I am low today, and I would love to unburden but to whom?
To my mom? I am busy being her support post surgery- two spinal surgeries in as many months!
To BK, D1? Or to friend KD? Both have their own struggles....
To SR? Her own struggles as well, and so far away...
To MW? Her own struggles as well, and she has so little support, and her advice is usually trying to encourage me along her path, rather than mine.
To DH KK? Somehow he does not see my pain, and the response is usually, "Well, you shouldn't feel that way!"
But I *do* feel that way.
Triggers are multiple.
I had a board meeting of the troupe I founded and from which I am now retiring. It is difficult to go to these meetings on so many levels. I am letting go, letting go, letting go-- yet it is hard when it seems that those who want to "carry on" don't seem to "get it". I have the sadness of loss, the fear of what the next step might be...
I went that night to an anniversary celebration of friends. I was happy for my friends, and glad for the community that they share. On the other hand, I looked around at the beautiful, larger and better furnished home than my own, and I wonder, will I ever have the home that I long for? with beautiful furnishings and large rooms to host gatherings of family and friends?
The next day I went to a play directed by SO, who once was one of my students/actors. It was quite good- some directing tips that I would like to share- but all in all, quite good. And I was happy for my friend-- and envious of the money and connections behind the show. The production standards were high- beautiful set, and in an intimate and lovely theatre.
And I wonder- will I ever direct or perform in a lovely theatre? Will I ever direct or perform... at all, in future?
And as I struggle with the high stress of the online course of 95 students, I wonder if I will teach again? I have another application in, for another university job, but I am still hurting from the rejection of the recent application, unsure whether I will get even an interview with this one...
On the one hand, part of my dream is to be an outstanding, highly regarded educator with a salary to match BUT- I am wondering if it isn't time to have some unstructured time for writing-- BUT-- will I write with that time?
So I'm okay if I get the job, and okay if I don't-- not the sense of loss that I had with the other one-- BUT--
My mentor, and former chair of my department, has not responded AT ALL to my emails requesting letter of recommendation and teaching evaluation. I have other letters of recommendation, but truthfully he is the only real source for teaching evaluations.
Plus it feels like rejection to not hear at all from him.
AND my weight and my age and my worries about my mom and my kids and retirement and my teeth and and and
It's just a rough day. And I know why, and I don't know why.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Overwhelmed.
I feel like I'm playing catch-up all the time. Frankly, I've been, and still am to a certain extent, overwhelmed.
My mom has had TWO major spinal surgeries in as many months, and I have been her main support/advocate. My schedule is flexible enough that I can take her to the hospital, stay with her there, take her home, spend the night, do her laundry and shopping and so on.
I don't mind. She did it for me AND changed my diapers too! Although that was many years ago ;-)
Then, I am teaching Intro to Theatre online. This is how it came about:
I was teaching Intro to Theatre at X State when I was told about a full-time assistant professorship that looked to be tailor made for me! It was organizing, teaching and administrating all the Intro to Theatre classes! What I've been teaching and refining for 8 years! So I looked at the qualifications, and it described me to a T- except for having published. But, I thought, I have plenty of teaching experience and administrative experience-
Long story extremely shortened, I not only didn't get the job, I didn't get an interview. Didn't make the first cut. A friend who is on the search committee made a special point to talk to me and the bottom line is: they want someone who is published, who will bring fame and honor to XSU- not someone who can teach. They are looking for another professor like the one detested by students, who falls asleep in class- but, when he was hired, had published a book based on his research- and he now has tenure.
Not that I'm bitter.
My friend had the grace to say that she didn't think that those priorities serve the needs of students.
SO- I figured that was it, done with X State, on to something else. You see, once the "Intro Czar" was hired, the plan was to get rid of part-timers such as myself.
Then- I was contacted to see if I would be willing to teach Intro online for the Spring session.
Heck yeah, I said. I am ready to learn something new! And look- gas is $4 a gallon, and now I don't have to commute!
So, after saying yeah, I met with those already teaching the course and got some tips from them. And I signed up for a workshop called "Moving Your Course Online." The instructions said, bring your syllabus with you. Which I did. And it was never even referenced.
Meanwhile, I've learned that Spring session, instead of being 15 weeks, is the intensive 8 weeks version that is supposed to cover everything. And classes are starting in less than 3 weeks.
I go to the workshop. The other participants are saying, I'm nervous, I've got so much to do with this class before Fall-
I say, I'm teaching Spring. Intensive.
Nervous smiles.
Then another participant, after hearing the workshop leader go on about *small* groups of TWO or THREE students, asked, but what if you have a larger class?
The leader says- The research says it's best to have a class of 12 to 15; but, if you must, 20--
The questioner says- but what if you have a BIG class, say 50?
