On the eighth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 This is it! The last night of Chanukah- all eight candles, plus the helper shamash candle, have been lit.

Perhaps the most beautiful night of all.

And my last opportunity in 5785 to not buy you a Chanukah gift. 

So before I go, for when you gotta go, I did not buy for you:

This is the crap-strap so that you can poop in the woods with ease. 

It zips into itself so it's discreet and also holds POOP  BAGS! So you can clean up after yourself just like you do for your pooch!

Crap (Krap) Strap zipped and with supplies

Why did I not buy this for you? And why did I not not-buy it on night Number Two?

Reason Number One, it's winter. I don't think you're the hiking, hunting, camping-in-the-woods in January kind of guy. I could be wrong. Feel free to correct me if I am.

Number Two (heh heh), I wanted something special for the end of Chanukah. Something special to bring up the rear.

And this is designed to bring up your rear.

Rear view of rear

On the seventh night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 It's the penultimate day of Chanukah! As I've mentioned before, Chanukah, like most Jewish holidays, begins at sundown and lasts until sundown of the next day. So last night was the seventh night of Chanukah, and today is the seventh day. 

What didn't I buy you for the seventh night?

This year, the colliding overlapping holidays meant that the seventh night of Chanukah was also New Year's Eve. 

The New Year is a traditional time for making resolutions, setting goals.

Here is something I did not buy for myself, which I am happy to not buy for you as well:

Just in case you are stuck for a resolution or goals for the new year, here is a handy list of multiple suggestions for the various areas of your life!

For you, specifically, for this year, specifically, I did not buy this motivational refrigerator magnet for a great new year's resolution.

You're welcome.

ONE MORE CRAZY NIGHT!

On the sixth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 I may have fallen just a bit behind on my posts. So many overlapping holidays this year, and travels, and shopping, and not-buying... you understand.

Almost all holidays have traditional foods associated with them, and Chanukah is no exception. Remembering the miracle of the oil and light, it is traditional to eat foods fried in oil. Latkes, for instance, are a favorite of the season, as are sufganiyot, jelly donuts fried in oil.

YUM!

I didn't buy you latkes- if you and I were in the same location, I would absolutely make you latkes. But alas, many miles separate us.

However, it's not latkes that I didn't buy you on the sixth night of Chanukah. Instead, I didn't buy you these:

Possum flavored candy canes

These are possum flavored candy canes. Lest you fear that I did not buy you these because of their association with the other holiday in December, rest assured that it is not so. I could have bought you, but I also did not buy you, these:

These possum flavored candies, individually wrapped, are not candy canes. They are just candy.

Possum flavored candy. Sweet gray and pink striped possum flavored candy.

I have not tried this candy, so I don't know if they truly taste like possum, although to be honest, I've never tried possum either, so I wouldn't be a very good judge.

The ad copy says, though, that the candy does taste like everyone's favorite marsupial. "Garbage fed, gourmet taste!" Also from the ad: "Some describe the flavor as being like pork, but with notes of piquant swill."

Piquant swill. Flavor like pork.

Inappropriate for a Jewish holiday, I say.

Although the ad also says that it's artificial possum flavoring, if that helps. Wondering why the artificial flavoring, with so much available source material along the roadways...

On the fifth night of Chanukah I did not buy for you...

 It's night five! The fifth!

There is also a tradition for the fifth night... something involving a fifth... or ways to imbibe from a fifth...

So on the fifth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Violin decanter for a spirited fifth

This lovely decanter is just the thing for your fifth of whiskey, or bourbon,  or other fine spirits. 

I'm not buying this for you, on the fifth night, for the following reasons (take note):

The violin holds 1000 milliliters. A fifth is 750 milliliters. When you pour in your fifth, it looks like you got shorted. Is the violin 3/4 full or 1/4 empty? Or is it in 3/4 time?

The decanter is described as elegant, like a proper violin. Somehow, fine bourbon or whiskey puts me more in mind of a lively fiddle than an elegant violin- but, poe-TAY-toe, poe-TAH-toe, amiright?

After describing the fine craftsmanship and elegance of the decanter, the add goes on to say "its tuning peg functions as a leak-tight cap that you can remove to pour yourself a drink or chug straight from the glass violin." 

Chugging? From your violin's NECK? 

