Work: Third U and Byzantine U

 Adventures in Academia.

If you have been following my travails, you will recall that I have been ghosted by the Chairs/ Department heads at both Byzantine U (where I have taught for about 20 years, including my teaching fellowship on the way to my PhD) and Third U (where I have taught for at least 3 years). 

I emailed the (interim) department head of Third U one more time. I set the deadline of May 25, stating that if I hadn't heard from them, I would assume that there was no work for me there. I am part time faculty, without a union at that institution, so my work is only by the semester. Still, not having had word for months after multiple emails is frustrating.

May 25 came and went, and I never received an email. I kept checking my Third U email (I have a different email address at each institution), and eventually I noticed an email welcome and greeting from the new head of the department to the entire department (not to me specifically). This new head, of course, won't know me or anything about me.

Hmmm... still mad at the previous interim head for ghosting me, but I'm guessing he was relieved to be relieved, so to speak.

TOTALLY unprofessional behavior, nonetheless.

For Byzantine U, it's harder because I have a contract, and there is a Union, and the Interim Chair, if not the department, has pretty much ignored the contract. So I wrote to the Union Rep, as briefly as possible, reminding them of my situation and updating them that it's still crickets from the Chair. 

I heard back from the Union Rep, and they said that there's not much to do- but I should proceed with another email, this time cc:ing the Union Rep, and NOTING that I have cc:d the Union Rep, and stating  something like "According to our contract, when I return from a Leave of Absence, my course assignment rights are supposed to be unchanged. The union, which is CC'ed on this email, can confirm that fact." They recommended I give him a response deadline, and then follow up with the dean if I still didn't hear anything.  

So I did this. 

Funny thing, when I mentioned the Union Rep was also on the email, I heard back in about an hour! The interim chair wrote:  (excuses excuses) and I'll get back to you by June 1 (coincidentally the deadline I had given). And he did - half way through June 1, he emailed:

For Fall 24, we are going to utilize you in the [grad class I have never taught before].

UTILIZE! So, again a new class that I haven't ever taught before. *sigh* I will teach that one, and hopefully a spring one, and then I think I'm done.

I'm clearly not valued here.

At least, by administration. During this time, at least three different students, from different eras of my teaching, have reached out to say how outstanding I am, how much they learned from me, how much they valued me.

But, hey, they're "just students," so what does that matter?

95th Anniversary Event Part 2

 On May 19, a Sunday, the temple celebrated 95 (and more) years since its founding. After the Friday night dinner and Shabbat service, our Sunday celebration was more informal and fun. Char had worked hard on a narrative history accompanied by songs from the decades of TBE's existence. There was a slide show with slides of world events as well as temple events.

I was singing the Andrew's Sisters 1930s version of Bei Mir Bist du Shoen and the 1980s Burt Bacharach That's What Friends Are For a la Dionne Warwick. 

I was super nervous.

All in all, the event went well - but it was running long, and all of the singers had songs cut, so I did not sing That's What Friends Are For. 

Then we had ice cream and cake and punch.

Then our same team that did the clean up post-Friday night cleaned up again.

My friend, and the chair of the 95th committee, asked if I wanted to go out after clean up for a glass of wine. So we did.

It was good to take a moment to relax. The event was a lot of work, over a long time, and in the end it was a success. 

May 17- Updates on Stressors and The 95th Anniversary Event Part 1.

 This was a long day that accomplished much. A lot of stress, but on balance a good day.

The day before, Thursday, I called my brother CE in case he was available. I described the water problem. He said it should be a relatively easy fix, and one that he could do for me. He said he'd come over the next morning, Friday May 17.

Whew.

On Thursday also I worked my fanny off with other committee members for our big-deal 95th+ celebration: table cloths, table settings, storing excess coat racks and whiteboards, making things ready for a banquet and special worship service. LOTS of steps, exercise, work.

We worked extra hard, because as I noted in a previous post, I had learned that Ken's close friend JH was in the hospital, so his wife KH wasn't available to help as planned. AND, once I was at temple to start working, we learned that SH, who was also going to help, was not available because her mom was in the hospital...

So.

Friday.

My brother came early. I had coffee ready. We went downstairs. He said, yep, this is fixable, I can do it. Then he showed me where the bypass was and turned the valves and voilà I had running water! Hard water, of course, and I still can't do laundry until the pump is replaced, but it will happen. He's coming back Monday.