The leader says- Oh! Well, then get grad assistants! Aim for that 12-15!
I say nothing. I have 100 students enrolled at that moment. And NO chance of getting any graduate assistants. Hey, giving me, adjunct, the job, is a COST-CUTTING move.
Fast forward to now, about 3 or 4 weeks in. I have 94 students. I've never taught online before (I can't bring baked goods!). AND it's the intensive version. AND I had only 3 weeks to prepare.
I can see a light at the end of the tunnel now (I should hope so, the class ends at the end of this month!), but it's been a struggle. I put in 40+ hours in 3 days- Thurs, Fri, Sat- just this past weekend, which has meant that I can just about keep up now if I put in ONLY 4 to 6 hours a day.
And I've been subbing at the local K through 8 school when I can- which is where I am now. And going to my mom's after work-which I am doing tonight- don't know where I will find my 4-6 hours today.
AND I'm working on applying for a position at another university. We'll see if I get the interview this time.
Really, ideally, I think I would teach online, publish a wildly successful book or two, go do guest lecturer/artist spots, and laugh my ass off at X State for being so stupid as to NOT EVEN GIVE ME AN INTERVIEW.
Not that I'm bitter.
My mom has had TWO major spinal surgeries in as many months, and I have been her main support/advocate. My schedule is flexible enough that I can take her to the hospital, stay with her there, take her home, spend the night, do her laundry and shopping and so on.
I don't mind. She did it for me AND changed my diapers too! Although that was many years ago ;-)
Then, I am teaching Intro to Theatre online. This is how it came about:
I was teaching Intro to Theatre at X State when I was told about a full-time assistant professorship that looked to be tailor made for me! It was organizing, teaching and administrating all the Intro to Theatre classes! What I've been teaching and refining for 8 years! So I looked at the qualifications, and it described me to a T- except for having published. But, I thought, I have plenty of teaching experience and administrative experience-
Long story extremely shortened, I not only didn't get the job, I didn't get an interview. Didn't make the first cut. A friend who is on the search committee made a special point to talk to me and the bottom line is: they want someone who is published, who will bring fame and honor to XSU- not someone who can teach. They are looking for another professor like the one detested by students, who falls asleep in class- but, when he was hired, had published a book based on his research- and he now has tenure.
Not that I'm bitter.
My friend had the grace to say that she didn't think that those priorities serve the needs of students.
SO- I figured that was it, done with X State, on to something else. You see, once the "Intro Czar" was hired, the plan was to get rid of part-timers such as myself.
Then- I was contacted to see if I would be willing to teach Intro online for the Spring session.
Heck yeah, I said. I am ready to learn something new! And look- gas is $4 a gallon, and now I don't have to commute!
So, after saying yeah, I met with those already teaching the course and got some tips from them. And I signed up for a workshop called "Moving Your Course Online." The instructions said, bring your syllabus with you. Which I did. And it was never even referenced.
Meanwhile, I've learned that Spring session, instead of being 15 weeks, is the intensive 8 weeks version that is supposed to cover everything. And classes are starting in less than 3 weeks.
I go to the workshop. The other participants are saying, I'm nervous, I've got so much to do with this class before Fall-
I say, I'm teaching Spring. Intensive.
Nervous smiles.
Then another participant, after hearing the workshop leader go on about *small* groups of TWO or THREE students, asked, but what if you have a larger class?
The leader says- The research says it's best to have a class of 12 to 15; but, if you must, 20--
The questioner says- but what if you have a BIG class, say 50?
The leader says- Oh! Well, then get grad assistants! Aim for that 12-15!
I say nothing. I have 100 students enrolled at that moment. And NO chance of getting any graduate assistants. Hey, giving me, adjunct, the job, is a COST-CUTTING move.
Fast forward to now, about 3 or 4 weeks in. I have 94 students. I've never taught online before (I can't bring baked goods!). AND it's the intensive version. AND I had only 3 weeks to prepare.
I can see a light at the end of the tunnel now (I should hope so, the class ends at the end of this month!), but it's been a struggle. I put in 40+ hours in 3 days- Thurs, Fri, Sat- just this past weekend, which has meant that I can just about keep up now if I put in ONLY 4 to 6 hours a day.
And I've been subbing at the local K through 8 school when I can- which is where I am now. And going to my mom's after work-which I am doing tonight- don't know where I will find my 4-6 hours today.
AND I'm working on applying for a position at another university. We'll see if I get the interview this time.
Really, ideally, I think I would teach online, publish a wildly successful book or two, go do guest lecturer/artist spots, and laugh my ass off at X State for being so stupid as to NOT EVEN GIVE ME AN INTERVIEW.
Not that I'm bitter.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
I wasn't absent, I was sick!
