5779: On the eighth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Last night we lit all eight candles, ushering in the last of the eight days of Chanukah.

So today, here are your last gifts.

I am not-giving you socks.

It's not because of your age.  Although, according to this chart, socks may soon bring you joy:

Anyone know who created this chart? Because I'd LOVE to give them credit!

It also is not because there are no really clever socks out there- how about these:

Make sure your pants cuffs are long enough, and/or don't cross your legs at that meeting. Unless you really want to make a statement about that meeting.

These socks also seem to call your name:

So there are appropriately inappropriate socks out there for you.  However, socks are related to stockings, which really are for a holiday in another tradition, so... no.

Also not buying you hand-wearables (I would say gloves, but if you will recall the HANDERPANTS that I did not-give you already, there is some confusion these days with what is appropriate garb for hands!).

There are hands masquerading as feet:

It is noted on the site that this is sold as a Finger Foot. Not Finger Feet-- although they declare that IF you buy two, they will probably find a left and a right Finger Foot.

Or these:

I did not scrutinize the fine print to see if you have to buy two, or if they assume you are ambi-duckstrous*

Also not buying this:

Although now, I believe we have strayed from the apparel to the a- puppet realm of gift giving. Why wouldn't I give you this delightful handicorn? Who wouldn't love a unicorn at their finger tips?

Many reasons, but two come to mind:

1. Handicorn sounds too much like candy corn, thus completely confusing a sugar holiday with a fat and carb holiday. Plus, you shouldn't chew your fingers.

2. Please note which finger is lifted to salute you with the unicorn's horn. WHAT KIND OF SALUTE IS THAT?

This does not sound like a unicorn thing to do. This is much more a cat thing to do.

Farewell until next time.

Once again, I harbor hope that I will be writing more in this blog between now and next Chanukah, but in case I don't or in case you don't read it if I do, take care of yourself and please come back and read me next time!

_____________________________


* Not apologizing. Why do you expect it? HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?

5779: On the seventh night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

I was SO CLOSE to actually posting each day of Chanukah on the actual DAY.

The seventh day was my downfall.

Here is what I fully intended not-giving you on day seven of Chanukah:

Snacks.

The festival of lights is the FEASTival of fried! We celebrate oil! We make lotsa-latkes! We fry up some sufganiyot (that's hot jelly donuts, my friend!). We eat chocolate gelt (gold foil wrapped around chocolate so it looks like MONEY!-- I have no idea why this is a thing, somebody help me out here, but it is definitely a thing!).

So we eat. But not these things:

I found assorted gums with clever titles: I hope eye rolling counts as cardio gum, I’m sorry I called you an asshole—I thought you knew gum, I have PMS & GPS: I’m a bitch and I WILL find you gum, I’m not sarcastic I’m just mean gum, cat butt gum—

Okay, that last one wasn’t especially clever, but you get the idea. These are just GUM with labels*.

You are a creative guy. You can label your own gum. 

Also not buying you these:

 

Or these:

Snacks, yes. But do these say Chanukah to you? Chanukah is fats (all that oil!) and carbs (all those potatoes!). Don't let the cheddar cheese or the sour cream & onion fool you-- these are protein snacks**!  

Besides, how would you know if you were crunching an ordinary cricket, or your conscience, by Jiminy?!?

Nope. 

I did consider these mints, though.

However, the timing is all wrong. You are far too young for Retiremints; and let's face it, Atonemints are more properly offered at Yom Kippur.

I hope you had a happy seventh day of Chanukah!

 ______________

*At least, I HOPE cat butt gum is just regular gum with a label saying cat butt!

**I know this because when I was substitute teaching, I taught a science class to fourth graders about eating bugs. "BUG BITES. Earth Science News for kids in Scholastic News."

5779: On the sixth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Welcome to the sixth day of Chanukah!

What's on the not-giving agenda for today?

Some of you may know that my DSIL and DD* are now homeowners. New homeowners, and long-time homeowners, are sometimes tempted to "Do-It-Yourself". DIY. Just YouTube that pesky project or troublesome task and GET 'ER DONE!

I applaud this. I truly do, not withstanding that I have, over the course of my nearly 30 years of homeownership, accumulated a motley mix of epic fails at DIY and smart-move outsourcing (because I like being married to my husband, I will cheerfully pay for SOMEONE ELSE to install ceramic tile).

So, I leave these decisions to you- DIY or DDIY**.

However, be cautious. Don't get hurt crawling under plumbing or reaching the unreachable light (I have one of those unreachable lights. It is an eternal mystery how the bulb will ever be changed).

Because if you hurt yourself, you might need traction. And I am not buying you this:

WHAT IN ALL THAT IS HOLY HANUKAH*** IS THIS?

This, my friends, is a portable spinal traction device. Why bother with doctors, hospitals, and all that red tape and white gauze? You can DIY spinal traction.

You can "Relieve Back Pain with Daily Use." Just three easy steps: 1. Lie Down. 2. Bend Your Knees. 3. Push.

