On the eighth night of Chanukah*, I did not give to you...

The last night! What can I not give you?

How about this:

No, it isn't a gun rack. No, it isn't even a gun.

It is a lighter. It is a firearm for starting fires.

I found these at the grocery store** (that's where I didn't buy it).

It's hard to guess the scale from the picture, so I will tell you that each of these is about 15 inches long. 

If you look closely, you can see that each lighter is thoughtfully tagged with a print out of the Second Amendment.

That tag is one of the reasons I didn't give this to you last night. I fear that in the current political climate, referencing the Second Amendment could be inflammatory.

I mean, either side of the debate might think you were making light of their position.

Also, to the best of my knowledge, you don't have a barbecue. This is clearly labeled as a barbecue lighter.

Enjoy this last day of Chanukah- however you spell it.


*This is my Dear Husband's preferred English transliteration- well, actually, with this underlining: Chanukah. But I wasn't able to do the underlining in the title.

** I'm actually thinking of a new blog series: #notgroceriesatgrocerystore!

On the seventh night of Hanukah, I did not give to you...

On the penultimate night of the holiday, what did I not give you?

 This is the festival of lights. As the darkness and cold of winter approach, we kindle our candles to spread light and warmth.

But sometimes, we must face the darkness.

This gift I am not giving you is not for the faint of heart. Be warned.

These are zombie garden gnomes and they are gnawing on a fellow lawn ornament:

Why am I not giving you this? Well, although I have very little compassion for pink flamingo lawn ornaments, not even the pinkos deserve this fate.

Plus, it's kind of disgusting.

But the real reason I am not giving this to you is (and I hate to break it to you):

Gnomes, like jolly old elves, are not real.

On the sixth night of Haneka*, I did not give to you...

On the sixth night of Haneka, what did I not give you?

The sixth night was also Shabbat, so we celebrated at our temple with a Latke-palooza! That's right, delicious latkes and other treats were shared in a festive meal at our temple before Shabbat services.

Like many Jewish holidays, this one can be boiled down to:
They tried to kill us.
We won.
Let's eat!

So, just so that you are always ready to dine (and I know you are!) I am not giving you these:

These are picnic pants. I've seen them described as "jeans and harem pants" but honestly I don't see the sexy harem pants in these. However, they are pants with a built-in table! AND a side pouch for your beer can! See food! Grab food! Cop a squat and eat!

Perhaps the Huff post describes them best in this article.

Perhaps you are wondering why I am not giving these to you?

I think they are ugly. However, as always, YAMV**.

On to the PENULTIMATE*** NIGHT OF HANEKA!

* I actually don't think this is a good spelling for the holiday, but I'm enjoying the variety.
** "Your Aesthetic May Vary"
*** I love using the word "penultimate".****
**** I also love asterisks.

On the fifth night of Khanukkah*, I did not give to you...

On the fifth night, perhaps I should not-give you a fifth?

Oh, you thought I meant something else?

(No, that would  be something I would give you!)

I was thinking instead of not giving you this:

Everyone enjoys a peace of toast!**

However, due to limitations of counter space, this is something I am not giving you. Besides, there is only one peace.

Although, I think there is peace on both sides.

* Perhaps my favorite spelling thus far.

** Or a toast to peace! With the fifth! Or should I take the fifth?

On the fourth night of Hanika*, I did not give to you...

I know that you love dogs, toys, and bargains, so I know you will love not getting this on the fourth night**:

This is ZOOMER, "your REAL best friend".

He is new!
Il est nouveau! (Therefore, multi-cultural! Bilingual! Available in Canada!)
He has TWO TIMES THE TRICKS!

Why wouldn't I be getting the adorable Zoomer for you? I mean, watch this!

Well...

