Change is gonna come

 I am beyond stressed. With my work for Byzantine U, my prep for the High Holidays, my need to declutter and repair and clean and paint my house to sell, my need to find a new house home, my need to care for my family and friends, my worries about the looming election and the national and world events- I am beyond stressed.

Something must change. Change will come, is coming. Some of the change I can choose, direct, guide, and some I cannot. 

I am sometimes having difficulty knowing which changes I can direct, and which changes are outside of my control.

I know that I need changes in my life. I feel stalled. What used to bring me joy finds me indifferent now. Most of my life is flat and stale.

Maybe I need a complete change of direction, purpose, career, focus. 

I could become a cycologist, right? 

I have been an actor, director, producer, educator, waitress, program coordinator, journalist. I've been on so many boards as president, VP, chair, secretary, and more. 

I know I'm good at my work as an educator, and I enjoy working with my students- but I have to force myself to make the connections, do the grading, post the assignments.

I'm good at organizing programs and designing and coordinating events- but here too I find I lack interest, initiative, motivation.

I am stalled. Not drifting, exactly- I'm still getting the necessary tasks done, although at the 11th hour and the 59th minute.

Gotta love deadlines.

Tonight is Kol Nidre, the evening that we enter into the Day of Atonement. The Kol Nidre prayer itself is a petition to the Eternal to be excused from oaths that were made under duress, obligations that we took on or promises that we made against our heart's desire or our own truth.

We ask that, as the New Year begins, we can enter freely to a future that is not controlled by our past.

My past has influenced me, and much of that is good. However I cannot stay in the past; I have to move forward.

May this New Year have tender and sustaining memories of the good of the past- and also beginnings and discoveries.

I am a different person now. 

Work: Third U and Byzantine U

 Adventures in Academia.

If you have been following my travails, you will recall that I have been ghosted by the Chairs/ Department heads at both Byzantine U (where I have taught for about 20 years, including my teaching fellowship on the way to my PhD) and Third U (where I have taught for at least 3 years). 

I emailed the (interim) department head of Third U one more time. I set the deadline of May 25, stating that if I hadn't heard from them, I would assume that there was no work for me there. I am part time faculty, without a union at that institution, so my work is only by the semester. Still, not having had word for months after multiple emails is frustrating.

May 25 came and went, and I never received an email. I kept checking my Third U email (I have a different email address at each institution), and eventually I noticed an email welcome and greeting from the new head of the department to the entire department (not to me specifically). This new head, of course, won't know me or anything about me.

Hmmm... still mad at the previous interim head for ghosting me, but I'm guessing he was relieved to be relieved, so to speak.

TOTALLY unprofessional behavior, nonetheless.

For Byzantine U, it's harder because I have a contract, and there is a Union, and the Interim Chair, if not the department, has pretty much ignored the contract. So I wrote to the Union Rep, as briefly as possible, reminding them of my situation and updating them that it's still crickets from the Chair. 

I heard back from the Union Rep, and they said that there's not much to do- but I should proceed with another email, this time cc:ing the Union Rep, and NOTING that I have cc:d the Union Rep, and stating  something like "According to our contract, when I return from a Leave of Absence, my course assignment rights are supposed to be unchanged. The union, which is CC'ed on this email, can confirm that fact." They recommended I give him a response deadline, and then follow up with the dean if I still didn't hear anything.  

So I did this. 

Funny thing, when I mentioned the Union Rep was also on the email, I heard back in about an hour! The interim chair wrote:  (excuses excuses) and I'll get back to you by June 1 (coincidentally the deadline I had given). And he did - half way through June 1, he emailed:

For Fall 24, we are going to utilize you in the [grad class I have never taught before].

UTILIZE! So, again a new class that I haven't ever taught before. *sigh* I will teach that one, and hopefully a spring one, and then I think I'm done.

I'm clearly not valued here.

At least, by administration. During this time, at least three different students, from different eras of my teaching, have reached out to say how outstanding I am, how much they learned from me, how much they valued me.

But, hey, they're "just students," so what does that matter?

It's getting harder, gifts, and a good day

 It's getting harder. 