I profess myself a skeptic.  I have used those three steps multiple times for various activities, but not for DIY spinal traction. I'm not starting now.

And neither are you.

Not to mention, this was an offering at the GROCERY STORE. Not the supermarket where they sell tangerines and tires, but the straight-up GROCERY STORE. #notgroceries

Not buying it.

Guess what else I'm not buying you?

 

Do It Yourself Dentistry? Oh, no.

Not buying it.

Why?

Is it safe? No.
No, it's not.

______________________________




*Dear Daughter, natch.

** Don't Do It Yourself, of course.

*** Actually, Hanukah is not the "holiest" of holidays, but  "What in the Jumpin' Jewish Traditions" didn't have the same ring to it.

5779: On the fifth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Welcome to the fifth day! We are already more than half-past Hanukah!

How time flies! It's mind blowing!

Speaking of mind blowing ... here's what I'm not getting you:

It's an emergency brain! Just inflate!

It's true, I've had more than one occasion that another brain might have helped me out. But honestly, with the news today, my mind is blown regularly.

I figure it's the same with you.

I don't need another mind-blowing experience.

Besides, how much help would this emergency brain truly be? Clearly, it's an airhead.

Food for thought:

(These are gummy brains. Chew on that for a while.)

5779: On the fourth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

On the fourth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Well, strictly speaking, on the fourth night of Chanukah, I didn't not-buy you anything. I was busy... but, fortunately for all of us, all Jewish holidays begin at sundown and then continue through the next day until sundown. So, I'm still on time! AND today is THURSDAY, so we can do a little Throwback Thursday action.

For instance, remember when I didn't give you this:

 

You can read all about WHY I didn't give it to you HERE 

There were a few reasons, including NOT WANTING YOU TO BE DEVOURED, which is in part while I am not giving you this one this year:

I must confess that with this particular photo, I am not sure if the dragon is eating the child, or regurgitating the child*.

Also, I am charmed at the specificity of the GREEN dragon. Also a MAGICAL character.  To differentiate between this and the GRAY shark, which is an UNDERWATER character.

Continuing to THROW BACK** on this Thursday, remember all those times I didn't buy you drinking accessories? For instance, when I didn't give you the BOOT? When I didn't give a chill option to get HAMMERED?

 When I didn't get you what you FLASKED for***?

So, perhaps we should sober up****. Therefore, I will not give you:

This is SOBERDOUGH. According to the website,

Home baked bread --- Just add beer --- No Baking skills needed!

 Okay, I added the emphasis. That exclamation point is all me!

Why didn't I buy this for you? Several reasons:

1. The DOUGH gets to drink, but you don't? Unfair! 

2. This implies that you have no baking skills. I would never suggest such a thing.

3. This display was an impulse-buy display at the check out counter of the HARDWARE STORE. Who shops for fine cuisine at the hardware store? Who impulsively bakes?*****

So no, didn't buy this.

One last TBT gem:

Remember when I didn't buy you POO-POURI? When I didn't buy you the SQUATTY POTTY? 

LOOK what I found on recent shopping trips!

AND

The POO-POURI gift sets were in the aforementioned hardware store near the Soberdough (another reason not to buy SOBERDOUGH-- just saying!). The SQUATTY POTTY stack was at Costco! (I think Costco. Maybe Meijer?)

I'm NOT not-giving you either of these to you this year; that would be redundant. I'm just including them to show you how trend-setting we are! Our not-giving gifts are mainstream these days!

So, happy Thursday and happy fourth day of Chanukah!

Talk to you soon!
__________________________________


*Are dragons like owls? Pellet-puke instead of poop? Although, I am pretty sure that dragon fewmets are poop.

** THROW BACK! Get it? See what I did there?

*** Not apologizing. Nope.You can take it. You have BALLS OF STEEL. 

**** Or maybe not. It's the holidays! Eat, drink, and so on!

***** Okay, forget that last one. I have been known to impulsively bake.

5779: On the third night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

It's late. The candles have burned low and finally gone out on this, the third night of Chanukah.

A good thing, too. You wouldn't want an open flame around the gift I'm not giving you tonight.

This is a fart bank.  Or, more accurately, a farting fanny bank.

Here is the bank in the box:

It says: Drop some loot & hear me toot.

Clever, eh? It's a gas!

That may be so. Butt I think it stinks.

First of all, it's plastic. But it doesn't accept credit cards. Seems contradictory.

Then, it requires batteries. Not included. Not good.

Finally, flatulence is a fickle fiscal foundation.

So there. 

5779: On the second night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you:

The sun has set, and so we light the candles for the second night of Chanukah.

There is something of a tradition for night number two.

For instance, last year 5778, there was this festive fecal reindeer.

In 5775*, we considered shittens and subtle butt gifts.

In 5774, even though the post was for nights one through four, it was really all number two.

In 5773, back when it all began, night number two (heh - heh) started this tradition.

You can guess where I'm going** with this, right?

So this year, I am not giving you this:

 "One of the amazing things poop can do is create beautiful white sandy beaches."  Did you know that? I did not know that. Apparently, it's true. Because SCIENCE***.

