Journal through menus

From March 9 2025 - with post script after my dad died March 21 2025:

I've mentioned before that when the going gets rough, I make food. It is how I show I care; more, it is how I cope.

As my dad is in home hospice care, as he is dying, it is hard to cope.  So I have attempted to record my recent journey by journaling through menus. 

Making food and sweeping floors and shopping and visiting- all these little actions are love. Love is an active verb.

My siblings- Sister D and Brother C  - and I received messages that seemed that our dad's situation was urgent in late January 2025. We all changed our plans (which had been later dates, and staggered- Sister D and Brother C going ahead, Brother C flying home and Sister D staying when I drove to join her mid February) to leave sooner and go together.

It's a long trip from our Michigan homes to dad and his wife DW's home in Alabama near Mobile.

We drove first to our cousin's house in Murfreesboro, TN. We brought a small Sander's bumpy cake for them, and hid the large bumpy cake we brought for our dad and his wife DW. (Bumpy cake tends to disappear in our family!)

Jan 25- We were arriving around dinner time to our cousin's house and our cousin SL had offered to make spaghetti. When we got to Murfreesboro, Sister D noticed the hard financial times for them, so we ordered Chinese take out for them. We thought we ordered enough that there would be leftovers. Almost all was scarfed up! Cousin S & her son K updated us on the on-again/off-again adoption of Cousin S's grandchild KL. It's on again. No idea what to pray for there, as the prospective adopting family is unstable and unpredictable, and Cousin S's health is in no way compatible with raising a challenging 5 year old.

Jan 26 - We left the next morning early enough to arrive in Daphne AL by late lunch/early dinner. Our dad's wife, DW, had made chili and her daughter RL had made cornbread. We greeted our dad in his hospital bed in the living room. We figured out sleeping arrangements.

Dad's wife DW had been sleeping on the couch in the living room, which was her preference, to be near my dad. Her daughter RL and RL's partner J used the double bed in the upstairs bedroom. My sister and I took the twin beds in the other bedroom upstairs, and my brother camped out in a recliner in the living room with Dad and his wife. It was cramped, to say the least.

Jan 27 - We were still settling in, and it was still a large group, with RL and her partner J. We learned the routines of trying to tempt Dad to eat something, of shifting him higher in the hospital bed so he could sit up, of how to lift him to his feet and onto the seat of his rolling walker to bring him to the bathroom. Who had time to cook? Instead we ordered Thai food take out, because the Chinese take out is closed on Mondays. 

Jan 28 - Tuesday. Unfortunately I can't remember everything! I made spinach quiche for breakfast, that I remember. RL and partner J were still staying, as they were closing on a house in the same neighborhood as Dad's house. 

Soon after this, Sister D handled breakfast for everyone just about every morning.

Jan 29 -  Wednesday. RL and J headed back to Michigan. My sticky buns are a favorite, so I had started the dough the previous evening. I got up early to finish the buns for breakfast; but I was coming down with my first ever migraine. When Sister D came downstairs, I handed the task over to her and headed upstairs and back to bed.  I slept until 1:00 in the afternoon.

Jan 30 The next day I made favorite comfort foods: Meat loaf and mashed potatoes, green beans. 

Jan 31 Crock pots are the best! I made beef stew and we had sour dough bread to sop up the juices.

Feb 1 On Saturday, DW's son RF and his spouse JF came to visit. My brother and sister and I had our day out; we drove the long route to Orange Beach. We had lunch at the Pink Pony, then found a new bar on our way back, quite near in Fairhope. It's the Tongue and Groove Drinkery. Great bartender who dug up free merch for us. 

Feb 2  RF and JF had spent the night at their aunt's, DW's sister, who lives in the same neighborhood. They came back for more visiting. My favorite oldest daughter, BI, came for a quick visit between book events in the south, promoting her new novel. Dad was alert and asked about her book and the events. My brother C left to visit his friend in Florida for a while that afternoon. I made poached chicken breast on noodles with steamed broccoli.

Feb 3 I was feeling like comfort food. I made goulash sort of like my mom used to make. I used elbow macaroni, tomato sauce, garlic, ground beef- I kept some separate for me, then added Velveeta to the rest. This was lunch and snacks for the next couple of days.

Feb 4 Sister D made nachos- one cheese only for me, and ground beef and cheese for everyone else. Lots of veggies!

Feb 5 Wednesday - I drove brother C to the airport. He flew home to Michigan, and Sister D and I stayed in Alabama assisting DW and our Dad. We ladies like vegetarian cooking just as well, so Sister D made Stuffed Green Peppers. 

Feb 6  - We were feeling tired and not up for cooking, so we just boiled some hot dogs. This was not to Sister D's liking, so she skipped dinner.

Feb 7 We had some chicken still, so Sister D made Chicken Chili Soup & Salad.

Feb 8 DW's granddaughter CP and her spouse DP came to visit. Sister D and I arranged a Charcuterie board lunch for them and then we took off so they would be able to have their own time with Dad. Sister D and I went out and about, and found a beautiful restaurant located at a marina with pet-friendly patio dining and delicious cocktails.

We came back for the mac-n-cheese, green bean casserole, and salad we had prepped for all.

On Sunday Feb 9 I made Roast Chicken, baked potatoes, green bean casserole, salad.

On Feb 10 Sister D Chicken Quesadillas with the leftover chicken.

On Feb 11 with the leftover chicken carcass and chicken, I made Chicken noodle soup.

On Feb 12 I made Beef stroganoff - I kept some separate so I didn't add the sour cream for my portion, since I don't combine beef and cheese.

On Feb 13 Sister D made home made Chicken pot pie which was delicious!

On Feb 14  - ore somewhere around there- I made To Die For Blueberry Muffins. We shared them with Dad's visiting nurse! It was Valentine's Day. Sister D and I went thrift shopping for curtains and curtain rods to make my dad a makeshift bathroom next to his bed. It was Valentine's Day, so we gave each other chocolate treats and ordered Chinese Take Out.

