I am excited..

About the possibilities the universe may be offering soon!

Meditations on Mother's Day

I heard from all of my biological children on Mother's Day. And I heard from some of my other children, too.








I heard from my favorite first-born daughter. She is jetting off to New York City today to do some consulting work. And she found time to write a blog that brought tears to my eyes. She is a terrific and dedicated writer. She is a deep thinker. She loves, laughs and learns. She is building a good life and building community wherever she finds herself.







I saw and visited with my favorite first-born son and his wife. They are expecting their first child. My son worries about bringing a child into this world. I am so happy that they are having this child; they are a couple who should. They are both caring, compassionate people with a commitment to building a better world. And a quirky sense of fun.







I heard from my favorite youngest son. He called later in the day. He had sent me a Mother's Day gift that reflected our shared passion for Shakespeare. He is a deep thinker, a man of great integrity. He is kind to his friends and all those he meets. I long for him to be kinder to himself.



I heard from my favorite youngest daughter. She was the first of my bio- kids to call. I can't wait to go to Chicago to see her perform as part of Scuttlebuggs. She is bright and talented and funny and caring.








The first of my kids that I heard from, though, was not one of my biological kids. One of my "alterna-daughters" sent me a Mother's Day card that arrived on Saturday. And her posting to me was the first Mother's Day greeting I received.







And I heard from two of my former students at My University. And another alterna-kid, who has adopted me as alterna-mom, a friend of my son.







I am truly blessed.

long time no me

I feel like I have been MIA for a bit. I haven't been trolling Facebook or contributing much to my social listserve of like-minded women.

Some of this is due to the overlap of the end of one semester and the start of the next semester.

Some of this is due to grief about the end of the semester- two great classes, which are likely my last at My University.

Some of it is due to health concerns.

But, regardless of the reason, I haven't been around.

I hope I am back soon.

Be the best me

I don't know what this means.

Maybe I will abandon university teaching.

Maybe I will power through, or maybe I will quit, my summer job as director for the Uber-Conservative youth theater troupe.

-- okay, I am coming back to this some weeks later.

The prompt for this post was seeing memes and quotes that reminded me that we don't need to struggle, to compete to be other than what we are- because then, what would success really mean?

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

 "It's never too late to be who you might have been." George Eliot

No one can be better at being me than I am at being me. So, I should be the best me I can be.

Only, who exactly am I these days? I have lost sight of / connection with who I am from time to time. This seems to be another one of those times.

So, to tie in the first draft comments:
I haven't abandoned university teaching. Yet. Although I fear it may be abandoning me.
And, I did quit my summer Uber-Conservative job.

* University teaching. I have been enjoying the two classes I am teaching this semester. And the students have been enjoying the classes. AND LEARNING. I've been learning too.

My students have been raving about how great my classes are. Faculty members have been coming in and telling me how much my students- their students- are loving my classes.

I finally couldn't take it anymore when a past chair of the department (and one time great mentor for me) came in to say- again- how great my classes are, how much the students say they enjoy the classes and what they are learning.

Well, I said, that doesn't seem to matter, does it?

In context it was clear I was referencing that the department doesn't seem to want to hire me as a professor.

He stopped and started from saying much of anything, but the stops and starts essentially were:
- having to do with "how the pieces fit"
- "future directions"

What I gathered is- confirmation that I *won't* be hired as full time faculty any time soon. And, part of it (this is partly my guess work now, and partly what I was told when applying for a previous job) is that I'm not world-famous published artist (and honestly, unless I won a Tony and a Pulitzer, I doubt that my home-grown qualifications will ever impress them).

And another part of it, guessing again but pretty sure though they can NEVER say it! - is my age.
(And I even THINK he said- as he was leaving- "maybe I'll get this one"- looking around my office. But maybe I was imagining that. But maybe not- as the senior faculty have all been kicked out of their previous posh offices to lowlier digs... but I digress).

Directing: I did, ultimately, for a variety of reasons, leave the directing job for the Uber-Conservative group. I still thrill with happiness and relief each time I remember that I have left that job! So very much the right decision. Still, that means I don't know when I will be directing again.

I love directing. And I am good at it. Why can't I get paid to do what I love and what I am good at?

Writing. I don't know what is holding me back. I have these great ideas and starts of ideas and then I just don't follow through.

I am hoping that a little kindness to myself and healing from the loss of the job-I-didn't-really-have-anyway will get me back on track.

Transitions SUCK

I have been teaching as grad assistant, then as adjunct, at "MY University" for almost 10 years. One of the frustrating aspects of this- beyond the fact that adjunct faculty is not really paid a professional wage- is that I have stayed busy, done lots of teaching- but with one thing and another, scholarly writing hasn't been a priority.  AND the department really didn't give much mentoring/advice/support for getting published.

