On the eighth night of Chaunkah, I did not give to you...

Last night, we lit all 8 candles on the menorah.

It's a beautiful sight.

Our holiday, and our vacation, are coming to an end for now.

Soon we must return to our regular, work-a-day life, with all the stress that entails.

You may need a stress-reliever. Many people use fidget spinners.

Batman fidget spinner? Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na- NOT ONE!

Or fidget with poop?

Nope. Not even on night number TWO.

Truth be told, fidget spinners annoy me. So, not giving you these.

Another way to work out your stress? Maybe stress balls? The classic stress balls:

Or stress balls that REALLY express (and expel) the stress:

However, after searching long and hard, I've found it!



Here's the stress reliever that I am not giving you:

These are NiceBalls stress relieving balls. Or, to give them their proper name, Testicle Stress balls.  As the promo states:

Lean back, play with your balls and feel as the stress leaves your body! Niceballs are the scrotum-shaped stress ball that is both nice to grab and to squeeze! It attaches to the underside of a tabletop with a suction - perfect to have within reach at work as your stress levels creep up! 

 
Really? Under-table suction?

Perhaps more discrete, on another site:

niceballs dangle beneath your desk so you can discretely de-stress.

I think my definition of discretely and their definition of discretely may be different.

I am not getting you this.

Sack this idea. I'm not a nut-case.

 

On the seventh night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

Happy Chanukah!

All good things must come to an end*, and here we find ourselves on the penultimate day of the Holiday of Hanukah!

Even though  Chanukah is coming to an end, the gifts I am not giving may continue to bring joy! After all, one can access the blog any time!

While reviewing the blog, I've noticed something: some of these gifts my DSIL (or other blog followers) have actually bought for themselves! Gifts not given in Chanukahs past, such as Poo-Pourri,  have gone mainstream** and I've seen Squatty Potties at the homes of some of my near and dear! Remember when George Takei picked up on my gift of the Shitten?

What, you might be wondering, did I choose not to give you last night?

I've been cooking more recently. So thinking of things around the kitchen, I recalled when I didn't buy for you the Easy Egg Cracker. (Because, how hard can cracking an egg be?) I didn't buy for you a toaster.



I did not buy for you Ninja Cookie Cutters. Or the "Rainbow" Cookie cutter with the unfortunate silhouette.

Last night, I did  not give to you some additions to your kitchen collection.

This is a grape slicer. Apparently, grapes are just TOO HARD TO SLICE.

Why wouldn't I give this to you?

First of all, it's plastic. I'm trying to avoid plastic. So, no.

Next, is this grape slicer truly the best design?

What about this one?

Or this?

How about this?

Too many options. Which one makes the cut?

Staying with food prep, here is another handy gadget I'm not getting you:

This is an automatic pan-stirrer with timer. This saves you the tedium of stirring constantly and times your dish! What's not to love?

Well...

I've been watching Santa Clarita Diet. This looks like a tall slim cousin of Mr. Ball Legs.

Bon appetit

* "All good things must come to an end" and also all not-good things, right? (Asking for a friend)
** Mainstream... there must be a bathroom joke in there somewhere..

On the sixth night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

On the sixth night, let us celebrate the homey items that I'm not giving you.

For instance, last year I did not give to you SOCKS.

To expand upon that, tonight I will not give to you SUSHI SOCKS.

These are socks. For real. See?

These are also socks:

As are these:

I do love pizza, and I know that you do, too. I do love donuts, and I know you do, too. I love (some) sushi, and I know you love (more) sushi.

I'm not giving you these.

No need to encourage any of us to put our foot in our mouth any more than we currently do.

2019/5780 On the fifth night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

Happy Chanukah!

Five crazy nights so far!

I've been reviewing the gifts I did not give you in years gone by.

I recall the Nomming Gnomes of 2015. These terrors of the terrain are apparently predators of lawn ornaments everywhere.

In 2015, you did not have a lawn.

