Feel, or no feel?

Currently popular is a mindless, idiotic, based-on-greed TV game show called:



With all the pain happening with all my loved ones, and the pain I feel along with them, I am thinking the options on life are: Feel, or no feel?

If we open ourselves up to love, we open ourselves up to loss. If we open up to depth in our relationships, we open ourselves up to potentially deeper wounds as well.

Do we keep going for the prize: joy, shared experience, laughter, love? Knowing we may lose everything?

Or do we shut down, stop trying, avoid the pain by avoiding the feeling?

good grief

Is there such a thing?

Grief is unavoidable if you live, if you feel. We all experience loss. We grieve for what we lose. We grieve for lost futures and lost possibilities.

If grief is inevitable, surely there is some purpose to it? Surely it serves some function?

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross described five steps in the grieving. The stages are:

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. The stages don't always come in this order; one doesn't always experience all five.

However, not only the research of Kubler-Ross but also my own experience tells me these are true, real stages of grief.

Is there anyway to shorten the first four phases and move to the fifth? More to the point at this moment for me, is it possible to help someone through these phases?

Amidst all the pain of grief, of sharing another's pain, the question remains: why? for what purpose?

and the world goes on

how is it that the world goes on when it feels like the world has fallen apart?

Other people go for walks, buy coffee, make plans--

When all the world seems on hold for me-- while I seek some means of leveraging us off this spot-- this focus on pain--

I need a really long lever--

and God give me someplace to stand.

not for sissies

This parenting gig is not for sissies. It is truly unimaginable, and I suppose that the Force that governs the universe made it that way on purpose.

There are moments of incredible transcendence. And there are times of incredible pain.

A mother, they say, is only as happy as her least happy child.

So at the moment I am miserable.

I have four children; I don't know if I can characterize even one as "happy" currently.

One is dealing with serious health concerns; determined to power through, taking all the right steps, keeping worries on the back burner as much as possible.

One is heart broken and cannot see any light. Getting up, going to work, going through the motions. Keep faking it, I want to say, keep faking it and eventually you will be making it real.

One is tense, sometimes trapped and sometimes content.

One is transitioning, confused, off-kilter, not quite lost and not quite found.

And I am feeling the pain and it is hard for me to find light.

Part of me wants to slap someone or several ones and yell and say HEY! You have all that you had last week, except this one person; yes it hurts but THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Let it pass. You have all kinds of deep resources-- great friends and loving family and a good start on community. Don't throw it all away just to delve into this pain.

The word used by my child was "impotent"-- I want to say, YOU feel impotent???? I would give anything to take this pain away and there is nothing...

the dog ate my homework

"The dog ate my homework!"

This classic cliche excuse for work undone should no longer apply to one after high school... well really after elementary school!

And yet, here I am working on the dissertation that will -- when complete!-- we hope-- lead to my PhD-- and I find--

the above dog is earnestly trying to eat my homework.

He already chewed up seriously one of my library books. I have no idea how much THAT will cost.

He's too old to be teething. And I am too old to be claiming "the dog ate my homework"!

Yet...

irony

So, reflecting back on past posts, we all know I am... ambivalent about marriage.

Irony: I have become ordained in order to officiate at friends' weddings. AND I love it and I think I will be extraordinarily good at it.

Go figure.

I can also officiate at funerals and I am also a spiritual advisor.

You know, I have always regarded myself as an advisor/counselor/friend in times of soul searching.

Now I have the ID that proves it.