On the eighth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 This is it! The last night of Chanukah- all eight candles, plus the helper shamash candle, have been lit.

Perhaps the most beautiful night of all.

And my last opportunity in 5785 to not buy you a Chanukah gift. 

So before I go, for when you gotta go, I did not buy for you:

This is the crap-strap so that you can poop in the woods with ease. 

It zips into itself so it's discreet and also holds POOP  BAGS! So you can clean up after yourself just like you do for your pooch!

Crap (Krap) Strap zipped and with supplies

Why did I not buy this for you? And why did I not not-buy it on night Number Two?

Reason Number One, it's winter. I don't think you're the hiking, hunting, camping-in-the-woods in January kind of guy. I could be wrong. Feel free to correct me if I am.

Number Two (heh heh), I wanted something special for the end of Chanukah. Something special to bring up the rear.

And this is designed to bring up your rear.

Rear view of rear

5779: On the second night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you:

The sun has set, and so we light the candles for the second night of Chanukah.

There is something of a tradition for night number two.

For instance, last year 5778, there was this festive fecal reindeer.

In 5775*, we considered shittens and subtle butt gifts.

In 5774, even though the post was for nights one through four, it was really all number two.

In 5773, back when it all began, night number two (heh - heh) started this tradition.

You can guess where I'm going** with this, right?

So this year, I am not giving you this:

 "One of the amazing things poop can do is create beautiful white sandy beaches."  Did you know that? I did not know that. Apparently, it's true. Because SCIENCE***.

This book is one in a series of the POWER of POOP. Other books in the series include:

And more:

Also: 

(This is actually a thing: Check out the power of poop here. However, this site, even though it is SCIENCE, makes me nervous, because it has a Do It Yourself instructions link, right under "Is Fecal Transplant for You?" DO IT YOURSELF???)

Then there is this:

 


This is actually something I could get BEHIND****. 

POOP CAN SAVE THE WORLD! Check out the VIDEO 

Finally, the book series (and perhaps the world) ends with this:

I'm not sure I want to know.

Anyway, as useful, educational, and world-saving as this is, I did not get you the Sand-Beaches-with-Poop book.

WHY, you may ask.

Is it because you don't have lake front property? No, that's not it-- you are close to Lake Michigan, AND a splash pool park, so where there's water, there can be beaches, yes?

Is it because I fear fecal fish? No, 'fraid not.

Is it because I don't believe in the power of poop? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? In this season of miracles, I BELIEVE!

No, it's just that-- this book is available at your local library -- YOUR library, DSIL :-) 

That's where I took the picture. 

SO, check it out!

 
Now I'm going to go light the candles.
If it's safe to light a match.



* I don't know why we missed the tradition in 5776 and 5777 -- but if you noticed, what is the number of years we missed? That's right, number TWO!

** GOING, get it?

*** No, really, SCIENCE. Nova even has a website on GROSS SCIENCE about the power of poop.  And also on how pee can change the world.

**** BEHIND, get it??

On the second night of Hannukah, I did not buy for you ... #2!

It's the second day of Chanukah. So, what didn't I get you last night?

Well, it's night number 2.

Number TWO.

We have something of a tradition going with number 2. The first year, it was T.P. or perhaps underpants. The second year, it was a variety of items including woods wipes and fart filtering underpants. (Granted, in 2013, several days were bundled in one day. The theme remained the same, though.)

Maybe I should still bundle. Because there is SO much to choose from in this scat-egory.

For instance, if fart-filtering underwear is going too far, just stop at fart filters.

Fart filters. Perhaps same butt model as Shreddies.

So, you can use your OWN underwear and still "fart with confidence.*"

Fart filters. Look great on the buff buns above. However, why do I feel that in REAL LIFE, the filters might look like this:

OR like this:

I'm guessing, not the image one would want, right?

BUTT wait, there's more!

Apparently, flatulence filtration is a hot topic. There are choices, people. Shreddies, in addition to fart-filtering undies, also sells fart filters separately. There are also:

or:

Or maybe you prefer getting to the seat of the problem:

Chair pad for flatulence odor control.

See what I mean about choices? There are even these:



These are fart silencers, and yes, according to this article, "it goes exactly where you might guess it would go."

Finally, what if the flatulence is substantive? Just in time for the cold weather, I give you:

These are "mitten-shaped wet wipes". They promise to "make wiping fun." You need them "'cause poop is gross."

