Glimmers and shadows

 I have to remember to count the good as well as the bad. I have to build on the good and resist the bad.

I had close to a breakdown yesterday.

I went to the dentist- They take my blood pressure with the wrist cuff, and it is always high. It was high this time too, so high that they took it again and it was lower but still high. 

When I go to my regular doctor, she doesn't get worried, she says the wrist cuffs are inaccurate and so are the arm cuffs, in her opinion. She takes my blood pressure with her wrist watch and fingers after I calm down, and then it's good.

I may need to schedule an appointment with her though to check in.

That put me in a mood, though, so I didn't get as much done as I wanted and sort of crashed on my bed for a while. 

Then I had a long phone call from my cousin, with challenging news from her end of the world. Her granddaughter's adoption is likely to fall through, and I think my cousin was hoping I would volunteer to adopt the child. 

I cannot. I simply cannot. 

Then I saw numerous postings about Nazis- actual Nazis- protesting outside a production of Diary of Anne Frank only a few communities away from me.

Nazis.

Shift to noting some good.

My brother, his wife, my sister, her sons and one of their wives all came over to my house on Sunday and moved a lot of the big stuff out of my house so that I can sell or donate or give it away. This is stuff that I simply couldn't move myself: two heavy couches, a ping pong table, heavy oak end tables. It feels like progress.

They also took various items that they could use and enjoy, which also lightens the load.

On another day, moving furniture around, I had to disassemble my internet/tv set up- and I reassembled it again and it all works!

I found a remote control that has been missing for a year.

I have friends coming this afternoon to help with some of the cleaning/ packing.

I've made progress in grading my students' work and should be caught up tonight.

Yesterday, I found out it was National Sundae Day in time to have a sundae.

I bought a house today

Today was the closing on my new house-soon-to-be home. I have a lot of downsizing to do in the next 30 days so that I can move in. 

I hope to have my current house ready to list in the next two weeks! I need all hands on deck- will be calling out to friends and family to help.

In another post, I will catalog all that needs to be done to get my current house ready for market. It's overwhelming- 35 years and the accumulated stuff of six people's lives. Yes, the kids have taken most of their things - but some remnants are uncovered as I dig through drawers and closets. 

More on that another time. 

I've just spent a bit of time organizing my planned budget for 2025. Some areas are just best-guess, other areas are fairly easy to predict.

As if anything is easy to predict.

Income and Expenses

My income will probably be a bit less. I'm working on ways to improve that. That is one of the areas that is getting my imagination going- what will give my life purpose, meaning- and income! If you follow my postings here, you know that I teach university classes online currently. I hope to continue doing that for a couple more years. If it stays a good fit. Still, I'd like to expand my options.

My sister thinks we should do a podcast. We share a passion for saving the planet while being more frugal. She is a reseller of vintage fashions that she finds at thrift shops and yard sales. I am a researcher of sustainably packaged and responsibly produced goods: for instance, right now I'm using a subscription for Dropps * for my laundry and dishwasher soap, and Who Gives a Crap * for my TP and paper towels and tissues.

Some of my friends and family sell their plasma. This includes some who are full time teachers in public schools. 

They need the money.

Some other friends and family work online teaching English as a second language to students all around the world. They seem to enjoy it, and as something supplemental I might like that.

I've enjoyed selling some of the jewelry and other items that I've inherited, usually using eBay. I don't know if I'm ready to intentionally buy things to then resell. Maybe. We'll see.

I would like to do more writing than just this blog. Having a professional writer in the family, though, I know that writing is no easy meal ticket!

What other things might you imagine me (or you!) doing that would bring a sense of purpose, some enjoyment, and a bit of cash?

For my expenses, I'm trying to downsize those as much as I can as I try to increase my income. 

My monthly house expense (mortgage/HOA) will go down. So will my annual homeowners insurance.

My property taxes will go up.

My use of gas should go down, although I don't know how much of a savings that will be, since as my miles driven go down, the price of gas goes up. Still, I believe that living in a city within walking distance of several attractions and with an accessible bus route means that I will save some money in the near term.

I'm hoping my energy costs in general will go down with a smaller house. Again, it's hard to predict. I'm good at being frugal already.

The other part of this planning is planning ahead. When will I need a new computer? A new phone? A new car? What personal care should I look into- regular massage, or a hair styling once in a while?

Who shall I become? Looking at concrete items and specific numbers is helping me to look for a future me.

*Product placement links for your curiosity- no remuneration to me!

Dark day Nov 6 2024

 I am not doing well. I am heart sick, and nauseous. 

I am going to allow myself to feel these feelings.

I am going to drink coffee, and take care of my physical self.

I will keep on working for justice, for peace, and for the health of the planet. 

Even if I am discouraged and disheartened, I will keep moving. 

What other choice is there? 

So I will keep my appointments, grade my papers, check in with those I love.

One day at a time. 

Two steps forward, one step back

 

I'm getting productive- or trying to become more productive. I had a productive day yesterday: 

I caught up with grading for my class.

I made appointments: two medical appointments, two insurance appointments, car care appointment, legal appointment, home care appointment, and an appointment THAT AFTERNOON for tree clearing in my yard.

Understand: all these appointments required PHONE CALLS, which I detest.

I got all the documentation arranged for an upcoming BIG PURCHASE.

I was feeling pretty pleased with myself.

The tree clearing was supposed to happen yesterday afternoon. When the guys hadn't showed up by 5:00, I was getting worried. Sundown is happening earlier, you know?

Ultimately, they didn't show, the sun went down, and I texted them we'd have to reschedule for Monday or Tuesday, since today (Thursday) and tomorrow I was booked out of the house a lot.

So I was disappointed- this tree clearing is weighing me down, and I really wanted it DONE already!

So as I am returning from my early morning appointment, I get a text that the tree guy is on his way!

I texted back, when will you be here? Because I have to leave by noon!

He texted, 5 minutes.

He came. He assured me he could get it all cleared before I had to leave.

He's cutting now.

I'm about to jump online for a scheduled meeting with a student. Then head out the door to Ann Arbor for an oil change and checking in with grandkids for Halloween!

Hoping that all times out well!

*UPDATE: All timed out well. Plus, Tree Guy bought 2 items I was about to post to Facebook Marketplace and took them with him!