The first few weeks and months after Ken died are a blur. I'm glad I wrote things down, and kept emails and texts, because my memory was/is unreliable. I was in denial, nothing was real, all was surreal. 

Those blurred months changed to months when I had so many tasks to accomplish that I kept moving and kept functioning. I hurt, but at the same time I still felt that numbness. Also, in a strange way, Ken was still so present in my life. 

I do not feel him so strongly now.

It's becoming more real now. 

************

The above was from April 14, 2024. It is now two weeks later and two weeks harder.

I don't know if I can keep doing this. It's too hard.

I'm trying to remember the gifts, and the good day, from this title. 

A friend wrote: I'm touching base because I know that you are approaching a tough couple of months of "firsts." 

I answered: We are not approaching a couple of rough months, we are in them for sure. April 5 was my wedding anniversary. April 23 started Passover, which has been a challenge for all of us. In a week and a half, it will be May 7, which would have been Ken's 75th birthday. May 12 is Mother's Day, June Father's Day, July my birthday and daughter CM's and grandchild E's, and then August- a month that Ken and I would have spent with daughter BI's family, August- the month of unveiling of his memorial stone, and then it will be September.

And then year 2.

The start of these particular rough months of firsts was early April.  I had a trip with my friend SR. She flew in from North Carolina to be with me on my first anniversary without my love. 

 We went to Holland, Michigan, just to be somewhere different. Pampered ourselves. Cried some, laughed some.

We went to a hotel with a hot tub and pool. We took turns taking each other out for delicious meals. We pampered ourselves with manicures, ice cream, wine flights. 

We laughed a little, wept a little, reminded each other that there is still love in the world. We went out to dinner with live music. We toasted to love and friendship and supporting each other as we find a way forward. 

When we got back, there was a gift from my Illinois kids. They had sent flowers- carnations- for my anniversary.

They had worried that the flowers would be damaged, as they were on my doorstep for a day and night before I arrived.

It (almost) always snows on my early April anniversary. It did this year.

The flowers, tight buds, were fine. Sheltered on my porch, and insulated in their cardboard box, they survived just fine.

As the days - and then weeks- went by, the tight buds opened and bloomed.

Maybe the good day was when SR and I toasted to friendship. Maybe the gift was the flowers. 

Remembering another gift of flowers, from Ken- and then from daughter CM and our friend KG. When I came home from Chicagoland August 31- it would be my last night spent sleeping with Ken- he had a bouquet of flowers waiting for me. The bouquet was there in my empty house the long week that we camped in motels near the hospital. The bouquet was joined by other flowers and plants after Ken died, after the funeral, after shiva.

After the funeral, CM and KG were thoughtful enough to dry those flowers, and preserve them in a frame.

Back to the current month: Once back from my trip with SR, and SR on her flight back to NC, I traveled with my son JE and family to Oregon, Ohio to see the total eclipse. Terrible hotel, wonderful to experience the totality.

Then I was prepping for an International Shabbat April 12, on Zoom in 8 different spoken languages plus ASL (different languages in different parts, except the Shema in all the languages).

A band concert for grandchild JD on April 16; a conversion ceremony for a friend on the 18th. Final classes, grading papers, grading finals.

Passover. It's still in Passover. Had the Congregational Seder Friday night- it was my FOURTH Seder, and I was essentially in charge, stressed, and Sedered-OUT.

Yesterday my nephew WH came over and did some yard work for me. I gave him our chest freezer in the fall, as he hunts deer and fishes and they needed it for their food storage. In exchange, he was going to do the yard work. He cleared out the weeds/ growth all around the perimeter of the house 8-12 inches- including taking down a number of bushes/ trees/ vines that were crowding the A/C unit and giving roadways for rodents to access the attic. 

Now I have to get motivated to put down weed-suppressing fabric, and stones, to keep it clear!

I am feeling guilty because I missed my friend CR's orchestra concert last night. I literally forgot until it was an hour past the start time. To be fair to me, I don't think WH had left by the start time, and - another wrinkle- I had a call from my dad that morning that his wife DH was in the hospital with appendicitis.

She had the surgery yesterday afternoon, and is recovering. I exchanged Wordles with her this morning. Her daughter RL flew in to hang with Dad and DH during recovery.