He left, and so did I, for my mammogram appointment. That went smoothly. Uncomfortable as always, but it went smoothly.

I had enough time to pop in to my house and walk my dog before heading to the temple to open up for the flower delivery. Once again, I was the only one really available with a key and a code to open the building. 

Flowers were supposed to be delivered at 2:00 pm. As I was driving, GPS said I would arrive at 1:41 PM. I was debating getting a drive through sandwich or something because I was HUNGRY but I decided no, I would wait. After I let people in maybe I would sneak out and grab something.

I arrived at 1:42 PM. 

The flowers, supposed to arrive at 2:00 PM, arrived at 1:51. 

Good thing I passed up the sandwich. I was the only one in the building to let them in.

The flowers were lovely. These arrangements above went in the sanctuary. The photo below shows the table settings we worked so hard on the day before, now completed with the floral arrangements.

Others of the committee arrived at 2:00 PM, and once I was confident most bases were covered, I left to go home, walk my dog, and get dressed and made up.

On the way home (around 2:30) I grabbed that sandwich.

I walked the dog, and made sure she had water, and got dressed and made up. I printed out a guide to the service so that I could stage manage. I printed out the most current table assignments (I truly despise table assignments, and I ended up doing the table assignments and also revising them because... that's how it fell out!). I headed over to the temple.

I helped punch out name tags.  I wasn't originally scheduled to sit at the greeter table, but I landed there and it was good that I did. We learned that JH and KH weren't coming, due to JH's hospital adventures. Another person confirmed they wouldn't be able to make it. Coming in to the event, we had 3 open seats of 64 place settings. These cancellations gave us 3 more. 

We ended up having 6 add ons!

Since I had the list of table assignments, I was able to place the newcomers efficiently. 

WHEW.

Dinner started more or less on time. We entered the sanctuary more or less on time. 

The service was lovely. 

The Oneg after the service found people visiting and table hopping and hobnobbing for over an hour. 

WHEW.

Now I need to practice my songs for tomorrow (The Event Part 2), so that I won't freak out, then get through tomorrow and hopefully find a more peaceful path through the next days and weeks. 

Mother's Day

 Posted a week later:

This day, May 12, essentially went according to plan. Amazing.

We planned to meet in Kalamazoo- close to halfway for those coming from Chicagoland and from Southeastern Michigan.

We found a dog-friendly restaurant with a patio and prayed for good weather.

We planned to include CM from South Carolina with a FaceTime call.

All those things happened.

My friend CR came to stay with my dog since I would be gone all day.

Son AJ and fiancée JJ drove me to Kzoo (since I had tire sensor and / or pressure issues with my car).

We all arrived at the restaurant at about the right time.  The weather was fine for outdoor dining. The dogs behaved. The grandkids gave snuggles. Auntie CM called and we passed the phone around the table and everyone had a chance to chat.

The food was good.

The weather stayed fine and we found a dog friendly playground nearby and kids and canines all had a an opportunity to stretch their legs and enjoy the fresh air.*

It was really lovely, and it filled my heart.

My son JE and family drove me back to their house after, so I could meet cute foster kittens and get my car and drive home.

The gift from all the kids was a quilt made from Ken's tee shirts. A gift of warmth, comfort, and good memories.

*Remind me to tell you about the child at the playground that seemed to be angling to be adopted by our family!

I want to quit it all

 Today's update: I still have no water in the house. I have checked the outside faucet, and it still has water. So I am hopeful it is not a well problem.

Caveat: I didn't run the outside faucet for LONG. I want to get a bucket first, so I can capture the water.

I have lots of distilled water. I maintain several gallons so that I don't run out for my CPAP machine. If the outside water is fine, my dog and I are fine for a few days.

Here are my major scream issues:

House: no water, messy basement and utility room, no trusted experts. I'm hoping some friends and / or my nephew can help me diagnose before I bring in professionals and start that expense.

Timing: This weekend is the big-deal 95th anniversary celebration for my temple. I am committed to work on it all this afternoon, all tomorrow afternoon/ evening, and all Sunday afternoon. Then, due to health concerns for my family down south, I have travel coming up next week. I have limited time windows to get this fixed!