Full moon musical

I was having trouble sleeping last night. I got up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water. There was a full moon, and the moonlight was pouring in through the sliding glass door to my deck.

I stepped out on the deck to see the full moon. It was beautiful; hiding in the trees. I never have any success in photographing the moon. I didn't even try- just enjoyed the peaceful moment and the beauty.

Then I heard a yip, then a howl. It took me a moment to get my phone recording- but this is the chorus I heard:

Coyote Chorus

I am trying to upload the video here. I missed the first solo howl, that came from the southeast. The clip above has the choral part of the coyote cantata. I heard later, and I'm not sure you can hear it in the video, a solo howl from the west- that was later answered by the original coyote chorus.

At least, I think it was the original chorus. It was from the same general area, with the same general volume.

I think. My hearing and placing what I hear in the right physical area is not what it once was!

I will miss this. I like seeing the deer (when I'm not driving) and the turkeys meandering through the fields or across the road. I loved the time a charm of finches arose in my backyard, startled from their feasting on thistle down.

Yesterday, a hawk circled and circled around the pond or marsh that is beyond my fenced in yard. It was so close.

I love the birds around the bird feeder in winter. I love the hummingbirds around flowers in summer. 

I looked at a house today, a condominium that could possibly be it. It's closer to all my kids. Closer by an hour to the kids in Illinois and the kid in South Carolina. Closer by almost an hour to the kid in Michigan- which means it's two minutes away instead of 60! I am asking my child to ask their partner if it would be okay for me to be that close. I don't want to crowd anyone.

It's town living, not country living. It's a big change. Human neighbors sharing walls and common green space. Fewer four footed neighbors serenading me at midnight.

I want community. I also want agency. I want natural beauty, and I also want some order. 

I don't know what the future holds. I don't even know who I will be. 

I've posted a fair amount in the past year or so, much of it navigating my grief at the death of my beloved.

I want to begin to post about my life, going forward. 

These are, again, meandering thoughts. Maybe I will come back and revise. Maybe I will delete entirely.

For now I will publish- partly to see if the video worked!

Change is gonna come

 I am beyond stressed. With my work for Byzantine U, my prep for the High Holidays, my need to declutter and repair and clean and paint my house to sell, my need to find a new house home, my need to care for my family and friends, my worries about the looming election and the national and world events- I am beyond stressed.

Something must change. Change will come, is coming. Some of the change I can choose, direct, guide, and some I cannot. 

I am sometimes having difficulty knowing which changes I can direct, and which changes are outside of my control.

I know that I need changes in my life. I feel stalled. What used to bring me joy finds me indifferent now. Most of my life is flat and stale.

Maybe I need a complete change of direction, purpose, career, focus. 

I could become a cycologist, right? 

I have been an actor, director, producer, educator, waitress, program coordinator, journalist. I've been on so many boards as president, VP, chair, secretary, and more. 

I know I'm good at my work as an educator, and I enjoy working with my students- but I have to force myself to make the connections, do the grading, post the assignments.

I'm good at organizing programs and designing and coordinating events- but here too I find I lack interest, initiative, motivation.

I am stalled. Not drifting, exactly- I'm still getting the necessary tasks done, although at the 11th hour and the 59th minute.

Gotta love deadlines.

Tonight is Kol Nidre, the evening that we enter into the Day of Atonement. The Kol Nidre prayer itself is a petition to the Eternal to be excused from oaths that were made under duress, obligations that we took on or promises that we made against our heart's desire or our own truth.

We ask that, as the New Year begins, we can enter freely to a future that is not controlled by our past.

My past has influenced me, and much of that is good. However I cannot stay in the past; I have to move forward.

May this New Year have tender and sustaining memories of the good of the past- and also beginnings and discoveries.

I am a different person now. 

My clock

 

This is my clock. It's one of the clocks my mom had. She collected old clocks- or clocks made to look old! This one actually is old. Here's the back panel.

You can see the 1928 date. The fainter date seems to be 1940, and would be a later repair.

This is a wind up clock. I'm not sure how often it should be wound. Daily seems too often, and once a week usually means that the clock starts to lose a minute a day. Sometimes it loses more than a minute a day. Sometimes it springs ahead. Usually it's within a minute or two.

The clock has a single chime on the half hour. It chimes on the hour, too, but I don't know that I have ever heard it chime the correct number of chimes for the hour. I've heard it bong more than 24 times! I've heard it bong four careful chimes for 11:00!

I'd like to take it in for examination and repair. Maybe.

At the same time, I'm not sure I should. It's working, in its own way, with its eccentricities. It's quirky, not all together accurate. I worry that if I open it up for repair, it could stop working entirely.

We had another wind up clock, a wall clock that Ken and I received as a wedding gift. For more than 30 years, the clock worked beautifully. We wound it about once a month, and it kept accurate time. The chimes sounded at the correct time, with the correct number of chimes.

 

Then it slowed and finally stopped. We took it in to be repaired. The jeweler said the works could not be repaired, but could be replaced with battery powered works. It would keep accurate time again.

We would lose the chimes, though. 

It would look the same even though everything on the inside was changed.

We had the clock repaired and for another decade the clock kept time. The clock is in my car now, waiting for me to take it to the jewelers to have the battery replaced.

I will replace the battery. I still love the clock, even if it is different on the inside. 

But my new favorite may be the antique clock with eccentric timing and chiming.

Learning from loss: The first half of the 2020s.

Paging through this blog, I found the draft of the post I started about my mom's death, in October of 2021.

Since that time, two close friends from our temple family died- one expected (RG, octogenarian), the other a shock (mid 60s). 

My dad's brother-in-law died in April 2023.

My aunt died in April 2023. 

Ken died in October of 2023.

A year before my mom's death, my dad had a stroke. His recovery was amazing: no cognitive loss, no speech loss. He wasn't able to drive anymore- his navigational sense was gone. In the years after his stroke, he has gradually lost strength and mobility.

At this moment, my dad is not doing well; he has pulmonary fibrosis. This will be what ends his life, almost certainly: in months or maybe a year or two. 

Another friend has been diagnosed with an invasive breast cancer.

There is war in Europe, war in the Mideast.

We have not recovered from the pandemic. 

The recovery efforts from Hurricane Helene are ongoing- or suspended in some areas, as Hurricane Milton approaches.

