On the eighth night of Chaunkah, I did not give to you...

Last night, we lit all 8 candles on the menorah.

It's a beautiful sight.

Our holiday, and our vacation, are coming to an end for now.

Soon we must return to our regular, work-a-day life, with all the stress that entails.

You may need a stress-reliever. Many people use fidget spinners.

Batman fidget spinner? Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na- NOT ONE!

Or fidget with poop?

Nope. Not even on night number TWO.

Truth be told, fidget spinners annoy me. So, not giving you these.

Another way to work out your stress? Maybe stress balls? The classic stress balls:

Or stress balls that REALLY express (and expel) the stress:

However, after searching long and hard, I've found it!



Here's the stress reliever that I am not giving you:

These are NiceBalls stress relieving balls. Or, to give them their proper name, Testicle Stress balls.  As the promo states:

Lean back, play with your balls and feel as the stress leaves your body! Niceballs are the scrotum-shaped stress ball that is both nice to grab and to squeeze! It attaches to the underside of a tabletop with a suction - perfect to have within reach at work as your stress levels creep up! 

 
Really? Under-table suction?

Perhaps more discrete, on another site:

niceballs dangle beneath your desk so you can discretely de-stress.

I think my definition of discretely and their definition of discretely may be different.

I am not getting you this.

Sack this idea. I'm not a nut-case.

 

On the seventh night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

Happy Chanukah!

All good things must come to an end*, and here we find ourselves on the penultimate day of the Holiday of Hanukah!

Even though  Chanukah is coming to an end, the gifts I am not giving may continue to bring joy! After all, one can access the blog any time!

While reviewing the blog, I've noticed something: some of these gifts my DSIL (or other blog followers) have actually bought for themselves! Gifts not given in Chanukahs past, such as Poo-Pourri,  have gone mainstream** and I've seen Squatty Potties at the homes of some of my near and dear! Remember when George Takei picked up on my gift of the Shitten?

What, you might be wondering, did I choose not to give you last night?

I've been cooking more recently. So thinking of things around the kitchen, I recalled when I didn't buy for you the Easy Egg Cracker. (Because, how hard can cracking an egg be?) I didn't buy for you a toaster.



I did not buy for you Ninja Cookie Cutters. Or the "Rainbow" Cookie cutter with the unfortunate silhouette.

Last night, I did  not give to you some additions to your kitchen collection.

This is a grape slicer. Apparently, grapes are just TOO HARD TO SLICE.

Why wouldn't I give this to you?

First of all, it's plastic. I'm trying to avoid plastic. So, no.

Next, is this grape slicer truly the best design?

What about this one?

Or this?

How about this?

Too many options. Which one makes the cut?

Staying with food prep, here is another handy gadget I'm not getting you:

This is an automatic pan-stirrer with timer. This saves you the tedium of stirring constantly and times your dish! What's not to love?

Well...

I've been watching Santa Clarita Diet. This looks like a tall slim cousin of Mr. Ball Legs.

Bon appetit

* "All good things must come to an end" and also all not-good things, right? (Asking for a friend)
** Mainstream... there must be a bathroom joke in there somewhere..

On the sixth night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

On the sixth night, let us celebrate the homey items that I'm not giving you.

For instance, last year I did not give to you SOCKS.

To expand upon that, tonight I will not give to you SUSHI SOCKS.

These are socks. For real. See?

These are also socks:

As are these:

I do love pizza, and I know that you do, too. I do love donuts, and I know you do, too. I love (some) sushi, and I know you love (more) sushi.

I'm not giving you these.

No need to encourage any of us to put our foot in our mouth any more than we currently do.

2019/5780 On the fifth night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

Happy Chanukah!

Five crazy nights so far!

I've been reviewing the gifts I did not give you in years gone by.

I recall the Nomming Gnomes of 2015. These terrors of the terrain are apparently predators of lawn ornaments everywhere.

In 2015, you did not have a lawn.

Now you do.

So perhaps you need defense against those Nomming Gnomes. A nommer of Nomming Gnomes.

I found it.

This is what I'm not giving you.

Even though this creature might save the Pink Flamingos from the Plague of the Zombie Gnomes, I am not giving it to you.

Because, as I noted in 2015,  Zombie Gnomes, like Jolly Old Elves, are not real.