Feb 15- Saturday- Sister D made English muffins with egg and turkey sausage patties and used up leftover potatoes. DW made salmon in parchment with asparagus and dill. We watched movies: An Unfinished Life and Carry On. We tried the curtain commode. Failed. Dad had a rough night.

On Feb 16 Sunday I made Broccoli Cheese soup to have ready for my daughter CM who came for a short visit.

Feb 17-  We went out for lunch, and had a light grazing supper. Daughter CM had time with Sister D, time with me, and we gave DW a break too!

Feb 18- Charcuterie board was a great idea, and we still had all the ingredients.

Feb 19- Pizza. You can't cook every day!

Feb 20- Chicken Parmesan- My sister D and I collaborated on this and we made a lot so DW would have meals ready for her daughter  RL who was coming for a visit..

Feb 21- Meatloaf- back to comfort food. I made a double batch- some for right away, and some to freeze.

Feb 22 - Spinach quiche- this is an all time favorite for the family.

Feb 25 I have a record of making noodles and broccoli.

Then we went home for a couple of weeks. Sister D and I both had appointments with doctors and other housekeeping issues back home. We got caught up with bills and with yard work and I did some more packing- through all this, I was trying to get my house ready to list. I was suspended between Ann Arbor with my new condo, where I had my bed and my clothes and not much else, and Holly and our old house of 35 years that I needed to pack up, spruce up, and sell.

Which you can't do from Alabama when your old home and new are in Michigan!

While we were back in Michigan, DW's daughter RL was back and helping. My brother and his wife drove back down. His wife stayed a few days, then flew back to Michigan;  Brother C stayed. 

About two weeks later, we headed back to Alabama. My sister and I traveled together in her truck, and my dog stayed with my son JE and his family.

As ever, my sister's dog traveled with us.

We went by way of South Carolina this time, to visit my daughter CM and bring her a few things as she settled into her new home and I was divesting from my old home.

On the way, we were rear-ended which ended up totaling my sister's truck, and added to all of our stress for the rest of our journey,  as we now had to drive back with my brother in his truck when we eventually headed home.

Still, Sister D and I and daughter CM decided to have a girls night out- because we sure could use one!

We were warned that my dad was deteriorating. He was now eating almost nothing. He had lost even more weight. 

And he no longer got out of bed. He was wearing disposable underwear, and had to be changed and cleaned by us. It was a two person job.

I don't remember everything in those next two weeks or so. We were back on March 10 or 11. 

He died on March 21.

All three of his kids, his wife DW and her son RF were all there as he took his last breath. 

Learning from loss: The first half of the 2020s.

Paging through this blog, I found the draft of the post I started about my mom's death, in October of 2021.

Since that time, two close friends from our temple family died- one expected (RG, octogenarian), the other a shock (mid 60s). 

My dad's brother-in-law died in April 2023.

My aunt died in April 2023. 

Ken died in September of 2023.

A year before my mom's death, my dad had a stroke. His recovery was amazing: no cognitive loss, no speech loss. He wasn't able to drive anymore- his navigational sense was gone, his peripheral vision was affected. In the years after his stroke, he has gradually lost strength and mobility.

At this moment, my dad is not doing well; he has pulmonary fibrosis. This will be what ends his life, almost certainly: in months or maybe a year or two. 

Another friend has been diagnosed with an invasive breast cancer.

There is war in Europe, war in the Mideast.

We have not recovered from the pandemic. 

The recovery efforts from Hurricane Helene are ongoing- or suspended in some areas, as Hurricane Milton approaches.

The 2020s have not been kind thus far; I pray that personally and globally we are able to mourn, let go, and find some positive paths forward. 

There has been joy, too; I am hoping to visit joyful memories and plans soon. Today, though, I found this post.

My mother died on Monday, October 4, 2021.  She died on the 11th anniversary of my daughter's miraculous survival of a terrifying accident.

Death is both expected and unexpected. My mom had been in declining health for some time. Yet she had rallied so many times from so many close calls that we almost expected another recovery. She had breast cancer in 2005. A heart attack, complicated by an allergic reaction and renal failure, in 2010. She was in the hospital every other month in 2011 with spinal surgeries, pulmonary embolism, pneumonia. She had a partial hip replacement.

The Covid pandemic was hard on everyone; my mom had to deal with radiation and chemo treatment for lung cancer in the summer of 2021. 

Every illness and its treatment, every surgery and recovery, was harder than the last. There were so many losses. Mom lost her ability to drive. She lost mobility. She lost so much agency- she lived sometimes with me, sometimes with my sister. 

She was bitter, often, and angry at the cards she'd been dealt. 

I can't really blame her; how could I? Her losses were undeniable. 

I'm trying to learn from my mom, learn from my dad, learn from my dad's wife. How do we move forward from these losses and find satisfaction in later life?

I compare my mom's aging with my dad's aging. Until my dad had his stroke, he and his wife DW were active- physically, socially. They had friends and outings and made regular trips to the library.

It was different with my mom. Once she stopped driving, and even more when she moved out of her own home. My mom didn't want to go anywhere. She didn't want to see anyone- her social circle grew smaller and smaller.

She just wanted me, or my sister, to hang out with her, or take her places. Not my brother as much- she didn't want to "impose" on him.

She was angry at her failing body. She was saying "NO" to any suggestion that might make life more enjoyable. Join a book club! Go to senior center for lunch! Pick up a hobby! Visit a friend!

No, no, no.

Partly it was vanity. She didn't want anyone seeing her "like this." She would refuse to use her walker or cane going in to the doctor's office, using my arm instead.

Until she had to use a wheelchair.

My mom was angry and bitter and, in my view, didn't take advantage of the opportunities she did have. She had friends, she was close to a senior center and could make more friends! 