The 2020s have not been kind thus far; I pray that personally and globally we are able to mourn, let go, and find some positive paths forward. 

There has been joy, too; I am hoping to visit joyful memories and plans soon. Today, though, I found this post.

My mother died on Monday, October 4, 2021.  She died on the 11th anniversary of my daughter's miraculous survival of a terrifying accident.

Death is both expected and unexpected. My mom had been in declining health for some time. Yet she had rallied so many times from so many close calls that we almost expected another recovery. She had breast cancer in 2005. A heart attack, complicated by an allergic reaction and renal failure, in 2010. She was in the hospital every other month in 2011 with spinal surgeries, pulmonary embolism, pneumonia. She had a partial hip replacement.

The Covid pandemic was hard on everyone; my mom had to deal with radiation and chemo treatment for lung cancer in the summer of 2021. 

Every illness and its treatment, every surgery and recovery, was harder than the last. There were so many losses. Mom lost her ability to drive. She lost mobility. She lost so much agency- she lived sometimes with me, sometimes with my sister. 

She was bitter, often, and angry at the cards she'd been dealt. 

I can't really blame her; how could I? Her losses were undeniable. 

I'm trying to learn from my mom, learn from my dad, learn from my dad's wife. How do we move forward from these losses and find satisfaction in later life?

I compare my mom's aging with my dad's aging. Until my dad had his stroke, he and his wife DE were active- physically, socially. They had friends and outings and made regular trips to the library.

It was different with my mom. Once she stopped driving, and even more when she moved out of My mom didn't want to go anywhere. She didn't want to see anyone- her social circle grew smaller and smaller.

She just wanted me, or my sister, to hang out with her, or take her places. Not my brother as much- she didn't want to "impose" on him.

She was angry at her failing body. She was saying "NO" to any suggestion that might make life more enjoyable. Join a book club! Go to senior center for lunch! Pick up a hobby! Visit a friend!

No, no, no.

Partly it was vanity. She didn't want anyone seeing her "like this." She would refuse to use her walker or cane going in to the doctor's office, using my arm instead.

Until she had to use a wheelchair.

My mom was angry and bitter and, in my view, didn't take advantage of the opportunities she did have. She had friends, she was close to a senior center and could make more friends! 

I try not to judge. I don't know what her pain level was, or how much she worried about falling, getting bumped by kids or others in crowded spaces.

I do think about what *I* would want for myself in that situation. I try to see what the difference is between my mom and my dad.

Until this past year, my dad was positive and kept as active as he could, post stroke. Even now, with his mobility severely compromised, he doesn't complain much. You can see on his face his grief about his current limitations, his dependence on others; yet he expresses gratitude.

His hearing loss is profound, and it is harder now for him to stay engaged. He's ready to let go, I think. I am not ready for this; selfishly, I hope he will hang on for a while longer.

I'm writing around and around what I want to say.

One difference between my mom and dad is that my dad has an active and positive partner. His wife DE remains upbeat and keeps moving forward.

I had that, until Ken died.

I'm trying to learn from my parents, from the world. 

I want to stay active. I want to do my part to heal the world, and heal myself. I want to be able to acknowledge that I can only do what I can do, and be at peace that I am doing my part, and my part is not all the healing that is needed, it is not all the work that is needed.

There are others to do the work, too; or not. 

I can only do my part.

I am also trying to keep my social network strong. My mom's world shrank to needy dependence on her kids. I don't want that for my kids and I don't want that for myself.

Maybe I will return to this and make it more coherent. Maybe as we move into a new year- we are now in the first week of the Jewish New Year of 5785- I will find a clearer path forward.

For now, I will try to stay open to what new possibilities there are. I will try to say "Yes, and" to life, rather than "No, but."

Missing you

 

I missed you today.

(I miss you every day. I miss you every night.)

I was putting on the pearl necklace you gave me. It's difficult to do those clasps by yourself.

I remember you helping put on my necklace, gentle fingers lifting my hair, finding the clasp, fastening.

The feel of your breath on my neck, your lips grazing the nape of my neck, a surprise kiss as the necklace is fastened.

I miss you.

Broken glass

 

I broke a glass yesterday. Yesterday was the first anniversary of Ken's death.

I remember as we prepared for our wedding, Ken was looking for the perfect glass.

You see, he wanted a real glass, not a light bulb (that's cheating!), to smash under his heel in the traditional way at the conclusion of our Jewish wedding ceremony.

At a Jewish wedding, a glass is wrapped in a napkin, and the groom steps on it to break it into pieces at the conclusion of the service. Many theories are proposed to explain why we do this: to remind us of the fragility of life; to remind us that even in our joy, we should remember the sorrows of our past, and commit to a life of rebuilding.

Who knows why? As Tevye says, It's tradition!

At some weddings, a light bulb has been substituted. A light bulb is easy to smash!

But no light bulb for our wedding! Ken was searching for a glass. He wanted a real glass, but a fragile glass that would definitely crush. He'd been to a wedding, he said, where the groom had several tries and had a real hard time crushing the glass.

We finally found a lovely, delicate glass. I can't remember where- maybe Crate & Barrel? 

It was wrapped in a white linen napkin, and at the end of our service, Ken stomped, the glass shattered, and the shul erupted in joyous cries of Mazel tov!

I broke a glass yesterday. In the dishwasher, it was stacked under a plastic colander and somehow when I was opening the dishwasher, something stuck or jammed and I heard the sound of glass breaking.

So fragile.

The fragility of life.

Sorrow amidst so much joy. A life to be rebuilt. Memory.

It was the first anniversary of your death.

I broke a glass.

Birthdays and crises and panic attacks

 I think I am having a panic attack. I am having trouble breathing and my anxiety is soaring and I want to cry, I want to run, I feel like I can't move, I feel like I might throw up.

I'm writing to sort through it, to find a way to breathe, to sort out all the many triggers and let them rest, try to let them go.

The trigger, without a doubt, is that I sent an email to my kids with a proposed date for the unveiling of Ken's gravestone. 

I'm terrified that the date won't work for one or another and I will hurt feelings and cause problems. I can't breathe.

There is so much pressing, pressing, pressing on me. Good, bad, indifferent, it is all too much and I cannot hold up, I fear.

