5779: On the second night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you:

The sun has set, and so we light the candles for the second night of Chanukah.

There is something of a tradition for night number two.

For instance, last year 5778, there was this festive fecal reindeer.

In 5775*, we considered shittens and subtle butt gifts.

In 5774, even though the post was for nights one through four, it was really all number two.

In 5773, back when it all began, night number two (heh - heh) started this tradition.

You can guess where I'm going** with this, right?

So this year, I am not giving you this:

 "One of the amazing things poop can do is create beautiful white sandy beaches."  Did you know that? I did not know that. Apparently, it's true. Because SCIENCE***.

This book is one in a series of the POWER of POOP. Other books in the series include:

And more:

Also: 

(This is actually a thing: Check out the power of poop here. However, this site, even though it is SCIENCE, makes me nervous, because it has a Do It Yourself instructions link, right under "Is Fecal Transplant for You?" DO IT YOURSELF???)

Then there is this:

 


This is actually something I could get BEHIND****. 

POOP CAN SAVE THE WORLD! Check out the VIDEO 

Finally, the book series (and perhaps the world) ends with this:

I'm not sure I want to know.

Anyway, as useful, educational, and world-saving as this is, I did not get you the Sand-Beaches-with-Poop book.

WHY, you may ask.

Is it because you don't have lake front property? No, that's not it-- you are close to Lake Michigan, AND a splash pool park, so where there's water, there can be beaches, yes?

Is it because I fear fecal fish? No, 'fraid not.

Is it because I don't believe in the power of poop? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? In this season of miracles, I BELIEVE!

No, it's just that-- this book is available at your local library -- YOUR library, DSIL :-) 

That's where I took the picture. 

SO, check it out!

 
Now I'm going to go light the candles.
If it's safe to light a match.



* I don't know why we missed the tradition in 5776 and 5777 -- but if you noticed, what is the number of years we missed? That's right, number TWO!

** GOING, get it?

*** No, really, SCIENCE. Nova even has a website on GROSS SCIENCE about the power of poop.  And also on how pee can change the world.

**** BEHIND, get it??

On the eighth night of Chanukah*, I did not give to you...

The last night! What can I not give you?

How about this:

No, it isn't a gun rack. No, it isn't even a gun.

It is a lighter. It is a firearm for starting fires.

I found these at the grocery store** (that's where I didn't buy it).

It's hard to guess the scale from the picture, so I will tell you that each of these is about 15 inches long. 

If you look closely, you can see that each lighter is thoughtfully tagged with a print out of the Second Amendment.

That tag is one of the reasons I didn't give this to you last night. I fear that in the current political climate, referencing the Second Amendment could be inflammatory.

I mean, either side of the debate might think you were making light of their position.

Also, to the best of my knowledge, you don't have a barbecue. This is clearly labeled as a barbecue lighter.

Enjoy this last day of Chanukah- however you spell it.


*This is my Dear Husband's preferred English transliteration- well, actually, with this underlining: Chanukah. But I wasn't able to do the underlining in the title.

** I'm actually thinking of a new blog series: #notgroceriesatgrocerystore!

On the seventh night of Hanukah, I did not give to you...

On the penultimate night of the holiday, what did I not give you?

 This is the festival of lights. As the darkness and cold of winter approach, we kindle our candles to spread light and warmth.

But sometimes, we must face the darkness.

This gift I am not giving you is not for the faint of heart. Be warned.

These are zombie garden gnomes and they are gnawing on a fellow lawn ornament:

Why am I not giving you this? Well, although I have very little compassion for pink flamingo lawn ornaments, not even the pinkos deserve this fate.

Plus, it's kind of disgusting.

But the real reason I am not giving this to you is (and I hate to break it to you):

Gnomes, like jolly old elves, are not real.

On the sixth night of Haneka*, I did not give to you...

On the sixth night of Haneka, what did I not give you?

The sixth night was also Shabbat, so we celebrated at our temple with a Latke-palooza! That's right, delicious latkes and other treats were shared in a festive meal at our temple before Shabbat services.

Like many Jewish holidays, this one can be boiled down to:
They tried to kill us.
We won.
Let's eat!

So, just so that you are always ready to dine (and I know you are!) I am not giving you these:

These are picnic pants. I've seen them described as "jeans and harem pants" but honestly I don't see the sexy harem pants in these. However, they are pants with a built-in table! AND a side pouch for your beer can! See food! Grab food! Cop a squat and eat!

Perhaps the Huff post describes them best in this article.

Perhaps you are wondering why I am not giving these to you?

I think they are ugly. However, as always, YAMV**.

