5779: On the eighth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Last night we lit all eight candles, ushering in the last of the eight days of Chanukah.

So today, here are your last gifts.

I am not-giving you socks.

It's not because of your age.  Although, according to this chart, socks may soon bring you joy:

Anyone know who created this chart? Because I'd LOVE to give them credit!

It also is not because there are no really clever socks out there- how about these:

Make sure your pants cuffs are long enough, and/or don't cross your legs at that meeting. Unless you really want to make a statement about that meeting.

These socks also seem to call your name:

So there are appropriately inappropriate socks out there for you.  However, socks are related to stockings, which really are for a holiday in another tradition, so... no.

Also not buying you hand-wearables (I would say gloves, but if you will recall the HANDERPANTS that I did not-give you already, there is some confusion these days with what is appropriate garb for hands!).

There are hands masquerading as feet:

It is noted on the site that this is sold as a Finger Foot. Not Finger Feet-- although they declare that IF you buy two, they will probably find a left and a right Finger Foot.

Or these:

I did not scrutinize the fine print to see if you have to buy two, or if they assume you are ambi-duckstrous*

Also not buying this:

Although now, I believe we have strayed from the apparel to the a- puppet realm of gift giving. Why wouldn't I give you this delightful handicorn? Who wouldn't love a unicorn at their finger tips?

Many reasons, but two come to mind:

1. Handicorn sounds too much like candy corn, thus completely confusing a sugar holiday with a fat and carb holiday. Plus, you shouldn't chew your fingers.

2. Please note which finger is lifted to salute you with the unicorn's horn. WHAT KIND OF SALUTE IS THAT?

This does not sound like a unicorn thing to do. This is much more a cat thing to do.

Farewell until next time.

Once again, I harbor hope that I will be writing more in this blog between now and next Chanukah, but in case I don't or in case you don't read it if I do, take care of yourself and please come back and read me next time!

_____________________________


* Not apologizing. Why do you expect it? HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?

5779: On the seventh night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

I was SO CLOSE to actually posting each day of Chanukah on the actual DAY.

The seventh day was my downfall.

Here is what I fully intended not-giving you on day seven of Chanukah:

Snacks.

The festival of lights is the FEASTival of fried! We celebrate oil! We make lotsa-latkes! We fry up some sufganiyot (that's hot jelly donuts, my friend!). We eat chocolate gelt (gold foil wrapped around chocolate so it looks like MONEY!-- I have no idea why this is a thing, somebody help me out here, but it is definitely a thing!).

So we eat. But not these things:

I found assorted gums with clever titles: I hope eye rolling counts as cardio gum, I’m sorry I called you an asshole—I thought you knew gum, I have PMS & GPS: I’m a bitch and I WILL find you gum, I’m not sarcastic I’m just mean gum, cat butt gum—

Okay, that last one wasn’t especially clever, but you get the idea. These are just GUM with labels*.

You are a creative guy. You can label your own gum. 

Also not buying you these:

 

Or these:

Snacks, yes. But do these say Chanukah to you? Chanukah is fats (all that oil!) and carbs (all those potatoes!). Don't let the cheddar cheese or the sour cream & onion fool you-- these are protein snacks**!  

Besides, how would you know if you were crunching an ordinary cricket, or your conscience, by Jiminy?!?

Nope. 

I did consider these mints, though.

However, the timing is all wrong. You are far too young for Retiremints; and let's face it, Atonemints are more properly offered at Yom Kippur.

I hope you had a happy seventh day of Chanukah!

 ______________

*At least, I HOPE cat butt gum is just regular gum with a label saying cat butt!

**I know this because when I was substitute teaching, I taught a science class to fourth graders about eating bugs. "BUG BITES. Earth Science News for kids in Scholastic News."

5779: On the sixth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Welcome to the sixth day of Chanukah!

What's on the not-giving agenda for today?

Some of you may know that my DSIL and DD* are now homeowners. New homeowners, and long-time homeowners, are sometimes tempted to "Do-It-Yourself". DIY. Just YouTube that pesky project or troublesome task and GET 'ER DONE!