So many people that I feel I should be helping. 

My dad is not doing well. He literally cannot catch his breath; there is scarring in his lungs and the damage is accelerating and in months or possibly (not likely) years, this will almost certainly be what ends his life. 

I'm not ready. Selfishly, I want him to hold on. 

I feel the pull to be there to help him, and his wife DE. I go when I can; I feel it's not enough.

Another family member will need surgery, will need my help.

A friend has had surgery, could definitely use some help. Another friend is going through major life changes, I feel that I should be more help. Another friend is hurting, I feel I should do more.

I want- need! - to see my grandchildren.

I have several responsibilities at my place of worship- I need to meet with the soloist, I need to meet with the committee, I need to line up service leaders.

I have signed a contract to teach at Byzantine U- once again, a class brand new to me that I have never taught before and therefore must create ex nihilio.

I need to review all the different accounts I have, so that when I go to a meeting this week with a financial advisor I can ask intelligent questions and understand my financial situation, so I can plan a path forward from here.

I need to tidy the house, so that I can schedule a house cleaner. I need to clear out my house, so that I can get it ready to sell, so I can be ready to move. 

I need to find another house. I need to find a vision of what home might be. 

My dog threw up this morning.

My car needs an oil change- how can my car need an oil change? It just had an oil change!

I'm sure I'm forgetting something.

That's just my personal life. Then my nation and my world are in crisis, in flames, chaos, a dumpster fire. 

It is so hard to stay centered in this moment: in this moment, I have enough, and I could be at peace if I were to be just in this moment and no other, for at least one moment.

In my last post, I wrote about the challenges of Father's Day, and family gatherings- especially the 4th of July, a long tradition in my family that was so much harder than I thought it would be- and I thought it would be hard. I found that I spent a day and a half, almost paralyzed, recovering. 

I wrote that post on the eve of my birthday.

My birthday was hard and also sweet. My friend SR came in from North Carolina, and we did a three day trip. We didn't stick to our original plan- in part because my schedule is so uncertain now, considering my dad's health. We had originally planned a trip to Mackinac Island. Instead we went north to Frankenmuth for a nostalgic chicken dinner and found a new wine bar (on Wine Wednesday! Half off!). Then we went west. We found some nice restaurants and visited the Frederik Meijer Sculpture Garden.

We came home, spent the night, went to brunch. SR went to family commitments; I went to some of mine, including an unplanned trip to my dad's. We will get together again in the next week, clear out a closet, empty a drawer...

I nibble at the edges of the things that must be done, never ahead, always behind, hopefully not too far behind, hopefully a last-minute 11th hour sprint will see me through- on whichever crisis is the most urgent- in the moment.

Navigating my grief: 9 months in- now 10 months-

For a while, I was cruising along. Getting things done. Reconnecting with friends. Now...

The holiday of Shavuot began on June 11, Tuesday, and our Temple observed the holiday on Friday night with a dairy dinner followed by the service. I was anxious about the food, and we also had no staff that night, so I did essentially all the set up, and then I and CR and MS and MB and maybe some others helped clear. It was a long day but all went off fairly well. 

Father's Day was that Sunday, June 16. I went with son JE and his kids to a Toledo Mud Hens game. Ken would have loved it. 

My own dad was en route back to Michigan from his and his spouse DE's winter digs in Alabama. DE's son RF and his spouse picked Dad and DE up from Alabama and brought them as far as Tennessee, and then my brother flew to Tennessee to pick them up and drive them in their car to Northern Michigan. I then drove, with my dog Princess, to say hi to Dad and DE, spend the night, and bring my brother back down state.

My dad isn't doing well. He is short of breath on any exertion. We did manage to go to the casino- a favorite past time of theirs- and when Dad sat on his walker (the four wheeled kind) we could push him to where he wanted to go. That worked out well enough.

I was home for a short time, then my friend CR watched my dog and and son JE's dog at my house while I went to Camp Michigania  with  JE and his family. I did all the things- horseback riding, archery, riflery, crafts, swimming, yoga, meditation, and attending guest lecturers. I especially enjoyed the Anishinaabe speaker.

Then home on June 29th, and a visit at my brother's house on the 30th, as his son BE was in from Japan with his spouse and their 21 month old identical twins. My sons AJ and JE, and JE's son JD, also joined to visit.

Since AJ was in from Chicago, we also went to visit our friend KD, back from a North Carolina hospital from having a dislocated hip while she was attending a family event.

Then after one day home, I was off again to the North country for our family's traditional gathering on the 4th of July. While there were many great moments, all in all this was extremely hard. I was missing Ken so much. My dad's condition is serious and was evident- he'd seen his doctor, and it turns out he has scarring in his lungs that cannot really be treated, won't get better, and maybe in 2 months, or maybe in 5 years, this will almost certainly be what ends his life.

I came home Monday, the 8th of July. I waited until I'd made sure my dad had lunch, as DE had errands and then Mah Jong, and then I headed home for the 3 1/2 hour drive.

I still haven't recovered. I am despondent. It is so hard to find hope. I have so many things to do, but feel no desire to do any of them. 

Monday my sister took me out for my birthday once I got home from up North. 

I took today off, more or less. I did a few things: finished unpacking, made an appointment for my dog to go in the kennel (my friend SR is coming in for my birthday and we will plan an overnight adventure or two), balanced the check books. It is taking a tremendous amount of effort to just make myself make a LIST of what I should do.

I wasted some time on Facebook, too. I'm wondering what's up/ has been up with Byzantine U. I've been remote, and I am glad of it. I've seen a couple of posts from students / grads of Byz U commenting about a need to get together and process what they went through (more than just Covid, it seems) and then today I saw a post from a past (guest) faculty member saying: Faculty, BELIEVE your students when they tell you the harm your theatre program has done to them...

So cryptic.

Anyway...

I am despondent. Part of it is I feel like I should be helping at least three of my friends, at least three of my relatives, and I am feeling like I am letting them all down because I have no emotional reserves of my own. 

Part of it is the world and the nation: climate crisis and rise of fascism.

It is hard to stay centered in doing my part, as best I can, and releasing the anxiety- knowing that the best I can do is the best I can do, by definition. 

I miss Ken.

Work: Third U and Byzantine U

 Adventures in Academia.

