Holiday in the season of sorrow

While Christmas is not my holiday, it is for many that I love. This entire season is triggering on many levels since Ken died.

Thanksgiving was hugely challenging. The kids and I planned to gather in Chicagoland in homes and hotels. We knew it would be tough. We worked hard to make choices that would make it easier on all of us: only cooking or baking the foods we really wanted to make, and ordering pre-cooked items for the rest; a more relaxed timeline; easy games with the grandkids. 

My son J and his family in Ann Arbor tested positive for Covid the morning of the day that they were to leave to join us in Chicagoland. 

Hard missing Ken, and then hard missing our son/brother and family to grieve together, to play together with grandkids/cousins. 

We made it through with full hearts, full bellies. We literally cried in our beer. We had some breakdowns and some build ups. We came out the other side.

Since then, there has been  a trip for me to North Carolina to visit my friend SJR and Chanukah. 

The trip to North Carolina was great. Walking every day, sharing our losses- the good memories and the hard memories- laughing some, weeping some. Cherishing each other. We've been friends for more than 50 years. There is a special ease in sitting with someone who knows your history. 

Chanukah was tough. Emails and calls with the out-of-town kids. CMK and KG were staying with me- mostly. JK and family came up from Ann Arbor for the first night on Thursday and we were together, with grandkids and that eased me a bit. Friday, the second night, was at my temple, with dinner and Shabbat service, which was lovely.  I felt the shared community.

The next night was a gathering- a Chanukah party at the rabbi's house. Attending that, in retrospect, was a huge mistake. I felt isolated and set apart from my community. Not feeling any party vibe. Feeling alone in a room of couples- and those who are solo for a long time. I sneaked out early.

CMK and KG left Sunday morning. That night was hard, lighting Chanukah candles in the darkness all alone for the first time in my life.

I muddled through the rest of the week- met with my sister once, went to grandson J's band concert, lots of grading of my students' papers and projects as they made a mad dash to somehow pass the class. 

On Thursday, the last night, I drove to JK and family in Ann Arbor and we had dinner, and candle lighting, and some gifts. Grandson J was sick. We were pretty sure it was a reaction to vaccines and sedatives that he'd had that day, but we masked and distanced anyway. J was fine the next day, so we are confident that is what it was. In an odd way, this made it seem even more family, more like home. Daughter-in-law J cradling her son J's head, while I was masked and rubbing his feet wasn't the typical holiday, but it was family.

The next night's service, Friday Dec 15, had been intended to be led on Zoom by 88 year old Bob and me. Bob called the night before to say he wasn't up for it. We were able to hand off to the rabbi (who had been wanting that service anyway) and that freed me up to do more grading. The 16th and 17th I was grading, grading, grading.

Except on Saturday, when I took a break to drive to Hurley hospital to visit my friend KD who had broken her hip *replacement* inside her body. She was going to have a hip replacement-replacement in the next couple of days. 

On the way home from visiting her in the hospital, I stopped by my sister's house. Her son and daughter-in-law M & M were there and we visited and shared a dinner. That was a good visit. 

I came home and was talking with son J in Ann Arbor figuring out plans for getting my car in the shop and my dog to stay with J and family. We talked to Diane too and since it was agreed that we could leave later on Monday, we decided that J would drive to my house and we would take my car to the dealership and then Diane would pick me up from my house. J had to be at a computer by 9:00 am for a work meeting.

It worked out almost like that. 

J headed out but there was snow, traffic, and the highway was shut down. So I took the car in later, Diane picked me up from the dealership, and took me back to my house, where J had arrived and was on the computer with his meeting. We loaded up- later than Diane wanted- headed out. J kept working, then took my dog with him on his lunch break to Ann Arbor.

Diane and I had a long drive from Michigan to Tennessee. We had some snow and traffic in Cincinnati, but otherwise made good time. WE stayed at our cousin's that night. We stopped for a drink at S & S palatial home, then on to cousin SL with her son KL. Stayed up late talking. Made ice cream drinks (Hummers). Diane was able to spend some individual time with our cousin. 