Now you do.

So perhaps you need defense against those Nomming Gnomes. A nommer of Nomming Gnomes.

I found it.

This is what I'm not giving you.

Even though this creature might save the Pink Flamingos from the Plague of the Zombie Gnomes, I am not giving it to you.

Because, as I noted in 2015,  Zombie Gnomes, like Jolly Old Elves, are not real.

So Godzilla would find nary a gnome.  I wouldn't like Godzilla to starve to death.

On the fourth night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

On the fourth night of Chanukah, this is what I picked to not give you:

It's a Runny Nose dispenser for shower gel.

Or, at least, it dispenses SOMETHING.
Maybe it's shower gel. Maybe ItSnot.

Happy Chanukah!

2019/5780 On the third night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

Hi! Did you miss me?

I've been traveling, so... I am have gotten a bit behind in what I'm not giving you.

Since I'm behind, this is what I did not give you on the third night of Chanukah:

This is a tissue dispenser. The tissues come out of a cat's ass.

See? I told you I was behind!

This gift is clearly not the cat's pajamas.

While I am not giving you this gift, I will nevertheless gift you with poetry.

'Tis the season when often you do
Find the need for a new clean tissue
Yet these give you paws,
With or without claws,
For who needs an ass for Achoo?

On the second night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

There is something of a tradition on night number #2.  Last year, I reviewed the Second Night of Chanukah gifts.

Because- Number 2.

So, I'll continue the tradition. Because it's NUMBER TWO, I'm not giving you two gifts.

First, there is this:

This is a Paint-a-Poo. It includes THREE MARKERS! To color your POO!

Well, actually not YOUR poo. It's a vinyl poo, that you may individualize. Much as it grieves me, I will not be encouraging your Poopy-Picasso impulses. Sorry.

Then, I will also not give give you this:

This is a coffee mug. It holds more than 12 ounces! 

You LOVE coffee! (As do I!) WHY am I not giving you this?

In honor of night 2, there are two reasons:

1. I have been informed YOU HAVE ENOUGH COFFEE MUGS, THANK YOU!

2. I will not be responsible for you becoming (more of) a potty-mouth.

You're welcome.

2019/ 5780 On the first night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

Happy Chanukah!

Today is the first day of Chanukah, which means last night was the first night... of Chanukah! That's how these Jewish holidays roll!

If it's Chanukah, it is time for gift giving-- or gift not-giving, as the case may be. In a tradition that began in 2012, I shall share a series of 8 gifts, one for each night.

Gifts for my DSIL* which I will NOT be giving him.

And because of the deep affection I have for you, dear reader, I will NOT be giving them to you, as well.

On the first night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

Nothing. Specifically, I did not give you a JAR of nothing.

Why not? After all, it's 100% natural! Contains no known allergens! Recyclable packaging!

Well, I did not give you this Jar of Nothing for a few reasons.

First, on the major online seller site (notice how I don't mention the name of the River/ Tribe of Warrior Women) this Jar of Nothing is $17.50 with free shipping. While I appreciate the free shipping, I do feel that if you get what you pay for, then you should get nothing for nothing. Clearly, this is overpriced.

Then, I actually already did give you something on the first night. This year, my beloved and I gave in-honor-of-you donations to charity for each of our children and each of their SOs** on the first night of Chanukah. So although it was nothing directly for you (thus a gift of nothing, like the jar I didn't give you), it was something for you and all the world, to make the world a little more just and fair. Nothing AND something!

Also, I heard you already had plenty of nothing... or at least someone has plenty of nothing!

Finally, I remind you that this is Chanukah, which is a Jewish holiday. "Nothing" is more of a gift for a Zen Buddhist.

Or so a cute cartoon I once saw suggested.

Chag Sameach***, DSIL* and DR****.

*Dear Son In Law
**Significant Other(s)
*** Happy holiday!
**** Dear Reader (yes, YOU!)