I try not to judge. I don't know what her pain level was, or how much she worried about falling, getting bumped by kids or others in crowded spaces.

I do think about what *I* would want for myself in that situation. I try to see what the difference is between my mom and my dad.

Until this past year, my dad was positive and kept as active as he could, post stroke. Even now, with his mobility severely compromised, he doesn't complain much. You can see on his face his grief about his current limitations, his dependence on others; yet he expresses gratitude.

His hearing loss is profound, and it is harder now for him to stay engaged. He's ready to let go, I think. I am not ready for this; selfishly, I hope he will hang on for a while longer.

I'm writing around and around what I want to say.

One difference between my mom and dad is that my dad has an active and positive partner. His wife DW remains upbeat and keeps moving forward.

I had that, until Ken died.

I'm trying to learn from my parents, from the world. 

I want to stay active. I want to do my part to heal the world, and heal myself. I want to be able to acknowledge that I can only do what I can do, and be at peace that I am doing my part, and my part is not all the healing that is needed, it is not all the work that is needed.

There are others to do the work, too; or not. 

I can only do my part.

I am also trying to keep my social network strong. My mom's world shrank to needy dependence on her kids. I don't want that for my kids and I don't want that for myself.

Maybe I will return to this and make it more coherent. Maybe as we move into a new year- we are now in the first week of the Jewish New Year of 5785- I will find a clearer path forward.

For now, I will try to stay open to what new possibilities there are. I will try to say "Yes, and" to life, rather than "No, but."

May 7

 Tuesday May 7 would have been Ken's 75th birthday, and it was tough, and honestly, it's just one milestone after another lately- it feels nonstop. 

Son AJ came to be with me for the week. He came in Monday night, taking the train to Ann Arbor (actually, he tried to take the train to Ann Arbor- Amtrak's direct route was interrupted and Amtrak put all the passengers on a bus in Battle Creek- why can't we have bullet trains like all the other countries?) and son JE and I and JE's family picked him up from the station. We all went out to dinner. AJ and I came home to my house.

The next day was Tuesday, Ken's birthday. My recent theme of "nothing goes according to plan but somehow we make do" continued. We (AJ and I, JE and his kids) had *planned* on going to a minor league game- the Toledo Mudhens, Ken's native Toledo and a farm team of Ken's beloved Tigers. There were thunderstorm predictions, and tornado warnings, and although we kept watching the weather, we made the wise decision not to go to the minor league game.

We all (the kids and I) did some different things. BI shared memories with her family at breakfast, ate some of Ken's favorite foods, had a run, took a sunset walk with a friend, had a Chivas nightcap with her spouse- not her favorite beverage, but Ken's. CM and KG went to a minor league game near where she is in South Carolina.

We all gathered on Zoom to share some favorite happier memories about Ken around lunchtime, as many were working. I mentioned the first birthday gift I gave him. One by one, the others shared some memories too. CM shared the last story, a hilarious reminiscence of Ken walking with her and talking, and talking so randomly- and letting loose a stream of farts that he had hoped his conversation would cover!

In Michigan, AJ and I cleared the cupboards of some of Ken's favorite foods that I don't care for and also stopped at the grocery store to buy some of Ken's other favorites- like licorice, that I don't like- and also some Hershey's kisses (because, hey, maybe the people at the food bank don't like licorice either) and then we brought the bags of goodies to a local food pantry. 

We drove by the school where Ken used to work, and took pictures of the tree that the school planted in his memory. It is in leaf now. We shared the pictures with the other kids.

AJ and I went out to the Coney Island restaurant that Ken liked for lunch, and I had what Ken always described as their "world famous homemade corned beef hash and eggs" and AJ had veggie hash- as close as a gluten free vegetarian could get. 

As JE's work day was winding up, AJ and I drove back to Ann Arbor. The rain had let up (although it was predicted to come back- and did, with a vengeance) so AJ, I, and all of JE's family went for a long walk around the neighborhood. When we came back to JE's house, we ordered pizza (gluten free for AJ) and had dinner together.

The storm raged all around us, but no tornadoes in Ann Arbor.

While we were having dinner, we traded some stories about Ken. AJ and JE were able to bond and reminisce about how Ken was not a good cook- at all. They both shared the horror of the memory of when Ken made them leftovers (combined): macaroni and cheese combined with tunafish heated in the microwave! JE's spouse JP laughed out loud for a while at that!

After dinner, we played a few different games all together.

It was a very typical family gathering that Ken would have loved.

AJ and I headed back home, and chatted through the hour long drive. 

The next day, AJ and I found time to go to Ken's (and my) favorite local ice cream shop.

We all had some tears and also some smiles and even laughter. It was good to touch base with each other.

Milestones still ahead- Mother's Day tomorrow, Father's Day next month, July 4th family gathering as well as my birthday, CM's, and EC's. August will be unveiling Ken's grave marker.

And then it will be September 9, a year.

May Day

 It seems odd that the phrase May Day is both a date for a fun, sometimes riotous spring holiday, and also a distress call. 

Both seem applicable. 

The world is blooming. Violets are scattered across my lawn, and dandelions, some going to seed, some still blooming. Dead nettle and clover. My lilacs are blooming. The gentle shy green of new leaves is softening the silhouettes of the trees in my yard.

The sun is rising earlier, setting later. Warm days more often than cold. 

New life.

I am still working on reconciling myself to the reality of Ken's death.

I went to see a house. I went with my sister. She said that since I've been obsessing about this house for a month or so, we may as well go see it. She confessed later that she'd anticipated that seeing the house for real would let me get over my obsessive checking of it on Zillow.

After we toured the house, she was almost as in love with it as I was. Brick and ivy covered. It has a magnificent back yard, with privacy fencing and a big deck- and a second floor deck as well. Clean plaster walls, exposed beams in the ceiling, closets, a sauna.

Wow!

For about a day, I was convinced I would buy this house.