Even though this decanter is described as perfect for your friends who love music and drinking, and I know you love music and drinking, I'm not buying it.

If you still want to try a spirited fifth with the violin, don't fret- try this instead:

Mozart's Violin Concerto No. 5

No strings attached.

On the fourth night of Chanukah I did not buy for you...

 Fourth night- the midway point!

On the fourth night of Chanukah I did not buy for you:

These are a full dozen itty bitty rubber chickens. A dozen! Just like you buy EGGS!

I'm a fan of rubber chickens, actually. They are funny. I have one in my basement right now.

Everyone should have a rubber chicken!

So why wouldn't I buy this for you?

I'm sure there are many reasons, but basically it boils down to the fact that these biddies are itty bitty. 

Teeny tiny itty bitty biddies. If you had one in your pocket, you could reach for your keys and accidentally choke the chicken!

Let's face it, for these particular peckers, size matters.

If you think that is fowl, you are correct.

On the third night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 Happy Chanukah! Welcome to night three!

On the third night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you:

Grow a boyfriend. Also available in Grow a Girlfriend.

Behold! If you are stuck for a date (or a companion) you can grow your own.

Seriously, the DIY movement and Grow Your Own movement are both in full swing. 

Why not Create Your Own Companion? Grows up to 6 times its original size! Just add water- classic easy recipe!

WHY NOT?

Well there are a few reasons.

1. First of all, and I do hate to be picky about this, but grammar matters. This packaging reads "it's" when it should read "its" and this is simply not acceptable. I am an educator, after all.

2. I know you have lots of companions, as well as your own wonderful partner (after all, you are my DSIL*). You are never without a companion when you want one- and if you happened to be without a companion, I know you are great at making friends. Note: you make friends, and grow friendships. You are already great at this!

3. Finally, you and I both know that growing your own companion can go horribly wrong. And if you, dear reader, do not know this, you should immediately buy this book**!

Click this link to order!

See you tomorrow night!

*Dear Son in Law- to whom this blog was first dedicated in 2012 and to whom it is still addressed

** This is not shameless self-promotion. While I admit that in this promotion I have no shame, I am not promoting my own work. I am promoting my daughter's work. 

On the second night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Welcome to the second night of Chanukah! Night Number TWO! Night number two has traditionally been themed in this recurring blog series around... Number Two. 

In keeping with tradition, I am not buying you this:

This toilet tissue is ULTRA STRONG, so it should stand up to your crappiest day. 

It's apparently the Meijer* store brand, so it's economical**.

It's SIX double rolls - equal to TWELVE regular rolls***!

Best of all, it is THC infused to calm your ass down. Instead of rolling papers, it's rolls of paper.

So why not buy it?

1. It's a store brand. When I don't-buy for you, I don't-buy the top of the line!

2. I'm not saying you need to calm your ass down. You make that assessment yourself.

3. I may need to calm my own ass down. I may keep this.

4. That is, if I can find it. The truth is, I have not seen this product at my local Meijer store. I strongly suspect some AI is having some fun with us. I need to go to the "library" to get to the "bottom" of this. Although, this product from the Brits seems legit- but is out of stock (and also out of THC- just CBD, just saying)-

So- on night number two, clean up, calm down, light up...

YOUR MENORAH! Light up your MENORAH!

* Do you even have Meijer in your neck of the woods? Is it just a Michigan thing?

** Since this is a store brand- which is usually the equivalent of generic, right?- what is the national brand? Why have I not heard of this before?

*** Except - are there even regular rolls anymore? I feel like all I see on shelves are double rolls.

On the first night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Happy Hanukkah 5785!

After a hiatus, I'm working on a return to this tradition - sharing with my DSIL* what I did not buy for him for Chanukah.

Which I also did not buy for you, dear reader.

This year, the winter holidays overlap. As you know, Christmas is on December 25th. This year, as every year, Chanukah begins on the 25th- of the Hebrew month of Kislev. This year, the evening of December 25th is the beginning of the 25th of Kislev.

On this first night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you... a Festive Holiday Flamingo.

Of course, I have not-bought you Chanukah Flamingos in the past- witness for example the Gotta-Go Flamingo. **

Why the semi-repeat? Well, the previous flamingo was festive but not holiday specific. Also, that one was Gotta-Go, and this one, you gotta blow... it up.

