Holiday in the season of sorrow

While Christmas is not my holiday, it is for many that I love. This entire season is triggering on many levels since Ken died.

Thanksgiving was hugely challenging. The kids and I planned to gather in Chicagoland in homes and hotels. We knew it would be tough. We worked hard to make choices that would make it easier on all of us: only cooking or baking the foods we really wanted to make, and ordering pre-cooked items for the rest; a more relaxed timeline; easy games with the grandkids. 

My son J and his family in Ann Arbor tested positive for Covid the morning of the day that they were to leave to join us in Chicagoland. 

Hard missing Ken, and then hard missing our son/brother and family to grieve together, to play together with grandkids/cousins. 

We made it through with full hearts, full bellies. We literally cried in our beer. We had some breakdowns and some build ups. We came out the other side.

Since then, there has been  a trip for me to North Carolina to visit my friend SJR and Chanukah. 

The trip to North Carolina was great. Walking every day, sharing our losses- the good memories and the hard memories- laughing some, weeping some. Cherishing each other. We've been friends for more than 50 years. There is a special ease in sitting with someone who knows your history. 

Chanukah was tough. Emails and calls with the out-of-town kids. CMK and KG were staying with me- mostly. JE and family came up from Ann Arbor for the first night on Thursday and we were together, with grandkids and that eased me a bit. Friday, the second night, was at my temple, with dinner and Shabbat service, which was lovely.  I felt the shared community.

The next night was a gathering- a Chanukah party at the rabbi's house. Attending that, in retrospect, was a huge mistake. I felt isolated and set apart from my community. Not feeling any party vibe. Feeling alone in a room of couples- and those who are solo for a long time. I sneaked out early.

CMK and KG left Sunday morning. That night was hard, lighting Chanukah candles in the darkness all alone for the first time in my life.

I muddled through the rest of the week- met with my sister once, went to grandson J's band concert, lots of grading of my students' papers and projects as they made a mad dash to somehow pass the class. 

On Thursday, the last night, I drove to JE and family in Ann Arbor and we had dinner, and candle lighting, and some gifts. Grandson J was sick. We were pretty sure it was a reaction to vaccines and sedatives that he'd had that day, but we masked and distanced anyway. J was fine the next day, so we are confident that is what it was. In an odd way, this made it seem even more family, more like home. Daughter-in-law J cradling her son J's head, while I was masked and rubbing his feet wasn't the typical holiday, but it was family.

The next night's service, Friday Dec 15, had been intended to be led on Zoom by 88 year old Bob and me. Bob called the night before to say he wasn't up for it. We were able to hand off to the rabbi (who had been wanting that service anyway) and that freed me up to do more grading. The 16th and 17th I was grading, grading, grading.

Except on Saturday, when I took a break to drive to Hurley hospital to visit my friend KD who had broken her hip *replacement* inside her body. She was going to have a hip replacement-replacement in the next couple of days. 

On the way home from visiting her in the hospital, I stopped by my sister's house. Her son and daughter-in-law M & M were there and we visited and shared a dinner. That was a good visit. 

I came home and was talking with son J in Ann Arbor figuring out plans for getting my car in the shop and my dog to stay with J and family. We talked to Diane too and since it was agreed that we could leave later on Monday, we decided that J would drive to my house and we would take my car to the dealership and then Diane would pick me up from my house. J had to be at a computer by 9:00 am for a work meeting.

It worked out almost like that. 

J headed out but there was snow, traffic, and the highway was shut down. So I took the car in later, Diane picked me up from the dealership, and took me back to my house, where J had arrived and was on the computer with his meeting. We loaded up- later than Diane wanted- headed out. J kept working, then took my dog with him on his lunch break to Ann Arbor.

Diane and I had a long drive from Michigan to Tennessee. We had some snow and traffic in Cincinnati, but otherwise made good time. We stayed at our cousin's that night. We stopped for a drink at S & S palatial home, then on to cousin SL with her son KL. Stayed up late talking. Made ice cream drinks (Hummers). Diane was able to spend some individual time with our cousin. 