Then, I started talking myself out of it. Yes, I could buy it- probably cash- but could I afford the upkeep? I don't clean- how would I keep it clean? What if it needs something expensive- a new roof? Plumbing issues?

It's in Flint!

It's huge- almost two and a half times my present home. 

But I could rent space to people to cover the costs of utilities...

But there's so many stairs...

*sigh*

The jury is still out. I don't think I will buy it (today, May 8- on May 5 I was ready to make an offer).

I feel suspended between new life and old, blooming and distress calls.

It's getting harder, gifts, and a good day

 It's getting harder. 

The first few weeks and months after Ken died are a blur. I'm glad I wrote things down, and kept emails and texts, because my memory was/is unreliable. I was in denial, nothing was real, all was surreal. 

Those blurred months changed to months when I had so many tasks to accomplish that I kept moving and kept functioning. I hurt, but at the same time I still felt that numbness. Also, in a strange way, Ken was still so present in my life. 

I do not feel him so strongly now.

It's becoming more real now. 

************

The above was from April 14, 2024. It is now two weeks later and two weeks harder.

I don't know if I can keep doing this. It's too hard.

I'm trying to remember the gifts, and the good day, from this title. 

A friend wrote: I'm touching base because I know that you are approaching a tough couple of months of "firsts." 

I answered: We are not approaching a couple of rough months, we are in them for sure. April 5 was my wedding anniversary. April 23 started Passover, which has been a challenge for all of us. In a week and a half, it will be May 7, which would have been Ken's 75th birthday. May 12 is Mother's Day, June Father's Day, July my birthday and daughter CM's and grandchild E's, and then August- a month that Ken and I would have spent with daughter BI's family, August- the month of unveiling of his memorial stone, and then it will be September.

And then year 2.

The start of these particular rough months of firsts was early April.  I had a trip with my friend SR. She flew in from North Carolina to be with me on my first anniversary without my love. 

 We went to Holland, Michigan, just to be somewhere different. Pampered ourselves. Cried some, laughed some.

We went to a hotel with a hot tub and pool. We took turns taking each other out for delicious meals. We pampered ourselves with manicures, ice cream, wine flights. 

We laughed a little, wept a little, reminded each other that there is still love in the world. We went out to dinner with live music. We toasted to love and friendship and supporting each other as we find a way forward. 

When we got back, there was a gift from my Illinois kids. They had sent flowers- carnations- for my anniversary.

They had worried that the flowers would be damaged, as they were on my doorstep for a day and night before I arrived.

It (almost) always snows on my early April anniversary. It did this year.

The flowers, tight buds, were fine. Sheltered on my porch, and insulated in their cardboard box, they survived just fine.

As the days - and then weeks- went by, the tight buds opened and bloomed.

Maybe the good day was when SR and I toasted to friendship. Maybe the gift was the flowers. 

Remembering another gift of flowers, from Ken- and then from daughter CM and our friend KG. When I came home from Chicagoland August 31- it would be my last night spent sleeping with Ken- he had a bouquet of flowers waiting for me. The bouquet was there in my empty house the long week that we camped in motels near the hospital. The bouquet was joined by other flowers and plants after Ken died, after the funeral, after shiva.

After the funeral, CM and KG were thoughtful enough to dry those flowers, and preserve them in a frame.

Back to the current month: Once back from my trip with SR, and SR on her flight back to NC, I traveled with my son JE and family to Oregon, Ohio to see the total eclipse. Terrible hotel, wonderful to experience the totality.

Then I was prepping for an International Shabbat April 12, on Zoom in 8 different spoken languages plus ASL (different languages in different parts, except the Shema in all the languages).

A band concert for grandchild JD on April 16; a conversion ceremony for a friend on the 18th. Final classes, grading papers, grading finals.

Passover. It's still in Passover. Had the Congregational Seder Friday night- it was my FOURTH Seder, and I was essentially in charge, stressed, and Sedered-OUT.

Yesterday my nephew WH came over and did some yard work for me. I gave him our chest freezer in the fall, as he hunts deer and fishes and they needed it for their food storage. In exchange, he was going to do the yard work. He cleared out the weeds/ growth all around the perimeter of the house 8-12 inches- including taking down a number of bushes/ trees/ vines that were crowding the A/C unit and giving roadways for rodents to access the attic. 

Now I have to get motivated to put down weed-suppressing fabric, and stones, to keep it clear!

I am feeling guilty because I missed my friend CR's orchestra concert last night. I literally forgot until it was an hour past the start time. To be fair to me, I don't think WH had left by the start time, and - another wrinkle- I had a call from my dad that morning that his wife DH was in the hospital with appendicitis.

She had the surgery yesterday afternoon, and is recovering. I exchanged Wordles with her this morning. Her daughter RL flew in to hang with Dad and DH during recovery.

I still feel guilty that I didn't go to the concert- but I'm somewhat relieved that I forgot, because the last time I went to one of her concerts it was with Ken, and I also was all peopled-out yesterday. Today, too, to a certain extent.

I have completed grading for the one class I had at Third U- a win. Got to count them when I have them.

I currently have no idea if I have any teaching gigs in the future. At Third U, the professor that wanted to teach "my" class Fall 2023 "one more time" before retiring* is listed as teaching again for Fall 2024, and I am listed for "my" class at Third U Winter 2025- on campus. Since I expect to be traveling and/or moving, I have no interest in teaching on campus. I have an inquiry in to the Chair about what all this means, but have as yet received no response.

Byzantine U is another painful mystery. I was checking the Byzantine U site, and discovered that a Part Time Faculty with less seniority than I is listed as teaching one of "my" online courses Fall 2024. I should have been offered that class. I wrote to the chair (yes, the same one who said in November-ish, how are you doing? So sorry for your loss! BTW, you won't be teaching Winter 2024 due to tenured faculty...) and said to him, since my leave of absence ends April 30, is there a Spring class for me? A Fall class?

