On the eighth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Hanukkah has ended. It's over for another year.

One last gift that was not given.

This:

Emergency underpants.

These are emergency underpants. For adults. The website says 

"Users report needing Emergency Underpants before a big job interview, after a particularly scary haunted house and during a One Direction concert. Fits most adults."

These emergency underpants come in their own pop-up dispenser. 

Why not get these for you? 

1. Handerpants, emergency underpants in a pop-up too-much-like-facial-tissue dispenser- too many possibilities for confusion. Blow your nose in Emergency Underpants? Try pulling your Handerpants over your ankle? No.

2. I cannot imagine a Haunted House that would scare you. Really. And even then, would you have your Emergency Underpants dispenser box with you?

3. I don't foresee you attending a One Direction concert anytime soon. Or needing a pop-up pair of pants if you did.*

That's the group of ungifts for this year! If you have anything you would particularly like to not be given, by all means drop me a line. 

*If I am wrong about the One Direction thing, please let me know. I'll see what I can do about ordering the single-size Emergency Undies:

On the sixth night of Channuka, I did not buy for you...

And also, on the seventh night of Channuka, I did not buy for you...

How the days fly by!

Last night, we lit the candles for the seventh night- and I had yet to post what I didn't get for you on the sixth night!

So, on the sixth night of Channuka, I did not buy for you:

This United States Sweater. Why didn't I buy it? It's not because it's the wrong size- though it is. It's not because you have too many sweaters. How can one have too many sweaters?

No.

It's because it's a United States Sweater, clearly labeled.

Also clearly labeled: Made in China.

Unacceptable!

They could at least move one of the labels. So that the contradiction is not so evident.

On to the seventh night of Channuka. Last night- and today. So I'm caught up! Give me a hand! While I do not give you:

Handerpants. Yes, Handerpants.

Or rather, no Handerpants.

These are underpants for your hands. I will not buy them. Because, if you buy underpants for your hands, the next thing you know you will have to buy pants for your hands. Then undershirts for your elbows.... WHERE WILL IT STOP?

We will stop it - by never starting.

Handerpants. Really.

On the fifth night of Channuka, I did not buy for you...

On the fifth night of Hannuka, I didn't buy you this:

Quadruple Michaelangelos!

That's right! These are life-sized TEEN AGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES! These are heroes in a half shell! Turtle power!

Look closely! Do you see nunchaku by his feet?

HOW could I turn away from this opportunity?

Two reasons*:

1. Not enough pizza

2. Even though there are FOUR- there is only ONE. Only the lonely Michaelangelo. That's it. No Raphael, Donatello, Leonardo. No April! No Splinter! How can I have one lonely Michaelangelo, bereft of all his pals?

On the plus side, I didn't see Shredder.

* Okay, three reasons. Because, $69.99. Seriously?

On the fourth night of Chanuka,I did not buy for you...

It’s day four. Half-past Channukah. What didn’t you get last night?

Dear S-I-L: Last night* I did not buy you:

Adult sized super hero pajamas.

This adult-sized footed, full body pajama suit would fit you, so I don’t have that excuse. 

It zips. 

Yes, it has a cape.

WHY, you ask, oh WHY, did I not buy this for you?

Well, there was Batman (pictured above). And there was Superman.

But no Spiderman.

And (not to give away any secret identities) I knew you had to be Spiderman. So no sale.

*I actually was at the store last night not-buying it for you!

On the third night of Hanuka, I did not buy for you...

Day three is over; the lights for night four are already dancing.

Sorry to be so late- at some point I will be blogging about the challenging day* I had today.

Let's get on to the gift not-giving, shall we?

On the third night of Hanuka, I did not buy for you:

Eco-friendly POOPOOPAPER.

This company features, in its POO-TIQUE, products that are  "handcrafted, natural, tree-free, recycled, upcycled, odorless (of course)"- and made from poop. You can get notebooks and papers crafted from donkey manure or elephant dung (for either side of the political spectrum), as well as from a surprising number of other creatures. 

This company reminds me of my first thought when I saw an advertisement for recycled toilet paper. I mean, recycled toilet paper- oo, yuck, right?

Butt this company promises to take the "oo" out of "poo"**.

I won't be buying it for you. However, if you are so moved, check it out here. 

On to night four!*** I'll be posting that one a bit earlier, I hope!


