5783 On the eighth night of Chanukah I did not buy for you...

 Last night was the eighth night of Chanukah. All eight candles were lit.

Picture of actual candles from last night.

Last night was the last night, making today the last day of Chanukah for this year. We enjoyed celebrating Chanukah, and it's bittersweet to say farewell to the holiday.

I may shed a tear. Perhaps you might as well.

As you reach for a tissue, perhaps it might cheer you to have a classy* tissue dispenser. 

Who doesn't love the great Bard of Avon**? Always appropriate!

"Blow...and crack your cheeks! Rage! Blow..."- King Lear

"Blow, blow..." As You Like It

"God bless thee..." Richard III

I briefly considered a less literary art tissue box cover:

This is an Easter Island styled tissue box. However, this is clearly the wrong holiday. Not even the right sneezin' - I mean, season.

I also bailed on this one:

I thought about it, but, 'chute, it doesn't seem right.

Although "It were a grief so brief to part with thee," I know we will meet again. "Farewell."

*I'm aware I have previously not given you a tissue dispenser, but you have to admit this is not classy.

** Many, many people don't love the Bard. I am aware. I try to have compassion.

5783 On the Seventh Night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Footwear. I didn't buy you footwear. On the seventh night of Chanukah, the sole gift I did not buy for you was footwear.

In previous years, I have not-bought you hand-wear. I've not-bought you socks. This year, I'm stepping it up.

This year, I'm not-buying you these:

These legit boots are a steal at only $399.00 (I did not misplace the decimal point, and I'm not committing as to who is stealing from whom). I could save up to 25% off - "see price in cart."

If I were to go so far as to put them into the cart.

Check out the detail!

I may even not-buy you this similarly themed accessory. 

Although, to be honest, I believe the bag pairs better with this pair of boots:

Why am I not buying this fun-of-a-kind* fashion for feet (plus accessory)? Before you give me the boot, let me explain:

1. I'm not confident that these boots are made for walkin' (cue Nancy Sinatra). (Yes, I realize that it's old. So am I.)

2. I'm not sure you're a Pokémon Patron. More of a Marvel Maven** in my mind.

3. I myself am not a Pokémon Patron. I am woefully ignorant, and could easily err and offer you a character entirely unsuited to your tastes. Take damage. Not worth the risk!

4. Size. Footwear is notoriously difficult to fit, and I actually have no clue as to the size that would be appropriate. While this may seem like a lame excuse, I don't want to make a misstep.

5. Call me crazy, or looney***, but maybe one of these would be more your style!

* While this is clever, and I am also clever, I did not come up with this. It was on the website. 

** Maven = Yiddish for expert

*** Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks! For now, anyway!

5783 On the Sixth Night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 I'm not going to lie, this particular holiday season of 5783/2022 has been unusually trying. People are posting that it's hard to get into the holiday spirit. Then the Polar Vortex threw a curve into many holiday plans. This is no laughing matter- I hope you and yours are safe and warm.

Never the less, these challenges have some of us feeling a bit down in the mouth.

Granddaughter down in the mouth, when she was little. Granted, it was a big mouth.

We don't want you to be down in the mouth. We want to turn that frown upside down! It turns out, fun fact, that your dental and oral health may be a key to your mental health! Did you know that some research suggests that good oral hygiene can help prevent Alzheimer’s? 

So take care of those chomps! And your mouth!

You can do it on your own, because on the sixth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you:

This is Dr. Tung's Tongue Cleaner! It's recommended by dental health professionals! Adjustable! Stainless steel! Comes with its own travel case! According to reviews, it is life changing!

Why wouldn't I buy you this?

It's too personal. I don't want to suggest that you have bad breath, or early dementia. 

It's life-changing. That could be great. That could be ominous. 

I read the instructions. 

Place cleaner as far back as is comfortable. (I am already uncomfortable.)

Gently glide cleaner forward, 'scraping' off unwanted matter. (Still uncomfortable. Quotation marks around "scraping"?!? What are we qualifying here? "Unwanted matter"- what is that!?! Do you jump over "wanted matter"?)

Repeat 3 or 4 times.  (What? I didn't get all that "unwanted matter" the first go?)

Besides, it's difficult to decide whether I should buy you just this tongue cleaner, or package it with other products from Dr. Tung's Innovative Oral Care. Toothbrush protection! (Didn't know they were in danger.) Smart floss! (As much trouble as I have with a smart phone and smart tv, I shudder to think of smart floss.)  Oil pulling concentrate*! 