This one is definitely holiday specific. In fact, not only does this Festive Flamingo sport a jaunty Santa cap, the Flamingo hangs out with Santa! This is the full picture:

So why am I not buying these for you?

1. It's not in a store. It was on someone's lawn. If I acquired it for you, I'm pretty sure that's theft.

2. This Flamingo is sitting down on the job. Flamingos are FAMOUS for standing- like, on one foot. Which is sort of Talmudic, which almost could overcome the next objection- if indeed this dang Flamingo was standing on one foot***.

3. Even though it is holiday-specific, it is once again the wrong holiday as so many gifts seem to be... in December.

*DSIL= Dear Son In Law

** Past non-purchases have reappeared in this blog from time to time- and some have become purchases! This year, I did buy for my DSIL something I did not buy years ago- socks. In 2013, I did not buy a squatty potty and Poo-Pouri, both of which were revisited in 2018- when we discovered what trend setters we were, seeing these items on store shelves everywhere (or at least at Costco)! Fun fact: DSIL has actually purchased some of the items that I did not buy for him, after becoming intrigued by the product in this blog!

*** According to Talmudic legend, a man asked the great sages to teach him all of Torah while he stood on one foot. He first went to the great sage Shammai, who heard the impertinent question and smacked the guy upside the head. Recovering, the guy went to Hillel, who answered: That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is the whole of the Torah. The rest is commentary. Go and learn it.

5779: On the eighth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Last night we lit all eight candles, ushering in the last of the eight days of Chanukah.

So today, here are your last gifts.

I am not-giving you socks.

It's not because of your age.  Although, according to this chart, socks may soon bring you joy:

Anyone know who created this chart? Because I'd LOVE to give them credit!

It also is not because there are no really clever socks out there- how about these:

Make sure your pants cuffs are long enough, and/or don't cross your legs at that meeting. Unless you really want to make a statement about that meeting.

These socks also seem to call your name:

So there are appropriately inappropriate socks out there for you.  However, socks are related to stockings, which really are for a holiday in another tradition, so... no.

Also not buying you hand-wearables (I would say gloves, but if you will recall the HANDERPANTS that I did not-give you already, there is some confusion these days with what is appropriate garb for hands!).

There are hands masquerading as feet:

It is noted on the site that this is sold as a Finger Foot. Not Finger Feet-- although they declare that IF you buy two, they will probably find a left and a right Finger Foot.

Or these:

I did not scrutinize the fine print to see if you have to buy two, or if they assume you are ambi-duckstrous*

Also not buying this:

Although now, I believe we have strayed from the apparel to the a- puppet realm of gift giving. Why wouldn't I give you this delightful handicorn? Who wouldn't love a unicorn at their finger tips?

Many reasons, but two come to mind:

1. Handicorn sounds too much like candy corn, thus completely confusing a sugar holiday with a fat and carb holiday. Plus, you shouldn't chew your fingers.

2. Please note which finger is lifted to salute you with the unicorn's horn. WHAT KIND OF SALUTE IS THAT?

This does not sound like a unicorn thing to do. This is much more a cat thing to do.

Farewell until next time.

Once again, I harbor hope that I will be writing more in this blog between now and next Chanukah, but in case I don't or in case you don't read it if I do, take care of yourself and please come back and read me next time!

_____________________________


* Not apologizing. Why do you expect it? HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?

5779: On the seventh night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

I was SO CLOSE to actually posting each day of Chanukah on the actual DAY.

The seventh day was my downfall.

Here is what I fully intended not-giving you on day seven of Chanukah:

Snacks.

The festival of lights is the FEASTival of fried! We celebrate oil! We make lotsa-latkes! We fry up some sufganiyot (that's hot jelly donuts, my friend!). We eat chocolate gelt (gold foil wrapped around chocolate so it looks like MONEY!-- I have no idea why this is a thing, somebody help me out here, but it is definitely a thing!).

So we eat. But not these things:

I found assorted gums with clever titles: I hope eye rolling counts as cardio gum, I’m sorry I called you an asshole—I thought you knew gum, I have PMS & GPS: I’m a bitch and I WILL find you gum, I’m not sarcastic I’m just mean gum, cat butt gum—

Okay, that last one wasn’t especially clever, but you get the idea. These are just GUM with labels*.

