Today - Thursday September 29- was the day that I was supposed to take my mom home from the hospital to live with us and continue her recovery from her THIRD spinal surgery.
But yesterday, a huge backward step- she was hallucinating, sleeping, lost coordination that she had so slowly gained.
So- not going home - yet.
My mom was so frustrated. By the evening, she was much more herself, much better with coordination- they had reduced her medication, taken some meds out, reinstated a stimulant that had been removed.
Still, when dh K came to join me at the hospital, she was convinced he had come to help her escape the hospital.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Honor your mother and father
This High Holiday season I will not have a solo to sing.
I will not sing with the choir.
I will not attend services.
I will be praying with all my being, with all my actions, with all my love-
to honor my mother; to help her in every way toward refuah sh'lmah - a complete healing.
I will not sing with the choir.
I will not attend services.
I will be praying with all my being, with all my actions, with all my love-
to honor my mother; to help her in every way toward refuah sh'lmah - a complete healing.
Friday, September 16, 2011
a rough day
I was hoping to celebrate today, have exciting news about how well my mom is doing in physical therapy.
It started out okay; we made it through the night with the FOUR dogs (my two and now her two), and I got shopping and errands done for my mom.
When I got in to visit her, I told her the stories of her dogs and she smiled. Then she told me about her night, which wasn't good, lots of pain, hard to sleep.
Then she had physical therapy. She began in her bed with ankle pumps, leg lifts, and other exercises. Then she had to pee, and part of her therapy was working through getting up, getting in to the wheelchair, getting to the bathroom. All assisted by the PT therapist. Then they went to the physical therapy room. All told, maybe 25 minutes or half an hour.
Then my mom's pain started coming back. The meds that they gave her were not helping much. Her doctor was not responding to the messages the nurses had left for him. When we got my mom's dinner, her hands, which had seemed to be getting more coordinated yesterday, were trembling and uncoordinated and she asked me to feed her.
Plus, the pain meds have her constipated.
Seeing her in so much pain is so hard.
Several times she told me "I love you so much" and there were tears in her eyes and that was so hard too.
There are positives: her control of peeing is greatly improved. And she stood, and worked really hard in physical therapy.
And I am telling myself, that the backward move in coordination is due to the fatigue and the pain.
But it is so scary. I want so much to help. I want it to be BETTER.
And it is not clearly better.
I am crying, and praying, and praying and crying. And I don't want her to see me cry.
dogs day one
I certainly feel like a packmaster! I think I should start reading and watching the dog whisperer!
I have my dogs - variously called Jasper, AKA BigHead/GoLayDown, and Jackson, AKA GetOfftheCouch.
My mom, who is in hospital, for an extended time, has asked me to care for her dogs. These dogs are much smaller than my dogs, much fatter than my dogs, and much more spoiled than my dogs.
They are:
Reba, the grand dame.
and her daughter. Tootsie:
Yesterday, K, daughter C's boyfriend, went with me to pick up my mom's dogs. The dogs never wear collars, let alone leashes or tie outs. My mom wanted me to get tie outs because she is very worried that the dogs will get loose and try to travel back to my mom's house (some 15 miles) to find her. So I had two tie outs and stakes in the car also.
I brought leashes and collars from home (luckily as part of my cleaning drawers and cabinets I had found several collars and some looked like they might fit). We took Tootsie and Reba outside and let them do their thing and then I put the collars and leashes on them.
Tootsie *freaked out* and pulled back and snaked around until she escaped from the collar! So, K picked her up and I used the leash for Reba and we put the dogs in the car. I took K back to his house and then I drove to our house, put the car in the garage, put the garage door down, and then let the dogs out. Our dogs were in the backyard.
Reba and Tootsie sniffed all around the house. My mom had told me to bring some of her clothes with her smell on them and also some blankets from their house for the dogs to lay on.
Then, I put the collars and leashes on so the dogs would pee in the front yard. My plan was to stake them out in the front yard and then bring our dogs on leashes to meet them- after my dh got home.
WELL.
Tootsie *freaked out* again and got out of the collar (don't tell my mom)- she didn't run away, just continued sniffing the lawn by Reba, so I put the collar and leash on her again, but DIDN'T pull, just encouraged Reba to go and called Tootsie so she followed along- they headed over to sniff noses with our dogs through the fence, and then I had to PICK TOOTSIE UP to take them inside.
I am definitely measuring Tootsie and buying a harness today. Maybe with the money I get back by returning the tie outs.
I came back in and spread clean sheets and throws on all the couches. There is NO WAY we will be able to train these bitches to stay off the couches!