I still feel guilty that I didn't go to the concert- but I'm somewhat relieved that I forgot, because the last time I went to one of her concerts it was with Ken, and I also was all peopled-out yesterday. Today, too, to a certain extent.

I have completed grading for the one class I had at Third U- a win. Got to count them when I have them.

I currently have no idea if I have any teaching gigs in the future. At Third U, the professor that wanted to teach "my" class Fall 2023 "one more time" before retiring* is listed as teaching again for Fall 2024, and I am listed for "my" class at Third U Winter 2025- on campus. Since I expect to be traveling and/or moving, I have no interest in teaching on campus. I have an inquiry in to the Chair about what all this means, but have as yet received no response.

Byzantine U is another painful mystery. I was checking the Byzantine U site, and discovered that a Part Time Faculty with less seniority than I is listed as teaching one of "my" online courses Fall 2024. I should have been offered that class. I wrote to the chair (yes, the same one who said in November-ish, how are you doing? So sorry for your loss! BTW, you won't be teaching Winter 2024 due to tenured faculty...) and said to him, since my leave of absence ends April 30, is there a Spring class for me? A Fall class?

No response yet. 

I am conflicted about both. It may be time, I don't know, for me to stop teaching- but I would like that to have been my decision. I would have hoped to at least teach Fall 2024- for the $$ and also for the identity, the continuity, to finish out the year. If I have to fight for the classes, and / or bump other faculty, or if it's a hostile work environment, it is simply not worth it. Or at least I feel that way at the moment. I may fight the fight anyway, with the Union, for the sake of other union members. 

I don't know... I am so ambivalent, conflicted, frustrated.

I'm leading services- in person- this Friday night. *sigh* Hoping to line up others for the rest of May and most of June. 

Son AJ is coming in a week from Monday (May 6)  to be with me- and hopefully son JE- on Tuesday, Ken's birthday. We hope to go to a Mudhen's game. AJ will stay the week, and then we will travel to Kalamazoo for Mother's Day with JE and family, with BI and family, and AJ's love JP, joining us from Chicago land. JP will drive AJ home from our Kalamazoo visit. 

Daughter CM is bouncing around- sometimes in South Carolina, sometimes camping, sometimes volunteering. Homeless, like me. I have a house, but no home.

I am worried about losing connections with my friends, with my family. I see JE usually once a week, when I go in on Mondays for grandchild LC- we talk some, but he is hurting but not communicating about many of the questions that I have. Daughter BI texts pix of the kids, but I haven't really had calls or Zooms. AJ calls once a week, determined to check in. CM sometimes texts, and we call about once a week- we are both hurting. 

We are all so protective of each other, trying not to impose our pain on each other. We have yet to grieve all together, in one place, since September. Thanksgiving, JE missed due to Covid. In March, Spring break, JE and kids came to Chicagoland but CM was in Guatemala.

Another friend texted: Hope you are letting your support in... so many are here for you.

I know this is true, but though many want to help it is not necessarily in the ways that I need help. The friend who texted would like me to come to stay in her cottage by the beach. She, and many others, would like to spend time with me and offer emotional support. I do need that, yes, but I also need help in boxing up clothes and dishes, and help with deciding what to ditch, donate, repurpose, hold on to. I need help figuring out what happens next.

I am also struggling because I don't know where I will live. Not here, not for much longer. BI and JE have each said I can live with them- but I still feel a need for autonomy.  I can't afford my own place in near either of their more affluent communities. My temple community is near me, not too far to move, and not too expensive- but the temple is diminishing as many of the members are moving to be closer to grandkids or for retirement communities.

I'm a mess. My house is a mess. I am struggling, and some days I just don't know WHY I should keep struggling. It is all so much effort, it is so hard, and there seems to be little purpose for it. 

I am having trouble looking forward.

I am having trouble finding a good reason to look forward.

It's getting harder.

*************

 

* You may remember the professor taking back the Third U class Fall 2023 ended up as a blessing in disguise, as that happened before Ken went into the hospital, and I had therefore only the two Byzantine U classes- asynchronous and online. The asynchronous online classes have been a great boon to my mental health, grounding me with tasks and deadlines- although, of course, not without their stresses.