So Godzilla would find nary a gnome.  I wouldn't like Godzilla to starve to death.

On the fourth night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

On the fourth night of Chanukah, this is what I picked to not give you:

It's a Runny Nose dispenser for shower gel.

Or, at least, it dispenses SOMETHING.
Maybe it's shower gel. Maybe ItSnot.

Happy Chanukah!

2019/5780 On the third night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

Hi! Did you miss me?

I've been traveling, so... I am have gotten a bit behind in what I'm not giving you.

Since I'm behind, this is what I did not give you on the third night of Chanukah:

This is a tissue dispenser. The tissues come out of a cat's ass.

See? I told you I was behind!

This gift is clearly not the cat's pajamas.

While I am not giving you this gift, I will nevertheless gift you with poetry.

'Tis the season when often you do
Find the need for a new clean tissue
Yet these give you paws,
With or without claws,
For who needs an ass for Achoo?

On the second night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

There is something of a tradition on night number #2.  Last year, I reviewed the Second Night of Chanukah gifts.

Because- Number 2.

So, I'll continue the tradition. Because it's NUMBER TWO, I'm not giving you two gifts.

First, there is this:

This is a Paint-a-Poo. It includes THREE MARKERS! To color your POO!

Well, actually not YOUR poo. It's a vinyl poo, that you may individualize. Much as it grieves me, I will not be encouraging your Poopy-Picasso impulses. Sorry.

Then, I will also not give give you this:

This is a coffee mug. It holds more than 12 ounces! 

You LOVE coffee! (As do I!) WHY am I not giving you this?

In honor of night 2, there are two reasons:

1. I have been informed YOU HAVE ENOUGH COFFEE MUGS, THANK YOU!

2. I will not be responsible for you becoming (more of) a potty-mouth.

You're welcome.

2019/ 5780 On the first night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

Happy Chanukah!

Today is the first day of Chanukah, which means last night was the first night... of Chanukah! That's how these Jewish holidays roll!

If it's Chanukah, it is time for gift giving-- or gift not-giving, as the case may be. In a tradition that began in 2012, I shall share a series of 8 gifts, one for each night.

Gifts for my DSIL* which I will NOT be giving him.

And because of the deep affection I have for you, dear reader, I will NOT be giving them to you, as well.

On the first night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

Nothing. Specifically, I did not give you a JAR of nothing.

Why not? After all, it's 100% natural! Contains no known allergens! Recyclable packaging!

Well, I did not give you this Jar of Nothing for a few reasons.

First, on the major online seller site (notice how I don't mention the name of the River/ Tribe of Warrior Women) this Jar of Nothing is $17.50 with free shipping. While I appreciate the free shipping, I do feel that if you get what you pay for, then you should get nothing for nothing. Clearly, this is overpriced.

Then, I actually already did give you something on the first night. This year, my beloved and I gave in-honor-of-you donations to charity for each of our children and each of their SOs** on the first night of Chanukah. So although it was nothing directly for you (thus a gift of nothing, like the jar I didn't give you), it was something for you and all the world, to make the world a little more just and fair. Nothing AND something!

Also, I heard you already had plenty of nothing... or at least someone has plenty of nothing!

Finally, I remind you that this is Chanukah, which is a Jewish holiday. "Nothing" is more of a gift for a Zen Buddhist.

Or so a cute cartoon I once saw suggested.

Chag Sameach***, DSIL* and DR****.

*Dear Son In Law
**Significant Other(s)
*** Happy holiday!
**** Dear Reader (yes, YOU!)

Core self

My BFFSF* talked about how she is getting back to her core self. The person she was when she was forging her identity for herself in positive ways. For her, that meant forging paths to independence while still maintaining kindness to others. It meant defining boundaries. It meant making improvements in ways that she could, and creating. 

For her, much of that creating and improving was sewing.

So she is sewing again. Sewing for herself, and sewing as a side job that puts a couple dollars in her pocket, while giving her, and her customers, satisfaction.

Her sewing is even healing the planet, a bit, by combating the disposable culture, saving good clothing that can continue to be enjoyed, instead of being replaced.

She finds joy in this. 

I want to return to my core self.

I have to first of all remember who that is. 