No response yet. 

I am conflicted about both. It may be time, I don't know, for me to stop teaching- but I would like that to have been my decision. I would have hoped to at least teach Fall 2024- for the $$ and also for the identity, the continuity, to finish out the year. If I have to fight for the classes, and / or bump other faculty, or if it's a hostile work environment, it is simply not worth it. Or at least I feel that way at the moment. I may fight the fight anyway, with the Union, for the sake of other union members. 

I don't know... I am so ambivalent, conflicted, frustrated.

I'm leading services- in person- this Friday night. *sigh* Hoping to line up others for the rest of May and most of June. 

Son AJ is coming in a week from Monday (May 6)  to be with me- and hopefully son JE- on Tuesday, Ken's birthday. We hope to go to a Mudhen's game. AJ will stay the week, and then we will travel to Kalamazoo for Mother's Day with JE and family, with BI and family, and AJ's love JP, joining us from Chicago land. JP will drive AJ home from our Kalamazoo visit. 

Daughter CM is bouncing around- sometimes in South Carolina, sometimes camping, sometimes volunteering. Homeless, like me. I have a house, but no home.

I am worried about losing connections with my friends, with my family. I see JE usually once a week, when I go in on Mondays for grandchild LC- we talk some, but he is hurting but not communicating about many of the questions that I have. Daughter BI texts pix of the kids, but I haven't really had calls or Zooms. AJ calls once a week, determined to check in. CM sometimes texts, and we call about once a week- we are both hurting. 

We are all so protective of each other, trying not to impose our pain on each other. We have yet to grieve all together, in one place, since September. Thanksgiving, JE missed due to Covid. In March, Spring break, JE and kids came to Chicagoland but CM was in Guatemala.

Another friend texted: Hope you are letting your support in... so many are here for you.

I know this is true, but though many want to help it is not necessarily in the ways that I need help. The friend who texted would like me to come to stay in her cottage by the beach. She, and many others, would like to spend time with me and offer emotional support. I do need that, yes, but I also need help in boxing up clothes and dishes, and help with deciding what to ditch, donate, repurpose, hold on to. I need help figuring out what happens next.

I am also struggling because I don't know where I will live. Not here, not for much longer. BI and JE have each said I can live with them- but I still feel a need for autonomy.  I can't afford my own place in near either of their more affluent communities. My temple community is near me, not too far to move, and not too expensive- but the temple is diminishing as many of the members are moving to be closer to grandkids or for retirement communities.

I'm a mess. My house is a mess. I am struggling, and some days I just don't know WHY I should keep struggling. It is all so much effort, it is so hard, and there seems to be little purpose for it. 

I am having trouble looking forward.

I am having trouble finding a good reason to look forward.

It's getting harder.

*************

 

* You may remember the professor taking back the Third U class Fall 2023 ended up as a blessing in disguise, as that happened before Ken went into the hospital, and I had therefore only the two Byzantine U classes- asynchronous and online. The asynchronous online classes have been a great boon to my mental health, grounding me with tasks and deadlines- although, of course, not without their stresses.

Holiday in the season of sorrow

While Christmas is not my holiday, it is for many that I love. This entire season is triggering on many levels since Ken died.

Thanksgiving was hugely challenging. The kids and I planned to gather in Chicagoland in homes and hotels. We knew it would be tough. We worked hard to make choices that would make it easier on all of us: only cooking or baking the foods we really wanted to make, and ordering pre-cooked items for the rest; a more relaxed timeline; easy games with the grandkids. 

My son J and his family in Ann Arbor tested positive for Covid the morning of the day that they were to leave to join us in Chicagoland. 

Hard missing Ken, and then hard missing our son/brother and family to grieve together, to play together with grandkids/cousins. 

We made it through with full hearts, full bellies. We literally cried in our beer. We had some breakdowns and some build ups. We came out the other side.

Since then, there has been  a trip for me to North Carolina to visit my friend SJR and Chanukah. 

The trip to North Carolina was great. Walking every day, sharing our losses- the good memories and the hard memories- laughing some, weeping some. Cherishing each other. We've been friends for more than 50 years. There is a special ease in sitting with someone who knows your history. 

Chanukah was tough. Emails and calls with the out-of-town kids. CMK and KG were staying with me- mostly. JE and family came up from Ann Arbor for the first night on Thursday and we were together, with grandkids and that eased me a bit. Friday, the second night, was at my temple, with dinner and Shabbat service, which was lovely.  I felt the shared community.

The next night was a gathering- a Chanukah party at the rabbi's house. Attending that, in retrospect, was a huge mistake. I felt isolated and set apart from my community. Not feeling any party vibe. Feeling alone in a room of couples- and those who are solo for a long time. I sneaked out early.

CMK and KG left Sunday morning. That night was hard, lighting Chanukah candles in the darkness all alone for the first time in my life.

I muddled through the rest of the week- met with my sister once, went to grandson J's band concert, lots of grading of my students' papers and projects as they made a mad dash to somehow pass the class. 

On Thursday, the last night, I drove to JE and family in Ann Arbor and we had dinner, and candle lighting, and some gifts. Grandson J was sick. We were pretty sure it was a reaction to vaccines and sedatives that he'd had that day, but we masked and distanced anyway. J was fine the next day, so we are confident that is what it was. In an odd way, this made it seem even more family, more like home. Daughter-in-law J cradling her son J's head, while I was masked and rubbing his feet wasn't the typical holiday, but it was family.

The next night's service, Friday Dec 15, had been intended to be led on Zoom by 88 year old Bob and me. Bob called the night before to say he wasn't up for it. We were able to hand off to the rabbi (who had been wanting that service anyway) and that freed me up to do more grading. The 16th and 17th I was grading, grading, grading.

Except on Saturday, when I took a break to drive to Hurley hospital to visit my friend KD who had broken her hip *replacement* inside her body. She was going to have a hip replacement-replacement in the next couple of days. 