We spent most of the next day with our cousins. We left after lunch for the first of two legs of the trip to Alabama near the Gulf where my dad and his wife winter.  We arrived at lunch time Dec 20. My dad's birthday was on the 23rd, then Christmas Eve and today, Christmas Day.

Every place I go, I remember Ken. This is the trip we had been making for years- down south, stopping in Tennessee with my cousin- last year with both my Aunt B and Sherri, it was me and Ken- and now, my sister and I with my cousin and her son. My aunt died in April, Ken in September. 

I am ready to say goodbye to 2023. I'm sure there were good things that happened this year, but for me this year is stamped with loss and conflict. 

You have been invited...

 I received the email reminder that I sent myself:

“You have been invited to an event: Take Out the Trash…”

I am invited to this event weekly. I need the reminder, because it just doesn’t stick in my brain. 

I’ve been able to turn off the reminders to feed my dog daily in the morning, but I still have a daily reminder in the evening to feed her. 

Time doesn’t make sense to me right now. 

I just sent an email to the university -not Byzantine U, we’ll call this 3rd U, since it is the third university at which I have taught with some regularity- to 3rd U that I will not be available to teach the class that I had been asked to teach this winter. It is a synchronous class, meaning I have to be in an internet-active place at a certain time for two hours every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon. I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth for that time commitment. 

Time doesn’t make sense to me right now.

I have commitments that are important to me in my family, and in my faith-and-friend community, and I am barely holding it together there. 

I just vacuumed the living room for the first time in at least a month. 

I just started a load of laundry for the first time in at least two weeks.

I am struggling to assist my struggling (asynchronous) students. We will get through the semester somehow.

Thanksgiving is next week. It feels like the first major holiday since Ken died- although it isn’t. We had Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Simchat Torah— but Rosh Hashanah was just days after Ken was buried and that entire month is a blur of pain and loss and forgetfulness.

I’ve started therapy. The jury’s still out, but at least I am setting aside an hour a week to focus on my journey.

Hard hard day

Today  (October 30) I am feeling unwanted, unneeded, unnecessary. I'm feeling my imposter syndrome- if I am such a good teacher (I AM!) why do they (University admin) keep abusing me.

The chair of my department at Byzantine U, where I have been teaching (first as a graduate teaching assistant, then as part-time faculty) for over 20 years, has casually informed me that they "don't have a class for me" due to a senior tenured faculty coming "back" and therefore needing a class to teach and therefore taking the class I would have been teaching.

This was dropped in the midst of a message: "I've been thinking about you, about your loss, is there anything I can do..." then "Oh by the way..."

Yeah right. Lots of help.

That stung. 

I know I’m fragile and vulnerable. I try to take it into account. It’s still a struggle.

Push/pull

 I'm proud of myself, I'm getting so much done.

I'm a mess, I'm falling apart.

It seems both things are true. 

I have been having a series of challenging days.

I am hunkered down at home today for most of the day. Yesterday I ran around and around and ran errands. 

I have a long, long list of Things To Do. I am chipping away at the list. 

Yesterday morning I cleaned out a a towel cupboard and two kitchen cupboards. I wrote thank you cards.

Later, I took thank you cards and mailed them at the post office.

I went to pick up my two aged, broken computers that I had dropped off for data transfer. The nice tech guy said he had really tried, but he wasn't able to access the hard drive of the oldest computer. I took it anyway, to work on it at home, give it one more try. 

I went to the school where Ken worked, to drop off paper recycling and check on the tree planted in his memory. I went to Goodwill and dropped off a box and three bags of discards. I went in to the grocery store, and bought coffee and couple more items.

Then I came home, and later my sister came over and we made one of our Hello Fresh meals. 

Today I've been feeling overwhelmed with plans for Thanksgiving, with my teaching work, with my responsibilities as ritual chair for my temple, with upcoming Chanukah. 