Then I watched the end of the Tigers game - their 12th straight win!- and the dogs spent most of that time snuggling next to me on the couch.
My dh was home in time to watch the end of the Tiger's game. We talked about how to introduce the dogs to our dogs, but we had to wait until about 7:30 pm because Bob-with-a--beard came over to fix our leaky sink.
After Bob-with-a-beard left, we decided to take the little dogs in the basement, then get the big dogs on leashes, and introduce them all in the basement, which is *semi*neutral territory.
I'm sure it would have been an excellent plan had we been able to implement it!
As soon as we opened the sliding glass door, the little dogs went out and the big dogs in and the little ones came back in and the big ones went back out- anyway, no dog was on a leash once they were all butt sniffing and tail-wagging and stiff-legged with hackles up.
Except Jasper of course who was just grinning and oblivious.
There were no fights, just a couple of growls and the pack dominance order was quickly established. To absolutely no one's surprise, Reba is Queen of the Pack.
So we all settled in and watched TV. Our dogs were happy curled at our feet, and my mom's dogs were sometimes on the (sheets on the) couch and sometimes on the blankets brought from their home.
Bedtime was interesting.
We decided to put the little dogs in the side bedroom on the pile of clothes and blankets from their house.
Our dogs sleep in our bedroom ON THE FLOOR.
I gave the little dogs treats to go in the side bedroom and I closed the door.
We went to bed.
We would have ignored the whining. We would have ignored the yips. However, when the scrabbling/scratching sounded like it was starting to separate the bottom facing of the door from the door itself, we gave in to the inevitable and brought the pile of clothes into our room and brought the little dogs into our room. NO WAY are they coming in to our bed; if that happens, it's crate time.
We thought that the little dogs would lay on the clothes.
Jasper promptly laid down on the clothes.
After a couple of firm NOs when they looked up at our beds, and a few circles of the bedroom, the little dogs finally curled up on the dog mats on the floor and went to sleep.
I know my dh had some adventures trying to feed the dogs. That's going to take some work. I'm thinking maybe I will feed the little dogs after the big dogs go out, because today the little dogs did not eat their food when the dh tried feeding them in the side bedroom.
Of course, they are used to eating all day long and I am sure they are not hungry. However, living here, they will soon learn that "once in the morning does it" because Jasper will eat everything if they don't.
The little dogs scramble down our stairs just fine. They scramble up more slowly- especially Tootsie- but, you never know, they may soon lose weight at our house. All that exercise.
Such a tiny window of opportunity for food.
They are doing their business just fine outside. They don't seem to be searching for a way out of the back yard. So far, so good.
Later today, when I run some errands for my mom and then go visit her, will be their first time alone in our house. We will see how it goes. I figure I will put all garbage, etc. in the garage and close all the doors and hope for the best.
Keeping the big dogs outside in the backyard, of course.
Wish us luck!
I have my dogs - variously called Jasper, AKA BigHead/GoLayDown, and Jackson, AKA GetOfftheCouch.
My mom, who is in hospital, for an extended time, has asked me to care for her dogs. These dogs are much smaller than my dogs, much fatter than my dogs, and much more spoiled than my dogs.
They are:
Reba, the grand dame.
and her daughter. Tootsie:
Yesterday, K, daughter C's boyfriend, went with me to pick up my mom's dogs. The dogs never wear collars, let alone leashes or tie outs. My mom wanted me to get tie outs because she is very worried that the dogs will get loose and try to travel back to my mom's house (some 15 miles) to find her. So I had two tie outs and stakes in the car also.
I brought leashes and collars from home (luckily as part of my cleaning drawers and cabinets I had found several collars and some looked like they might fit). We took Tootsie and Reba outside and let them do their thing and then I put the collars and leashes on them.
Tootsie *freaked out* and pulled back and snaked around until she escaped from the collar! So, K picked her up and I used the leash for Reba and we put the dogs in the car. I took K back to his house and then I drove to our house, put the car in the garage, put the garage door down, and then let the dogs out. Our dogs were in the backyard.
Reba and Tootsie sniffed all around the house. My mom had told me to bring some of her clothes with her smell on them and also some blankets from their house for the dogs to lay on.
Then, I put the collars and leashes on so the dogs would pee in the front yard. My plan was to stake them out in the front yard and then bring our dogs on leashes to meet them- after my dh got home.
WELL.
Tootsie *freaked out* again and got out of the collar (don't tell my mom)- she didn't run away, just continued sniffing the lawn by Reba, so I put the collar and leash on her again, but DIDN'T pull, just encouraged Reba to go and called Tootsie so she followed along- they headed over to sniff noses with our dogs through the fence, and then I had to PICK TOOTSIE UP to take them inside.