I teach Intro to Theatre. It is my conviction that one of the greatest attributes of the art of theatre is that artists from different disciplines with different talents collaborate to create a unified work of art-- together.
Because of this conviction, I design my class with a strong component of collaborative and group work.
My class is not difficult. I work hard to design a class that includes a variety of ways to succeed. If you do the work, you can not only pass the course, but also get a decent grade.
If you show up.
Since during much of the course there is group work and group discussion, the student must BE THERE. The theatre department is also stringent in regards to attendance.
Every semester, my students earn a lot of As, some Bs, a few Cs, barely any Ds.
And every semester, in spite of repeated warnings, there are a good number of students who fail.
For instance, this semester, in my class of nearly 50, ten students failed, all for attendance-related issues.
I am mystified by the students who come once, or twice, and then stop attending. In spite of email messages I send, stating that it is mathematically impossible to pass the course, and they should withdraw, these students do not withdraw and consequently fail the class.
WHY would one NOT withdraw if the professor suggests it?
My mentor, then chair of my department, suggested it might be that some students must enroll in a certain number of credit hours to qualify for student financial aid. That is certainly possible; but surely the financial aid is withdrawn if the student fails because they NEVER SHOWED UP!
Every semester there is one student- sometimes more- that seem to feel the rules do not apply to them.
This semester, in addition to the seven who stopped coming, there were three students who received the warning about their excess absences. I met with each of them, explained that they had the option to drop the class, and, when they expressed it was important to them to pass, I worked out a plan of extra work for them to compensate for the absences, on the condition that there would be NO future absences.
One of these students eagerly agreed, had no more absences-- and not only did not do the additional work, she did not do the required work of the course. I was completely mystified as to why she would turn up for the final exam, but she did. However, I did not hear from her when I emailed her, explaining that as she had not done the work, she would be failing the course; nor did I hear from her when I posted her grade of F.
One of these students agreed, then had two additional absences, and did not turn in the additional work until a week past the last date on which I would accept additional work. I again was mystified to see this student show up for the final exam, even though I had announced several times in class, AND posted in email announcements to all the class, stating that for students who had an agreement with me regarding make-up work, any additional absences would void the agreement. However, I did not hear from him when I emailed him, explaining that as he had two additional absences, and had turned in the work far past the deadline, he would be failing the course; nor did I hear from him when I posted his grade of F.
The last of these three also had the benefit of the class announcements and email announcements stating that agreements regarding make up work for excess absences would be voided if there were additional absences. She had two additional absences. I emailed her explaining that as she had two additional absences, the agreement was voided and she would be failing the course.
I heard nothing in response to the email, sent a day and a half before posting grades.
I then posted grades. I heard nothing from her for another day.
The day after posting grades, I began receiving a barrage of emails from this student. First, she wrote that she understood the agreement, but she had NOT been absent two more times. One of the dates I had recorded as an absence (I had sent the calendar dates in question) she had not been absent, she had been tardy. On the other date, she wrote, she had not been absent. She had been very sick and unable to attend class.
Really? Not absent, just sick and therefore not in class?
I wrote back saying that the agreement was NO more absences, that even if she had been tardy, it was HER responsibility to let me know that day-- and that 2 tardies were the equivalent of an absence and she had more than one tardy. I also wrote that I regretted she had an illness, however since she was not in class it was still an absence.
She wrote again saying she thought she had told me she was late, but she was really stressed that day so maybe she forgot, and she really wants to pass the class, could I change the grade?
I wrote again saying that whether or not she had told me about the tardy, she still was absent on the other date; that I had given her the option to drop the class; and that two tardies still equal an absence.
She wrote back saying, yes she understood but even if she left an hour early sometimes traffic made her late and she really wanted to pass the class so could I give her a C?
ARGHHH!! I wanted to remind her of her repeated tardies, that I had not bothered to factor in; that her regular course work was often late or even missing; that her additional work was late; that her in-class work was sub-par.
I haven't responded to her latest missive. I don't know if I will.
Does she believe that the rules apply to everyone else? That she should get a C just because she WANTS one?
There were three other students, in addition to those above, who met with me, worked out a plan, and adhered to the plan. They didn't miss any more classes, they did the additional work without complaint, and, in fact, thanked me for the opportunity to improve their grade.
Those students are the ones for whom I am glad to be flexible.
The others...
Because of this conviction, I design my class with a strong component of collaborative and group work.
My class is not difficult. I work hard to design a class that includes a variety of ways to succeed. If you do the work, you can not only pass the course, but also get a decent grade.
If you show up.
Since during much of the course there is group work and group discussion, the student must BE THERE. The theatre department is also stringent in regards to attendance.
Every semester, my students earn a lot of As, some Bs, a few Cs, barely any Ds.
And every semester, in spite of repeated warnings, there are a good number of students who fail.