We spent most of the next day with our cousins. We left after lunch for the first of two legs of the trip to Alabama near the Gulf where my dad and his wife winter.  We arrived at lunch time Dec 20. My dad's birthday was on the 23rd, then Christmas Eve and today, Christmas Day.

Every place I go, I remember Ken. This is the trip we had been making for years- down south, stopping in Tennessee with my cousin- last year with both my Aunt B and Sherri, it was me and Ken- and now, my sister and I with my cousin and her son. My aunt died in April, Ken in September. 

I am ready to say goodbye to 2023. I'm sure there were good things that happened this year, but for me this year is stamped with loss and conflict. 

5779: On the eighth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Last night we lit all eight candles, ushering in the last of the eight days of Chanukah.

So today, here are your last gifts.

I am not-giving you socks.

It's not because of your age.  Although, according to this chart, socks may soon bring you joy:

Anyone know who created this chart? Because I'd LOVE to give them credit!

It also is not because there are no really clever socks out there- how about these:

Make sure your pants cuffs are long enough, and/or don't cross your legs at that meeting. Unless you really want to make a statement about that meeting.

These socks also seem to call your name:

So there are appropriately inappropriate socks out there for you.  However, socks are related to stockings, which really are for a holiday in another tradition, so... no.

Also not buying you hand-wearables (I would say gloves, but if you will recall the HANDERPANTS that I did not-give you already, there is some confusion these days with what is appropriate garb for hands!).

There are hands masquerading as feet:

It is noted on the site that this is sold as a Finger Foot. Not Finger Feet-- although they declare that IF you buy two, they will probably find a left and a right Finger Foot.

Or these:

I did not scrutinize the fine print to see if you have to buy two, or if they assume you are ambi-duckstrous*

Also not buying this:

Although now, I believe we have strayed from the apparel to the a- puppet realm of gift giving. Why wouldn't I give you this delightful handicorn? Who wouldn't love a unicorn at their finger tips?

Many reasons, but two come to mind:

1. Handicorn sounds too much like candy corn, thus completely confusing a sugar holiday with a fat and carb holiday. Plus, you shouldn't chew your fingers.

2. Please note which finger is lifted to salute you with the unicorn's horn. WHAT KIND OF SALUTE IS THAT?

This does not sound like a unicorn thing to do. This is much more a cat thing to do.

Farewell until next time.

Once again, I harbor hope that I will be writing more in this blog between now and next Chanukah, but in case I don't or in case you don't read it if I do, take care of yourself and please come back and read me next time!

_____________________________


* Not apologizing. Why do you expect it? HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?

5779: On the seventh night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

I was SO CLOSE to actually posting each day of Chanukah on the actual DAY.

The seventh day was my downfall.

Here is what I fully intended not-giving you on day seven of Chanukah:

Snacks.

The festival of lights is the FEASTival of fried! We celebrate oil! We make lotsa-latkes! We fry up some sufganiyot (that's hot jelly donuts, my friend!). We eat chocolate gelt (gold foil wrapped around chocolate so it looks like MONEY!-- I have no idea why this is a thing, somebody help me out here, but it is definitely a thing!).

So we eat. But not these things:

I found assorted gums with clever titles: I hope eye rolling counts as cardio gum, I’m sorry I called you an asshole—I thought you knew gum, I have PMS & GPS: I’m a bitch and I WILL find you gum, I’m not sarcastic I’m just mean gum, cat butt gum—

Okay, that last one wasn’t especially clever, but you get the idea. These are just GUM with labels*.

You are a creative guy. You can label your own gum. 

Also not buying you these:

 

Or these:

Snacks, yes. But do these say Chanukah to you? Chanukah is fats (all that oil!) and carbs (all those potatoes!). Don't let the cheddar cheese or the sour cream & onion fool you-- these are protein snacks**!  

Besides, how would you know if you were crunching an ordinary cricket, or your conscience, by Jiminy?!?

Nope. 

I did consider these mints, though.

However, the timing is all wrong. You are far too young for Retiremints; and let's face it, Atonemints are more properly offered at Yom Kippur.