You are a creative guy. You can label your own gum. 

Also not buying you these:

 

Or these:

Snacks, yes. But do these say Chanukah to you? Chanukah is fats (all that oil!) and carbs (all those potatoes!). Don't let the cheddar cheese or the sour cream & onion fool you-- these are protein snacks**!  

Besides, how would you know if you were crunching an ordinary cricket, or your conscience, by Jiminy?!?

Nope. 

I did consider these mints, though.

However, the timing is all wrong. You are far too young for Retiremints; and let's face it, Atonemints are more properly offered at Yom Kippur.

I hope you had a happy seventh day of Chanukah!

 ______________

*At least, I HOPE cat butt gum is just regular gum with a label saying cat butt!

**I know this because when I was substitute teaching, I taught a science class to fourth graders about eating bugs. "BUG BITES. Earth Science News for kids in Scholastic News."

On the eighth night of Chanukah*, I did not give to you...

The last night! What can I not give you?

How about this:

No, it isn't a gun rack. No, it isn't even a gun.

It is a lighter. It is a firearm for starting fires.

I found these at the grocery store** (that's where I didn't buy it).

It's hard to guess the scale from the picture, so I will tell you that each of these is about 15 inches long. 

If you look closely, you can see that each lighter is thoughtfully tagged with a print out of the Second Amendment.

That tag is one of the reasons I didn't give this to you last night. I fear that in the current political climate, referencing the Second Amendment could be inflammatory.

I mean, either side of the debate might think you were making light of their position.

Also, to the best of my knowledge, you don't have a barbecue. This is clearly labeled as a barbecue lighter.

Enjoy this last day of Chanukah- however you spell it.


*This is my Dear Husband's preferred English transliteration- well, actually, with this underlining: Chanukah. But I wasn't able to do the underlining in the title.

** I'm actually thinking of a new blog series: #notgroceriesatgrocerystore!

On the seventh night of Hanukah, I did not give to you...

On the penultimate night of the holiday, what did I not give you?

 This is the festival of lights. As the darkness and cold of winter approach, we kindle our candles to spread light and warmth.

But sometimes, we must face the darkness.

This gift I am not giving you is not for the faint of heart. Be warned.

These are zombie garden gnomes and they are gnawing on a fellow lawn ornament:

Why am I not giving you this? Well, although I have very little compassion for pink flamingo lawn ornaments, not even the pinkos deserve this fate.

Plus, it's kind of disgusting.

But the real reason I am not giving this to you is (and I hate to break it to you):

Gnomes, like jolly old elves, are not real.

On the sixth night of Haneka*, I did not give to you...

On the sixth night of Haneka, what did I not give you?

The sixth night was also Shabbat, so we celebrated at our temple with a Latke-palooza! That's right, delicious latkes and other treats were shared in a festive meal at our temple before Shabbat services.

Like many Jewish holidays, this one can be boiled down to:
They tried to kill us.
We won.
Let's eat!

So, just so that you are always ready to dine (and I know you are!) I am not giving you these:

These are picnic pants. I've seen them described as "jeans and harem pants" but honestly I don't see the sexy harem pants in these. However, they are pants with a built-in table! AND a side pouch for your beer can! See food! Grab food! Cop a squat and eat!

Perhaps the Huff post describes them best in this article.

Perhaps you are wondering why I am not giving these to you?

I think they are ugly. However, as always, YAMV**.

On to the PENULTIMATE*** NIGHT OF HANEKA!

* I actually don't think this is a good spelling for the holiday, but I'm enjoying the variety.
** "Your Aesthetic May Vary"
*** I love using the word "penultimate".****
**** I also love asterisks.

On the fifth night of Khanukkah*, I did not give to you...

On the fifth night, perhaps I should not-give you a fifth?

Oh, you thought I meant something else?

(No, that would  be something I would give you!)

I was thinking instead of not giving you this:

Everyone enjoys a peace of toast!**

However, due to limitations of counter space, this is something I am not giving you. Besides, there is only one peace.

Although, I think there is peace on both sides.

* Perhaps my favorite spelling thus far.

** Or a toast to peace! With the fifth! Or should I take the fifth?