Well, there have been a number of changes over the past few years. The chair of the department, let’s call him Previous Chair (PC), has stepped down as chair. He was my major mentor. I think he has personal issues going on, but whatever.

Anyway: So, theater department chair is gone, with an interim chair working while search committee does its thing. At the same time, the Dean of the College of Fine, Performing and Communications Arts left for a different position. So did the assistant dean. Interims and searches there, too.

Plus, the economy in Michigan was one of the first to suffer and one of the slowest to recover. While it is true that in a down economy many go back to school, they aren't exactly beating down the doors of the theater department.


Also, I've been told/hinted to/read between the lines that *if* there is hiring, it won't be me. Because I haven't published those scholarly articles. I haven't written big time grants. I haven't brought prestige to the university. I've just done an outstanding job of teaching students.

What is particularly painful is that this semester, I was asked at the last minute (really, about 2 and a half weeks before the start of classes) to teach two great classes (because the tenured faculty that taught them quit- I mean, abruptly retired- in a fit of pique because he couldn't get along with the interim chair). I LOVED teaching these two classes, for upperclassmen, theater majors. And the students RAVED about my classes, how great they were, how much they were learning. Other faculty stopped me in the hall and dropped by my office to tell me how much my students loved my classes.

But none of that matters: word on the street is that when faculty is hired, it will be published people with grants to their credit to enhance the prestige of the university.

Add to that, that the PhD program from which I received my degree has been "suspended" because the PhD *faculty* has not been publishing! (No wonder we received no mentoring!)

What this means for me, is that there are fewer opportunities for adjunct faculty such as myself, because now the tenured senior faculty have to teach the lowly undergrads to retain their jobs.

It is bittersweet. I am trying to stay positive- look at this as a blessing in disguise. My University has been my comfort zone, because it was something that I know. Perhaps this is the impetus I need to write more.

Also, with gas in Michigan hovering at $4 / gal, the 110 mile round trip commute is not missed!

For now, I am still technically employed at My U as I am teaching an online class in Intro to Theater. After June 30, we shall see what the universe has to offer.

Applesauce

When I was young, from time to time our family would have unexpected extra folk around at dinner time.

My mom was pretty unflappable. She didn't fuss or protest. She didn't worry aloud whether there would be "enough."

She'd have us set extra place settings. She'd stretch whatever main dish she was making, if she could- and she was expert at that.

And she would open applesauce.

Somehow, bringing out the applesauce- one extra offering on the table- made the plates still full even with smaller portions.

I wonder, what is your applesauce?

encouraging new artists

I went to a conference.

I went to two staged readings of new plays. Each play was the winner for its category, one for adults and one for high school students. The goal of the adult competition was the discovery, development and publicizing of worthy new plays and playwrights. Although a purpose for the high school competition was not given, one might assume similar goals.

For the high school student-playwright, the talk back went like this:

The moderator introduced the playwright after the staged reading. Then, the moderator gave the audience guidelines for response: First, give the playwright feedback about what is working, what you admire and like about the play. Then, give the playwright feedback about questions, what you wanted to know more about in the play. Next, give the playwright feedback about concerns or confusion, areas that you aren't certain about in the play. Finally, the playwright was invited to ask the audience or actors anything she wanted to know about their experiences.

Smart, huh?

Now the adult winner. Note that I said: winner. Award-winning. Selected as the WINNER, right?
The facilitator, also a playwright, first introduced the playwright and quoted a famous playwright (one she quoted frequently, as in "When I was working with Famous Playwright, he said...") as saying: the smartest person in the room is the writer.

Then she said "this is what is working: Good job, actors"

(and, the actors were uneven, but overall okay)

"Great directing"

(A. this was a staged reading- limited directing. B. the directing sucked. It was distracting to say the least about it)

"Now, comments on the play."

And the facilitator went on to state her opinion (liberally sprinkled with "I think we will all agree")- setting the table for the audience- that the play didn't work. That this award- WINNING play had flaws right and left. Mind you, she contradicted herself in her criticisms several times- that the play had no conflict/then the play had a great conflict but it wasn't resolved; that the play didn't tell you enough about something/that the play told you too much about that same something.

Meanwhile, in between belittling the play, she would say, "the play is lovely," "the relationships are lovely."

All while the playwright is sitting ONSTAGE RIGHT NEXT TO THE FACILITATOR, unable to respond to these comments.

When the audience was finally allowed to respond, predictably, they echoed some of the "expert's" opinions.

The WINNING playwright left the session seriously questioning whether or not to continue writing.

This is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

I was appalled. Horrified. Angry.

I am grateful that the high school student was not savaged in this way- however, is this any way to treat our best and our brightest? Is this any way to recognize a WINNER?