August 6-25: Doing sh*t, need to write about it

So long without logging in! I have been faithfully logging my temp. Trying to catch up.

 August 6 Thursday

97.4 F 

Mom went for iron infusion at Karmanos. My sister is watching my mom's dog. She has decided she can handle this for a while.

August 7 Friday

97.4 F

Attended Zoom Shabbat led by the rabbi. We don't hang out after the service- maybe we should.

Meanwhile, having done most of the Marvel Universe on Disney+ we are doing Marvel on Netflix. 

Also, I'm reading Just Mercy. I'm in reading circles at Byzantine U, but not checking in much.

August 8 Saturday

97.7 F

I managed my course-copy for both of the University courses I will teach- online- in the fall.

August 9 Sunday

97.7 F

Mom had a scary episode with low, low blood pressure. We had her keep drinking fluids, rest. Allowed some salty snacks.

August 10 Monday

97.4 F

Had a weird dream where, I was sampling- we were all sampling- food from a stew pot- but we had each (household?) dumped in our food in different spots. Some was burnt. I felt like I was sneaking to sample from different places in the stew pot.

Later (real life):

Mom had HIGH blood pressure! Her physical therapist came. We agreed to monitor blood pressure- if Sys >150 or Dias >90 for two readings, we will reintroduce the Carvedilol (low dose).

Checked in with my dad. He had a cyst in his ear, with wax build up. He was told to go in for X ray- but apparently they MEANT C-T scan, so-- he has to schedule an appointment. 

Made banana bread.

August 11 Tuesday

97.9 F

Gave Mom a sitting bath. Made tuna noodle yummy oodle. 

Pest control came out and sprayed perimeter outdoors.

I did a Kroger pick up order, which surprisingly Ken and I were able to pick up that night. However, more than half the items were missing/ out of stock. Of course, I had said NO SUBSTITUTIONS because I'd ordered kosher hot dogs (which were of course out of stock).

August 12 Wednesday

97.7 F

I had crazy dreams, but all I remember is... I had crazy dreams.

We continued our Zoom sessions with granddaughter E: topic- bugs with thumbprint bugs in a jar (drawing). We had stamp pads for our thumbs, then  pressed on the paper and added details for our bugs. Fun!

Mom's appointment with Dr. P her oncologist was okay, but I wasn't allowed in. It was a thing. Mom wanted me in; I told her I didn't think they would let me. I brought her up, and dropped her off, and went to her house to clean out her fridge. She started texting me to come, she was ready to see the doctor. I did come back in. Long story somewhat shortened, the office manager, when I came up, told me no visitors, and that I had to leave the building. Dr. P did call me- and we talked over the questions (he agreed with the monitor blood pressure- if Sys >150 or Dias >90 for two readings, we will reintroduce the Carvedilol).  

 

Aug 13 Thurs

97.4 F

I cleaned Mom's shower chair (that I had picked up on Wednesday from her basement) and caught up some of her laundry. 

Worked on Wayne State. 

 Mom treated for take out dinner from Red Devil. Lots of road construction- Ken's 5 minute commute home was over 1/2 an hour.

Aug 14 Fri 

97.9 F

I had a dream that there was some kind of large worship service, sort of like one of our wealthier relative's kid's b'nai mitzah.  There was a small child with a part in the service and I ended up helping the little girl by standing at the podium with her while she whispered in my ear and I repeated her words into the microphone. There was video, and it captured me in close up, especially my chin and lips speaking, and my tilted head listening. I knew I was helping. Later I sang- I think just with the congregation- and  it was noted as beautiful. I remember we urgently had to get out of there, and there was someone who had aspects of LL (whom I don't like ) and aspects of KL and CG (whom I do like). In the dream she was glowing with praise of my singing and speaking and she clearly knew me. In the dream, I knew I should know her, or had known her, but I couldn't place her. 

On this Friday, we had Mom's appointment with her primary care doc, Dr. T, who agreed with the monitor blood pressure- if Sys >150 or Dias >90 for two readings, we will reintroduce the Carvedilol. He also felt it was fine to discontinue two other meds. Less is more. He shared his dad is not doing well with his cancer prognosis/ treatment, during Covid-19. Genuine connect on sympathy. 