Too many decisions. I decided to not buy you all of it.

Here's hoping you aren't down in the mouth, and that frown turns upside down, with or without smart floss.

*I didn't know about oil pulling as oral health care either. It is apparently derived from Ancient Ayurvedic texts. From my extremely shallow dive into research, it does involve oil, but does not involve pulling teeth. I was worried.

5783 On the fifth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 Just as there is a tradition for Night Number 2, there is a sort of tradition for the fifth. For the holidays, it is often a tradition to give the gift of adult beverages- a fifth here and there.

In the past I've presented all kinds of fifths or fifth-related gifts that I would not-buy for you. 

Consider when I did not buy a fifth diminished, demolished, or booted.

Or the pocket flask that was sized for a giant.

For the fifth night of Chanukah this year, I did not buy for you:

Okay, it's a crowded photo so perhaps I should specify that what I didn't buy for you is the measuring shot glass, not the sippy cup. Also not the half-cup measuring shot-glass. 

I have to wonder about product placement here. A large sized toddler sippy cup next to a giant sized shot glass- which is actually a "half cup kitchen measure"- next to a box of more standard sized measuring shot glasses. At first, I thought the box o' shot glasses were ALL half cup measures- so major drinking!

Or a party, let's be fair. Maybe you need a half-cup measure for a pitcher of Pina coladas. 

Also next to a sippy cup? This seems like an incentive to irresponsible parenting in one way or another.

Why not buy you the shot glass? 

First, you have shot glasses. 

Next, it's a measuring shot glass. So exact. It's the holidays! Enjoy! Free pour! 

Okay, it's not my most inventive gift. I'll sweeten the deal with another gift I did not buy for you:

Why not buy you these toothpicks? They're bourbon and/or whiskey infused!

But they are TOOTHPICKS. They can be neither sipped nor savored.

Not good enough, my friend.

Enjoy your holiday! Stay warm and safe!

5783 On the fourth night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

 While the fourth night of Chanukah was Wednesday, the fourth day of Chanukah is Thursday- that's how the Jewish holidays roll. It was evening, it was morning, another day.

So it's Chanukah Throw-back Thursday! 

For the fourth night/day of Chanukah, I did not buy for you a gift that reminded me of gifts of years gone by. 

This gift reminds me of a gift from the very first year- because of its function. 

This gift reminds me of another gift because its form. 

So, for the fourth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you this:

This is a Bogey Man Egg Separator. Throwback to the E-Z Egg Cracker function in year #1 (2012 or 5773). Throwback to Runny Nose Soap Dispenser of 2019/ 5780.

Why would I not buy this for you? 

Some of the original reasons still apply from year #1: You can still separate egg whites from yolks easily with things you already have!

Also, it's sort of heart-healthy, right? Focusing on the egg whites instead of the yolks? It's the freakin' HOLIDAY SEASON, mate! Who is eating healthy right now?

Also, it's sexist. Where are the Bogey-Women with their egg whites? Nobody nose. 

Wait- I said it's egg whites, you said It'sSnot?

(Still Throwback Thursday.)

5783 On the third night of Hanukkah, I did not buy for you...

 On the third night of Hanukkah, I did not buy for you...

Nothing.

Not like the jar of nothing that I didn't buy you a few years ago. Nope.

I didn't even not-buy you this:

It's Dehydrated Water- which, if you ask me, is suspiciously close to nothing.

No, it's not that "On the third night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you... nothing." 

It's that "On the third night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...nothing."

Instead of not-buying your gift, I'm not-making something. So much more personal.

Not a hand-knit sweater - Good heavens, no! Knitting needles? You could put your eye out with those things! 

No. 

There's a fine holiday tradition of making food for gift giving --even though those cookie exchanges and sugar-plums and fruit cakes and such are more Christmas than Chanukah. Still, sharing of food on joyous occasions is a tradition for all peoples, and sharing food is certainly a Jewish tradition!

SO... for the third night, I got busy and did not make you sourdough bread.

Why NOT!?! You exclaim, having enjoyed many of my delicious baked goods in the past. Banana bread, cinnamon rolls, CHEESECAKE!!

I'll tell you why not. 

Sourdough bread is made with sourdough starter, which is a living thing. You have to care for it, feed it, check on it. 