OTHER stresses: I still have heard nothing regarding my employment for the Fall academic courses at either Byzantine U or Third University. I have sent my fourth and final email to Third U, stating that if I haven't heard by May 25, I will assume I have no work upcoming there. 

Byzantine U is more complicated. I have a contract. I've been receiving ZERO responses from the Interim Chair there. I am the highest seniority Part Time Faculty there, and I should have been offered a course this Spring and next Fall, if any were available for Part Time Faculty.

Checking the schedule of courses, I have noted that both Spring and Fall courses in Intro to Theatre (for which I am eligible) have been assigned to another Part Time Faculty.

I am angry and frustrated. I feel I am due the courtesy of a response. I don't want to work in a hostile environment, and I don't want to kick out another PTF who may be struggling as well. On the other hand, I am mindful of and grateful for the work the Union has done to provide some measure of job security for part time faculty. I don't want my contract, or any contract, to be ignored.

I truly am uncertain about how to proceed with this. 

MORE stress: I just found out via email that another one of Ken's poker group- his tightest friend group for more than 25 years- has been hospitalized.

Once I wrap up this post, I'm going to get dressed, try to clean out the laundry room, and send up some signal flares to friends for help diagnosing the water/ pump/ issue. I'll head out to work at temple, then say SCREW IT and go out for a while with my sister.

I can only do what I can do.

No water

 So I thought it was just the basement pump. My laundry is in the basement, so there is a pump to the water out of the laundry tub (when the washing machine spins out the water). The water has to pump up. We've been in the house almost 35 years, and I think this is the second pump, and it's had some patchwork repairs. 

So when I saw that there was standing water in the laundry tub, I figured oh well, it needs another patch job. 

But I couldn't get it to manually turn on. 

And it smelled sort of funny.

Uh-oh. 

I figured the pump is burned out. I'd heard it running more than usual. 

It's old. I guess I will have to replace it. It's going to be $200-$300 and I will have to see if I can pay my nephew or (gulp) find a handy person.

I unplugged the pump and the washing machine and the dryer and the water softener. 

Then I read up on it, and I shouldn't turn off the water softener. I should just bypass it. 

I spent a few hours trying to track down the model number of the water softener, then trying to figure out from the diagrams etc how to shift it to bypass.

On the way, I have duly noted that the water softener is WAY past due for maintenance- change of filter AT LEAST. 

Also, the entire laundry room is so dirty. Low priority, haven't been down there, I'm depressed, ya da ya da.

I *tried* to figure out which valves were to be turned which way to do the by pass mode. 

And now I have no water at all.

It's late, I have an overbooked schedule for the next several days AND I'm supposed to go out of town next week for a week.

I don't know if I have accidentally turned off the water entirely (I don't think so), or if a circuit is blown (I will try to check next), or if (PLEASE NO) the well pump has burned out. I don't THINK so- why would it coincide with the little pump under the laundry tub?

Anyway, it is now approaching midnight, I just want to cry. I am hoping that the laundry room won't flood- if the water comes back on, and I *haven't* got the water softener on bypass. I am hoping this is a quick fix that isn't too expensive.

The good news is that I have several gallons of distilled water so that my dog and I can drink water. 

Tomorrow morning I will see if the outside faucets work. I will make some phone calls. 

I am really tired, and I don't want to have to figure this stuff out by myself. 

May 7

 Tuesday May 7 would have been Ken's 75th birthday, and it was tough, and honestly, it's just one milestone after another lately- it feels nonstop. 

Son AJ came to be with me for the week. He came in Monday night, taking the train to Ann Arbor (actually, he tried to take the train to Ann Arbor- Amtrak's direct route was interrupted and Amtrak put all the passengers on a bus in Battle Creek- why can't we have bullet trains like all the other countries?) and son JE and I and JE's family picked him up from the station. We all went out to dinner. AJ and I came home to my house.

The next day was Tuesday, Ken's birthday. My recent theme of "nothing goes according to plan but somehow we make do" continued. We (AJ and I, JE and his kids) had *planned* on going to a minor league game- the Toledo Mudhens, Ken's native Toledo and a farm team of Ken's beloved Tigers. There were thunderstorm predictions, and tornado warnings, and although we kept watching the weather, we made the wise decision not to go to the minor league game.