I applaud this. I truly do, not withstanding that I have, over the course of my nearly 30 years of homeownership, accumulated a motley mix of epic fails at DIY and smart-move outsourcing (because I like being married to my husband, I will cheerfully pay for SOMEONE ELSE to install ceramic tile).

So, I leave these decisions to you- DIY or DDIY**.

However, be cautious. Don't get hurt crawling under plumbing or reaching the unreachable light (I have one of those unreachable lights. It is an eternal mystery how the bulb will ever be changed).

Because if you hurt yourself, you might need traction. And I am not buying you this:

WHAT IN ALL THAT IS HOLY HANUKAH*** IS THIS?

This, my friends, is a portable spinal traction device. Why bother with doctors, hospitals, and all that red tape and white gauze? You can DIY spinal traction.

You can "Relieve Back Pain with Daily Use." Just three easy steps: 1. Lie Down. 2. Bend Your Knees. 3. Push.

I profess myself a skeptic.  I have used those three steps multiple times for various activities, but not for DIY spinal traction. I'm not starting now.

And neither are you.

Not to mention, this was an offering at the GROCERY STORE. Not the supermarket where they sell tangerines and tires, but the straight-up GROCERY STORE. #notgroceries

Not buying it.

Guess what else I'm not buying you?

 

Do It Yourself Dentistry? Oh, no.

Not buying it.

Why?

Is it safe? No.
No, it's not.

______________________________




*Dear Daughter, natch.

** Don't Do It Yourself, of course.

*** Actually, Hanukah is not the "holiest" of holidays, but  "What in the Jumpin' Jewish Traditions" didn't have the same ring to it.

5779: On the fifth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Welcome to the fifth day! We are already more than half-past Hanukah!

How time flies! It's mind blowing!

Speaking of mind blowing ... here's what I'm not getting you:

It's an emergency brain! Just inflate!

It's true, I've had more than one occasion that another brain might have helped me out. But honestly, with the news today, my mind is blown regularly.

I figure it's the same with you.

I don't need another mind-blowing experience.

Besides, how much help would this emergency brain truly be? Clearly, it's an airhead.

Food for thought:

(These are gummy brains. Chew on that for a while.)

5779: On the fourth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

On the fourth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Well, strictly speaking, on the fourth night of Chanukah, I didn't not-buy you anything. I was busy... but, fortunately for all of us, all Jewish holidays begin at sundown and then continue through the next day until sundown. So, I'm still on time! AND today is THURSDAY, so we can do a little Throwback Thursday action.

For instance, remember when I didn't give you this:

 

You can read all about WHY I didn't give it to you HERE 

There were a few reasons, including NOT WANTING YOU TO BE DEVOURED, which is in part while I am not giving you this one this year:

I must confess that with this particular photo, I am not sure if the dragon is eating the child, or regurgitating the child*.

Also, I am charmed at the specificity of the GREEN dragon. Also a MAGICAL character.  To differentiate between this and the GRAY shark, which is an UNDERWATER character.

Continuing to THROW BACK** on this Thursday, remember all those times I didn't buy you drinking accessories? For instance, when I didn't give you the BOOT? When I didn't give a chill option to get HAMMERED?

 When I didn't get you what you FLASKED for***?

So, perhaps we should sober up****. Therefore, I will not give you:

This is SOBERDOUGH. According to the website,

Home baked bread --- Just add beer --- No Baking skills needed!

 Okay, I added the emphasis. That exclamation point is all me!

Why didn't I buy this for you? Several reasons:

1. The DOUGH gets to drink, but you don't? Unfair! 

2. This implies that you have no baking skills. I would never suggest such a thing.

3. This display was an impulse-buy display at the check out counter of the HARDWARE STORE. Who shops for fine cuisine at the hardware store? Who impulsively bakes?*****

So no, didn't buy this.

One last TBT gem:

Remember when I didn't buy you POO-POURI? When I didn't buy you the SQUATTY POTTY? 