On to the PENULTIMATE*** NIGHT OF HANEKA!

* I actually don't think this is a good spelling for the holiday, but I'm enjoying the variety.
** "Your Aesthetic May Vary"
*** I love using the word "penultimate".****
**** I also love asterisks.

On the fifth night of Khanukkah*, I did not give to you...

On the fifth night, perhaps I should not-give you a fifth?

Oh, you thought I meant something else?

(No, that would  be something I would give you!)

I was thinking instead of not giving you this:

Everyone enjoys a peace of toast!**

However, due to limitations of counter space, this is something I am not giving you. Besides, there is only one peace.

Although, I think there is peace on both sides.

* Perhaps my favorite spelling thus far.

** Or a toast to peace! With the fifth! Or should I take the fifth?

On the fourth night of Hanika*, I did not give to you...

I know that you love dogs, toys, and bargains, so I know you will love not getting this on the fourth night**:

This is ZOOMER, "your REAL best friend".

He is new!
Il est nouveau! (Therefore, multi-cultural! Bilingual! Available in Canada!)
He has TWO TIMES THE TRICKS!

Why wouldn't I be getting the adorable Zoomer for you? I mean, watch this!

Well...

1. You already have two dogs. Far more adorable than Zoomer could hope to be.
2. He has 2 times the tricks. Looking at that cocked leg on the box, I am suspicious of tricks involving the number 2.
3. Zoomer... Zombie... too close for comfort.
4. Zoomer was $49.99 used at the Goodwill. Online, $24.94- although at a store that is evil incarnate at which I will not shop. So, get taken advantage of by Goodwill? Or shop at Evil Incarnate? No can do.
5. Your beautiful bride was traumatized by a robot dog when she was a tiny child. I cannot reopen that wound.

Otherwise, I would SO have bought this for you!  

* ALSO a valid spelling. Check it out here!

** Yeah, I know I'm almost two nights behind. We got a bit busy over here. Stay tuned- we'll get caught up over the weekend.

On the third night of Hanaka*, I did not give to you...

Guess what you didn't get last night?

These are BALLS OF STEEL. They cool your whiskey without diluting it. This seems a quite useful gift, in the spirits of the season.

I was all set to buy them.

But then I heard you already had balls of steel.

On to the next night!

*This spelling is as acceptable as any other. Get over it.

On the Second Night of Hanuka, I did not give to you...

...wherein on the second day of Hanuka, the second spelling of Hanuka, our beloved writer gets caught up or synced  up with gift not-giving.

The second night of Hanuka has come and gone, and no doubt you are wondering what I didn't get for you. As we are still on the second day of Hanuka (as this holiday, as all Jewish holidays, begins at sundown), I still have time to not give you your gift!

I love my trips to the Goodwill store so much! I have found yet another gift not to give you! Here it is:

Can you see it? It's a chess set! It is in the classic black and white- always in style. At the Goodwill, so at a price that is nice!

But wait! It's more than a chess set!

It is a set of shot glasses!

So this leads to a series of questions:
* Is this chess set a thinking man's game?
* Is this chess set a drinking man's game?
* Is this chess set sexist?

I was confused. Nevertheless, I know you to be a man who thinks, and a man who drinks (on occasion) so I was mightily tempted to get this for you.

However, I know that you are not sexist.

Besides, there was no box. Just the Styrofoam inner case. Gifts need boxes! Ambiguous games need instructions!

Plus, I hate Styrofoam.

On the first night of Channukah, I did not give to you...

A few years ago, I started a tradition of sharing what I would not be giving to my Son-In-Law for Channukah.

So, on the first night of Channukah this year, I won't be giving my SIL this:

This is an over-sized wine glass. I know this because it says so right on the box. It is a bit larger than your typical bottle of wine. In fact, you could use this wine glass as an ice bucket for the wine bottle.

While I know, dear SIL, that you are a wine enthusiast, and clearly, this is a gift for a wine enthusiast (again, it says so right on the box), I still did not give to you this gift.

It's not because I saw it at Goodwill. I believe in being thrifty, and I didn't think that you would mind.

It's not because of the price. It was at Goodwill, and at a good price.

No.

It's that there was only one.

You shouldn't drink alone.

On the sixth night of Channuka, I did not buy for you...

And also, on the seventh night of Channuka, I did not buy for you...

How the days fly by!

Last night, we lit the candles for the seventh night- and I had yet to post what I didn't get for you on the sixth night!

So, on the sixth night of Channuka, I did not buy for you:

This United States Sweater. Why didn't I buy it? It's not because it's the wrong size- though it is. It's not because you have too many sweaters. How can one have too many sweaters?

