On the second night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Welcome to the second day of Chanukah! 

Last night we lit the second candle. 

Candle number 2.

Number 2 is something of a tradition.

In the first year of not-giving, on day #2, it was underwear in a T.P. can.

In the following years, we enjoyed not-buying a variety of items:

woodsy T.P.

 fart filters and mitten butt wipes

reindeer pooping chocolate raisins..

Notice a trend?

What number two themed gift could I not-buy for you this year?

Well...

I noticed that you have been gardening. Not now, during Kislev, but earlier in Elul (you know, August). You were hefting some major mulch as you worked. 

You know what is even better for a garden?

Sh*t.

Manure, actually. It's all natural! It's building the soil! Improving your garden!

Goes** with our theme.

 There's slow release compost poop.

 

 

There's spiritually uplifting compost cow poop. This is called Wholly Cow.

 There is mildly insulting compost poop***.

 

 

You can let your doggie doo doo do it.

Or you can even do it yourself.

With all these options, and all these benefits, why wouldn't I buy this for you?

Simple, really.

I don't want to give you sh*t.

No sh*t.

Have a wonderful day Number Two of Chanukah! Hope everything comes out okay!
 

* the single asterisk stands for the letter "i"

** "Goes" - get it? Gotta GO...

*** Because it's chicken sh*t

On the first night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you (5782 edition)

 It is that time once again! Chanukah begins tonight*! 

Even though it has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year** in so many ways, there are always moments to lift us up and light our way.

Chanukah, the festival of lights, should bring light into our lives. So to you, dear SIL***, and you, dear readers, I once again will not buy for you at least eight gifts for Chanukah.

 Beginning with this:

This is a gift (that I'm not buying) of Fitness Dice. It takes the WORK out of your WORK OUT.

You roll 6 of the dice to find out how you'll be working out. Then you roll out the 7th to see how many reps**** you will do.

Why would I not buy this for you? I know that you work out. I know that in this pandemic year, you haven't been able to go to the gym. So, why not Fitness Dice?

Basically three reasons:

1. Misleading advertising. Takes the "work out of working out." Quite honestly, choosing what exercises to do is the very LEAST of the WORK in a workout*****. 

2. Dice is one thing  - well actually, DICE is PLURAL things, and that 7th one is a DIE. I will not offer you to die, even if it is a mere homophone.******

3. Finally, you are rolling the dice, which is gambling. You should not gamble with your health.

So, stop begging, it's no dice.

* Did you know that Chanukah ALWAYS starts on the 25th? It's true. The 25th of Kislev. Not December.

** Such a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year that I did consider moving to Australia. Except their borders were closed. Also, apologies to Judith Viorst.

*** This tradition began in Kislev of 5773 (that would be December of 2012) when my now S-I-L (Son-in-law) was my DDSO (Dear Daughter's Significant Other).  This gift has kept on giving.

**** "Reps" = "repetition of the exercise". I looked it up. You're welcome.

***** Seriously, choosing the exercise is work? Just THINKING about the exercising is such work for me that I'm considering not-not buying (I mean, buying!) this nice Nap Anywhere pillow - for myself!

 

 

I can nap anywhere, and almost any time. It's a gift. I try not to brag.

 

****** I am not homophonic. I swear.