LOOK what I found on recent shopping trips!

AND

The POO-POURI gift sets were in the aforementioned hardware store near the Soberdough (another reason not to buy SOBERDOUGH-- just saying!). The SQUATTY POTTY stack was at Costco! (I think Costco. Maybe Meijer?)

I'm NOT not-giving you either of these to you this year; that would be redundant. I'm just including them to show you how trend-setting we are! Our not-giving gifts are mainstream these days!

So, happy Thursday and happy fourth day of Chanukah!

Talk to you soon!
__________________________________


*Are dragons like owls? Pellet-puke instead of poop? Although, I am pretty sure that dragon fewmets are poop.

** THROW BACK! Get it? See what I did there?

*** Not apologizing. Nope.You can take it. You have BALLS OF STEEL. 

**** Or maybe not. It's the holidays! Eat, drink, and so on!

***** Okay, forget that last one. I have been known to impulsively bake.

5779: On the third night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

It's late. The candles have burned low and finally gone out on this, the third night of Chanukah.

A good thing, too. You wouldn't want an open flame around the gift I'm not giving you tonight.

This is a fart bank.  Or, more accurately, a farting fanny bank.

Here is the bank in the box:

It says: Drop some loot & hear me toot.

Clever, eh? It's a gas!

That may be so. Butt I think it stinks.

First of all, it's plastic. But it doesn't accept credit cards. Seems contradictory.

Then, it requires batteries. Not included. Not good.

Finally, flatulence is a fickle fiscal foundation.

So there. 

5779: On the second night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you:

The sun has set, and so we light the candles for the second night of Chanukah.

There is something of a tradition for night number two.

For instance, last year 5778, there was this festive fecal reindeer.

In 5775*, we considered shittens and subtle butt gifts.

In 5774, even though the post was for nights one through four, it was really all number two.

In 5773, back when it all began, night number two (heh - heh) started this tradition.

You can guess where I'm going** with this, right?

So this year, I am not giving you this:

 "One of the amazing things poop can do is create beautiful white sandy beaches."  Did you know that? I did not know that. Apparently, it's true. Because SCIENCE***.

This book is one in a series of the POWER of POOP. Other books in the series include:

And more:

Also: 

(This is actually a thing: Check out the power of poop here. However, this site, even though it is SCIENCE, makes me nervous, because it has a Do It Yourself instructions link, right under "Is Fecal Transplant for You?" DO IT YOURSELF???)

Then there is this:

 


This is actually something I could get BEHIND****. 

POOP CAN SAVE THE WORLD! Check out the VIDEO 

Finally, the book series (and perhaps the world) ends with this:

I'm not sure I want to know.

Anyway, as useful, educational, and world-saving as this is, I did not get you the Sand-Beaches-with-Poop book.

WHY, you may ask.

Is it because you don't have lake front property? No, that's not it-- you are close to Lake Michigan, AND a splash pool park, so where there's water, there can be beaches, yes?

Is it because I fear fecal fish? No, 'fraid not.

Is it because I don't believe in the power of poop? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? In this season of miracles, I BELIEVE!

No, it's just that-- this book is available at your local library -- YOUR library, DSIL :-) 

That's where I took the picture. 

SO, check it out!

 
Now I'm going to go light the candles.
If it's safe to light a match.



* I don't know why we missed the tradition in 5776 and 5777 -- but if you noticed, what is the number of years we missed? That's right, number TWO!

** GOING, get it?

*** No, really, SCIENCE. Nova even has a website on GROSS SCIENCE about the power of poop.  And also on how pee can change the world.

**** BEHIND, get it??

5779: On the first night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Hi, friends. I bet you are wondering what I did NOT buy for my DSIL* this season.

I give you (actually, I do NOT give you) the light up holiday 3 piece suit:

It comes in a variety of colors:

 

Oh, yes it does!

Pretty snazzy, right? Here is the manufacturer's description:


"Each suit is made with durable, comfortable polyester fabric that includes a flexible waistband for added comfort. It comes with 20 LED lights that you can turn off/on."