I was feeling so overwhelmed. I kept chipping away.

Today I made another of the meals, with a portion for my lunch and a portion for my dinner. 

Today I walked the dog. I worked on another cupboard. I'm trying to organize my lists. 

I reserved tickets for a show I'll attend with my son and his spouse. 

I had a long phone call with my favorite youngest daughter.  I had a FaceTime call with one of my alterna-daughters and her newborn.

Today I asked for help with Chanukah- and had several responses.

Today I wrote an article for the quarterly temple bulletin, and identified people in photos.

Today I tried to transfer the data from the oldest computer- and I was successful! What I had forgotten to mention to the tech guy is that this particular computer has to be plugged in the entire time- the battery doesn't charge. Not only that, but also you have to make sure that the plug is actually connecting.

Data transfer- accomplished!

I noticed that the deadline was coming up to post proof of flu vaccination at the University. I looked up how to do it, and I posted that proof.

I still have a number of things that I really must do before I sleep. I still feel overwhelmed. 

I will keep chipping away.

Everything is triggering

 I'm waiting on an appointment with the therapist. I'm sure I'll be told that all of this is normal.

Every damn thing is triggering.

Looking at a calendar is triggering. Today is 6 weeks since he was buried. Today would have been my mom's 86th birthday. She died two years ago, on October 4 2021. My aunt died 6 months ago this month.

Looking at the checkbook is triggering. He used to bail me out when I was off by some odd number. He managed the other checkbooks.

Writing the bills is triggering (I paid the small bills, he paid the large ones). Grocery shopping is triggering (Not buying licorice. No need for more wine- I won't drink alone). Making coffee is triggering (he made me coffee every morning). Watching TV is triggering (I'm watching that series that wasn't interesting to him-- at all. I'm watching the final season of that series we watched together).

I'm veering between overwhelming sadness that stops my breath and flat affect- paralysis, inertia.

I don't know which is worse.

Sunday musings

 I'm trying to give myself permission to not-do shit. Actually, trying to forgive myself for not-doing-shit. 

Because I'm not doing shit.

I have this vague guilt/thought/feeling that I ought to be grading papers, contacting students, pushing ahead with the next lesson plans.

I should be contacting all the kind friends and family who have given support and love over the last several weeks.

I should be writing more, cooking more, cleaning more.

I should be working out.

I should...

But I'm not.

I've done a lot today: walked* and fed the dog; rested on the couch so that I could hear my early-rising grandson and scoop him up for morning snack and quiet activities so that his sister and his dad could sleep for a while; made coffee; made breakfasts; watched over grandkids; made lunch; watched grandkids some more...

I don't know what to do about my lethargy, my disinclination to do anything.

Clearly, I am doing what's necessary. I am. 

I will do all those "I shoulds" at some point.

I just don't have the energy to tackle it right now. 

When any one of those items becomes necessary, I will do it. 

But right now, they are not urgent. They can wait.

And I don't want to do it.

*I am trying to walk with the dog every day. Even if it is not far, it is a part of a routine that may help heal.

Sweetest Day

 Today is Sweetest Day, a stupid H*llm*rk Holiday, and I'm hurting.

It's stupid, stupid holiday.

Ken always got my something- chocolate, or flowers.

A night out.

In 2019, when I was with Beth and Effie in Oregon, he had flowers delivered to the home where we were hosted.

In 1980, our first Sweetest Day, he got me a kitten, Jeremiah. Not only our first pet, a real statement that we were our own family. Because of his sister Esther's cat phobia, we weren't "supposed" to have a cat.

He gave me- gave us- a cat.

It's Sweetest Day. Beth is in Oregon, possibly the last time for this particular trip. I am in Illinois with the two kids, now, helping watch over them while she travels.

Especially important, as shortly after Beth left, her spouse Danny tested positive for Covid.

Being useful helps with what I'm feeling.

Being with grandkids helps. 

Sweetest Day doesn't help. At all.