For the last several years, I feel like I have been dragged through life by obligations and outside events.  

I've lost my joy.

Who was I, and who am I now, at my core?

When I was forging my own independent identity, and I liked myself, I cooked. I fed others. It brought me joy—and usually brought joy to others. 

I also laughed more, and spent time talking with friends and family. We told jokes and stories.

I told stories. I was never much good at telling jokes.

I went to the theatre, and out for drinks, and out to museums and zoos and exhibits-- and I also stayed home and made a nest where all were welcome. 

I sent funny cards for birthdays and other occasions, or for no occasion at all.

I created. I created stories, and I created shared experiences by directing plays and hosting meetings and having dinners and pot lucks.

Yes, shared experiences of board meetings that were fun. Snacks helped.

So. 

I will keep thinking about who my core self is, and how to express her at this point in my life.

I think food is definitely involved 😊

And friends.

*Best Forever Friend Since Forever

Dragonflies

Going through Gordon Grice's Cabinet of Curiousities: Collecting and Understanding the Wonders of the Natural World off and on with my three year old granddaughter, who is still a bit young for it. I learn that the immature dragonfly is called a "naiad."

Dragonfly naiads have no wings. They breathe through gills in their rear ends. When they need to move very fast to get away from a predator, they push a lot of water out of their rear ends at once and go jetting away. Basically, they propel themselves with fart power. (p 96)

I needed to know this today.

Things I should never again buy for the rest of my life...

What is kicking around in your house-- your LIFE-- that you should NOT EVER buy again?

I'll go first.

Pencils.

This is an actual photo of actual pencils that are actually in my house right now. It's a lot of pencils, right? Write!

I do still use pencils, so it might seem extreme, even though those are a lot of pencils, to state I should NEVER buy more pencils.

However, you should know:

I have at least three more unopened packs of pencils.

I have at least three more cups full of (okay, a mixture of pens and) pencils.

I have pencils in my car.

I have pencils in my purse.*

I have pencils in my computer bag.

I have pencils in drawers in the kitchen, in the living room, and in the bathroom (don't ask).

I have pencils in boxes in the basement.

I have a plethora of pencils. I have plenty** of pencils.

It is difficult for me to imagine using up all the pencils that I currently I have.

So I will not buy any more pencils.

I will, however, continue to pick up the perfectly good pencils that are left on the floors of the halls of the schools where I teach.

Waste not, want not.

*I always have at least six pencils in my purse. Unless I need a pencil. Then I have zero pencils in my purse. I do not understand this. It is always the same: zero OR more than six, with the determining factor being: do I need a pencil?


**I would like to point out that this plentiful plethora of pencils is only counting the standard pencils. Color pencils are a completely different category, and the jury is still out on whether I should allow myself to purchase more.

Gratitude

It is a difficult time for me now, on many levels.

Still, there is much to be grateful for. There are two robins' nests on my house right now. One on the front porch light (which we now are careful *not* to turn on) and one on the light for the big garage door (that "motion sensor light" has stopped working for years now. Need to fix that, post-robin season).

The first hatchlings are chirping next  to my door. The parent robins are irritated (every year) at our comings and goings out the door, yet they still return (every year) to build another nest.

It was warm enough, after work, for us to have a glass of wine on the deck before the DH headed off to a board meeting, before I headed off to meet my mom. It was warm enough, yet not too warm- the wasps stayed away, though we identified their nests.

A few days ago, I had to replace all four tires on the Bubbemobile, but I saw a deer browsing in my backyard.

At my mom's house, I saw a Baltimore oriole, so brilliant.

My lawn is vibrant with violets, dazzling with dandelions.

There are clouds, yet the sun leaks through, like promises of heaven.

There are these moments of beauty. I am grateful

"You have new notifications"

My cousin died the other day. I know because it was posted on Facebook.

It used to be that you would learn of the death of a friend or a family member from another friend or family member- a phone call was most common. Sometimes you might hear the news in person, if the deceased were especially close to you, so that the one delivering the message would be there, to offer you comfort.

Now, I learned of my cousin’s death in a post that was sandwiched between a cartoon pun and a sponsored ad for online learning.

Page down for pictures of a Friend’s latest restaurant meal and some ads to subscribe to the New York Times.

Such are the Times we live in.