Adventures in substituting for everyone...

I have referenced the fact that I have been fulfilling my grandmother's antiquated expectations.

I am in the office today, as Jill-of-all-trades, working as financial assistant's assistant.

I am, thus, the fine ass ass.

Or so it seems to me.

Today, the fine ass called in sick (it's Monday) and I am signing in under the login and password of the full on fine ass.

Let it be so noted. PS. I originally wrote this post a few weeks ago. It is not Monday today. As it happens, it is Friday the 13th and I am now subbing for the secretary.

Upcoming

The next several weeks are busy. Today I am subbing for the Spanish teacher for 7th and 8th grade. Tomorrow I have a webinar to "attend" in the school finance department. Then-- the weekend! Monday, I am either babysitting for my sweet grandson or working at the school. Not sure yet about Tuesday, but I am subbing Wednesday. Then, Thursday after work we are driving to Chicago for a production meeting for my next directing gig. Back home for a day, then flying out to Alabama to visit my dad December 22-27. I'll also get to visit Dear Daughter number 1 and her fiance. Then back home and have periodontal work done before the end of the year to use up our insurance funds before more big work next year. January 2 I am back in Chicago for 6 weeks to direct the rehearsals for the world premiere of Unshelved. Back home the second week of February to start more extensive periodontal work. Yuck. Expensive and scary. Yuck. MEANWHILE keep helping with wedding planning and funding for the spring wedding. After that? We'll see.

On the eighth night of Channukah, I did not buy for you...

Channukah's over. There's just one gift left that I didn't buy for you.

This is a Pocket Hose.

It's the hose that grows.

It's so easy...

Just turn on and watch it grow.

Easy to handle.

Is that a hose in your pocket, or...

Why didn't I buy this?

That's the beauty of the Pocket Hose. You don't have to buy it to make the jokes.

You just have to know that it exists.

(Buying it would be too kinky. Never good for a hose.)

On the seventh night of Channukah I did not buy for you...

On the seventh night of Channukah, I did not buy for you...

 

This is a RetroPhone.

 

 

This Retro Phone is an attachment for your cell phone. It resembles the handsets of phones of my youth. You attach it to your cell phone.

 

 

That's right, you attach the old-fashioned hand set to your cell phone-- you know, the cell phone that you keep wanting to get slimmer and more light weight.

 

 

You can get even more retro than the above. Try this:

 



This is a Victorian-styled Retro Phone handset. You attach it to your cell phone. This one is especially designed for those who love steam-punk-style. As noted on the website selling this one:

"Victorian themed handset for fans of history or steampunk fashion

Take phone calls while staying in character

Materials: Plastic, finished to look like antiqued brass & wood"

See, it's plastic, but finished to look like real antique brass and wood!

Now, the one promo point that I have read on this item that makes some kind of sense to me is "reduces harmful radiation from cell phones."

Okay. I could get behind that.

Although, one could just learn to use the dang ear bud and microphone that came with the cell phone.

Or-- really radical thought-- reduce time on the cell phone and maximize face-to-face time.

(I know, I know, I'm a phone phobic. So that would be my advice!)

On the sixth night of Channukah, I did not buy for you...

On Monday night, I was busy not-buying your Channukah present! Guess what I didn't buy for you on the sixth night?

I did not buy you a Flash Light Friend.

True, it is the Festival of Lights.

True, we all could use a friend.

True, this is HUGGABLE! and LOVEABLE!

And a flashlight.

However...

 

Read the fine print: It shuts off after 20 minutes and never gets hot.

 

 

All that cuddling, and then it shuts off before it gets hot?

 

Besides, the friends you have already are quite enlightening. Or enlightened. Or both.

On the fifth night of Channukah, I did not buy for you...

I'm still behind, *butt* not as far behind as(s) I was in the last post...

Okay, enough with the scatological references.  On the fifth night of Channukah, I did not buy for you:

YES! This is a Twinkies Maker! With this you can make your own fresh, hot, cream stuffed twinkies!

 

(insert inappropriate joke here)

 

WHY wouldn't I buy you such a device?

 

 Comes with its own oven.

 

This is why: Twinkies are the one edible item with a shelf life of like, a gazillion years. The POINT is not FRESHNESS! The point is SHELF LIFE! This machine is not a Twinkie-maker, it is the Anti-Twinkie!

 

At least, that is my story and I am sticking to it.

 

On the first/second/third/fourth night of Channukah, I did not buy for you...

Channukah came quite early this year on the standard calendar. So of course I am behind on my not-buying gifts this year. (As you may recall, last year I blogged on all eight nights of what I was not-buying for my Dear Daughter's Significant Other).

So, here is a mighty mega-post with ALL FOUR OF THE NIGHTS SO FAR in one post.

DDSO: I don't know why, but many of the items I am refusing to buy for you are scatological in nature. For instance:

These are fart-filtering underwear. I kid you not. I did not buy this for you for a few reasons.
1. These are called Shreddies. How could I buy you something called Shreddies?
2. These are imported fart-filtering underwear. I am trying to buy American.
3. Apparently these have been fart-tested butt the reviewers say nothing about the sound-baffling abilities of the undergarment. Insufficient, I say.


On the second night of Channukah, I did not buy for you:

This multi-pack provides woods-ready TP with Deer Flask / Shot glass. I did not buy these for you for following reasons:
1. The TP looks suspiciously like bark, especially the green-brown roll.
2. I don't like the voyeuristic buck watching the wipe in action.
3. Deer flask? Really, I don't think we should be enabling alcoholic deer.
4. It says there is a "Handy Loading Funnel Included". It doesn't specify loading what. Loading your rifle? Getting the deer loaded (not to be encouraged- see #3 above)? A funnel for your "load," pre or post wipe? One shudders to think.

On the third night of Channukah, I did not buy for you:

This is Poo-Pourri. It is a real product with several funny videos marketing it. Why didn't I buy it for you? Too hard to choose between fragrances: Sh*ttin' Pretty? - apparently too feminine. Could have gone for manly scents like Royal Flush or Trap-a-Crap...

On the fourth night of Channukah, I did not buy for you:

This is a Squatty-potty. Apparently, this is the solution to all our poop problems. This footrest can prevent appendicitis, diverticulitis, and who-knows-what-all!

Why didn't I buy this for you? I'm not sure.

But, I hope this one post will get rid of all the sh*tty gift ideas.