On the way home from visiting her in the hospital, I stopped by my sister's house. Her son and daughter-in-law M & M were there and we visited and shared a dinner. That was a good visit. 

I came home and was talking with son J in Ann Arbor figuring out plans for getting my car in the shop and my dog to stay with J and family. We talked to Diane too and since it was agreed that we could leave later on Monday, we decided that J would drive to my house and we would take my car to the dealership and then Diane would pick me up from my house. J had to be at a computer by 9:00 am for a work meeting.

It worked out almost like that. 

J headed out but there was snow, traffic, and the highway was shut down. So I took the car in later, Diane picked me up from the dealership, and took me back to my house, where J had arrived and was on the computer with his meeting. We loaded up- later than Diane wanted- headed out. J kept working, then took my dog with him on his lunch break to Ann Arbor.

Diane and I had a long drive from Michigan to Tennessee. We had some snow and traffic in Cincinnati, but otherwise made good time. We stayed at our cousin's that night. We stopped for a drink at S & S palatial home, then on to cousin SL with her son KL. Stayed up late talking. Made ice cream drinks (Hummers). Diane was able to spend some individual time with our cousin. 

We spent most of the next day with our cousins. We left after lunch for the first of two legs of the trip to Alabama near the Gulf where my dad and his wife winter.  We arrived at lunch time Dec 20. My dad's birthday was on the 23rd, then Christmas Eve and today, Christmas Day.

Every place I go, I remember Ken. This is the trip we had been making for years- down south, stopping in Tennessee with my cousin- last year with both my Aunt B and Sherri, it was me and Ken- and now, my sister and I with my cousin and her son. My aunt died in April, Ken in September. 

I am ready to say goodbye to 2023. I'm sure there were good things that happened this year, but for me this year is stamped with loss and conflict. 

Sunday musings

 I'm trying to give myself permission to not-do shit. Actually, trying to forgive myself for not-doing-shit. 

Because I'm not doing shit.

I have this vague guilt/thought/feeling that I ought to be grading papers, contacting students, pushing ahead with the next lesson plans.

I should be contacting all the kind friends and family who have given support and love over the last several weeks.

I should be writing more, cooking more, cleaning more.

I should be working out.

I should...

But I'm not.

I've done a lot today: walked* and fed the dog; rested on the couch so that I could hear my early-rising grandson and scoop him up for morning snack and quiet activities so that his sister and his dad could sleep for a while; made coffee; made breakfasts; watched over grandkids; made lunch; watched grandkids some more...

I don't know what to do about my lethargy, my disinclination to do anything.

Clearly, I am doing what's necessary. I am. 

I will do all those "I shoulds" at some point.

I just don't have the energy to tackle it right now. 

When any one of those items becomes necessary, I will do it. 

But right now, they are not urgent. They can wait.

And I don't want to do it.

*I am trying to walk with the dog every day. Even if it is not far, it is a part of a routine that may help heal.

1. Navigating my grief

 Today, September 27 2023, marks 18 days since he died. My partner, my soul mate, my beloved, my lover, my friend, my counselor, my companion. 

In Jewish tradition, 18 is a significant number. It means "life"- each letter in the Hebrew aleph-bet is also a number. The word for life, "chai," uses the letters *chet* (8) and *yud* (10)- 18. Life.

Eighteen days without the life that was twined with mine. A lifetime of loss. Only a moment- he was just here. He was fine. He was gone.

I am navigating life without my partner, my teammate, my soul mate and I am truly lost, lost, lost.

I need to find a way to chart my path. I need to see where I have been and where I am and where I hope to go.

I will try, beginning now, to write it down. To check in with myself.

I am still reeling in denial and shock. People say "You are so strong!" and I am, it is true, but that is not what this is. This is taking one careful step at a time, trying to move forward in a fog. I cannot believe what has happened, I reject it utterly, and so my body/mind/soul has wrapped me in fog and cotton batting and and drawn the curtain on what is real. Later, whispers my soul, we will look there later.

I am afraid of later. 

I can feel my grief rolling under my skin, prodding at my heart, sucking at my lungs, twisting around my guts. 

Waiting.

August 6-25: Doing sh*t, need to write about it

So long without logging in! I have been faithfully logging my temp. Trying to catch up.

 August 6 Thursday

97.4 F 

Mom went for iron infusion at Karmanos. My sister is watching my mom's dog. She has decided she can handle this for a while.

August 7 Friday

97.4 F

Attended Zoom Shabbat led by the rabbi. We don't hang out after the service- maybe we should.

Meanwhile, having done most of the Marvel Universe on Disney+ we are doing Marvel on Netflix. 

Also, I'm reading Just Mercy. I'm in reading circles at Byzantine U, but not checking in much.

August 8 Saturday

97.7 F

I managed my course-copy for both of the University courses I will teach- online- in the fall.

August 9 Sunday

97.7 F

Mom had a scary episode with low, low blood pressure. We had her keep drinking fluids, rest. Allowed some salty snacks.

August 10 Monday

97.4 F

Had a weird dream where, I was sampling- we were all sampling- food from a stew pot- but we had each (household?) dumped in our food in different spots. Some was burnt. I felt like I was sneaking to sample from different places in the stew pot.

Later (real life):

Mom had HIGH blood pressure! Her physical therapist came. We agreed to monitor blood pressure- if Sys >150 or Dias >90 for two readings, we will reintroduce the Carvedilol (low dose).

Checked in with my dad. He had a cyst in his ear, with wax build up. He was told to go in for X ray- but apparently they MEANT C-T scan, so-- he has to schedule an appointment. 

Made banana bread.

August 11 Tuesday

97.9 F

Gave Mom a sitting bath. Made tuna noodle yummy oodle. 

Pest control came out and sprayed perimeter outdoors.