If you have been following my travails, you will recall that I have been ghosted by the Chairs/ Department heads at both Byzantine U (where I have taught for about 20 years, including my teaching fellowship on the way to my PhD) and Third U (where I have taught for at least 3 years). 

I emailed the (interim) department head of Third U one more time. I set the deadline of May 25, stating that if I hadn't heard from them, I would assume that there was no work for me there. I am part time faculty, without a union at that institution, so my work is only by the semester. Still, not having had word for months after multiple emails is frustrating.

May 25 came and went, and I never received an email. I kept checking my Third U email (I have a different email address at each institution), and eventually I noticed an email welcome and greeting from the new head of the department to the entire department (not to me specifically). This new head, of course, won't know me or anything about me.

Hmmm... still mad at the previous interim head for ghosting me, but I'm guessing he was relieved to be relieved, so to speak.

TOTALLY unprofessional behavior, nonetheless.

For Byzantine U, it's harder because I have a contract, and there is a Union, and the Interim Chair, if not the department, has pretty much ignored the contract. So I wrote to the Union Rep, as briefly as possible, reminding them of my situation and updating them that it's still crickets from the Chair. 

I heard back from the Union Rep, and they said that there's not much to do- but I should proceed with another email, this time cc:ing the Union Rep, and NOTING that I have cc:d the Union Rep, and stating  something like "According to our contract, when I return from a Leave of Absence, my course assignment rights are supposed to be unchanged. The union, which is CC'ed on this email, can confirm that fact." They recommended I give him a response deadline, and then follow up with the dean if I still didn't hear anything.  

So I did this. 

Funny thing, when I mentioned the Union Rep was also on the email, I heard back in about an hour! The interim chair wrote:  (excuses excuses) and I'll get back to you by June 1 (coincidentally the deadline I had given). And he did - half way through June 1, he emailed:

For Fall 24, we are going to utilize you in the [grad class I have never taught before].

UTILIZE! So, again a new class that I haven't ever taught before. *sigh* I will teach that one, and hopefully a spring one, and then I think I'm done.

I'm clearly not valued here.

At least, by administration. During this time, at least three different students, from different eras of my teaching, have reached out to say how outstanding I am, how much they learned from me, how much they valued me.

But, hey, they're "just students," so what does that matter?

95th Anniversary Event Part 2

 On May 19, a Sunday, the temple celebrated 95 (and more) years since its founding. After the Friday night dinner and Shabbat service, our Sunday celebration was more informal and fun. Char had worked hard on a narrative history accompanied by songs from the decades of TBE's existence. There was a slide show with slides of world events as well as temple events.

I was singing the Andrew's Sisters 1930s version of Bei Mir Bist du Shoen and the 1980s Burt Bacharach That's What Friends Are For a la Dionne Warwick. 

I was super nervous.

All in all, the event went well - but it was running long, and all of the singers had songs cut, so I did not sing That's What Friends Are For. 

Then we had ice cream and cake and punch.

Then our same team that did the clean up post-Friday night cleaned up again.

My friend, and the chair of the 95th committee, asked if I wanted to go out after clean up for a glass of wine. So we did.

It was good to take a moment to relax. The event was a lot of work, over a long time, and in the end it was a success. 

May 17- Updates on Stressors and The 95th Anniversary Event Part 1.

 This was a long day that accomplished much. A lot of stress, but on balance a good day.

The day before, Thursday, I called my brother CE in case he was available. I described the water problem. He said it should be a relatively easy fix, and one that he could do for me. He said he'd come over the next morning, Friday May 17.

Whew.

On Thursday also I worked my fanny off with other committee members for our big-deal 95th+ celebration: table cloths, table settings, storing excess coat racks and whiteboards, making things ready for a banquet and special worship service. LOTS of steps, exercise, work.

We worked extra hard, because as I noted in a previous post, I had learned that Ken's close friend JH was in the hospital, so his wife KH wasn't available to help as planned. AND, once I was at temple to start working, we learned that SH, who was also going to help, was not available because her mom was in the hospital...

So.

Friday.

My brother came early. I had coffee ready. We went downstairs. He said, yep, this is fixable, I can do it. Then he showed me where the bypass was and turned the valves and voilà I had running water! Hard water, of course, and I still can't do laundry until the pump is replaced, but it will happen. He's coming back Monday.

He left, and so did I, for my mammogram appointment. That went smoothly. Uncomfortable as always, but it went smoothly.

I had enough time to pop in to my house and walk my dog before heading to the temple to open up for the flower delivery. Once again, I was the only one really available with a key and a code to open the building. 

Flowers were supposed to be delivered at 2:00 pm. As I was driving, GPS said I would arrive at 1:41 PM. I was debating getting a drive through sandwich or something because I was HUNGRY but I decided no, I would wait. After I let people in maybe I would sneak out and grab something.

I arrived at 1:42 PM. 

The flowers, supposed to arrive at 2:00 PM, arrived at 1:51. 

Good thing I passed up the sandwich. I was the only one in the building to let them in.

The flowers were lovely. These arrangements above went in the sanctuary. The photo below shows the table settings we worked so hard on the day before, now completed with the floral arrangements.

Others of the committee arrived at 2:00 PM, and once I was confident most bases were covered, I left to go home, walk my dog, and get dressed and made up.

On the way home (around 2:30) I grabbed that sandwich.

I walked the dog, and made sure she had water, and got dressed and made up. I printed out a guide to the service so that I could stage manage. I printed out the most current table assignments (I truly despise table assignments, and I ended up doing the table assignments and also revising them because... that's how it fell out!). I headed over to the temple.

I helped punch out name tags.  I wasn't originally scheduled to sit at the greeter table, but I landed there and it was good that I did. We learned that JH and KH weren't coming, due to JH's hospital adventures. Another person confirmed they wouldn't be able to make it. Coming in to the event, we had 3 open seats of 64 place settings. These cancellations gave us 3 more. 

We ended up having 6 add ons!

Since I had the list of table assignments, I was able to place the newcomers efficiently. 

WHEW.

Dinner started more or less on time. We entered the sanctuary more or less on time. 

The service was lovely. 

The Oneg after the service found people visiting and table hopping and hobnobbing for over an hour. 

WHEW.