No.

It's because it's a United States Sweater, clearly labeled.

Also clearly labeled: Made in China.

Unacceptable!

They could at least move one of the labels. So that the contradiction is not so evident.

On to the seventh night of Channuka. Last night- and today. So I'm caught up! Give me a hand! While I do not give you:

Handerpants. Yes, Handerpants.

Or rather, no Handerpants.

These are underpants for your hands. I will not buy them. Because, if you buy underpants for your hands, the next thing you know you will have to buy pants for your hands. Then undershirts for your elbows.... WHERE WILL IT STOP?

We will stop it - by never starting.

Handerpants. Really.

On the fifth night of Channuka, I did not buy for you...

On the fifth night of Hannuka, I didn't buy you this:

Quadruple Michaelangelos!

That's right! These are life-sized TEEN AGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES! These are heroes in a half shell! Turtle power!

Look closely! Do you see nunchaku by his feet?

HOW could I turn away from this opportunity?

Two reasons*:

1. Not enough pizza

2. Even though there are FOUR- there is only ONE. Only the lonely Michaelangelo. That's it. No Raphael, Donatello, Leonardo. No April! No Splinter! How can I have one lonely Michaelangelo, bereft of all his pals?

On the plus side, I didn't see Shredder.

* Okay, three reasons. Because, $69.99. Seriously?

On the fourth night of Chanuka,I did not buy for you...

It’s day four. Half-past Channukah. What didn’t you get last night?

Dear S-I-L: Last night* I did not buy you:

Adult sized super hero pajamas.

This adult-sized footed, full body pajama suit would fit you, so I don’t have that excuse. 

It zips. 

Yes, it has a cape.

WHY, you ask, oh WHY, did I not buy this for you?

Well, there was Batman (pictured above). And there was Superman.

But no Spiderman.

And (not to give away any secret identities) I knew you had to be Spiderman. So no sale.

*I actually was at the store last night not-buying it for you!

On the third night of Hanuka, I did not buy for you...

Day three is over; the lights for night four are already dancing.

Sorry to be so late- at some point I will be blogging about the challenging day* I had today.

Let's get on to the gift not-giving, shall we?

On the third night of Hanuka, I did not buy for you:

Eco-friendly POOPOOPAPER.

This company features, in its POO-TIQUE, products that are  "handcrafted, natural, tree-free, recycled, upcycled, odorless (of course)"- and made from poop. You can get notebooks and papers crafted from donkey manure or elephant dung (for either side of the political spectrum), as well as from a surprising number of other creatures. 

This company reminds me of my first thought when I saw an advertisement for recycled toilet paper. I mean, recycled toilet paper- oo, yuck, right?

Butt this company promises to take the "oo" out of "poo"**.

I won't be buying it for you. However, if you are so moved, check it out here. 

On to night four!*** I'll be posting that one a bit earlier, I hope!


* Real quickly- some of the challenges involve me, in a car dealership, for the second time in a week, facing a $1000 repair estimate with a 1000 mile car trip planned starting tomorrow! It ends with me getting a free battery, but not being entirely sure that compensates me for the time and my blood pressure elevation.

** If you take the "oo" out of "poo," aren't you left with "p"?

*** Night four: where I plan on changing the theme of the ungifts. Really. There are in fact amusing ungifts that don't involve the excretory functions. I think.

On the second night of Hannukah, I did not buy for you ... #2!

It's the second day of Chanukah. So, what didn't I get you last night?

Well, it's night number 2.

Number TWO.

We have something of a tradition going with number 2. The first year, it was T.P. or perhaps underpants. The second year, it was a variety of items including woods wipes and fart filtering underpants. (Granted, in 2013, several days were bundled in one day. The theme remained the same, though.)

Maybe I should still bundle. Because there is SO much to choose from in this scat-egory.

For instance, if fart-filtering underwear is going too far, just stop at fart filters.

Fart filters. Perhaps same butt model as Shreddies.

So, you can use your OWN underwear and still "fart with confidence.*"

Fart filters. Look great on the buff buns above. However, why do I feel that in REAL LIFE, the filters might look like this:

OR like this:

I'm guessing, not the image one would want, right?

BUTT wait, there's more!

Apparently, flatulence filtration is a hot topic. There are choices, people. Shreddies, in addition to fart-filtering undies, also sells fart filters separately. There are also:

or:

Or maybe you prefer getting to the seat of the problem:

Chair pad for flatulence odor control.