I am definitely measuring Tootsie and buying a harness today. Maybe with the money I get back by returning the tie outs.
I came back in and spread clean sheets and throws on all the couches. There is NO WAY we will be able to train these bitches to stay off the couches!
Then I watched the end of the Tigers game - their 12th straight win!- and the dogs spent most of that time snuggling next to me on the couch.
My dh was home in time to watch the end of the Tiger's game. We talked about how to introduce the dogs to our dogs, but we had to wait until about 7:30 pm because Bob-with-a--beard came over to fix our leaky sink.
After Bob-with-a-beard left, we decided to take the little dogs in the basement, then get the big dogs on leashes, and introduce them all in the basement, which is *semi*neutral territory.
I'm sure it would have been an excellent plan had we been able to implement it!
As soon as we opened the sliding glass door, the little dogs went out and the big dogs in and the little ones came back in and the big ones went back out- anyway, no dog was on a leash once they were all butt sniffing and tail-wagging and stiff-legged with hackles up.
Except Jasper of course who was just grinning and oblivious.
There were no fights, just a couple of growls and the pack dominance order was quickly established. To absolutely no one's surprise, Reba is Queen of the Pack.
So we all settled in and watched TV. Our dogs were happy curled at our feet, and my mom's dogs were sometimes on the (sheets on the) couch and sometimes on the blankets brought from their home.
Bedtime was interesting.
We decided to put the little dogs in the side bedroom on the pile of clothes and blankets from their house.
Our dogs sleep in our bedroom ON THE FLOOR.
I gave the little dogs treats to go in the side bedroom and I closed the door.
We went to bed.
We would have ignored the whining. We would have ignored the yips. However, when the scrabbling/scratching sounded like it was starting to separate the bottom facing of the door from the door itself, we gave in to the inevitable and brought the pile of clothes into our room and brought the little dogs into our room. NO WAY are they coming in to our bed; if that happens, it's crate time.
We thought that the little dogs would lay on the clothes.
Jasper promptly laid down on the clothes.
After a couple of firm NOs when they looked up at our beds, and a few circles of the bedroom, the little dogs finally curled up on the dog mats on the floor and went to sleep.
I know my dh had some adventures trying to feed the dogs. That's going to take some work. I'm thinking maybe I will feed the little dogs after the big dogs go out, because today the little dogs did not eat their food when the dh tried feeding them in the side bedroom.
Of course, they are used to eating all day long and I am sure they are not hungry. However, living here, they will soon learn that "once in the morning does it" because Jasper will eat everything if they don't.
The little dogs scramble down our stairs just fine. They scramble up more slowly- especially Tootsie- but, you never know, they may soon lose weight at our house. All that exercise.
Such a tiny window of opportunity for food.
They are doing their business just fine outside. They don't seem to be searching for a way out of the back yard. So far, so good.
Later today, when I run some errands for my mom and then go visit her, will be their first time alone in our house. We will see how it goes. I figure I will put all garbage, etc. in the garage and close all the doors and hope for the best.
Keeping the big dogs outside in the backyard, of course.
Wish us luck!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
the least favored child
The good news is that my mom has had her surgery and that we are guardedly optimistic about the prognosis.
The good news is that I am spending more time with my brother and my sister.
Visiting with each of them individually, the subject of my dad came up.
And I could feel my heart twist.
When my sister brought it up- and I don't even remember the context- but something made me say it out loud:
It still hurts, I said, even though I have tried hard to make my peace with it, that I am the least favored child.
Oh, you're not! she said.
I am, I know it, I said. I know he comes in to town and sees you, and sees our brother, and never calls me. I know it. It still hurts.
But you're not the least favorite! she said. What about- and she named his sister, one of his grandchildren, his niece.
I meant, I said, of we siblings.
There was a long and uncomfortable pause.
Well, not always, she said.
The good news is that I am spending more time with my brother and my sister.
Visiting with each of them individually, the subject of my dad came up.
And I could feel my heart twist.
When my sister brought it up- and I don't even remember the context- but something made me say it out loud:
It still hurts, I said, even though I have tried hard to make my peace with it, that I am the least favored child.
Oh, you're not! she said.
I am, I know it, I said. I know he comes in to town and sees you, and sees our brother, and never calls me. I know it. It still hurts.
But you're not the least favorite! she said. What about- and she named his sister, one of his grandchildren, his niece.
I meant, I said, of we siblings.
