5778: On the fifth night...

On the fifth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

a fifth. Although a fifth comes in Kraken.

However, a fifth is a lot of booze. Where would you put it*, since I did not buy you this?

This is a stainless steel flask. Of the type known as a "pocket flask" or a "hip flask". This flask even has the slightly curved shape designed to comfortably follow the curve of one's - um- er- flank.

A flask, a "pocket flask," a "hip flask".

And there, holding this flask, is my thumb.

My thumb. Not Gargantua's thumb. Not Sasquatch's thumb**. My normal human-sized thumb.

So I didn't buy this for you.

1. This flask fails as a pocket flask, because it would cause a pocket failure, a wardrobe malfunction, if you tried to shove this into your pocket.

2. This flask fails as a hip flask. At least, it fails for most hips I've seen. Maybe as a hipS flask, it might succeed.

3. Unless it comes with a matching stainless steel funnel (it doesn't), it may very well fail as a flask. The function of a flask is to hold your precious libations securely, and I think this flask is challenging to fill without spill. Of course, I could be wrong. I didn't take it for a test drive***. 

4. Also, this type of flask is meant to be discrete****, and clearly this is anything but discrete.

5. Plus*****, this flask does not know its place. I found it at the grocery store. Not the one-stop-shopping store that masquerades as a grocery store, but the straight up grocery store. And not in the adult beverage aisle, either. No. It was on the shelves lining the produce section. Go figure.

So no, I am not buying this for you. You'll just have to find a glass and use your thumb- your normal, human-sized thumb- to judge your jigger, as you pour forth from your fifth on the fifth.

 Happy Chanukah!


* Okay, so you do  have an idea where to put the booze. I meant, between sips.

** Sasquatach has his own flask. Engraved. So now we know his name and birthday. 

*** Driving, even test driving, should never get NEAR this flask.

**** Discretion being the better part of valor and the flask being filled with liquid courage.

***** PLUS SIZED, am I right?

PS: Have you noticed when you type a word many times, it starts to look wrong? Are you sure it's not spelled "flasque"?