It's like having a pet. You and I both already have pets, thank you very much.

Actually, it's more like having a pet Gremlin. Because if you make an error in the care and feeding of this pet, things can go horribly wrong.

Like this:

This could happen to you!*  It's the Bread That Tried to Take Over Your Oven! 

Also, if you neglect your starter long enough, it will die. This could also happen to you!**

That's it. I'm going back to not-buying you gifts. Much safer.***

Happy Hanukkah! 

* This did happen to me.

**  This also happened to me. RIP, sourdough starter. But not before I tamed the beast:

*** Although, if I did not-make you a gift, there are handy Do It Yourself Instructions for making your own Dehydrated Water.

5783 On the Second Night of Hanukkah I did not buy for you...

There are so many holiday traditions. For some, there are gifts of pjs or crazy sweaters. For others, there are special foods that are shared (or, in the case of some fruitcakes, archived) for the holiday. 

There is the tradition, after all, of this Chanukah blog.

The blog itself has a tradition.

There is a tradition for night Number 2.

Because, it's Number 2. 

[Insert juvenile giggle here.]

Who does not recall undies in a TP can? Or the Woods Wipe Toilet Paper KIT with Deer Flask? Or the Super Dooper Reindeer Pooper? Once I didn't buy for you a veritable library on the Power of Poop! 

We could go on...

A tradition!

After ten years, though, you don't want to get bound up by tradition. You want to stay smooth, relaxed, easy. Otherwise, you could get wiped out.

So maybe it's time for something fun. A game!

On the second night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you- a game.

This is Flush'N Frenzy. It is an actual game for 2 to 4 players. You have to plunge the toilet as many times as the die tells you, and if the poop flies out you have to be the first to catch it- Bonus points if you catch the Flying Poop in Mid-Flight.  Oops, excuse me, not points- tokens. Blue chips. See below.

Why oh why am I not buying this for you?

Well...

1. It's definitely made of plastic. Not eco-friendly. If we're dealing with poo-products, let's go eco-friendly, okay? 

2. I happen to know that you have a toddler, who is 2,  and you may be more involved with toilet issues and poop chasing and catching in real life than any old game. 

On Night #2, two reasons are probably sufficient. 

Although...

I could not-buy you two gifts. 

Since this is the biggest travel season since the Pandemic, perhaps you might need:

The TravelJohn Resealable Disposable Urinal.

Both resealable and disposable.

I'm so confused. 

May all go smoothly for you. On Night Number 2.

5783 On the first night of Hanukkah I did not buy for you...

Ten years ago, I began a tradition of not-buying a gift (or eight...) for my (then) Dear Daughter's Significant Other* on each night of Chanukah. 

A decade later there are still many gifts not-to-buy! 

So on the first night of Chanukah, the Festival of Light, I did not buy for you:

Light. 

I've not-bought you light before; for instance, a pillow in the first year of the blog! Then there were the light-up friends. Let's not forget the light-saber chopsticks last year!

But all those gifts are in the past. Their appeal has dimmed. 

For the Festival of Lights this year, I had a great idea! Which means, a LIGHT BULB went off over my head!

(That's how it happens in the comic books, sonny!)

So I am not-buying you a light bulb.

This light bulb, specifically:

This is a light bulb. It goes in the light socket of your lamp. BUT IT'S SPECIAL because it is also A FLASHLIGHT!

This light bulb has a rechargeable battery and is (apparently) recharging all the time so that, if the lights go out, the lights don't go out. For 5 hours. 

You take the light out of the socket, and use it for a flashlight.

Neat, eh?

So why didn't I buy this for you on the Festival of Lights? Let me enlighten you.

1. Too practical. I believe in gifts that you wouldn't get yourself: Something whimsical or that pampers you. 

2. I believe this light bulb has an identity crisis. Is it meant to live in a lamp? Or venture out as a flashlight? A stable but staid home light, or a flasher passed hand to hand? What if the light bulb needs therapy? Electroshock therapy! NO!

3. You have a toddler in the house. You can't go modeling family members lighting light bulbs with their bodies. What if the toddler tries it?

4. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, it's a gift I'm not-buying you for Chanukah. It only stays lit for 5 hours. 

If it were for 8 hours, we might have a different conversation.

Chag Sameach!

*She is still my Dear Daughter. It's that he is now my DDS (Dear Daughter's Spouse).