Good to know.

Not gonna buy 'em.

Bye for now.

*Shreddies' slogan







a mixed day

Yesterday, we had a full day planned.

We went to Detroit and saw two shows. We saw Cyrano de Bergerac at the Hilberry Theater in the afternoon and then saw Alfred de Musset's Fantasio in the renovated Studio Theater in the evening. The drive into Detroit had some snow covered and slippery roads, but Dear Husband K managed just fine.

The Cyrano was missing some spark- somehow the direction allowed it to be both somewhat slow moving and also managed to rush over/miss some of the moment to moment nuance and comedy. Still, it was a competent production.

I am turning over in my mind the showing of Fantasio. Several of my students were in the production. I think show was again competent; I would have to read the script, which I am not certain that I like, to see how well the director captured- or did not- the style of the play.

I also chafe every time I read the apologia of a note on the "PhD Student Series". This blurb has been implemented since I have graduated from the program and basically boils down to advising (warning? reassuring?) the theater goer that these are PhD student directors, under the careful supervision and guidance of the faculty - you can almost hear the subtext "no undergrad actors were harmed in the making of this show."

In my experience, there have been several Studio PhD shows that were as well directed, acted and/or designed as any of the shows upstairs- with a lot less money and time invested in them.

ANYWAY

We drove home- and the roads were fine.

Then we found that one of the dogs had shit in the bedroom where they had spent the day. (which one? DH K thought it was Jackson, because he'd seen Jasper poop outside before we left; I was pretty sure based on the poop's appearance that it was Jasper).

Now, we have left the dogs home alone for this long or longer with no such accident.

GRRR.... DH K took the dogs outside, and I cleaned up the poop, washed the floor, sprayed odor neutralizing spray, burned a candle- in short, everything was as it should be when DH K came back upstairs with the dogs.

So we curled up and watched Jimmy Fallon host SNL - a rerun, but with some good moments. Off to bed.

Then at about 1:30 a.m. I woke to dogs pacing and a HORRIBLE stench. DH K did not wake. I grumbled and turned on lights.

DH K did not wake up.

I kicked out both dogs.

I cleaned up the poop soup from the floor on DH K's side of the room, on my hands and knees, an operation using two toilet flushes, a bag full of paper towels.

DH K did not wake up.

I got out the mop and mopped all of that floor. I sprayed odor neutralizer. I lit another candle.

DH K did not wake up.

I stripped naked, took a shower, washed my hair, changed my pajamas, let in the dogs.

DH K did not wake up.

I grumbled (loudly, I thought): I can't BELIEVE you are sleeping through all this!

DH K did not wake up.

I continued to grumble, If this happens AGAIN, I swear, I am leaving it for you to clean and moving into another room to sleep!

DH K did not wake up.

I read for another hour, since I couldn't go back to sleep.

DH K did not wake up.

So, finally, around 3:00 A.M. I go to sleep.

I wake up around 4:00 A.M. hearing a dog pacing. I LEAP out of bed.

This time DH K awakes as I turn on the light, and rush the dogs outside. In time. I notice the dance Jasper is doing, and that once outside, it is Jasper who does the poop crouch while Jackson dashes off to seek bunnies to tear apart.

As I come upstairs, I grumble, You are really lucky I got them out in time. I can't believe you slept through it the first time.

What? says DH K.

I can't believe you slept through it! The dog shit all over the floor! Horrible stink! Your side of the room! I cleaned, I mopped, I showered! I can't believe you slept through it!

I'm sorry, says DH K.

I say, well, you can let them in. And if it happens again, I am TOTALLY going in the other bedroom.

So DH K brings in the dogs, I go to sleep.

Around 5:00 A.M. I awake to a horrible stench.

That better be a fart, I declare. I turn on the light.

DH K wakes up.

I scout. There it is, poop-sprayed floor on DH K's side of the room. DAMN IT!

DH K (because he likes being married to me) says, I will clean it.

He takes the dogs outside for the rest of the night-morning, and starts cleaning but I CANNOT BREATH and it is too hot under the covers so I light a scented candle and I still CANNOT BREATH and so I get up and move to another bedroom for the remainder of the night-morning.

Let's hope we've gotten all the shit out of the way for today- or for the week- or the month-