There was a long and uncomfortable pause.
Well, not always, she said.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
but not for me
I see someone far less talented as a teacher, as a director - full time and apparently inner circle at the place where I taught (past tense).
I see what was once my theater troupe is about to have a theater- with real dressing rooms!
Once I leave, these opportunities are found.
But not for me.
Why?
I see what was once my theater troupe is about to have a theater- with real dressing rooms!
Once I leave, these opportunities are found.
But not for me.
Why?
the rest of trip
where were we??
Honestly, it's been so long that I have forgotten some of the details. I know we tried the miracle berry. And watched a video of our dear daughter's play that had closed the weekend before we arrived. And we ate a huge brunch on Saturday?Sunday? before arriving at NM's home for (we thought) just some mojitos with her and her folks- and walked into a HUGE feast of delicious food- NO WAY could we do it justice as we were still groaning from over indulging at brunch!
It was, in every way, a wonderful weekend- just too short, as these weekends always are.
Honestly, it's been so long that I have forgotten some of the details. I know we tried the miracle berry. And watched a video of our dear daughter's play that had closed the weekend before we arrived. And we ate a huge brunch on Saturday?Sunday? before arriving at NM's home for (we thought) just some mojitos with her and her folks- and walked into a HUGE feast of delicious food- NO WAY could we do it justice as we were still groaning from over indulging at brunch!
It was, in every way, a wonderful weekend- just too short, as these weekends always are.
the real F word
While rehearsing Shakespeare in the park with my teen theater troupe, some of the moms approached me.
Could I speak to the teens about the appropriate use of language? Some of the foul mouthed vulgarisms- especially from some of the teen boys- especially around the younger kids- especially around some of the conservative moms- could I talk to the kids....?
So I thought about it. And this is the gist of what I said:
Language is powerful. Working with the beauty and the power of Shakespeare, I know this. You know that words can be beautiful and words can be ugly.
The words are beautiful and powerful and healing or hateful because of how we use them and what we understand from them.
It matters as much to whom we say it, as what words we use when we speak.
Here is one story.
When my kids were little, one of the families that we were friends with were conservative Christians, with strict standards of behavior. My daughter who was perhaps 10 at the time, reported this experience she witnessed while visiting. My daughter's friend J, also about 10, went running to her mom with a report about J's brother M.
J: Mom! Mom!
Mom: What?
J: Mom! M said a bad word!
Mom: What did he say?
J: He said the F word!
Mom: WHAT? What did he say???
J: I don't want to say it!
Mom: TELL ME!
J: He said (whispering) fart!
[Laughter from my teens]
So it depends who you are talking to. And I can tolerate a lot. I've heard the F bomb dropped- and I don't mean fart- and, depending on the time and place, it may not bother me at all.
But there are people here that it will bother. Have respect for them. Have respect for our organization. Don't say it.
There are words that offend me, though. There are. Here is the F word that I hate: faggot. I can barely say it.
I can't say the N word. You know the one I mean. If I had to say it in playing a role, it would be really difficult for me to say.
Words are powerful. Use them with care.
Could I speak to the teens about the appropriate use of language? Some of the foul mouthed vulgarisms- especially from some of the teen boys- especially around the younger kids- especially around some of the conservative moms- could I talk to the kids....?
So I thought about it. And this is the gist of what I said:
Language is powerful. Working with the beauty and the power of Shakespeare, I know this. You know that words can be beautiful and words can be ugly.
The words are beautiful and powerful and healing or hateful because of how we use them and what we understand from them.
It matters as much to whom we say it, as what words we use when we speak.
Here is one story.
When my kids were little, one of the families that we were friends with were conservative Christians, with strict standards of behavior. My daughter who was perhaps 10 at the time, reported this experience she witnessed while visiting. My daughter's friend J, also about 10, went running to her mom with a report about J's brother M.
J: Mom! Mom!
Mom: What?
J: Mom! M said a bad word!
Mom: What did he say?
J: He said the F word!
Mom: WHAT? What did he say???
J: I don't want to say it!
Mom: TELL ME!
J: He said (whispering) fart!
[Laughter from my teens]
So it depends who you are talking to. And I can tolerate a lot. I've heard the F bomb dropped- and I don't mean fart- and, depending on the time and place, it may not bother me at all.
But there are people here that it will bother. Have respect for them. Have respect for our organization. Don't say it.
There are words that offend me, though. There are. Here is the F word that I hate: faggot. I can barely say it.
I can't say the N word. You know the one I mean. If I had to say it in playing a role, it would be really difficult for me to say.
Words are powerful. Use them with care.
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