I hope you had a happy seventh day of Chanukah!

 ______________

*At least, I HOPE cat butt gum is just regular gum with a label saying cat butt!

**I know this because when I was substitute teaching, I taught a science class to fourth graders about eating bugs. "BUG BITES. Earth Science News for kids in Scholastic News."

5779: On the second night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you:

The sun has set, and so we light the candles for the second night of Chanukah.

There is something of a tradition for night number two.

For instance, last year 5778, there was this festive fecal reindeer.

In 5775*, we considered shittens and subtle butt gifts.

In 5774, even though the post was for nights one through four, it was really all number two.

In 5773, back when it all began, night number two (heh - heh) started this tradition.

You can guess where I'm going** with this, right?

So this year, I am not giving you this:

 "One of the amazing things poop can do is create beautiful white sandy beaches."  Did you know that? I did not know that. Apparently, it's true. Because SCIENCE***.

This book is one in a series of the POWER of POOP. Other books in the series include:

And more:

Also: 

(This is actually a thing: Check out the power of poop here. However, this site, even though it is SCIENCE, makes me nervous, because it has a Do It Yourself instructions link, right under "Is Fecal Transplant for You?" DO IT YOURSELF???)

Then there is this:

 


This is actually something I could get BEHIND****. 

POOP CAN SAVE THE WORLD! Check out the VIDEO 

Finally, the book series (and perhaps the world) ends with this:

I'm not sure I want to know.

Anyway, as useful, educational, and world-saving as this is, I did not get you the Sand-Beaches-with-Poop book.

WHY, you may ask.

Is it because you don't have lake front property? No, that's not it-- you are close to Lake Michigan, AND a splash pool park, so where there's water, there can be beaches, yes?

Is it because I fear fecal fish? No, 'fraid not.

Is it because I don't believe in the power of poop? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? In this season of miracles, I BELIEVE!

No, it's just that-- this book is available at your local library -- YOUR library, DSIL :-) 

That's where I took the picture. 

SO, check it out!

 
Now I'm going to go light the candles.
If it's safe to light a match.



* I don't know why we missed the tradition in 5776 and 5777 -- but if you noticed, what is the number of years we missed? That's right, number TWO!

** GOING, get it?

*** No, really, SCIENCE. Nova even has a website on GROSS SCIENCE about the power of poop.  And also on how pee can change the world.

**** BEHIND, get it??

5779: On the first night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Hi, friends. I bet you are wondering what I did NOT buy for my DSIL* this season.

I give you (actually, I do NOT give you) the light up holiday 3 piece suit:

It comes in a variety of colors:

 

Oh, yes it does!

Pretty snazzy, right? Here is the manufacturer's description:


"Each suit is made with durable, comfortable polyester fabric that includes a flexible waistband for added comfort. It comes with 20 LED lights that you can turn off/on."

How about that! It's durable! It's comfortable! It has a flexible waistband (a nice option for these feastivals, I can tell you)! Wearing this, you can GET LIT!

So WHY, you may ask, did I NOT buy this for you.

1. Cultural reasons. Tonight is the first night of Chanukah. It's Chanukah not-giving. You can say "Holiday Suit" until you are red (and green) in the face, but this is clearly a Christmas Holiday suit.

2.  Ecological reasons. BATTERIES IN YOUR CLOTHES??

3. Kindness to your other clothes reasons: I wouldn't want this to overshadow my DSIL's pineapple suit, which he does own and does wear:

4. Redundancy issues: I am not 100% certain my DSIL doesn't already own, or hasn't at least WORN, one of these suits. The half-face on this model looks suspiciously familiar, especially as posing in suit #3 of 4!


Enjoy the holiday! May you be among those who bring light in the darkness!


*DSIL = Dear Son-In-Law, for whom I have started and continued this tradition.

Countdown to Chanuka!

SUNDAY NIGHT is the first night of Chanuka 5779*! I am already getting ready for my annual blog on the gifts that I am NOT getting for my DSIL (Dear Son-In-Law). Even though this tradition started for my DSIL (at that time, in 5773**, he was my DDSO***), YOU, dear reader, are welcome to not-receive these same gifts! Stay tuned!

