what am I supposed to do?

I am having another of those moments of existential angst.

Or, another series.

I have founded two youth theater groups. Both are still active-- the younger one, for older kids, about to celebrate its tenth anniversary is quite active, the older one, for younger (and older) kids, is about to celebrate its eighteenth anniversary. The older one (for younger kids) has been less active in recent years, while the younger one (for older kids) has been quite active.

None of my own biological children has been in a show in a number of years now.

So why am I still doing it?

I'm not getting paid-- I get an occasional stipend, which would not even cover mileage (if I were to charge mileage).

I believe in the power of young people as artists. I believe in the power of theater to transform lives.

But my faith is being challenged lately.

Since the "poisonous comedy" referenced in 2008, I have had more challenges in the culture of the organizations I have founded. Parents objecting to the material (well, if you don't think your 12 year old should be exposed to Shakespeare, so be it-- take 'em out!).

Young people treating the group as a social club -- to the point that the artistic endeavor suffers.

And young persons and older persons disrespecting me, the material and the process.

This is not what I signed on for.

At the same time, I will find -- in the same production-- that theater, my directing, Shakespeare-- some combination of these-- has changed a young person's life for the better.

All at the same time.

The tentative plan I have now is: meet with the core group of teens. Tell them how much I have been hurt. Tell them how much I believe. Ask them to join me with whole hearts.

Or leave. Leave now. Create your own group!

Or-- I could retire.

2010 could be a watershed year. Either re-invent ourselves. Or make our exits gracefully.

one month

One month later, I am disappointed and determined.

For the first three weeks I was absolutely on track with my plan.

I took my cleansing products.

I drank 8 glasses of water- minimum- per day.

I walked 10,000 steps- minimum- per day- of which total, at least 30 minutes each day was continuous walking.

I ate a modest breakfast, modest lunch, modest dinner. Dinner was finished by 7:00 pm most days.

And by the end of 3 weeks, I had lost 1 pound, and 1 inch from my waist.


In this past week, I have walked about 10,000 steps a day- but most days I have missed the 30 minutes of continuous walking.

I am taking the cleansing products - I missed 2 days when I was out of town.

I am still drinking 8 glasses of water a day.

Aiming for those 3 modest meals, but I have had a later supper or two and I had cake for my birthday, and a late night chocolate snack--

And I still remain at 1 pound lower than my starting weight and one inch off my waist.

I am disappointed, but still determined.

I will aim to get back on the walking track, back to the modest meals.

I so want this to work! Because this is something that I can keep up! But what if it's not enough? I can't yo-yo with my weight anymore!

the weight is over

You know you are overweight when the weight that first drove you to seek out Weight Watchers now looks like a desirable goal weight.

I am so tired of being depressed and repulsed when I see pictures of myself.

I am also nervous about committing to a weight loss plan.

You see, I have gone to Weight Watchers- 3 times. Each time I lost the weight and met my goal weight-- in fact, the last time, I met my goal and stayed on it long enough to become a life-long member!-- and then, each time, I have gained it all back-- plus about 7 more pounds.

It's not just Weight Watchers. I've tried other plans too, with the same result: initial success, then gaining it back plus more.

I can't afford to gain it all back plus more this time.

I know people who have had liposuction, and gained it all back plus more. I know people who have had stomach surgery, who have gained it all back plus more. I know people who have lost a LOT of weight, medically supervised, and then gained it all back plus more.

This terrifies me.

I'm going to work a plan once again. I am trying to design a plan that will work FOR ME. FOREVER.

I am starting with a colon cleansing program that is also training me to drink 8 glasses of water a day.

I am starting a walk-30-minutes-every-day plan. This is difficult for me, as walking just to walk is a challenge. However, it is summertime now, and I am getting out and walking- with my pedometer, sometimes with my dog- every day. And I will acquire, before the inclement weather begins, a treadmill. I will.

I have also signed up for an online weight tracking chart and online waistline tracking chart.

Today I begin.

all a twitter

do people really have time to keep all the different social networking -- working?

I've turned down several, and I still have Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter and Myspace. I can't keep up with them all. I'm trying to work out a schedule: Monday Myspace, Tuesday Twitter...

It is the way to keep up with people, I guess. It seems, though, that people phase through the different sites.

Once, Myspace was *IT*. Now, more of my connections are more active on Facebook.

But happens to the sites we leave behind? I even have a Livejournal kicking around someplace.

I started a Twitter account, and I don't think I've been back to it since. I have the LinkedIn because it seemed more business and less social...

But what's next?

Will Myspace soon languish with Livejournal in cyber-limbo? Will Facebook fade as a fad?

I am seriously trying to figure out how to consolidate and/or shut down these different sites.

Yet I've heard time and again, once it's out there online it is never truly gone...

However, soooo much is soooo forgotten.... and forgettable.

drama

In a certain family, a woman decided to divorce her husband of more than 20 years.

She decided to do this just a few months before her only daughter's wedding.

Now, she has said to one soon-to-be-ex-in-law, that she can't believe that her soon-to-be-ex-sister-in-law (S2BX-SIL) "isn't returning her calls." That she, the Divorcing Woman (DW) wants to hold the only shower for her daughter, giving it with her friends. That she, the DW, doesn't want any of her (the DW's) family invited to the shower.

This all is getting back to the S2BX-SIL, who is thinking, all I wanted to do was to give my niece a shower.

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stories: why I became a theater artist

I struggle in my relationship with my father. Ever since my brother was born, it was clear that as the only son, my brother was also the favorite child.

My dad has tried to be supportive from time to time. My dad is NOT a feminist, but he has tried to be enlightened from time to time.

For instance, when I came home with some extraordinarily high score on some standardized test or other, my father urged me to broaden my horizons.

He said, "These are great scores. You could do anything. You don't have to feel limited because you are a girl. You could do anything... you could become a doctor, a lawyer, an engineer... as long as it didn't require talent, you could do it."

So I became an actor.