We all (the kids and I) did some different things. BI shared memories with her family at breakfast, ate some of Ken's favorite foods, had a run, took a sunset walk with a friend, had a Chivas nightcap with her spouse- not her favorite beverage, but Ken's. CM and KG went to a minor league game near where she is in South Carolina.

We all gathered on Zoom to share some favorite happier memories about Ken around lunchtime, as many were working. I mentioned the first birthday gift I gave him. One by one, the others shared some memories too. CM shared the last story, a hilarious reminiscence of Ken walking with her and talking, and talking so randomly- and letting loose a stream of farts that he had hoped his conversation would cover!

In Michigan, AJ and I cleared the cupboards of some of Ken's favorite foods that I don't care for and also stopped at the grocery store to buy some of Ken's other favorites- like licorice, that I don't like- and also some Hershey's kisses (because, hey, maybe the people at the food bank don't like licorice either) and then we brought the bags of goodies to a local food pantry. 

We drove by the school where Ken used to work, and took pictures of the tree that the school planted in his memory. It is in leaf now. We shared the pictures with the other kids.

AJ and I went out to the Coney Island restaurant that Ken liked for lunch, and I had what Ken always described as their "world famous homemade corned beef hash and eggs" and AJ had veggie hash- as close as a gluten free vegetarian could get. 

As JE's work day was winding up, AJ and I drove back to Ann Arbor. The rain had let up (although it was predicted to come back- and did, with a vengeance) so AJ, I, and all of JE's family went for a long walk around the neighborhood. When we came back to JE's house, we ordered pizza (gluten free for AJ) and had dinner together.

The storm raged all around us, but no tornadoes in Ann Arbor.

While we were having dinner, we traded some stories about Ken. AJ and JE were able to bond and reminisce about how Ken was not a good cook- at all. They both shared the horror of the memory of when Ken made them leftovers (combined): macaroni and cheese combined with tunafish heated in the microwave! JE's spouse JP laughed out loud for a while at that!

After dinner, we played a few different games all together.

It was a very typical family gathering that Ken would have loved.

AJ and I headed back home, and chatted through the hour long drive. 

The next day, AJ and I found time to go to Ken's (and my) favorite local ice cream shop.

We all had some tears and also some smiles and even laughter. It was good to touch base with each other.

Milestones still ahead- Mother's Day tomorrow, Father's Day next month, July 4th family gathering as well as my birthday, CM's, and EC's. August will be unveiling Ken's grave marker.

And then it will be September 9, a year.

May Day

 It seems odd that the phrase May Day is both a date for a fun, sometimes riotous spring holiday, and also a distress call. 

Both seem applicable. 

The world is blooming. Violets are scattered across my lawn, and dandelions, some going to seed, some still blooming. Dead nettle and clover. My lilacs are blooming. The gentle shy green of new leaves is softening the silhouettes of the trees in my yard.

The sun is rising earlier, setting later. Warm days more often than cold. 

New life.

I am still working on reconciling myself to the reality of Ken's death.

I went to see a house. I went with my sister. She said that since I've been obsessing about this house for a month or so, we may as well go see it. She confessed later that she'd anticipated that seeing the house for real would let me get over my obsessive checking of it on Zillow.

After we toured the house, she was almost as in love with it as I was. Brick and ivy covered. It has a magnificent back yard, with privacy fencing and a big deck- and a second floor deck as well. Clean plaster walls, exposed beams in the ceiling, closets, a sauna.

Wow!

For about a day, I was convinced I would buy this house.

Then, I started talking myself out of it. Yes, I could buy it- probably cash- but could I afford the upkeep? I don't clean- how would I keep it clean? What if it needs something expensive- a new roof? Plumbing issues?

It's in Flint!

It's huge- almost two and a half times my present home. 

But I could rent space to people to cover the costs of utilities...

But there's so many stairs...

*sigh*

The jury is still out. I don't think I will buy it (today, May 8- on May 5 I was ready to make an offer).

I feel suspended between new life and old, blooming and distress calls.

It's getting harder, gifts, and a good day

 It's getting harder. 

The first few weeks and months after Ken died are a blur. I'm glad I wrote things down, and kept emails and texts, because my memory was/is unreliable. I was in denial, nothing was real, all was surreal. 