I did a Kroger pick up order, which surprisingly Ken and I were able to pick up that night. However, more than half the items were missing/ out of stock. Of course, I had said NO SUBSTITUTIONS because I'd ordered kosher hot dogs (which were of course out of stock).

August 12 Wednesday

97.7 F

I had crazy dreams, but all I remember is... I had crazy dreams.

We continued our Zoom sessions with granddaughter E: topic- bugs with thumbprint bugs in a jar (drawing). We had stamp pads for our thumbs, then  pressed on the paper and added details for our bugs. Fun!

Mom's appointment with Dr. P her oncologist was okay, but I wasn't allowed in. It was a thing. Mom wanted me in; I told her I didn't think they would let me. I brought her up, and dropped her off, and went to her house to clean out her fridge. She started texting me to come, she was ready to see the doctor. I did come back in. Long story somewhat shortened, the office manager, when I came up, told me no visitors, and that I had to leave the building. Dr. P did call me- and we talked over the questions (he agreed with the monitor blood pressure- if Sys >150 or Dias >90 for two readings, we will reintroduce the Carvedilol).  

 

Aug 13 Thurs

97.4 F

I cleaned Mom's shower chair (that I had picked up on Wednesday from her basement) and caught up some of her laundry. 

Worked on Wayne State. 

 Mom treated for take out dinner from Red Devil. Lots of road construction- Ken's 5 minute commute home was over 1/2 an hour.

Aug 14 Fri 

97.9 F

I had a dream that there was some kind of large worship service, sort of like one of our wealthier relative's kid's b'nai mitzah.  There was a small child with a part in the service and I ended up helping the little girl by standing at the podium with her while she whispered in my ear and I repeated her words into the microphone. There was video, and it captured me in close up, especially my chin and lips speaking, and my tilted head listening. I knew I was helping. Later I sang- I think just with the congregation- and  it was noted as beautiful. I remember we urgently had to get out of there, and there was someone who had aspects of LL (whom I don't like ) and aspects of KL and CG (whom I do like). In the dream she was glowing with praise of my singing and speaking and she clearly knew me. In the dream, I knew I should know her, or had known her, but I couldn't place her. 

On this Friday, we had Mom's appointment with her primary care doc, Dr. T, who agreed with the monitor blood pressure- if Sys >150 or Dias >90 for two readings, we will reintroduce the Carvedilol. He also felt it was fine to discontinue two other meds. Less is more. He shared his dad is not doing well with his cancer prognosis/ treatment, during Covid-19. Genuine connect on sympathy. 

Had hoped to pick up Mom's new walker- but the med supply place declined because we didn't have a doctor signed Rx. Great. 

Went to Diane's so Mom could visit her dog; visited with Diane while Mom napped! Then drove home to work on stuff - Diane delivered Mom home right about the time we were starting to participate in services! 

Got call from Dad- Covid-19 scare as bro's wife  JGLH's grandkids' babysitter had tested positive, and JGLH had seen the grandkids before visiting with Dad and Doris- bro CEH and JGLH shuttled Dad and his wife Do to their outside gazebo, disinfected their house, and left to go back home, with distanced waves. So Dad said.

Participated in service via Zoom, led by our friend Sharon- her first time leading! I sang kiddush and motzi.

 

Aug 15 Saturday

97.7 F

  Put E's next packet in the mail. 

Had yoga on Saturday instead of Thursday, with son A and JJ on Zoom. Ken had a board meeting (Zoom) on Thursday, so we couldn't do it then. 

I was cranky with Ken (because I couldn't be cranky with my mom).

Aug 16 Sunday

98.0 F

A gray and grumbly day. Still couldn't do yard work, because lawn mower still in the shop. 

Got lots done on WSU stuff.

Aug 17 Monday

97.7 F

Wrote the Monday ladies' email (since this is the week we don't Zoom, just email). Continued to work on WSU. Anxiety spike; self-talk down.

Aug 18 Tuesday

97.7 F

The nurses at Karmanos straightened out the med supply people, so I was able to pick up Mom's new walker. Picked up Mom's mail as well. Her income tax refund finally arrived! 

In my morning pages (I'm writing 3 pages every morning) I noted again that I am afraid of my neighbors being white supremacists. 

Aug 19 Wednesday

97.7 F

It was cool this morning; I bundled up for coffee on the deck. 

Our Zoom session with E was fun with learning about spiders! We read Mighty Spiders by Fay Robinson, and talked about the parts of spiders and spiders in general, and then we showed her how to make spiders to eat - out of Ritz crackers, pretzel sticks, and peanut butter. We still had time, so we read Caps for Sale by Esphyr Slobodkina. Great fun.

Had late night snack of crackers and cheese. Too many calories, too late at night. Oh well. 

Aug 20 Thursday

97.9 F 

 I checked- Mom's auto pay of health insurance is working!

Mom and I scheduled a trip to her house and shopping and banking and lunch- all out of the house so the cleaners could clean. Because Princess kept jostling my elbow, my Kroger order never registered so when we went to pick it up, I wasn't in the system! Plus SO MANY road closures and detours, poorly marked - AND the cleaners were still there when we drove by-- so we consoled ourselves with drive through ice cream, and then went home to a clean house- although they had broken one of my photo frames. No biggie- not an heirloom or anything. 

We did our Zoom yoga with Adam and Jenna. Mom also visited with them for a bit.

Aug 21 Friday

97.4 F

I rescheduled the Kroger order for SEVEN A.M. so I got up early and got on the day. Did it. Got it done. 

Mom's PT Raj came today; I was starting challah for the Shabbat supper. He was quite interested. He commented his wife makes bread, but with just flour and water-- naan, I'm guessing. 

I made some of Ken's favorites for supper: kosher hot dogs, tater tots, spinach, corn- and challah.

We attended Zoom Shabbat, led  by Paul F, his first time leading also.

Aug 22 Saturday

97.5 F

Used up leftover pasta, rice, veggies from the fridge into a couple of different casserole-ish dishes. 