Now I need to practice my songs for tomorrow (The Event Part 2), so that I won't freak out, then get through tomorrow and hopefully find a more peaceful path through the next days and weeks. 

Mother's Day

 Posted a week later:

This day, May 12, essentially went according to plan. Amazing.

We planned to meet in Kalamazoo- close to halfway for those coming from Chicagoland and from Southeastern Michigan.

We found a dog-friendly restaurant with a patio and prayed for good weather.

We planned to include CM from South Carolina with a FaceTime call.

All those things happened.

My friend CR came to stay with my dog since I would be gone all day.

Son AJ and fiancée JJ drove me to Kzoo (since I had tire sensor and / or pressure issues with my car).

We all arrived at the restaurant at about the right time.  The weather was fine for outdoor dining. The dogs behaved. The grandkids gave snuggles. Auntie CM called and we passed the phone around the table and everyone had a chance to chat.

The food was good.

The weather stayed fine and we found a dog friendly playground nearby and kids and canines all had a an opportunity to stretch their legs and enjoy the fresh air.*

It was really lovely, and it filled my heart.

My son JE and family drove me back to their house after, so I could meet cute foster kittens and get my car and drive home.

The gift from all the kids was a quilt made from Ken's tee shirts. A gift of warmth, comfort, and good memories.

*Remind me to tell you about the child at the playground that seemed to be angling to be adopted by our family!

I want to quit it all

 Today's update: I still have no water in the house. I have checked the outside faucet, and it still has water. So I am hopeful it is not a well problem.

Caveat: I didn't run the outside faucet for LONG. I want to get a bucket first, so I can capture the water.

I have lots of distilled water. I maintain several gallons so that I don't run out for my CPAP machine. If the outside water is fine, my dog and I are fine for a few days.

Here are my major scream issues:

House: no water, messy basement and utility room, no trusted experts. I'm hoping some friends and / or my nephew can help me diagnose before I bring in professionals and start that expense.

Timing: This weekend is the big-deal 95th anniversary celebration for my temple. I am committed to work on it all this afternoon, all tomorrow afternoon/ evening, and all Sunday afternoon. Then, due to health concerns for my family down south, I have travel coming up next week. I have limited time windows to get this fixed!

OTHER stresses: I still have heard nothing regarding my employment for the Fall academic courses at either Byzantine U or Third University. I have sent my fourth and final email to Third U, stating that if I haven't heard by May 25, I will assume I have no work upcoming there. 

Byzantine U is more complicated. I have a contract. I've been receiving ZERO responses from the Interim Chair there. I am the highest seniority Part Time Faculty there, and I should have been offered a course this Spring and next Fall, if any were available for Part Time Faculty.

Checking the schedule of courses, I have noted that both Spring and Fall courses in Intro to Theatre (for which I am eligible) have been assigned to another Part Time Faculty.

I am angry and frustrated. I feel I am due the courtesy of a response. I don't want to work in a hostile environment, and I don't want to kick out another PTF who may be struggling as well. On the other hand, I am mindful of and grateful for the work the Union has done to provide some measure of job security for part time faculty. I don't want my contract, or any contract, to be ignored.

I truly am uncertain about how to proceed with this. 

MORE stress: I just found out via email that another one of Ken's poker group- his tightest friend group for more than 25 years- has been hospitalized.

Once I wrap up this post, I'm going to get dressed, try to clean out the laundry room, and send up some signal flares to friends for help diagnosing the water/ pump/ issue. I'll head out to work at temple, then say SCREW IT and go out for a while with my sister.

I can only do what I can do.

No water

 So I thought it was just the basement pump. My laundry is in the basement, so there is a pump to the water out of the laundry tub (when the washing machine spins out the water). The water has to pump up. We've been in the house almost 35 years, and I think this is the second pump, and it's had some patchwork repairs. 

So when I saw that there was standing water in the laundry tub, I figured oh well, it needs another patch job. 

But I couldn't get it to manually turn on. 

And it smelled sort of funny.

Uh-oh. 

I figured the pump is burned out. I'd heard it running more than usual. 

It's old. I guess I will have to replace it. It's going to be $200-$300 and I will have to see if I can pay my nephew or (gulp) find a handy person.

I unplugged the pump and the washing machine and the dryer and the water softener. 

Then I read up on it, and I shouldn't turn off the water softener. I should just bypass it. 

I spent a few hours trying to track down the model number of the water softener, then trying to figure out from the diagrams etc how to shift it to bypass.

On the way, I have duly noted that the water softener is WAY past due for maintenance- change of filter AT LEAST. 

Also, the entire laundry room is so dirty. Low priority, haven't been down there, I'm depressed, ya da ya da.

I *tried* to figure out which valves were to be turned which way to do the by pass mode. 

And now I have no water at all.

It's late, I have an overbooked schedule for the next several days AND I'm supposed to go out of town next week for a week.

I don't know if I have accidentally turned off the water entirely (I don't think so), or if a circuit is blown (I will try to check next), or if (PLEASE NO) the well pump has burned out. I don't THINK so- why would it coincide with the little pump under the laundry tub?

Anyway, it is now approaching midnight, I just want to cry. I am hoping that the laundry room won't flood- if the water comes back on, and I *haven't* got the water softener on bypass. I am hoping this is a quick fix that isn't too expensive.

The good news is that I have several gallons of distilled water so that my dog and I can drink water. 

Tomorrow morning I will see if the outside faucets work. I will make some phone calls. 

I am really tired, and I don't want to have to figure this stuff out by myself. 

May 7

 Tuesday May 7 would have been Ken's 75th birthday, and it was tough, and honestly, it's just one milestone after another lately- it feels nonstop. 

Son AJ came to be with me for the week. He came in Monday night, taking the train to Ann Arbor (actually, he tried to take the train to Ann Arbor- Amtrak's direct route was interrupted and Amtrak put all the passengers on a bus in Battle Creek- why can't we have bullet trains like all the other countries?) and son JE and I and JE's family picked him up from the station. We all went out to dinner. AJ and I came home to my house.

The next day was Tuesday, Ken's birthday. My recent theme of "nothing goes according to plan but somehow we make do" continued. We (AJ and I, JE and his kids) had *planned* on going to a minor league game- the Toledo Mudhens, Ken's native Toledo and a farm team of Ken's beloved Tigers. There were thunderstorm predictions, and tornado warnings, and although we kept watching the weather, we made the wise decision not to go to the minor league game.

