betrayal

I'm sure you've done your research.

I'm sure your acting coach's instructions to "diversify your stage experience" will help you improve your resume.

Help YOU (singular) improve YOUR (singular) resume.

And maybe you are right.

But it flies in the face of everything I believe and have experienced about ensemble.

And it feels like a knife in the back and a kick in the ass to me.

ME (singular) who helped YOU a lot.

But, apparently, I haven't done enough for you lately, for you to remember that WE trumps YOU or ME in theatre art.

contradictions and ambiguities

I -- probably much like you-- am a mass of contradictions and ambiguities. I am a fierce feminist who spent close to 20 years as a stay-at-home mom. I have been a liberal Jewish woman in an overwhelmingly Christian conservative community. I have been now almost 30 years married -- while still having reservations about the institution-- as an institution.

Even my beginnings are ambiguous.

I have always gone by a birth year of 1956; July 1956. That is what all my ID says.

And yet-- on my birth certificate, which records my birth as July 1956-- but says my birth was *reported* to the Clerk's office in August of 1955.

1955.

Possibly just a clerical error. And I have asked my mom, and said, it doesn't matter now, so tell me...and she says the 1956 year is right.

And yet-- in my baby book, there is one card, as from a baby shower, with a short note to my mom about the baby she is about to have... and it is signed and dated--

June 1955.

They're hiring at Bob Evans

They're hiring at Bob Evans, the breakfast restaurant. All shifts. With benefits.

I wonder if that is a hopeful sign for the economy?

It is a measure of the low barometer of my mood that I thought about it for a while.

I could apply.

I was a good-- no, scratch that,GREAT waitress at one time. And I made good money.

I am feeling adequate or less-than at all my current occupations.

Discouraged.

Overweight.

*sigh*

In a little while, I am off to work as a substitute teacher for a half day. I am a far, far better teacher than most of those I sub for, and I have a lot more education.

But I don't have education *in* education, so -- their jobs are safe, because I'm not qualified to replace them.

I'm teaching at university in a subject I love -- but failing to get the students engaged. Dear hubby says, that's the nature of students today! Perhaps it is harder to engage students today, but an excellent teacher should still be able to engage students.

I am gripped once more by the fear of mediocrity.

A Miracle on Monday

Yesterday was a terrible day that ended with a B"H.

The story starts earlier this summer, when we agreed to take our daughter Beth's dog Sofia to stay with us while Beth was in transition. Beth was leaving a house with a backyard for a tiny apartment for 3 months until she figured out her next step.

Sofia was rescued by Beth 6 or 7 years ago from the animal shelter in Jackson, MS. At that time, Sofia, a white Husky mix, was somewhere between 1 and 4 years old. No way to tell. She'd been living on the streets for some time. Her digestion was delicate and she was likely to throw up at a moment's notice. Nevertheless, she was the most affectionate and loving dog and a good, quiet companion for my city-dwelling daughter.

A couple weeks before we picked Sofia up from Mississippi and brought her north with us, she had stopped eating, lost weight, increased vomiting. The vet gave her some antibiotics, said, maybe it's cancer, maybe it's an infection, we'll see... and Sofia had improved somewhat.

We had her for about a month. Then, last week, she stopped eating, refused water, extremely lethargic, vomiting multiple times per day. We took her yesterday to our vet, who referred her to a specialist, and we spoke with Beth at length on the phone before together making the extremely difficult decision with the vet to let her go. Ken and I stayed with Sofia and stroked her during her injection and brought her home to be laid to rest next to our beloved Stormy. Very hard, very low.

By the time we got home, it was about 8:00 pm. About 9:00 pm we got a phone call from our son Adam. He had been speaking to Beth on the phone while she was driving (I KNOW, I KNOW!) when he heard her say OH SHIT! and then heard THUMP THUMP THUMP and then no response from Beth and then he heard some other voice saying, are you okay? are you okay?

He called us asking us to call her, to call her boyfriend to see if Danny knew about where she would be on this road trip. So Ken and I are making a flurry of calls, trying to reach her or Danny or someone in Mississippi...

Then AN ANGEL, a MENSCH of a truck driving man called us on our land line while Ken was talking to Adam again to get the full scoop-- at this point I don't know about the OH SHIT or thump THUMP THUMP, just can see by Ken's breathing this is NOT GOOD.