*2018 Gregorian
**2012 Gregorian
*** Dear Daughter's Significant Other

On the eighth night of Chanukah*, I did not give to you...

The last night! What can I not give you?

How about this:

No, it isn't a gun rack. No, it isn't even a gun.

It is a lighter. It is a firearm for starting fires.

I found these at the grocery store** (that's where I didn't buy it).

It's hard to guess the scale from the picture, so I will tell you that each of these is about 15 inches long. 

If you look closely, you can see that each lighter is thoughtfully tagged with a print out of the Second Amendment.

That tag is one of the reasons I didn't give this to you last night. I fear that in the current political climate, referencing the Second Amendment could be inflammatory.

I mean, either side of the debate might think you were making light of their position.

Also, to the best of my knowledge, you don't have a barbecue. This is clearly labeled as a barbecue lighter.

Enjoy this last day of Chanukah- however you spell it.


*This is my Dear Husband's preferred English transliteration- well, actually, with this underlining: Chanukah. But I wasn't able to do the underlining in the title.

** I'm actually thinking of a new blog series: #notgroceriesatgrocerystore!

On the seventh night of Hanukah, I did not give to you...

On the penultimate night of the holiday, what did I not give you?

 This is the festival of lights. As the darkness and cold of winter approach, we kindle our candles to spread light and warmth.

But sometimes, we must face the darkness.

This gift I am not giving you is not for the faint of heart. Be warned.

These are zombie garden gnomes and they are gnawing on a fellow lawn ornament:

Why am I not giving you this? Well, although I have very little compassion for pink flamingo lawn ornaments, not even the pinkos deserve this fate.

Plus, it's kind of disgusting.

But the real reason I am not giving this to you is (and I hate to break it to you):

Gnomes, like jolly old elves, are not real.

On the sixth night of Haneka*, I did not give to you...

On the sixth night of Haneka, what did I not give you?

The sixth night was also Shabbat, so we celebrated at our temple with a Latke-palooza! That's right, delicious latkes and other treats were shared in a festive meal at our temple before Shabbat services.

Like many Jewish holidays, this one can be boiled down to:
They tried to kill us.
We won.
Let's eat!

So, just so that you are always ready to dine (and I know you are!) I am not giving you these:

These are picnic pants. I've seen them described as "jeans and harem pants" but honestly I don't see the sexy harem pants in these. However, they are pants with a built-in table! AND a side pouch for your beer can! See food! Grab food! Cop a squat and eat!

Perhaps the Huff post describes them best in this article.

Perhaps you are wondering why I am not giving these to you?

I think they are ugly. However, as always, YAMV**.

On to the PENULTIMATE*** NIGHT OF HANEKA!

* I actually don't think this is a good spelling for the holiday, but I'm enjoying the variety.
** "Your Aesthetic May Vary"
*** I love using the word "penultimate".****
**** I also love asterisks.

On the fifth night of Khanukkah*, I did not give to you...

On the fifth night, perhaps I should not-give you a fifth?

Oh, you thought I meant something else?

(No, that would  be something I would give you!)

I was thinking instead of not giving you this:

Everyone enjoys a peace of toast!**

However, due to limitations of counter space, this is something I am not giving you. Besides, there is only one peace.

Although, I think there is peace on both sides.

* Perhaps my favorite spelling thus far.

** Or a toast to peace! With the fifth! Or should I take the fifth?

On the fourth night of Hanika*, I did not give to you...

I know that you love dogs, toys, and bargains, so I know you will love not getting this on the fourth night**:

This is ZOOMER, "your REAL best friend".

He is new!
Il est nouveau! (Therefore, multi-cultural! Bilingual! Available in Canada!)
He has TWO TIMES THE TRICKS!

Why wouldn't I be getting the adorable Zoomer for you? I mean, watch this!

Well...

