gratitude

My friend LB shared this on her Facebook page:

 

And, on the same day, I answered a friend's invitation to join a group "5 a day" that invites members to post 5 things each day for which they are grateful.

I've joined the group and I'm going to start the jar.

I wrote thank you notes today that will go out in the mail tomorrow, for the tangible gifts given in the past weeks by those I love.

It's harder to say thank-you for the less tangible gifts.

It's hard to remember to be grateful when we are stuggling with loss and with illness - whether our own illness or that of one we love.

There is much to be grateful for, even on hard days.

There have been a lot of high points in the past year. I will work on chronicling them.

"...or you could get hit by a bus."

Once, I was grumbling and complaining because I had been doing things right and doing a good job and it was all for naught, or so it seemed.

My friend Meg wrote to me with words of commiseration, and said: "I often think that most proverbs should end with, '...but remember you can always get hit by a literal or metaphorical bus.'"

So all those words of advice - Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise- are not worthless, but they are in need of that caveat-- but you might get hit by a bus.

My friend Meg is a wise woman. She's had her early-to-bed-and-early-to-rise days and nights.

And she has met some buses, too.

I'm trying to make sense of some senseless and sad things, and Meg's words keep coming back to me.

I'm going to keep trying to do my best.

I'm going to be aware that I could still get hit by a bus (and lately it seems like I'm in a high traffic area).

But, what matters, really, is that even knowing about the buses, I keep trying to do my best.

I'm not especially happy with this post right now, but I'm not especially happy at the moment. I'll come back, when I can, and try to get to what I'm trying to say.

But for now, at least I've said part of it.

On the eighth night of Channuka, I did not buy for you...

On the eighth night of Channuka, I did not buy for you...*

To wrap up** the not-giving of gifts, I offer you these two:

The Spider-sense Spider-Man Comfy Throw

and

the Spider-sense Spider-Man Bath Poncho.

Each of these items is comfy! Warm! Heroic!

And yet, I did not buy them for you.

Why not? I hear you ask...beg... cry...query***!

It's not a crock!  It's not scatological humor disguised as undergarments (or vice versa)! It's not pandering to laziness! It's not an erotic appliance! It's not a pillow at cross purposes with sleep! It's not something that pisses off your cat! It's not completely inappropriate!

SO WHY DIDN'T I BUY ONE OF THESE?

The answer is quite simple:

I could not find them in your size.

Which, as my 6 foot 3 inch tall nephew informed me, is just wrong. They should make them in adult sizes!

I guess I need to write to the companies.

* Tell me you haven't been singing the title every night.

** wrap up, get it?

*** okay, so maybe I didn't hear you query, but I definitely heard asking and begging.

On the seventh night of Hannuka, I did not buy for you...

It is the seventh night. The penultimate night (I like that word, penultimate). I've been saving this night for things that I'm not buying for you, Dear Daughter's Significant Other, because, well, it's just inappropriate.

I KNOW! ME, saying something is "inappropriate"! But really...

 



Sponge Bob with his tongue out to wash your body is wrong. Dead wrong. So wrong. We are not going there.

Also wrong:

This has "built in fingers" -- "rubber fingers" that "reach deep into carpet".

Euphemism! Clearly, carpet means...

Well...

PLUS, it's REUSABLE. I'm not comfortable with that.

AND THERE ARE STILL MORE...

"Men's Sleep Shorts"? Really? How much sleeping is expected to be done in pants steeped in hot sauce?

And let us not forget:

 

Yes, I am aware that this is supposedly an "exercise" tool. BUT...

 

Shake?

Firm?

Fabulous?

 

 

AND I have seen the video on SNL

So, completely inappropriate.

 

I'm not getting any of these for you.

 

What you do with other consenting adults is completely up to you.

 

And Sponge Bob.

 





On the sixth night of Hanuka, I did not buy for you...

Night six!

I should be done with my Channuka shopping by now, but I'm not. At least, I know what I am buying.

And not buying.

Tonight, I am not buying for you:

 

This is an electric Doggie Biscuit Kit. This is even more multi-national than the EZCracker

- It's in English, French and Spanish. The perfect gift for the North American dog owner!

I particularly like that it not only comes with a carrying tin, and cute little biscuit cutters, but also with a decorating set!

You can decorate your freshly baked dog biscuits! HOT DOG! (Not this hot dog, but like "hot diggity dog, what fun!)

With all this, why would I not buy this for you, Dear Daughter's Significant Other?

Because I feel certain that the cat would get jealous.

I did think about this lovely group of mugs-- but again, I'd have to get 'em all.

 

Maybe I should have bought those-- it says they are giftable.

 

Now that's a recommendation for you.



On the fifth night of Channuka, I did not buy for you...

Already the fifth night of Chanukka, and the candles are dancing and flickering!

Guess what I didn't buy you tonight?

After the candles burn low and finally fade, it's time to get some shut eye. So you cuddle down to sleep with...

a pillow that lights up?