1. You already have two dogs. Far more adorable than Zoomer could hope to be.
2. He has 2 times the tricks. Looking at that cocked leg on the box, I am suspicious of tricks involving the number 2.
3. Zoomer... Zombie... too close for comfort.
4. Zoomer was $49.99 used at the Goodwill. Online, $24.94- although at a store that is evil incarnate at which I will not shop. So, get taken advantage of by Goodwill? Or shop at Evil Incarnate? No can do.
5. Your beautiful bride was traumatized by a robot dog when she was a tiny child. I cannot reopen that wound.

Otherwise, I would SO have bought this for you!  

* ALSO a valid spelling. Check it out here!

** Yeah, I know I'm almost two nights behind. We got a bit busy over here. Stay tuned- we'll get caught up over the weekend.

On the third night of Hanaka*, I did not give to you...

Guess what you didn't get last night?

These are BALLS OF STEEL. They cool your whiskey without diluting it. This seems a quite useful gift, in the spirits of the season.

I was all set to buy them.

But then I heard you already had balls of steel.

On to the next night!

*This spelling is as acceptable as any other. Get over it.

On the Second Night of Hanuka, I did not give to you...

...wherein on the second day of Hanuka, the second spelling of Hanuka, our beloved writer gets caught up or synced  up with gift not-giving.

The second night of Hanuka has come and gone, and no doubt you are wondering what I didn't get for you. As we are still on the second day of Hanuka (as this holiday, as all Jewish holidays, begins at sundown), I still have time to not give you your gift!

I love my trips to the Goodwill store so much! I have found yet another gift not to give you! Here it is:

Can you see it? It's a chess set! It is in the classic black and white- always in style. At the Goodwill, so at a price that is nice!

But wait! It's more than a chess set!

It is a set of shot glasses!

So this leads to a series of questions:
* Is this chess set a thinking man's game?
* Is this chess set a drinking man's game?
* Is this chess set sexist?

I was confused. Nevertheless, I know you to be a man who thinks, and a man who drinks (on occasion) so I was mightily tempted to get this for you.

However, I know that you are not sexist.

Besides, there was no box. Just the Styrofoam inner case. Gifts need boxes! Ambiguous games need instructions!

Plus, I hate Styrofoam.

On the first night of Channukah, I did not give to you...

A few years ago, I started a tradition of sharing what I would not be giving to my Son-In-Law for Channukah.

So, on the first night of Channukah this year, I won't be giving my SIL this:

This is an over-sized wine glass. I know this because it says so right on the box. It is a bit larger than your typical bottle of wine. In fact, you could use this wine glass as an ice bucket for the wine bottle.

While I know, dear SIL, that you are a wine enthusiast, and clearly, this is a gift for a wine enthusiast (again, it says so right on the box), I still did not give to you this gift.

It's not because I saw it at Goodwill. I believe in being thrifty, and I didn't think that you would mind.

It's not because of the price. It was at Goodwill, and at a good price.

No.

It's that there was only one.

You shouldn't drink alone.

Spring forward

I've been struggling with my demons again. Feel like I've lost my way. I will get back to posting. I have plenty going on in my head, and I need to get it out.

I haven't posted since last year. In that time:

*December 31: My furnace died the day my mom came home from the hospital to live with us- the day the cold snap really started. Happy New Year! Happy Space Heaters!

* Our New Year's present to ourselves: New furnace.

* My mom moved in with us with her two dogs. We are now a family of 3 and host a dog pack of 4.

* I started teaching a second semester of two classes at Byzantine U. Still adjunct- over worked and underpaid. Loving the students and hating the commute.

* My brother-in-law lost his battle with multiple myeloma. He died on February 13, and I, along with the rest of my family, am providing what support I may to my sister and her sons.

* I have been writing my morning pages faithfully since December 19. Perhaps this blog is moving on with those efforts.

That's some of what's been going on. I am sure I'm forgetting some things; I know that I am deliberately omitting/suppressing other struggles that are ongoing.

I'm planning to get right on writing Varsity Shakespeare: the Play Book for Bard Games and Timeless to Timely. I am. Right after I grade these 20-some midterms and read 18,000+ words of blogs from my students in the other class.