1. You already have two dogs. Far more adorable than Zoomer could hope to be.
2. He has 2 times the tricks. Looking at that cocked leg on the box, I am suspicious of tricks involving the number 2.
3. Zoomer... Zombie... too close for comfort.
4. Zoomer was $49.99 used at the Goodwill. Online, $24.94- although at a store that is evil incarnate at which I will not shop. So, get taken advantage of by Goodwill? Or shop at Evil Incarnate? No can do.
5. Your beautiful bride was traumatized by a robot dog when she was a tiny child. I cannot reopen that wound.

Otherwise, I would SO have bought this for you!  

* ALSO a valid spelling. Check it out here!

** Yeah, I know I'm almost two nights behind. We got a bit busy over here. Stay tuned- we'll get caught up over the weekend.

On the third night of Hanaka*, I did not give to you...

Guess what you didn't get last night?

These are BALLS OF STEEL. They cool your whiskey without diluting it. This seems a quite useful gift, in the spirits of the season.

I was all set to buy them.

But then I heard you already had balls of steel.

On to the next night!

*This spelling is as acceptable as any other. Get over it.

On the Second Night of Hanuka, I did not give to you...

...wherein on the second day of Hanuka, the second spelling of Hanuka, our beloved writer gets caught up or synced  up with gift not-giving.

The second night of Hanuka has come and gone, and no doubt you are wondering what I didn't get for you. As we are still on the second day of Hanuka (as this holiday, as all Jewish holidays, begins at sundown), I still have time to not give you your gift!

I love my trips to the Goodwill store so much! I have found yet another gift not to give you! Here it is:

Can you see it? It's a chess set! It is in the classic black and white- always in style. At the Goodwill, so at a price that is nice!

But wait! It's more than a chess set!

It is a set of shot glasses!

So this leads to a series of questions:
* Is this chess set a thinking man's game?
* Is this chess set a drinking man's game?
* Is this chess set sexist?

I was confused. Nevertheless, I know you to be a man who thinks, and a man who drinks (on occasion) so I was mightily tempted to get this for you.

However, I know that you are not sexist.

Besides, there was no box. Just the Styrofoam inner case. Gifts need boxes! Ambiguous games need instructions!

Plus, I hate Styrofoam.

On the first night of Channukah, I did not give to you...

A few years ago, I started a tradition of sharing what I would not be giving to my Son-In-Law for Channukah.

So, on the first night of Channukah this year, I won't be giving my SIL this:

This is an over-sized wine glass. I know this because it says so right on the box. It is a bit larger than your typical bottle of wine. In fact, you could use this wine glass as an ice bucket for the wine bottle.

While I know, dear SIL, that you are a wine enthusiast, and clearly, this is a gift for a wine enthusiast (again, it says so right on the box), I still did not give to you this gift.

It's not because I saw it at Goodwill. I believe in being thrifty, and I didn't think that you would mind.

It's not because of the price. It was at Goodwill, and at a good price.

No.

It's that there was only one.

You shouldn't drink alone.

On the sixth night of Channuka, I did not buy for you...

And also, on the seventh night of Channuka, I did not buy for you...

How the days fly by!

Last night, we lit the candles for the seventh night- and I had yet to post what I didn't get for you on the sixth night!

So, on the sixth night of Channuka, I did not buy for you:

This United States Sweater. Why didn't I buy it? It's not because it's the wrong size- though it is. It's not because you have too many sweaters. How can one have too many sweaters?

No.

It's because it's a United States Sweater, clearly labeled.

Also clearly labeled: Made in China.

Unacceptable!

They could at least move one of the labels. So that the contradiction is not so evident.

On to the seventh night of Channuka. Last night- and today. So I'm caught up! Give me a hand! While I do not give you:

Handerpants. Yes, Handerpants.

Or rather, no Handerpants.

These are underpants for your hands. I will not buy them. Because, if you buy underpants for your hands, the next thing you know you will have to buy pants for your hands. Then undershirts for your elbows.... WHERE WILL IT STOP?

We will stop it - by never starting.

Handerpants. Really.

On the fifth night of Channuka, I did not buy for you...

On the fifth night of Hannuka, I didn't buy you this:

Quadruple Michaelangelos!