Those blurred months changed to months when I had so many tasks to accomplish that I kept moving and kept functioning. I hurt, but at the same time I still felt that numbness. Also, in a strange way, Ken was still so present in my life. 

I do not feel him so strongly now.

It's becoming more real now. 

************

The above was from April 14, 2024. It is now two weeks later and two weeks harder.

I don't know if I can keep doing this. It's too hard.

I'm trying to remember the gifts, and the good day, from this title. 

A friend wrote: I'm touching base because I know that you are approaching a tough couple of months of "firsts." 

I answered: We are not approaching a couple of rough months, we are in them for sure. April 5 was my wedding anniversary. April 23 started Passover, which has been a challenge for all of us. In a week and a half, it will be May 7, which would have been Ken's 75th birthday. May 12 is Mother's Day, June Father's Day, July my birthday and daughter CM's and grandchild E's, and then August- a month that Ken and I would have spent with daughter BI's family, August- the month of unveiling of his memorial stone, and then it will be September.

And then year 2.

The start of these particular rough months of firsts was early April.  I had a trip with my friend SR. She flew in from North Carolina to be with me on my first anniversary without my love. 

 We went to Holland, Michigan, just to be somewhere different. Pampered ourselves. Cried some, laughed some.

We went to a hotel with a hot tub and pool. We took turns taking each other out for delicious meals. We pampered ourselves with manicures, ice cream, wine flights. 

We laughed a little, wept a little, reminded each other that there is still love in the world. We went out to dinner with live music. We toasted to love and friendship and supporting each other as we find a way forward. 

When we got back, there was a gift from my Illinois kids. They had sent flowers- carnations- for my anniversary.

They had worried that the flowers would be damaged, as they were on my doorstep for a day and night before I arrived.

It (almost) always snows on my early April anniversary. It did this year.

The flowers, tight buds, were fine. Sheltered on my porch, and insulated in their cardboard box, they survived just fine.

As the days - and then weeks- went by, the tight buds opened and bloomed.

Maybe the good day was when SR and I toasted to friendship. Maybe the gift was the flowers. 

Remembering another gift of flowers, from Ken- and then from daughter CM and our friend KG. When I came home from Chicagoland August 31- it would be my last night spent sleeping with Ken- he had a bouquet of flowers waiting for me. The bouquet was there in my empty house the long week that we camped in motels near the hospital. The bouquet was joined by other flowers and plants after Ken died, after the funeral, after shiva.

After the funeral, CM and KG were thoughtful enough to dry those flowers, and preserve them in a frame.

Back to the current month: Once back from my trip with SR, and SR on her flight back to NC, I traveled with my son JE and family to Oregon, Ohio to see the total eclipse. Terrible hotel, wonderful to experience the totality.

Then I was prepping for an International Shabbat April 12, on Zoom in 8 different spoken languages plus ASL (different languages in different parts, except the Shema in all the languages).

A band concert for grandchild JD on April 16; a conversion ceremony for a friend on the 18th. Final classes, grading papers, grading finals.

Passover. It's still in Passover. Had the Congregational Seder Friday night- it was my FOURTH Seder, and I was essentially in charge, stressed, and Sedered-OUT.

Yesterday my nephew WH came over and did some yard work for me. I gave him our chest freezer in the fall, as he hunts deer and fishes and they needed it for their food storage. In exchange, he was going to do the yard work. He cleared out the weeds/ growth all around the perimeter of the house 8-12 inches- including taking down a number of bushes/ trees/ vines that were crowding the A/C unit and giving roadways for rodents to access the attic. 

Now I have to get motivated to put down weed-suppressing fabric, and stones, to keep it clear!

I am feeling guilty because I missed my friend CR's orchestra concert last night. I literally forgot until it was an hour past the start time. To be fair to me, I don't think WH had left by the start time, and - another wrinkle- I had a call from my dad that morning that his wife DH was in the hospital with appendicitis.

She had the surgery yesterday afternoon, and is recovering. I exchanged Wordles with her this morning. Her daughter RL flew in to hang with Dad and DH during recovery.

I still feel guilty that I didn't go to the concert- but I'm somewhat relieved that I forgot, because the last time I went to one of her concerts it was with Ken, and I also was all peopled-out yesterday. Today, too, to a certain extent.

I have completed grading for the one class I had at Third U- a win. Got to count them when I have them.