The truck driving MENSCH was with Beth. Most importantly, he said, SHE'S OKAY, although very shaken. I went and called Adam to relay that this all I know right now, but she's OKAY and I will call with more later when I know.

Through a series of phone calls with the MENSCH, the Rescue Squad, the hospital, and T-G-d Beth! we learned this:

As she was driving, a deer ran out in front of the SUV she was driving. Direct quote from two independent witnesses: the deer EXPLODED.

Hitting the deer caused the 18-wheeler driving behind Beth to hit Beth's vehicle from behind.

The impact of the 18 wheeler caused another 18-wheeler to hit Beth's SUV from the front.

This caused the first 18-wheeler to hit the SUV AGAIN.

The SUV was torn in two.

The only undamaged place was the driver's seat.

And another miracle: Beth got out of the SUV and WALKED AWAY.

The rescue squad took her to the hospital to check her out; the truck-driving angel FOLLOWED her and kept in touch with us and called us from the hospital.

By now, we had reached Danny- and so had the truck-driving angel- and he was on his way the 1 and1/2 hours to the hospital. By the time he got there, the doctors had run CT scans and X-rays and heaven knows what-all and were confident that she was well and took off the neck brace.

And said she could go home.

And Danny drove her home; very slowly, Beth said, because she was really not happy being in a car at that point.

All through this, we were giving Adam updates as we got them.

I am so grateful; I am so frustrated that we live so far apart.

I am so grateful, so grateful, so grateful.

mum

I know because you told me
that you were little and
that your uncle used you and your aunt never knew
or never allowed herself to know

I know because you told me
that your father ripped your innocence away
when you were four years old
and said
look what you made me do
like that would make it your fault
and it took you a lifetime
to find your anger and throw off his blame
your shame
and embrace your innocence and wholeness again

I know because you told me
that Death shoved cold fingers deep inside
taunting you
and you are still staring Death down
saying
you can't take me
I still have life to make

I know because you told me
that a stranger wearing sex as a weapon
hurt you and twisted you and
your healing is a long hard battle

I know because you told me
that life came to you but could not stay
it wasn't time
and that life left
and you were a little hollow
but almost whole

I know so much
because you told me
and so did you
and you
but I cannot tell
because it is not my story
and I only hope that
hearing you
helps you
heal

another rant about internet service providers

It has become such an old old story. Everyone has had their own experience being completely frustrated by trying to get a problem with their internet service resolved. Here is my latest.

I have my university email address set to forward to my email account with my service provider. Fortunately it was early in the semester when I discovered that emails sent to my university address were not forwarding to my main account. The emails weren't bouncing back, either. They were just disappearing into the cyber-void.

I sent a couple test emails, checked that they were sent-- and they never showed up! So I logged in to the university account, re-set the forwarding to my main account, and added the instruction that a copy of the forwarded message would also go to the university account inbox.

So now I test again. And, the email to the university account is sent-- and shows up in the university account inbox-- and STILL does not show up in my main account.

So I log on to the account help with my Internet service provider. First, I had to go through no fewer than four pages of FAQs, always choosing the last option "None of these help me" until finally I am offered a live chat with an analyst.

At last!

I could paste in the entire chat-- because I saved it-- but I will spare you. The bottom line is that once I explained the problem, the analyst immediately decided, told me, insisted (with terrible grammar)-- that the issue must be with the UNIVERSITY account, not with the Internet service email. Insisted that I take it up with the university IT department. The analyst practically slammed the door on the chat.

So, then I went in to my university email account. I changed the forwarding to a different email address-- NOT one supplied by my Internet service provider.

And guess what? The university email now forwards JUST FINE to the new email address.

August in Mississippi

Once again I am visiting my daughter, who lives in the South, in the summer.



Once again, her next visit to us in the North is scheduled for November.

I don't know why this happens- well, I guess I do. Even though we have never, in our family, taken the traditional path in education, we still find ourselves tied to the academic calendar. That's why I often end up in Mississippi in the summer.

And in our family, the tradition is that we all gather at my home for Thanksgiving in November.

Given the climate, sometimes I wonder if some *small* adjustments might be made... winter holidays in the South, perhaps?