I think I am having a panic attack. I am having trouble breathing and my anxiety is soaring and I want to cry, I want to run, I feel like I can't move, I feel like I might throw up.
I'm writing to sort through it, to find a way to breathe, to sort out all the many triggers and let them rest, try to let them go.
The trigger, without a doubt, is that I sent an email to my kids with a proposed date for the unveiling of Ken's gravestone.
I'm terrified that the date won't work for one or another and I will hurt feelings and cause problems. I can't breathe.
There is so much pressing, pressing, pressing on me. Good, bad, indifferent, it is all too much and I cannot hold up, I fear.
So many people that I feel I should be helping.
My dad is not doing well. He literally cannot catch his breath; there is scarring in his lungs and the damage is accelerating and in months or possibly (not likely) years, this will almost certainly be what ends his life.
I'm not ready. Selfishly, I want him to hold on.
I feel the pull to be there to help him, and his wife DE. I go when I can; I feel it's not enough.
Another family member will need surgery, will need my help.
A friend has had surgery, could definitely use some help. Another friend is going through major life changes, I feel that I should be more help. Another friend is hurting, I feel I should do more.
I want- need! - to see my grandchildren.
I have several responsibilities at my place of worship- I need to meet with the soloist, I need to meet with the committee, I need to line up service leaders.
I have signed a contract to teach at Byzantine U- once again, a class brand new to me that I have never taught before and therefore must create ex nihilio.
I need to review all the different accounts I have, so that when I go to a meeting this week with a financial advisor I can ask intelligent questions and understand my financial situation, so I can plan a path forward from here.
I need to tidy the house, so that I can schedule a house cleaner. I need to clear out my house, so that I can get it ready to sell, so I can be ready to move.
I need to find another house. I need to find a vision of what home might be.
My dog threw up this morning.
My car needs an oil change- how can my car need an oil change? It just had an oil change!
I'm sure I'm forgetting something.
That's just my personal life. Then my nation and my world are in crisis, in flames, chaos, a dumpster fire.
It is so hard to stay centered in this moment: in this moment, I have enough, and I could be at peace if I were to be just in this moment and no other, for at least one moment.
In my last post, I wrote about the challenges of Father's Day, and family gatherings- especially the 4th of July, a long tradition in my family that was so much harder than I thought it would be- and I thought it would be hard. I found that I spent a day and a half, almost paralyzed, recovering.
I wrote that post on the eve of my birthday.
My birthday was hard and also sweet. My friend SR came in from North Carolina, and we did a three day trip. We didn't stick to our original plan- in part because my schedule is so uncertain now, considering my dad's health. We had originally planned a trip to Mackinac Island. Instead we went north to Frankenmuth for a nostalgic chicken dinner and found a new wine bar (on Wine Wednesday! Half off!). Then we went west. We found some nice restaurants and visited the Frederik Meijer Sculpture Garden.
No comments:
Post a Comment