That's right! These are life-sized TEEN AGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES! These are heroes in a half shell! Turtle power!

Look closely! Do you see nunchaku by his feet?

HOW could I turn away from this opportunity?

Two reasons*:

1. Not enough pizza

2. Even though there are FOUR- there is only ONE. Only the lonely Michaelangelo. That's it. No Raphael, Donatello, Leonardo. No April! No Splinter! How can I have one lonely Michaelangelo, bereft of all his pals?

On the plus side, I didn't see Shredder.

* Okay, three reasons. Because, $69.99. Seriously?

On the fourth night of Chanuka,I did not buy for you...

It’s day four. Half-past Channukah. What didn’t you get last night?

Dear S-I-L: Last night* I did not buy you:

Adult sized super hero pajamas.

This adult-sized footed, full body pajama suit would fit you, so I don’t have that excuse. 

It zips. 

Yes, it has a cape.

WHY, you ask, oh WHY, did I not buy this for you?

Well, there was Batman (pictured above). And there was Superman.

But no Spiderman.

And (not to give away any secret identities) I knew you had to be Spiderman. So no sale.

*I actually was at the store last night not-buying it for you!

On the third night of Hanuka, I did not buy for you...

Day three is over; the lights for night four are already dancing.

Sorry to be so late- at some point I will be blogging about the challenging day* I had today.

Let's get on to the gift not-giving, shall we?

On the third night of Hanuka, I did not buy for you:

Eco-friendly POOPOOPAPER.

This company features, in its POO-TIQUE, products that are  "handcrafted, natural, tree-free, recycled, upcycled, odorless (of course)"- and made from poop. You can get notebooks and papers crafted from donkey manure or elephant dung (for either side of the political spectrum), as well as from a surprising number of other creatures. 

This company reminds me of my first thought when I saw an advertisement for recycled toilet paper. I mean, recycled toilet paper- oo, yuck, right?

Butt this company promises to take the "oo" out of "poo"**.

I won't be buying it for you. However, if you are so moved, check it out here. 

On to night four!*** I'll be posting that one a bit earlier, I hope!


* Real quickly- some of the challenges involve me, in a car dealership, for the second time in a week, facing a $1000 repair estimate with a 1000 mile car trip planned starting tomorrow! It ends with me getting a free battery, but not being entirely sure that compensates me for the time and my blood pressure elevation.

** If you take the "oo" out of "poo," aren't you left with "p"?

*** Night four: where I plan on changing the theme of the ungifts. Really. There are in fact amusing ungifts that don't involve the excretory functions. I think.

On the second night of Hannukah, I did not buy for you ... #2!

It's the second day of Chanukah. So, what didn't I get you last night?

Well, it's night number 2.

Number TWO.

We have something of a tradition going with number 2. The first year, it was T.P. or perhaps underpants. The second year, it was a variety of items including woods wipes and fart filtering underpants. (Granted, in 2013, several days were bundled in one day. The theme remained the same, though.)

Maybe I should still bundle. Because there is SO much to choose from in this scat-egory.

For instance, if fart-filtering underwear is going too far, just stop at fart filters.

Fart filters. Perhaps same butt model as Shreddies.

So, you can use your OWN underwear and still "fart with confidence.*"

Fart filters. Look great on the buff buns above. However, why do I feel that in REAL LIFE, the filters might look like this:

OR like this:

I'm guessing, not the image one would want, right?

BUTT wait, there's more!

Apparently, flatulence filtration is a hot topic. There are choices, people. Shreddies, in addition to fart-filtering undies, also sells fart filters separately. There are also:

or:

Or maybe you prefer getting to the seat of the problem:

Chair pad for flatulence odor control.

See what I mean about choices? There are even these:



These are fart silencers, and yes, according to this article, "it goes exactly where you might guess it would go."

Finally, what if the flatulence is substantive? Just in time for the cold weather, I give you:

These are "mitten-shaped wet wipes". They promise to "make wiping fun." You need them "'cause poop is gross."

Good to know.

Not gonna buy 'em.

Bye for now.

*Shreddies' slogan