Aren't pillows for lights OUT?

Not to worry, it shuts itself off after 15 minutes. Fifteen minutes while you rest your keppie* on an "ultra soft" pillow that glows with a "soothing light".

On 3 AAA batteries (not included**).

Now, I don't know about you, but I'm trying to learn how to use the earpieces for my smart phone so I don't have all that electromagnetic energy by my ear (near my brain). I sure don't want to sleep on batteries.

The "Starlight Square" light up pillow is pictured; I'm really glad I didn't buy you the alternative: "Pink Beating Heart".

Edgar Allan Poe, anyone?

Good night, and see you tomorrow!


*keppie, keppeleh- Yiddish for your sweet li'l head.

**(I didn't buy the batteries either)

On the fourth night of Channuka, I did not buy for you...

It's the fourth night of Hanukah! The last night of the first half! Think of all that I haven't bought for Channukka!

Jim Beam Bacon Mustard (a real crock)

Boxer shorts hiding in a tin T.P. can on night Number Two (I said "Number Two"-- heh heh heh!)

The laziest utensil- it cracks me up!

While we are talking about tools to enable our laziness-- how about this:



No more exhausting bending to clean your feet! Think of that! I was going to include this last night, but I was tired from all that typing.

But that's not what I'm not giving you tonight. What I'm not giving you tonight is this:

This is a pop-up hot dog toaster.

Okay, here are the questions:

1. Do you need an appliance to warm your buns?

2. Do you need an appliance to get your weiner hot?

3. Do you need an appliance to pop your weiner up?

Now, if the answer to any of the above is "yes"-- I'm not here to judge, but--

I'm also not here to buy that appliance!





On the third day of Hannuka, I did not buy for you:

It's the third night of Chanuka and I didn't buy you this*:

Why didn't I? There are lots of reasons, but let's start with:

1. How lazy are we if we need an easier way to CRACK EGGS? Who was sitting around thinking, You know what is hard? Cracking eggs, man, that is HARD work! We need a tool for that! We need technology!**

2. I like a fun new kitchen gadget as much as the next gal (or guy) but honestly, this has to be one of the most over-packaged over-specialized utensils ever created-- right?

3. So it also separates egg whites-- so what? You can do that easily enough with stuff you already have.

Happy Holidays!


*I think this might be Canadian. Regardez les deux langues. Or maybe United States entrepreneurs are trying to market this to Canada-- eh?

**At least it doesn't use batteries-- at least, I don't think it uses batteries...

On the second night of Hannukah, I did not buy for you*...;

On the second night of Hannuka, I did not buy you this**:

This is a can shaped like a roll of toilet paper. What you can't see in this photo is that there is, in fact, a hole on the top of the can, apparently going the length of the can, giving that characteristic ready-to-roll shape.

Since it says "I need T.P." in emphatic type on the outside of the tin (apparently emphatically stated by our pals Beavis and Butt-head), and since it is shaped like a roll of toilet paper, one might surmise that the tin contains toilet paper.

Butt no!

This is a toilet-paper-roll-shaped tin can containing boxer shorts.

I find myself asking:

1. Is this an invitation for skid-marks?

2. Is this an admission that skid-marks are a foregone conclusion?

3. Am I revealing a deep and devestating lack in my poop-cultural literacy?

4. Am I over-anal-izing these issues of tissues?

Whatever the answers to these burning questions, when it came to the Big Moment, I found that I could not bear to buy undies disguised as toilet paper. Or, undies hiding in the can-- disguised as a toilet-paper container.

I couldn't.

So I didn't.

*to clarify: on the second night of Hannukah, I did not buy you this-- nor do I plan on buying this on any subsequent night.

** I wanted to point out that I posted this on night "Number Two". And this is post script "Number Two" heh heh heh.



On the first night of Hannukkah, I did not buy for you...

Herewith begins a series of at least 8 posts dedicated in part to my Dear Daughter's Significant Other, DDSO, because several of these made me think of him first.

And, because dedicating a blog is an unusual and inexpensive gift.

So, tonight:

On the first night of Hannukkah, (or Hannukah, or Channukah, or Hanuka, or Hanukkah, or

most properly):

I did not buy for you:

This is (in case you can't read it) Jim Beam (R) Bacon Mustard. A mustard gift.

So, DDSO, I didn't buy this for you because:

1. It's a bacon-mustard. Totally inappropriate for Hannukkah, (or Hannukah, or Channukah... see above).

2. Ceramic jar could easily break. In fact, the ceramic SPOON (really?) was broken in one of the packages I examined. (Not the one I photographed. Nothing but the best for your photo opp, friend!)

3. Jim Beam poured into mustard. ON PURPOSE. Really?

4. It's $12.99. Since it's a bottle of mustard, and not of Jim Beam, I thought that was out of line. Just sayin'.

Happy Holiday, however you spell it! See you tomorrow night!