We all (the kids and I) did some different things. BI shared memories with her family at breakfast, ate some of Ken's favorite foods, had a run, took a sunset walk with a friend, had a Chivas nightcap with her spouse- not her favorite beverage, but Ken's. CM and KG went to a minor league game near where she is in South Carolina.

We all gathered on Zoom to share some favorite happier memories about Ken around lunchtime, as many were working. I mentioned the first birthday gift I gave him. One by one, the others shared some memories too. CM shared the last story, a hilarious reminiscence of Ken walking with her and talking, and talking so randomly- and letting loose a stream of farts that he had hoped his conversation would cover!

In Michigan, AJ and I cleared the cupboards of some of Ken's favorite foods that I don't care for and also stopped at the grocery store to buy some of Ken's other favorites- like licorice, that I don't like- and also some Hershey's kisses (because, hey, maybe the people at the food bank don't like licorice either) and then we brought the bags of goodies to a local food pantry. 

We drove by the school where Ken used to work, and took pictures of the tree that the school planted in his memory. It is in leaf now. We shared the pictures with the other kids.

AJ and I went out to the Coney Island restaurant that Ken liked for lunch, and I had what Ken always described as their "world famous homemade corned beef hash and eggs" and AJ had veggie hash- as close as a gluten free vegetarian could get. 

As JE's work day was winding up, AJ and I drove back to Ann Arbor. The rain had let up (although it was predicted to come back- and did, with a vengeance) so AJ, I, and all of JE's family went for a long walk around the neighborhood. When we came back to JE's house, we ordered pizza (gluten free for AJ) and had dinner together.

The storm raged all around us, but no tornadoes in Ann Arbor.

While we were having dinner, we traded some stories about Ken. AJ and JE were able to bond and reminisce about how Ken was not a good cook- at all. They both shared the horror of the memory of when Ken made them leftovers (combined): macaroni and cheese combined with tunafish heated in the microwave! JE's spouse JP laughed out loud for a while at that!

After dinner, we played a few different games all together.

It was a very typical family gathering that Ken would have loved.

AJ and I headed back home, and chatted through the hour long drive. 

The next day, AJ and I found time to go to Ken's (and my) favorite local ice cream shop.

We all had some tears and also some smiles and even laughter. It was good to touch base with each other.

Milestones still ahead- Mother's Day tomorrow, Father's Day next month, July 4th family gathering as well as my birthday, CM's, and EC's. August will be unveiling Ken's grave marker.

And then it will be September 9, a year.

May Day

 It seems odd that the phrase May Day is both a date for a fun, sometimes riotous spring holiday, and also a distress call. 

Both seem applicable. 

The world is blooming. Violets are scattered across my lawn, and dandelions, some going to seed, some still blooming. Dead nettle and clover. My lilacs are blooming. The gentle shy green of new leaves is softening the silhouettes of the trees in my yard.

The sun is rising earlier, setting later. Warm days more often than cold. 

New life.

I am still working on reconciling myself to the reality of Ken's death.

I went to see a house. I went with my sister. She said that since I've been obsessing about this house for a month or so, we may as well go see it. She confessed later that she'd anticipated that seeing the house for real would let me get over my obsessive checking of it on Zillow.

After we toured the house, she was almost as in love with it as I was. Brick and ivy covered. It has a magnificent back yard, with privacy fencing and a big deck- and a second floor deck as well. Clean plaster walls, exposed beams in the ceiling, closets, a sauna.

Wow!

For about a day, I was convinced I would buy this house.

Then, I started talking myself out of it. Yes, I could buy it- probably cash- but could I afford the upkeep? I don't clean- how would I keep it clean? What if it needs something expensive- a new roof? Plumbing issues?

It's in Flint!

It's huge- almost two and a half times my present home. 

But I could rent space to people to cover the costs of utilities...

But there's so many stairs...

*sigh*

The jury is still out. I don't think I will buy it (today, May 8- on May 5 I was ready to make an offer).

I feel suspended between new life and old, blooming and distress calls.

It's getting harder, gifts, and a good day

 It's getting harder. 

The first few weeks and months after Ken died are a blur. I'm glad I wrote things down, and kept emails and texts, because my memory was/is unreliable. I was in denial, nothing was real, all was surreal. 

Those blurred months changed to months when I had so many tasks to accomplish that I kept moving and kept functioning. I hurt, but at the same time I still felt that numbness. Also, in a strange way, Ken was still so present in my life. 

I do not feel him so strongly now.

It's becoming more real now. 

************

The above was from April 14, 2024. It is now two weeks later and two weeks harder.

I don't know if I can keep doing this. It's too hard.

I'm trying to remember the gifts, and the good day, from this title. 

A friend wrote: I'm touching base because I know that you are approaching a tough couple of months of "firsts." 

I answered: We are not approaching a couple of rough months, we are in them for sure. April 5 was my wedding anniversary. April 23 started Passover, which has been a challenge for all of us. In a week and a half, it will be May 7, which would have been Ken's 75th birthday. May 12 is Mother's Day, June Father's Day, July my birthday and daughter CM's and grandchild E's, and then August- a month that Ken and I would have spent with daughter BI's family, August- the month of unveiling of his memorial stone, and then it will be September.

And then year 2.

The start of these particular rough months of firsts was early April.  I had a trip with my friend SR. She flew in from North Carolina to be with me on my first anniversary without my love. 

 We went to Holland, Michigan, just to be somewhere different. Pampered ourselves. Cried some, laughed some.

We went to a hotel with a hot tub and pool. We took turns taking each other out for delicious meals. We pampered ourselves with manicures, ice cream, wine flights. 

We laughed a little, wept a little, reminded each other that there is still love in the world. We went out to dinner with live music. We toasted to love and friendship and supporting each other as we find a way forward. 

When we got back, there was a gift from my Illinois kids. They had sent flowers- carnations- for my anniversary.

They had worried that the flowers would be damaged, as they were on my doorstep for a day and night before I arrived.

It (almost) always snows on my early April anniversary. It did this year.

The flowers, tight buds, were fine. Sheltered on my porch, and insulated in their cardboard box, they survived just fine.

