5781/2020 On the Eighth NIght of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

 Chanukah is over for another year. Last night was the eighth night, with all the candles lit and blazing.

 

 

What did I not buy you for the last night-- the end of Chanukah 5781?

 Here it is! A keepsake frame for your baby's first pooh!

Why didn't I buy this for you? After all, you DO have a newborn!*

More to the point, why didn't I not-buy this for you on night NUMBER 2?

(Or on the first night... for the first pooh...)

Simple: first pooh was in November. It's much too late.

So why am I not-buying you this now?

1. It's for the end- right?

2. I happen to know that you have a friend who is expecting... so, as a gift, it's not too late.

* Did I forget to mention? We have a NEW GRANDBABY!

5781/2020 On the seventh night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 On the seventh night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 

This is a dog lick pet distraction. You mount this in your shower/ bath, smear it with peanut butter, and it keeps your dog distracted while you give him a bath. 

That's the theory.

 

First of all, I'm not buying you this because I don't like things stuck on my bathroom tiles, with smears of anything, let alone smears of something the color and consistency of p-

Peanut butter. We'll go with that.

 

 

Let's take another look. First, look at the icons on the left. I think that top diagram looks like a bear in the bathtub. The bottom circle looks like Scissors vs Scorpion.

Look at the text beneath each drawing.

Take a Bath Quickly.

Cutting Dog Hair Quickly.

Nail Clipper Quickly.

I'm thinking whatever happens, it better happen fast. 

Finally, looking at the adorable spokes-pup for the product- that pooch does not look happy or distracted. 

And the smear...

Nope. Not buying it. 
 

5781/2020 On the sixth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you

 Last night was the sixth night of Chanukah.  Since we were talking about pets, this is what I am not buying for you for the sixth night:

This is a Huggle Pet Animal Hoodie. It clearly has identity issues. The one I looked at was a "Rainbow Unicorn"- that had a kangaroo pocket!

Unicorn or Kangaroo? UniRoo? KangaKorn?

"Turns from Cuddly Pet into a Soft Hoodie". 

Do you zip open your pets and then put them on? 

I don't think so! Not unless you are on the snowy plains of Hoth, my friend!

And the unzipping gets messy.

ALSO: This says "ages 3 and up" and "One Size Fits All".

It may be for ages 3 and up, but I feel certain that One Size Does NOT Fit All.

5781/2020 On the fifth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 It has been a tradition, in years past, to note the fifth night with some reference to a fifth-

not a fifth perfect or diminished:

but more like a fifth, demolished:

 

For instance, there was the fifth night when I didn't give you a giant pocket flask. Since you didn't have a giant pocket, what would be the point?

 

I didn't give you a giant wine glass on the first night of Chanukah, once, but that's okay. When's the last time you bought a fifth of wine, I ask you?

So, for this year's fifth night of Chanukah, I considered this:

It is a Santa stocking flask, pictured with a color-coordinated Solo (r) cup. I decided not to not-buy this for you because, you know, CHANUKAH. 

No offense, Santa.

Instead, considering the challenging year we have all had, I am not buying you this...

...because you are a glass-half-full kind of guy. 

And, as has been said before, half full or half empty, either way there is room for more! So pour!

L'chaim!

On the fourth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 The fourth night of Chanukah was Sunday night. Yes, I am behind. So it goes.

There are so many holiday crafts. I know you've been painting. So, I did not buy you a kit to paint your pet. 

Because I wasn't sure, you see, if you should paint your pet:

 

 

Or, if you should paint your pet:

Either way, I've seen your dog, and it would take a lot of paint.

So,  I did not buy it for you.

Seen above: Grateful unpainted dog.

5781/2020 On the third night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

 Last night was the third night of Chanukah, and so here we are with a gift for the third night. 

The night that comes after number two. Which is a factor in selecting this gift to not-give you tonight*.

This is a burial pod for your deceased pet fish.  It is biodegradable and eco-friendly, made of bamboo powder and rice husks.

So when Goldie's gone, you can bury your beloved pet with dignity *and* protect the planet!

Why would I not buy you such a lovely gift?

It's not the price. Price is no object when I am not-buying for you. No, I wouldn't go for the frugal fish funeral finery at only $7.95. Nope, I'm not-buying you the $99.99 version on ebay because your finny friend is worth it!

No, the reason I am not-buying you this gift is mainly** this (I quote from the promotional materials - emphasis added):

"Each pod comes with a seeded sympathy card children can sign. When they bury their fish with the card, the seeds grow into wildflowers; when they bloom, your kids will remember their fish."

When they bury their fish. In the ground. In the dirt. 

This is wrong. A fish should not spend eternity in dirt. No, let them die as they lived, in water. As is tradition.

As always, after number two*.

We flush.

 

 ________________________________________

**The other reason that I am not-buying you this is because you don't have a pet fish.

Channukah 1-2-3

 My goodness, how time flies when you are in a pandemic!

It has been a tradition for many years now - since 2012 or 5773 depending on your calendar- that on each night of Chanukah, I select a gift not to give to my DSIL*. 

Our family has had challenges and dark days recently. Perhaps your family has too. During this festival of lights, it is worth it to bring a little light and levity where we can. It's worth continuing a tradition, even if it's silly. 

So, a couple nights late, I am offering my traditional gifts-not-given.

On the first night of Chanukah, I did not give to you:

These are slippers that are fully microwavable.

Don't believe me? Look closer!

It says that these are snugglable, huggable, loveable slippers. That are fully microwavable.

So wrong. 

I understand that the isolation of the pandemic is getting to all of us, but are we truly driven to snuggling with slippers?

Or are we supposed to eat them? 

I am opposed to putting footwear in my cooking appliances. So, no. 

On the second night of Chaunkah, I did not give to you:

This is a still shot of the game Potty Racers. It is something of a tradition that for night number 2,  I don't buy for you a potty or poop themed gift, such as the shitten,  or woods wipe toilet paper (in the same post, although not intended for night 2, I also didn't gift poo-pouri, or the squatty potty).

So here is an appropriately-themed gift for night number 2. This game has a stick man who is boldly building racing porta-potties and propelling them off cliffs and into races - presumably with other portapotty-racers. It has at least FIVE VERSIONS OF THE GAME!

Why did I not-buy this gift for you?

Two reasons (number two, get it?).

1.As far as I can tell, the porta-potties are not poop-propelled. I believe in the Power of Poop. 

2.Also as far as I can tell, the game is free. So, I can't buy it. 

 So there is that.

 

On the THIRD NIGHT of Chanukah- It's tonight! So- see you tonight!