A very long day for Ken- we had tried to get Gus' car started, couldn't, called AAA for jump, it started,  but stalled out on the 5 minute drive to the repair shop- EXTREMELY LONG SAD STORY, in a very hot day- Ken called AAA at 9:00 am, didn't finally get home after seeing the car towed to the repair shop (not even 10 minutes from our house) until almost 7:00 PM.

YIKES.

First world problems, ytppl problems, amiright?

Aug 23 Sunday

97.7

I think this is when I played Roblox with the grandkids a bit. I was terrible at it. I will learn.

Aug 24 Monday

97.4 F

This day swiftly derailed. 

Mom and Diane had decided Diane would pick Mom up, bring her to Diane's for a visit with Diane, and also with Mom's dog. I was going to work on Wayne State stuff, have my 1:00 pm Zoom call with classy ladies- Marcey, Beth, Leah, Meg, Christine, Kathleen, (Kim and Claire, but they are usually not available). 

Well.

As Diane is on her way to pick up Mom, I check to confirm  that the pick up today of computer headsets is just for faculty that ordered them- then learn that NO, the U has ordered them for all faculty- including me. So my window is from 1:00-4:00 in Detroit. 

Ah.

So, arrange with Diane that I will leave door unlocked, in case I am not home by the time she drops Mom back home. I plan to do my phone call, then leave about 2:00, get to Detroit by 3:00, pick up headset, get home.

I also have a check to cash (can do that on the way), and the van is stocked with all our recycling (I can recycle at township offices on my way home).

Okay, a plan.

Then I get an email from the U that Zoom is down for many in the Eastern USA. I email the classy ladies; don't hear back except from BI, respond to all that I will try at 1:00, if nothing by 1:10, I will sign off we will figure it out.

At 1:00, MW is there (she hasn't seen the email) we chat, no one else shows up, we sign off, I leave. 

(PS this is day one of Ken's audit, his major- and stressful- event of the fiscal year, in a challenging fiscal year. So he has sh*t happening too).

I stop at bank, no problem. It's very hot; I stop at Tim Horton's and pick up an iced tea and drive to Detroit.

The directions to a specific parking lot- GPS leaves me at an intersection. I drive around for 40 minutes- lots of road closures, detours, no signage.

It's also hot.

Finally pull over, find campus map kiosk, visualize where the parking lot is (it's BEHIND ANOTHER PARKING LOT, and it's on a service drive that goes BOTH WAYS FOR JUST THAT BLOCK). 

I get into the lot, to pick up my headset, with 10 minutes to spare. Great. 

It's just in time for drive time home.

Great.

And it's hot.

Also, the AC is not working well AT ALL in the van.

Make it to the recycling center, off load recycling in the heat.

Ken is in contact via text. He is also held over with audit. 

We both make it home at about the same time. We commiserate over vodka and sparkling water.

Diane arrives with Mom. We share a drink and a meal.

Things are a bit better.

But it was a long, LONG, hot, HOT day.

Aug 25 Tuesday

97.8 F

Took Mom to an appointment with her cardiologist. He agrees with the other docs about the BP, Carvedilol. He seems okay with her heart status. 

We return home. Mom's PT arrives a couple hours later. He encourages her to keep working- build that strength.

Ken and I have our Tuesday scheduled video call with son JE, his wife JP, our grandkids JD and L. It's a good call. 

Then Ken and I drive out to the auto repair shop, to swap the van (work on the AC! and oil change) for the car parked there. Gus's car is fixed. New battery.

It's just bullet points, mostly- but I'm caught up!

drugs

I have a friend who has recently had major surgery. He is slowly recovering, and he is on morphine.

I remember morphine.

When I went in for an appendectomy, I was put on morphine post-surgery. This is a lovely drug. Seriously. I knew there was pain, but I truly didn't care.

Even emotional pain: my parents were newly divorced and each had a significant other with them when they came to visit me at the same time in my hospital room.

I knew I should care, but I didn't.

It is a testament to my dedication to being a nursing (that is to say, breastfeeding) mom at the time, that I got myself off of morphine in just a bit over 24 hours.

My friend has the new pusher device so that he can self-medicate. This is new: not something they trusted me with-- probably a good idea.

It's not perfect, but when you are in a lot of pain, morphine certainly helps. In my opinion, it's a good drug.

I am, myself, the child of the sex, drugs and rock-n-roll era. Even so, I am anti-drug. I don't really want pharmeceuticals in my food. Definitely anti-recreational/illegal drugs. And I have longed, how I have longed, to avoid drugs in my own life.

Even antibiotics.

I think we are all over drugged. I think that's why there are drug-resistant super-germs. I am one of those who believes that we should let our immune system do its thing, that our immune system gets stronger by doing its job.

And yet...

Morphine is a lovely drug. It's no wonder it's controlled.

And I cheerfully use my favorite and most frequent drug, caffeine. (In fact, I am not at all cheeful when I am caffeine free.) I am well aware that alcohol is a legal drug with many dangers, to be used carefully-- and I use alcohol. Often I use them both in the same day. Not too long ago, after a night in which I'd had a couple of great cups of coffee-- at midnight-- and then 2 or 3 glasses of wine, I had a sleepless night. I remarked to my friends:

You know how if someone is drunk, and drinks a bunch of coffee to try to sober up, all you get is a wide-awake drunk?

--my friends conceded they were well aware.

Well, I continued, I've discovered that if you have too much coffee late at night, and try to drink some wine so you can sleep, all you get is a really mellow insomniac.

It's not just my drugs-of-choice caffeine and alcohol. My physician has me on two drugs by prescription. One is for my depression, and I hope to wean myself off of this one in the not too distant future. The other is for my cholesterol. According to my latest bloodwork, this one is working. I may be on it for the rest of my life.

Drugs. Maybe the symbol shouldn't be :

But instead, the symbol should be: