5783 On the fourth night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

 While the fourth night of Chanukah was Wednesday, the fourth day of Chanukah is Thursday- that's how the Jewish holidays roll. It was evening, it was morning, another day.

So it's Chanukah Throw-back Thursday! 

For the fourth night/day of Chanukah, I did not buy for you a gift that reminded me of gifts of years gone by. 

This gift reminds me of a gift from the very first year- because of its function. 

This gift reminds me of another gift because its form. 

So, for the fourth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you this:

This is a Bogey Man Egg Separator. Throwback to the E-Z Egg Cracker function in year #1 (2012 or 5773). Throwback to Runny Nose Soap Dispenser of 2019/ 5780.

Why would I not buy this for you? 

Some of the original reasons still apply from year #1: You can still separate egg whites from yolks easily with things you already have!

Also, it's sort of heart-healthy, right? Focusing on the egg whites instead of the yolks? It's the freakin' HOLIDAY SEASON, mate! Who is eating healthy right now?

Also, it's sexist. Where are the Bogey-Women with their egg whites? Nobody nose. 

Wait- I said it's egg whites, you said It'sSnot?

(Still Throwback Thursday.)

5783 On the third night of Hanukkah, I did not buy for you...

 On the third night of Hanukkah, I did not buy for you...

Nothing.

Not like the jar of nothing that I didn't buy you a few years ago. Nope.

I didn't even not-buy you this:

It's Dehydrated Water- which, if you ask me, is suspiciously close to nothing.

No, it's not that "On the third night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you... nothing." 

It's that "On the third night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...nothing."

Instead of not-buying your gift, I'm not-making something. So much more personal.

Not a hand-knit sweater - Good heavens, no! Knitting needles? You could put your eye out with those things! 

No. 

There's a fine holiday tradition of making food for gift giving --even though those cookie exchanges and sugar-plums and fruit cakes and such are more Christmas than Chanukah. Still, sharing of food on joyous occasions is a tradition for all peoples, and sharing food is certainly a Jewish tradition!

SO... for the third night, I got busy and did not make you sourdough bread.

Why NOT!?! You exclaim, having enjoyed many of my delicious baked goods in the past. Banana bread, cinnamon rolls, CHEESECAKE!!

I'll tell you why not. 

Sourdough bread is made with sourdough starter, which is a living thing. You have to care for it, feed it, check on it. 

It's like having a pet. You and I both already have pets, thank you very much.

Actually, it's more like having a pet Gremlin. Because if you make an error in the care and feeding of this pet, things can go horribly wrong.

Like this:

This could happen to you!*  It's the Bread That Tried to Take Over Your Oven! 

Also, if you neglect your starter long enough, it will die. This could also happen to you!**

That's it. I'm going back to not-buying you gifts. Much safer.***

Happy Hanukkah! 

* This did happen to me.

**  This also happened to me. RIP, sourdough starter. But not before I tamed the beast:

*** Although, if I did not-make you a gift, there are handy Do It Yourself Instructions for making your own Dehydrated Water.

5783 On the Second Night of Hanukkah I did not buy for you...

There are so many holiday traditions. For some, there are gifts of pjs or crazy sweaters. For others, there are special foods that are shared (or, in the case of some fruitcakes, archived) for the holiday. 

There is the tradition, after all, of this Chanukah blog.

The blog itself has a tradition.

There is a tradition for night Number 2.

Because, it's Number 2. 

[Insert juvenile giggle here.]

Who does not recall undies in a TP can? Or the Woods Wipe Toilet Paper KIT with Deer Flask? Or the Super Dooper Reindeer Pooper? Once I didn't buy for you a veritable library on the Power of Poop! 

We could go on...

A tradition!

After ten years, though, you don't want to get bound up by tradition. You want to stay smooth, relaxed, easy. Otherwise, you could get wiped out.

So maybe it's time for something fun. A game!

On the second night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you- a game.

This is Flush'N Frenzy. It is an actual game for 2 to 4 players. You have to plunge the toilet as many times as the die tells you, and if the poop flies out you have to be the first to catch it- Bonus points if you catch the Flying Poop in Mid-Flight.  Oops, excuse me, not points- tokens. Blue chips. See below.

Why oh why am I not buying this for you?

Well...

1. It's definitely made of plastic. Not eco-friendly. If we're dealing with poo-products, let's go eco-friendly, okay? 

2. I happen to know that you have a toddler, who is 2,  and you may be more involved with toilet issues and poop chasing and catching in real life than any old game. 

On Night #2, two reasons are probably sufficient. 

Although...

I could not-buy you two gifts. 

Since this is the biggest travel season since the Pandemic, perhaps you might need:

The TravelJohn Resealable Disposable Urinal.

Both resealable and disposable.

I'm so confused. 

May all go smoothly for you. On Night Number 2.

5783 On the first night of Hanukkah I did not buy for you...

Ten years ago, I began a tradition of not-buying a gift (or eight...) for my (then) Dear Daughter's Significant Other* on each night of Chanukah. 

A decade later there are still many gifts not-to-buy! 

So on the first night of Chanukah, the Festival of Light, I did not buy for you:

Light. 

I've not-bought you light before; for instance, a pillow in the first year of the blog! Then there were the light-up friends. Let's not forget the light-saber chopsticks last year!

But all those gifts are in the past. Their appeal has dimmed. 

For the Festival of Lights this year, I had a great idea! Which means, a LIGHT BULB went off over my head!

(That's how it happens in the comic books, sonny!)

So I am not-buying you a light bulb.

This light bulb, specifically:

This is a light bulb. It goes in the light socket of your lamp. BUT IT'S SPECIAL because it is also A FLASHLIGHT!

This light bulb has a rechargeable battery and is (apparently) recharging all the time so that, if the lights go out, the lights don't go out. For 5 hours. 

You take the light out of the socket, and use it for a flashlight.

Neat, eh?

So why didn't I buy this for you on the Festival of Lights? Let me enlighten you.

1. Too practical. I believe in gifts that you wouldn't get yourself: Something whimsical or that pampers you. 

2. I believe this light bulb has an identity crisis. Is it meant to live in a lamp? Or venture out as a flashlight? A stable but staid home light, or a flasher passed hand to hand? What if the light bulb needs therapy? Electroshock therapy! NO!

3. You have a toddler in the house. You can't go modeling family members lighting light bulbs with their bodies. What if the toddler tries it?

4. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, it's a gift I'm not-buying you for Chanukah. It only stays lit for 5 hours. 

If it were for 8 hours, we might have a different conversation.

Chag Sameach!

*She is still my Dear Daughter. It's that he is now my DDS (Dear Daughter's Spouse).

This is my story

 #thisismystoryLHK

Today I have to grade SO MANY THINGS. I have to complete preparations for Passover. I have to take a Covid test so that I can attend first night Seder with a group of people, all of whom have been careful, as I have. Many of whom are especially vulnerable.

Tonight at sundown is the first night of Passover. For me, the hard part is the cleaning and planning and shopping for hard to find Kosher-for-Passover products (hard to find in my area, at least). 

What I look forward to at Passover is the coming of spring, and the time to reflect on freedom.

We commemorate and celebrate our escape from bondage in Egypt so many generations ago. The Hebrew word for Egypt can be transliterated mitzrayim. It means Egypt- and it also means "narrow places" or "blockages."

How am I to escape the narrow places, the blockages in my life?

My mom died in October. I'm still working through the narrow confines of her decline, her illness, her death, its aftermath.

The Pandemic is still ongoing. This has blocked so much for so many of us. So many losses, large and small. 

Passover is also an opportunity to envision what freedom might look like, and to map out a path.

I am struggling through narrow places. I see wilderness ahead. I am praying for visions of freedom, so that I might find my path. 

UPDATE May 2 2022

I made it through the narrow places of Passover. 

I found the Passover food. 

I and my beloved passed the Covid test:

 

It was a lovely seder. The next night, we had our own intimate seder, just we two.

I am still struggling with anxiety. I will try writing more.

 

On the eighth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 The candles are burning! My DH's* favorite night is night eight, when all the candles are glowing.

 

(If you ask me, night 4's candle looks a little drunk. Hide the Manischewitz.)

It's the Festival of Lights, so I thought about getting you this:

Festival of Lights, Light Sabers, get it?

Also CHOP STICKS, just in time for the Jewish Christmas Holiday tradition of eating Chinese food!

 

What, you thought Jewish folk don't celebrate Christmas? Well, we don't celebrate the religious holiday. Let's face it, though, Christmas is a legal holiday here in the USA. There are traditions.

Here's SNL's take on Christmas time for the Jews. 

I don't know that SNL got it 100% right, but the eating Chinese food has been a thing. 

So, why wouldn't I buy these for you?

I'm not great with chopsticks to begin with, and now we're adding electricity to this adventure?

Also lightsabers are a weapon, am I right? We're looking for Shalom! 

Somehow the blue light in the mouth reminds me of my dentist (although I am told they come in other colors as well. Kylo Red, I think).

No, I'd rather go with a nice, safe, traditional holiday gift for the People of the Book.

A book.

May the Farts be with you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

*On this particular night, a single asterisk is just to draw your attention to this note, to let you know that DH is my Dear Husband. 

On the seventh night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 I'm late, I know, I apologize. 

I thought I'd have time between grading papers and wrapping gifts and grating potatoes for latkes, but I clearly overestimated my time management skills.

Sorry about that.

This what I did not buy for you YESTERDAY. Last night. Night 7.

This is the Gotta GO Flamingo. Its neck wiggles when you feed it. It repeats what you say. Best of all, when you feed it it does a MAGIC POOP.

 

 

Who doesn't want a flamingo that poops a MAGIC POOP? 

EVERYONE wants one!

Why wouldn't I buy this for you?

Silly question!

This was the gift I didn't buy for night 7, because clearly this is a gift for night #2.