* Real quickly- some of the challenges involve me, in a car dealership, for the second time in a week, facing a $1000 repair estimate with a 1000 mile car trip planned starting tomorrow! It ends with me getting a free battery, but not being entirely sure that compensates me for the time and my blood pressure elevation.

** If you take the "oo" out of "poo," aren't you left with "p"?

*** Night four: where I plan on changing the theme of the ungifts. Really. There are in fact amusing ungifts that don't involve the excretory functions. I think.

On the second night of Hannukah, I did not buy for you ... #2!

It's the second day of Chanukah. So, what didn't I get you last night?

Well, it's night number 2.

Number TWO.

We have something of a tradition going with number 2. The first year, it was T.P. or perhaps underpants. The second year, it was a variety of items including woods wipes and fart filtering underpants. (Granted, in 2013, several days were bundled in one day. The theme remained the same, though.)

Maybe I should still bundle. Because there is SO much to choose from in this scat-egory.

For instance, if fart-filtering underwear is going too far, just stop at fart filters.

Fart filters. Perhaps same butt model as Shreddies.

So, you can use your OWN underwear and still "fart with confidence.*"

Fart filters. Look great on the buff buns above. However, why do I feel that in REAL LIFE, the filters might look like this:

OR like this:

I'm guessing, not the image one would want, right?

BUTT wait, there's more!

Apparently, flatulence filtration is a hot topic. There are choices, people. Shreddies, in addition to fart-filtering undies, also sells fart filters separately. There are also:

or:

Or maybe you prefer getting to the seat of the problem:

Chair pad for flatulence odor control.

See what I mean about choices? There are even these:



These are fart silencers, and yes, according to this article, "it goes exactly where you might guess it would go."

Finally, what if the flatulence is substantive? Just in time for the cold weather, I give you:

These are "mitten-shaped wet wipes". They promise to "make wiping fun." You need them "'cause poop is gross."

Good to know.

Not gonna buy 'em.

Bye for now.

*Shreddies' slogan







On the first night of Chanuka, I did not buy for you...

It's become a holiday tradition. For me, anyway.

Each year, I give my son-in-law the gift of not-giving. Each of the 8 nights of Chanuka, I have something special that I did not buy, just for him!

For the first night of Chanuka this year, I give you- or rather, I don't give you:

Salt and Pants

Why am I not giving you Salt & Pants? I mean, who wouldn't want an adorable salt and pepper set cleverly fashioned to be a cute manikin in a pair of pants?

Well, take a look at how you dispense the salt or pepper:

You peel the guy's pants off, shake black specks out of his trousers onto your food. Then you up-end the guy himself and shake white flakes out of his head onto your food.

No.

Keep your pants on at the table.

NOTE: I selected this gift not-to-give almost a year ago, long before the commercial where the Pillsbury dough-person gets a pair of jeans from a grateful family. 

Backlog Blog

I got knocked for a loop a few times this year. I've not been keeping up with the blog.

You may have noticed. One post in January. Now this one in December. HOWEVER....

Channukah starts in just one week! I will be returning with my annual "what I'm NOT buying you for Channukah" list in honor of my son-in-law. You can read last year's list starting here. Or go back another year to this one.

Yes, the list is back.

And yes, my Dear Daughter and her Significant Other got married!

I was almost run down by a car.

I was almost hit by a car yesterday. Here is how it happened:

I am currently residing in Chicago while I direct a fabulous play. I am staying with my Favorite Youngest Son, AJ. After a nice lunch at an Ethiopian restaurant with Favorite Youngest Son AJ, we were walking back to his apartment. We were crossing the street ON THE CROSS WALK. We were observing the traffic signals and only crossing WITH OUR WALKING MAN SIGNAL. A man felt it was okay to chat with his girlfriend-- making all important eye contact with her instead of the road-- while he made his left turn.

Almost into me.

Son AJ shouted.

I screamed.

Thank heaven, the shout or the scream caused idiot-driver-lover-boy to slam on the brakes.

The bumper of his car was less than an inch from my knees.

That was my cardio for the day.

Then, I went off to rehearsal and then returned to find SOMEONE PARKED IN MY BOUGHT-AND-PAID-FOR PARKING SPACE.

I was ALL CAPS UNHAPPY.

I am heading out this morning to right the above mentioned wrong.

And go to rehearsal.