I currently have no idea if I have any teaching gigs in the future. At Third U, the professor that wanted to teach "my" class Fall 2023 "one more time" before retiring* is listed as teaching again for Fall 2024, and I am listed for "my" class at Third U Winter 2025- on campus. Since I expect to be traveling and/or moving, I have no interest in teaching on campus. I have an inquiry in to the Chair about what all this means, but have as yet received no response.

Byzantine U is another painful mystery. I was checking the Byzantine U site, and discovered that a Part Time Faculty with less seniority than I is listed as teaching one of "my" online courses Fall 2024. I should have been offered that class. I wrote to the chair (yes, the same one who said in November-ish, how are you doing? So sorry for your loss! BTW, you won't be teaching Winter 2024 due to tenured faculty...) and said to him, since my leave of absence ends April 30, is there a Spring class for me? A Fall class?

No response yet. 

I am conflicted about both. It may be time, I don't know, for me to stop teaching- but I would like that to have been my decision. I would have hoped to at least teach Fall 2024- for the $$ and also for the identity, the continuity, to finish out the year. If I have to fight for the classes, and / or bump other faculty, or if it's a hostile work environment, it is simply not worth it. Or at least I feel that way at the moment. I may fight the fight anyway, with the Union, for the sake of other union members. 

I don't know... I am so ambivalent, conflicted, frustrated.

I'm leading services- in person- this Friday night. *sigh* Hoping to line up others for the rest of May and most of June. 

Son AJ is coming in a week from Monday (May 6)  to be with me- and hopefully son JE- on Tuesday, Ken's birthday. We hope to go to a Mudhen's game. AJ will stay the week, and then we will travel to Kalamazoo for Mother's Day with JE and family, with BI and family, and AJ's love JP, joining us from Chicago land. JP will drive AJ home from our Kalamazoo visit. 

Daughter CM is bouncing around- sometimes in South Carolina, sometimes camping, sometimes volunteering. Homeless, like me. I have a house, but no home.

I am worried about losing connections with my friends, with my family. I see JE usually once a week, when I go in on Mondays for grandchild LC- we talk some, but he is hurting but not communicating about many of the questions that I have. Daughter BI texts pix of the kids, but I haven't really had calls or Zooms. AJ calls once a week, determined to check in. CM sometimes texts, and we call about once a week- we are both hurting. 

We are all so protective of each other, trying not to impose our pain on each other. We have yet to grieve all together, in one place, since September. Thanksgiving, JE missed due to Covid. In March, Spring break, JE and kids came to Chicagoland but CM was in Guatemala.

Another friend texted: Hope you are letting your support in... so many are here for you.

I know this is true, but though many want to help it is not necessarily in the ways that I need help. The friend who texted would like me to come to stay in her cottage by the beach. She, and many others, would like to spend time with me and offer emotional support. I do need that, yes, but I also need help in boxing up clothes and dishes, and help with deciding what to ditch, donate, repurpose, hold on to. I need help figuring out what happens next.

I am also struggling because I don't know where I will live. Not here, not for much longer. BI and JE have each said I can live with them- but I still feel a need for autonomy.  I can't afford my own place in near either of their more affluent communities. My temple community is near me, not too far to move, and not too expensive- but the temple is diminishing as many of the members are moving to be closer to grandkids or for retirement communities.

I'm a mess. My house is a mess. I am struggling, and some days I just don't know WHY I should keep struggling. It is all so much effort, it is so hard, and there seems to be little purpose for it. 

I am having trouble looking forward.

I am having trouble finding a good reason to look forward.

It's getting harder.

*************

 

* You may remember the professor taking back the Third U class Fall 2023 ended up as a blessing in disguise, as that happened before Ken went into the hospital, and I had therefore only the two Byzantine U classes- asynchronous and online. The asynchronous online classes have been a great boon to my mental health, grounding me with tasks and deadlines- although, of course, not without their stresses.

Random words while grieving.

This was from 12/25/2023.

I have been writing every day for the past two weeks, although not posting every day. I'm going to try to keep writing, charting my progress.

Tears

I walk my dog and I weep

Secret tears fall while I sleep

I miss you

When they ask if I'm okay

What the hell should I say?

I miss you

People marvel, You're so strong

I don't correct them, they're not wrong

But that is not what this is....

This is...

Something else