This book is one in a series of the POWER of POOP. Other books in the series include:

And more:

Also: 

(This is actually a thing: Check out the power of poop here. However, this site, even though it is SCIENCE, makes me nervous, because it has a Do It Yourself instructions link, right under "Is Fecal Transplant for You?" DO IT YOURSELF???)

Then there is this:

 


This is actually something I could get BEHIND****. 

POOP CAN SAVE THE WORLD! Check out the VIDEO 

Finally, the book series (and perhaps the world) ends with this:

I'm not sure I want to know.

Anyway, as useful, educational, and world-saving as this is, I did not get you the Sand-Beaches-with-Poop book.

WHY, you may ask.

Is it because you don't have lake front property? No, that's not it-- you are close to Lake Michigan, AND a splash pool park, so where there's water, there can be beaches, yes?

Is it because I fear fecal fish? No, 'fraid not.

Is it because I don't believe in the power of poop? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? In this season of miracles, I BELIEVE!

No, it's just that-- this book is available at your local library -- YOUR library, DSIL :-) 

That's where I took the picture. 

SO, check it out!

 
Now I'm going to go light the candles.
If it's safe to light a match.



* I don't know why we missed the tradition in 5776 and 5777 -- but if you noticed, what is the number of years we missed? That's right, number TWO!

** GOING, get it?

*** No, really, SCIENCE. Nova even has a website on GROSS SCIENCE about the power of poop.  And also on how pee can change the world.

**** BEHIND, get it??

5779: On the first night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Hi, friends. I bet you are wondering what I did NOT buy for my DSIL* this season.

I give you (actually, I do NOT give you) the light up holiday 3 piece suit:

It comes in a variety of colors:

 

Oh, yes it does!

Pretty snazzy, right? Here is the manufacturer's description:


"Each suit is made with durable, comfortable polyester fabric that includes a flexible waistband for added comfort. It comes with 20 LED lights that you can turn off/on."

How about that! It's durable! It's comfortable! It has a flexible waistband (a nice option for these feastivals, I can tell you)! Wearing this, you can GET LIT!

So WHY, you may ask, did I NOT buy this for you.

1. Cultural reasons. Tonight is the first night of Chanukah. It's Chanukah not-giving. You can say "Holiday Suit" until you are red (and green) in the face, but this is clearly a Christmas Holiday suit.

2.  Ecological reasons. BATTERIES IN YOUR CLOTHES??

3. Kindness to your other clothes reasons: I wouldn't want this to overshadow my DSIL's pineapple suit, which he does own and does wear:

4. Redundancy issues: I am not 100% certain my DSIL doesn't already own, or hasn't at least WORN, one of these suits. The half-face on this model looks suspiciously familiar, especially as posing in suit #3 of 4!


Enjoy the holiday! May you be among those who bring light in the darkness!


*DSIL = Dear Son-In-Law, for whom I have started and continued this tradition.

Countdown to Chanuka!

SUNDAY NIGHT is the first night of Chanuka 5779*! I am already getting ready for my annual blog on the gifts that I am NOT getting for my DSIL (Dear Son-In-Law). Even though this tradition started for my DSIL (at that time, in 5773**, he was my DDSO***), YOU, dear reader, are welcome to not-receive these same gifts! Stay tuned!

*2018 Gregorian
**2012 Gregorian
*** Dear Daughter's Significant Other

These are my people

These are my people. I must speak up.

Today, a white male went in to a synagogue in Pittsburgh and shouted “All Jews must die!” and started killing people. My people.

Three days ago, a white male opened fire at a grocery store in Louisville, and killed two African-Americans. My people.

Last week, a white male was arrested as a suspect in sending more than a dozen bombs targeting people and organizations perceived as “liberals.” My people.

The transwomen and transmen who are beaten or murdered in increasing numbers are scarcely making headlines. These are my people.

Young African-American women are disappearing with barely a mention in the media. These are my people.

The women who are speaking out and speaking up about the sexual harassment, abuse, and violence that they have survived, these are my people.

I am an American, and I have to accept that not only are these victims and these survivors my people, but their attackers, their murderers, are Americans.

My people.  

I love my country. I believe passionately in the ideals on which my country is founded: the ideals of liberty and justice for all. The belief that ALL are created equal. The reality that we are a nation of immigrants and that our strength, vigor, and creativity are rooted in our diversity.

I am sorrowed and enraged to acknowledge that we are failing to live up to these ideals. I am afraid that we are living in a culture that is filled with hate and fear. We are all participants in this society. We have somehow allowed hate and fear to flourish in our country. We have a responsibility to take action to change this horrific climate of hatred.

I have to do more to stand against that hate and fear. I have to do more to speak for the ideals and the values that I believe in—American values.

These are all my people. We are all in danger if any one of us is in danger. 

Speak out against the rising tide of hate. Speak up for your family, your friends, your neighbors, and for those you do not yet know, who are different from you in many ways.

Who are still your people.

#thesearemypeople