How about that! It's durable! It's comfortable! It has a flexible waistband (a nice option for these feastivals, I can tell you)! Wearing this, you can GET LIT!

So WHY, you may ask, did I NOT buy this for you.

1. Cultural reasons. Tonight is the first night of Chanukah. It's Chanukah not-giving. You can say "Holiday Suit" until you are red (and green) in the face, but this is clearly a Christmas Holiday suit.

2.  Ecological reasons. BATTERIES IN YOUR CLOTHES??

3. Kindness to your other clothes reasons: I wouldn't want this to overshadow my DSIL's pineapple suit, which he does own and does wear:

4. Redundancy issues: I am not 100% certain my DSIL doesn't already own, or hasn't at least WORN, one of these suits. The half-face on this model looks suspiciously familiar, especially as posing in suit #3 of 4!


Enjoy the holiday! May you be among those who bring light in the darkness!


*DSIL = Dear Son-In-Law, for whom I have started and continued this tradition.

On the eighth night of Chanukah*, I did not give to you...

The last night! What can I not give you?

How about this:

No, it isn't a gun rack. No, it isn't even a gun.

It is a lighter. It is a firearm for starting fires.

I found these at the grocery store** (that's where I didn't buy it).

It's hard to guess the scale from the picture, so I will tell you that each of these is about 15 inches long. 

If you look closely, you can see that each lighter is thoughtfully tagged with a print out of the Second Amendment.

That tag is one of the reasons I didn't give this to you last night. I fear that in the current political climate, referencing the Second Amendment could be inflammatory.

I mean, either side of the debate might think you were making light of their position.

Also, to the best of my knowledge, you don't have a barbecue. This is clearly labeled as a barbecue lighter.

Enjoy this last day of Chanukah- however you spell it.


*This is my Dear Husband's preferred English transliteration- well, actually, with this underlining: Chanukah. But I wasn't able to do the underlining in the title.

** I'm actually thinking of a new blog series: #notgroceriesatgrocerystore!

On the seventh night of Hanukah, I did not give to you...

On the penultimate night of the holiday, what did I not give you?

 This is the festival of lights. As the darkness and cold of winter approach, we kindle our candles to spread light and warmth.

But sometimes, we must face the darkness.

This gift I am not giving you is not for the faint of heart. Be warned.

These are zombie garden gnomes and they are gnawing on a fellow lawn ornament:

Why am I not giving you this? Well, although I have very little compassion for pink flamingo lawn ornaments, not even the pinkos deserve this fate.

Plus, it's kind of disgusting.

But the real reason I am not giving this to you is (and I hate to break it to you):

Gnomes, like jolly old elves, are not real.

On the sixth night of Haneka*, I did not give to you...

On the sixth night of Haneka, what did I not give you?

The sixth night was also Shabbat, so we celebrated at our temple with a Latke-palooza! That's right, delicious latkes and other treats were shared in a festive meal at our temple before Shabbat services.

Like many Jewish holidays, this one can be boiled down to:
They tried to kill us.
We won.
Let's eat!

So, just so that you are always ready to dine (and I know you are!) I am not giving you these:

These are picnic pants. I've seen them described as "jeans and harem pants" but honestly I don't see the sexy harem pants in these. However, they are pants with a built-in table! AND a side pouch for your beer can! See food! Grab food! Cop a squat and eat!

Perhaps the Huff post describes them best in this article.

Perhaps you are wondering why I am not giving these to you?

I think they are ugly. However, as always, YAMV**.

On to the PENULTIMATE*** NIGHT OF HANEKA!

* I actually don't think this is a good spelling for the holiday, but I'm enjoying the variety.
** "Your Aesthetic May Vary"
*** I love using the word "penultimate".****
**** I also love asterisks.

On the fifth night of Khanukkah*, I did not give to you...

On the fifth night, perhaps I should not-give you a fifth?

Oh, you thought I meant something else?

(No, that would  be something I would give you!)