See what I mean about choices? There are even these:



These are fart silencers, and yes, according to this article, "it goes exactly where you might guess it would go."

Finally, what if the flatulence is substantive? Just in time for the cold weather, I give you:

These are "mitten-shaped wet wipes". They promise to "make wiping fun." You need them "'cause poop is gross."

Good to know.

Not gonna buy 'em.

Bye for now.

*Shreddies' slogan







On the first night of Chanuka, I did not buy for you...

It's become a holiday tradition. For me, anyway.

Each year, I give my son-in-law the gift of not-giving. Each of the 8 nights of Chanuka, I have something special that I did not buy, just for him!

For the first night of Chanuka this year, I give you- or rather, I don't give you:

Salt and Pants

Why am I not giving you Salt & Pants? I mean, who wouldn't want an adorable salt and pepper set cleverly fashioned to be a cute manikin in a pair of pants?

Well, take a look at how you dispense the salt or pepper:

You peel the guy's pants off, shake black specks out of his trousers onto your food. Then you up-end the guy himself and shake white flakes out of his head onto your food.

No.

Keep your pants on at the table.

NOTE: I selected this gift not-to-give almost a year ago, long before the commercial where the Pillsbury dough-person gets a pair of jeans from a grateful family. 

Backlog Blog

I got knocked for a loop a few times this year. I've not been keeping up with the blog.

You may have noticed. One post in January. Now this one in December. HOWEVER....

Channukah starts in just one week! I will be returning with my annual "what I'm NOT buying you for Channukah" list in honor of my son-in-law. You can read last year's list starting here. Or go back another year to this one.

Yes, the list is back.

And yes, my Dear Daughter and her Significant Other got married!

On the eighth night of Channukah, I did not buy for you...

Channukah's over. There's just one gift left that I didn't buy for you.

This is a Pocket Hose.

It's the hose that grows.

It's so easy...

Just turn on and watch it grow.

Easy to handle.

Is that a hose in your pocket, or...

Why didn't I buy this?

That's the beauty of the Pocket Hose. You don't have to buy it to make the jokes.

You just have to know that it exists.

(Buying it would be too kinky. Never good for a hose.)

On the seventh night of Channukah I did not buy for you...

On the seventh night of Channukah, I did not buy for you...

 

This is a RetroPhone.

 

 

This Retro Phone is an attachment for your cell phone. It resembles the handsets of phones of my youth. You attach it to your cell phone.

 

 

That's right, you attach the old-fashioned hand set to your cell phone-- you know, the cell phone that you keep wanting to get slimmer and more light weight.

 

 

You can get even more retro than the above. Try this:

 



This is a Victorian-styled Retro Phone handset. You attach it to your cell phone. This one is especially designed for those who love steam-punk-style. As noted on the website selling this one:

"Victorian themed handset for fans of history or steampunk fashion

Take phone calls while staying in character

Materials: Plastic, finished to look like antiqued brass & wood"

See, it's plastic, but finished to look like real antique brass and wood!

Now, the one promo point that I have read on this item that makes some kind of sense to me is "reduces harmful radiation from cell phones."

Okay. I could get behind that.

Although, one could just learn to use the dang ear bud and microphone that came with the cell phone.

Or-- really radical thought-- reduce time on the cell phone and maximize face-to-face time.

(I know, I know, I'm a phone phobic. So that would be my advice!)

On the sixth night of Channukah, I did not buy for you...

On Monday night, I was busy not-buying your Channukah present! Guess what I didn't buy for you on the sixth night?

I did not buy you a Flash Light Friend.

True, it is the Festival of Lights.

True, we all could use a friend.

True, this is HUGGABLE! and LOVEABLE!

And a flashlight.

However...

 

Read the fine print: It shuts off after 20 minutes and never gets hot.

 

 

All that cuddling, and then it shuts off before it gets hot?

 

Besides, the friends you have already are quite enlightening. Or enlightened. Or both.

On the fifth night of Channukah, I did not buy for you...

I'm still behind, *butt* not as far behind as(s) I was in the last post...

Okay, enough with the scatological references.  On the fifth night of Channukah, I did not buy for you:

YES! This is a Twinkies Maker! With this you can make your own fresh, hot, cream stuffed twinkies!

 

(insert inappropriate joke here)

 

WHY wouldn't I buy you such a device?

 

 Comes with its own oven.

 

This is why: Twinkies are the one edible item with a shelf life of like, a gazillion years. The POINT is not FRESHNESS! The point is SHELF LIFE! This machine is not a Twinkie-maker, it is the Anti-Twinkie!

 

At least, that is my story and I am sticking to it.