Had hoped to pick up Mom's new walker- but the med supply place declined because we didn't have a doctor signed Rx. Great. 

Went to Diane's so Mom could visit her dog; visited with Diane while Mom napped! Then drove home to work on stuff - Diane delivered Mom home right about the time we were starting to participate in services! 

Got call from Dad- Covid-19 scare as bro's wife  JGLH's grandkids' babysitter had tested positive, and JGLH had seen the grandkids before visiting with Dad and Doris- bro CEH and JGLH shuttled Dad and his wife Do to their outside gazebo, disinfected their house, and left to go back home, with distanced waves. So Dad said.

Participated in service via Zoom, led by our friend Sharon- her first time leading! I sang kiddush and motzi.

 

Aug 15 Saturday

97.7 F

  Put E's next packet in the mail. 

Had yoga on Saturday instead of Thursday, with son A and JJ on Zoom. Ken had a board meeting (Zoom) on Thursday, so we couldn't do it then. 

I was cranky with Ken (because I couldn't be cranky with my mom).

Aug 16 Sunday

98.0 F

A gray and grumbly day. Still couldn't do yard work, because lawn mower still in the shop. 

Got lots done on WSU stuff.

Aug 17 Monday

97.7 F

Wrote the Monday ladies' email (since this is the week we don't Zoom, just email). Continued to work on WSU. Anxiety spike; self-talk down.

Aug 18 Tuesday

97.7 F

The nurses at Karmanos straightened out the med supply people, so I was able to pick up Mom's new walker. Picked up Mom's mail as well. Her income tax refund finally arrived! 

In my morning pages (I'm writing 3 pages every morning) I noted again that I am afraid of my neighbors being white supremacists. 

Aug 19 Wednesday

97.7 F

It was cool this morning; I bundled up for coffee on the deck. 

Our Zoom session with E was fun with learning about spiders! We read Mighty Spiders by Fay Robinson, and talked about the parts of spiders and spiders in general, and then we showed her how to make spiders to eat - out of Ritz crackers, pretzel sticks, and peanut butter. We still had time, so we read Caps for Sale by Esphyr Slobodkina. Great fun.

Had late night snack of crackers and cheese. Too many calories, too late at night. Oh well. 

Aug 20 Thursday

97.9 F 

 I checked- Mom's auto pay of health insurance is working!

Mom and I scheduled a trip to her house and shopping and banking and lunch- all out of the house so the cleaners could clean. Because Princess kept jostling my elbow, my Kroger order never registered so when we went to pick it up, I wasn't in the system! Plus SO MANY road closures and detours, poorly marked - AND the cleaners were still there when we drove by-- so we consoled ourselves with drive through ice cream, and then went home to a clean house- although they had broken one of my photo frames. No biggie- not an heirloom or anything. 

We did our Zoom yoga with Adam and Jenna. Mom also visited with them for a bit.

Aug 21 Friday

97.4 F

I rescheduled the Kroger order for SEVEN A.M. so I got up early and got on the day. Did it. Got it done. 

Mom's PT Raj came today; I was starting challah for the Shabbat supper. He was quite interested. He commented his wife makes bread, but with just flour and water-- naan, I'm guessing. 

I made some of Ken's favorites for supper: kosher hot dogs, tater tots, spinach, corn- and challah.

We attended Zoom Shabbat, led  by Paul F, his first time leading also.

Aug 22 Saturday

97.5 F

Used up leftover pasta, rice, veggies from the fridge into a couple of different casserole-ish dishes. 

A very long day for Ken- we had tried to get Gus' car started, couldn't, called AAA for jump, it started,  but stalled out on the 5 minute drive to the repair shop- EXTREMELY LONG SAD STORY, in a very hot day- Ken called AAA at 9:00 am, didn't finally get home after seeing the car towed to the repair shop (not even 10 minutes from our house) until almost 7:00 PM.

YIKES.

First world problems, ytppl problems, amiright?

Aug 23 Sunday

97.7

I think this is when I played Roblox with the grandkids a bit. I was terrible at it. I will learn.