I was thinking instead of not giving you this:

Everyone enjoys a peace of toast!**

However, due to limitations of counter space, this is something I am not giving you. Besides, there is only one peace.

Although, I think there is peace on both sides.

* Perhaps my favorite spelling thus far.

** Or a toast to peace! With the fifth! Or should I take the fifth?

On the fourth night of Hanika*, I did not give to you...

I know that you love dogs, toys, and bargains, so I know you will love not getting this on the fourth night**:

This is ZOOMER, "your REAL best friend".

He is new!
Il est nouveau! (Therefore, multi-cultural! Bilingual! Available in Canada!)
He has TWO TIMES THE TRICKS!

Why wouldn't I be getting the adorable Zoomer for you? I mean, watch this!

Well...

1. You already have two dogs. Far more adorable than Zoomer could hope to be.
2. He has 2 times the tricks. Looking at that cocked leg on the box, I am suspicious of tricks involving the number 2.
3. Zoomer... Zombie... too close for comfort.
4. Zoomer was $49.99 used at the Goodwill. Online, $24.94- although at a store that is evil incarnate at which I will not shop. So, get taken advantage of by Goodwill? Or shop at Evil Incarnate? No can do.
5. Your beautiful bride was traumatized by a robot dog when she was a tiny child. I cannot reopen that wound.

Otherwise, I would SO have bought this for you!  

* ALSO a valid spelling. Check it out here!

** Yeah, I know I'm almost two nights behind. We got a bit busy over here. Stay tuned- we'll get caught up over the weekend.

On the third night of Hanaka*, I did not give to you...

Guess what you didn't get last night?

These are BALLS OF STEEL. They cool your whiskey without diluting it. This seems a quite useful gift, in the spirits of the season.

I was all set to buy them.

But then I heard you already had balls of steel.

On to the next night!

*This spelling is as acceptable as any other. Get over it.

On the Second Night of Hanuka, I did not give to you...

...wherein on the second day of Hanuka, the second spelling of Hanuka, our beloved writer gets caught up or synced  up with gift not-giving.

The second night of Hanuka has come and gone, and no doubt you are wondering what I didn't get for you. As we are still on the second day of Hanuka (as this holiday, as all Jewish holidays, begins at sundown), I still have time to not give you your gift!

I love my trips to the Goodwill store so much! I have found yet another gift not to give you! Here it is:

Can you see it? It's a chess set! It is in the classic black and white- always in style. At the Goodwill, so at a price that is nice!

But wait! It's more than a chess set!

It is a set of shot glasses!

So this leads to a series of questions:
* Is this chess set a thinking man's game?
* Is this chess set a drinking man's game?
* Is this chess set sexist?

I was confused. Nevertheless, I know you to be a man who thinks, and a man who drinks (on occasion) so I was mightily tempted to get this for you.

However, I know that you are not sexist.

Besides, there was no box. Just the Styrofoam inner case. Gifts need boxes! Ambiguous games need instructions!

Plus, I hate Styrofoam.

On the sixth night of Channuka, I did not buy for you...

And also, on the seventh night of Channuka, I did not buy for you...

How the days fly by!

Last night, we lit the candles for the seventh night- and I had yet to post what I didn't get for you on the sixth night!

So, on the sixth night of Channuka, I did not buy for you:

This United States Sweater. Why didn't I buy it? It's not because it's the wrong size- though it is. It's not because you have too many sweaters. How can one have too many sweaters?

No.

It's because it's a United States Sweater, clearly labeled.

Also clearly labeled: Made in China.

Unacceptable!

They could at least move one of the labels. So that the contradiction is not so evident.

On to the seventh night of Channuka. Last night- and today. So I'm caught up! Give me a hand! While I do not give you:

Handerpants. Yes, Handerpants.

Or rather, no Handerpants.

These are underpants for your hands. I will not buy them. Because, if you buy underpants for your hands, the next thing you know you will have to buy pants for your hands. Then undershirts for your elbows.... WHERE WILL IT STOP?

We will stop it - by never starting.

Handerpants. Really.