As the days - and then weeks- went by, the tight buds opened and bloomed.

Maybe the good day was when SR and I toasted to friendship. Maybe the gift was the flowers. 

Remembering another gift of flowers, from Ken- and then from daughter CM and our friend KG. When I came home from Chicagoland August 31- it would be my last night spent sleeping with Ken- he had a bouquet of flowers waiting for me. The bouquet was there in my empty house the long week that we camped in motels near the hospital. The bouquet was joined by other flowers and plants after Ken died, after the funeral, after shiva.

After the funeral, CM and KG were thoughtful enough to dry those flowers, and preserve them in a frame.

Back to the current month: Once back from my trip with SR, and SR on her flight back to NC, I traveled with my son JE and family to Oregon, Ohio to see the total eclipse. Terrible hotel, wonderful to experience the totality.

Then I was prepping for an International Shabbat April 12, on Zoom in 8 different spoken languages plus ASL (different languages in different parts, except the Shema in all the languages).

A band concert for grandchild JD on April 16; a conversion ceremony for a friend on the 18th. Final classes, grading papers, grading finals.

Passover. It's still in Passover. Had the Congregational Seder Friday night- it was my FOURTH Seder, and I was essentially in charge, stressed, and Sedered-OUT.

Yesterday my nephew WH came over and did some yard work for me. I gave him our chest freezer in the fall, as he hunts deer and fishes and they needed it for their food storage. In exchange, he was going to do the yard work. He cleared out the weeds/ growth all around the perimeter of the house 8-12 inches- including taking down a number of bushes/ trees/ vines that were crowding the A/C unit and giving roadways for rodents to access the attic. 

Now I have to get motivated to put down weed-suppressing fabric, and stones, to keep it clear!

I am feeling guilty because I missed my friend CR's orchestra concert last night. I literally forgot until it was an hour past the start time. To be fair to me, I don't think WH had left by the start time, and - another wrinkle- I had a call from my dad that morning that his wife DH was in the hospital with appendicitis.

She had the surgery yesterday afternoon, and is recovering. I exchanged Wordles with her this morning. Her daughter RL flew in to hang with Dad and DH during recovery.

I still feel guilty that I didn't go to the concert- but I'm somewhat relieved that I forgot, because the last time I went to one of her concerts it was with Ken, and I also was all peopled-out yesterday. Today, too, to a certain extent.

I have completed grading for the one class I had at Third U- a win. Got to count them when I have them.

I currently have no idea if I have any teaching gigs in the future. At Third U, the professor that wanted to teach "my" class Fall 2023 "one more time" before retiring* is listed as teaching again for Fall 2024, and I am listed for "my" class at Third U Winter 2025- on campus. Since I expect to be traveling and/or moving, I have no interest in teaching on campus. I have an inquiry in to the Chair about what all this means, but have as yet received no response.

Byzantine U is another painful mystery. I was checking the Byzantine U site, and discovered that a Part Time Faculty with less seniority than I is listed as teaching one of "my" online courses Fall 2024. I should have been offered that class. I wrote to the chair (yes, the same one who said in November-ish, how are you doing? So sorry for your loss! BTW, you won't be teaching Winter 2024 due to tenured faculty...) and said to him, since my leave of absence ends April 30, is there a Spring class for me? A Fall class?

No response yet. 

I am conflicted about both. It may be time, I don't know, for me to stop teaching- but I would like that to have been my decision. I would have hoped to at least teach Fall 2024- for the $$ and also for the identity, the continuity, to finish out the year. If I have to fight for the classes, and / or bump other faculty, or if it's a hostile work environment, it is simply not worth it. Or at least I feel that way at the moment. I may fight the fight anyway, with the Union, for the sake of other union members. 

I don't know... I am so ambivalent, conflicted, frustrated.

I'm leading services- in person- this Friday night. *sigh* Hoping to line up others for the rest of May and most of June. 

Son AJ is coming in a week from Monday (May 6)  to be with me- and hopefully son JE- on Tuesday, Ken's birthday. We hope to go to a Mudhen's game. AJ will stay the week, and then we will travel to Kalamazoo for Mother's Day with JE and family, with BI and family, and AJ's love JP, joining us from Chicago land. JP will drive AJ home from our Kalamazoo visit. 

Daughter CM is bouncing around- sometimes in South Carolina, sometimes camping, sometimes volunteering. Homeless, like me. I have a house, but no home.

I am worried about losing connections with my friends, with my family. I see JE usually once a week, when I go in on Mondays for grandchild LC- we talk some, but he is hurting but not communicating about many of the questions that I have. Daughter BI texts pix of the kids, but I haven't really had calls or Zooms. AJ calls once a week, determined to check in. CM sometimes texts, and we call about once a week- we are both hurting. 

We are all so protective of each other, trying not to impose our pain on each other. We have yet to grieve all together, in one place, since September. Thanksgiving, JE missed due to Covid. In March, Spring break, JE and kids came to Chicagoland but CM was in Guatemala.

Another friend texted: Hope you are letting your support in... so many are here for you.

I know this is true, but though many want to help it is not necessarily in the ways that I need help. The friend who texted would like me to come to stay in her cottage by the beach. She, and many others, would like to spend time with me and offer emotional support. I do need that, yes, but I also need help in boxing up clothes and dishes, and help with deciding what to ditch, donate, repurpose, hold on to. I need help figuring out what happens next.

I am also struggling because I don't know where I will live. Not here, not for much longer. BI and JE have each said I can live with them- but I still feel a need for autonomy.  I can't afford my own place in near either of their more affluent communities. My temple community is near me, not too far to move, and not too expensive- but the temple is diminishing as many of the members are moving to be closer to grandkids or for retirement communities.

I'm a mess. My house is a mess. I am struggling, and some days I just don't know WHY I should keep struggling. It is all so much effort, it is so hard, and there seems to be little purpose for it. 

I am having trouble looking forward.

I am having trouble finding a good reason to look forward.

It's getting harder.

*************

 

* You may remember the professor taking back the Third U class Fall 2023 ended up as a blessing in disguise, as that happened before Ken went into the hospital, and I had therefore only the two Byzantine U classes- asynchronous and online. The asynchronous online classes have been a great boon to my mental health, grounding me with tasks and deadlines- although, of course, not without their stresses.