Aug 24 Monday

97.4 F

This day swiftly derailed. 

Mom and Diane had decided Diane would pick Mom up, bring her to Diane's for a visit with Diane, and also with Mom's dog. I was going to work on Wayne State stuff, have my 1:00 pm Zoom call with classy ladies- Marcey, Beth, Leah, Meg, Christine, Kathleen, (Kim and Claire, but they are usually not available). 

Well.

As Diane is on her way to pick up Mom, I check to confirm  that the pick up today of computer headsets is just for faculty that ordered them- then learn that NO, the U has ordered them for all faculty- including me. So my window is from 1:00-4:00 in Detroit. 

Ah.

So, arrange with Diane that I will leave door unlocked, in case I am not home by the time she drops Mom back home. I plan to do my phone call, then leave about 2:00, get to Detroit by 3:00, pick up headset, get home.

I also have a check to cash (can do that on the way), and the van is stocked with all our recycling (I can recycle at township offices on my way home).

Okay, a plan.

Then I get an email from the U that Zoom is down for many in the Eastern USA. I email the classy ladies; don't hear back except from BI, respond to all that I will try at 1:00, if nothing by 1:10, I will sign off we will figure it out.

At 1:00, MW is there (she hasn't seen the email) we chat, no one else shows up, we sign off, I leave. 

(PS this is day one of Ken's audit, his major- and stressful- event of the fiscal year, in a challenging fiscal year. So he has sh*t happening too).

I stop at bank, no problem. It's very hot; I stop at Tim Horton's and pick up an iced tea and drive to Detroit.

The directions to a specific parking lot- GPS leaves me at an intersection. I drive around for 40 minutes- lots of road closures, detours, no signage.

It's also hot.

Finally pull over, find campus map kiosk, visualize where the parking lot is (it's BEHIND ANOTHER PARKING LOT, and it's on a service drive that goes BOTH WAYS FOR JUST THAT BLOCK). 

I get into the lot, to pick up my headset, with 10 minutes to spare. Great. 

It's just in time for drive time home.

Great.

And it's hot.

Also, the AC is not working well AT ALL in the van.

Make it to the recycling center, off load recycling in the heat.

Ken is in contact via text. He is also held over with audit. 

We both make it home at about the same time. We commiserate over vodka and sparkling water.

Diane arrives with Mom. We share a drink and a meal.

Things are a bit better.

But it was a long, LONG, hot, HOT day.

Aug 25 Tuesday

97.8 F

Took Mom to an appointment with her cardiologist. He agrees with the other docs about the BP, Carvedilol. He seems okay with her heart status. 

We return home. Mom's PT arrives a couple hours later. He encourages her to keep working- build that strength.

Ken and I have our Tuesday scheduled video call with son JE, his wife JP, our grandkids JD and L. It's a good call. 

Then Ken and I drive out to the auto repair shop, to swap the van (work on the AC! and oil change) for the car parked there. Gus's car is fixed. New battery.

It's just bullet points, mostly- but I'm caught up!

the why

One of my favorite bloggers recently wrote of the persistent stress dream that has plagued so many of us for so long. You know the one, where I've signed up for a class and forgotten to attend and forgotten to drop it and now it is finals and I'm going to FAIL....



I added my variations (one includes a school bus driving into my house to get me), but commented that meditations on WHY might be too long for a comment.



So this my meditation on why:



Those of us who are driven to be overachievers (yeah, you know I'm talking about you) often have secret (0r not-so-secret) fears that really we are inadequate. As the stress dreams reveal, we are deeply afraid that we really don't know, we aren't prepared, we will be found out.



I think, in my case at least, the truth is that although I have been told all my life that I am "smart, I have been rewarded academically throughout my long educational process for being "smart", I don't feel "smart".



I just feel regular. Like me. Nothing out of the ordinary. And on occasion, I in fact have felt pretty stupid or foolish.



Add to this the fact that in certain eras of my life I felt deeply that this "smart" thing, myth or not, was all I had going for me, the idea that others might find out the truth of my interior ordinary-ness was/is terrifying.



So, that is my meditation on why.