For instance, this semester, in my class of nearly 50, ten students failed, all for attendance-related issues.
I am mystified by the students who come once, or twice, and then stop attending. In spite of email messages I send, stating that it is mathematically impossible to pass the course, and they should withdraw, these students do not withdraw and consequently fail the class.
WHY would one NOT withdraw if the professor suggests it?
My mentor, then chair of my department, suggested it might be that some students must enroll in a certain number of credit hours to qualify for student financial aid. That is certainly possible; but surely the financial aid is withdrawn if the student fails because they NEVER SHOWED UP!
Every semester there is one student- sometimes more- that seem to feel the rules do not apply to them.
This semester, in addition to the seven who stopped coming, there were three students who received the warning about their excess absences. I met with each of them, explained that they had the option to drop the class, and, when they expressed it was important to them to pass, I worked out a plan of extra work for them to compensate for the absences, on the condition that there would be NO future absences.
One of these students eagerly agreed, had no more absences-- and not only did not do the additional work, she did not do the required work of the course. I was completely mystified as to why she would turn up for the final exam, but she did. However, I did not hear from her when I emailed her, explaining that as she had not done the work, she would be failing the course; nor did I hear from her when I posted her grade of F.
One of these students agreed, then had two additional absences, and did not turn in the additional work until a week past the last date on which I would accept additional work. I again was mystified to see this student show up for the final exam, even though I had announced several times in class, AND posted in email announcements to all the class, stating that for students who had an agreement with me regarding make-up work, any additional absences would void the agreement. However, I did not hear from him when I emailed him, explaining that as he had two additional absences, and had turned in the work far past the deadline, he would be failing the course; nor did I hear from him when I posted his grade of F.
The last of these three also had the benefit of the class announcements and email announcements stating that agreements regarding make up work for excess absences would be voided if there were additional absences. She had two additional absences. I emailed her explaining that as she had two additional absences, the agreement was voided and she would be failing the course.
I heard nothing in response to the email, sent a day and a half before posting grades.
I then posted grades. I heard nothing from her for another day.
The day after posting grades, I began receiving a barrage of emails from this student. First, she wrote that she understood the agreement, but she had NOT been absent two more times. One of the dates I had recorded as an absence (I had sent the calendar dates in question) she had not been absent, she had been tardy. On the other date, she wrote, she had not been absent. She had been very sick and unable to attend class.
Really? Not absent, just sick and therefore not in class?
I wrote back saying that the agreement was NO more absences, that even if she had been tardy, it was HER responsibility to let me know that day-- and that 2 tardies were the equivalent of an absence and she had more than one tardy. I also wrote that I regretted she had an illness, however since she was not in class it was still an absence.
She wrote again saying she thought she had told me she was late, but she was really stressed that day so maybe she forgot, and she really wants to pass the class, could I change the grade?
I wrote again saying that whether or not she had told me about the tardy, she still was absent on the other date; that I had given her the option to drop the class; and that two tardies still equal an absence.
She wrote back saying, yes she understood but even if she left an hour early sometimes traffic made her late and she really wanted to pass the class so could I give her a C?
ARGHHH!! I wanted to remind her of her repeated tardies, that I had not bothered to factor in; that her regular course work was often late or even missing; that her additional work was late; that her in-class work was sub-par.
I haven't responded to her latest missive. I don't know if I will.
Does she believe that the rules apply to everyone else? That she should get a C just because she WANTS one?
There were three other students, in addition to those above, who met with me, worked out a plan, and adhered to the plan. They didn't miss any more classes, they did the additional work without complaint, and, in fact, thanked me for the opportunity to improve their grade.
Those students are the ones for whom I am glad to be flexible.
The others...
Monday, May 2, 2011
Jack the Rabbit Killer
I was so looking forward to sleeping in this morning. Yesterday I finished the last of my obligations that had been consuming my time and attention for the past few months, and though there are new assignments ahead, I was looking forward to a break of at least one restful day.
I would have roused and made myself presentable if I had received a call asking me to substitute teach, but barring that occurrence, I planned to loll in bed for awhile and then have a leisurely day.
Relax.
At a little after 5:00 a.m., Jackson's whining drove me to get up and let the dogs out- actually just Jackson, because Jasper could care less about an early morning pee. Jasper has figured out that the 5:00 a.m. outing has nothing to do with getting fed, so he keeps sleeping. Jackson, however, continues to insist on these pre-dawn romps in our fenced-in backyard.
I got up to let Jackson out, knowing that I would have no trouble getting back to sleep. I stumbled back to bed and was soon asleep; I roused just enough to hear Ken getting ready for work. Ah! I had not received a call to substitute teach- I snuggled back under the covers.
But.
Within minutes of Ken's leaving for work, Jackson was whining in earnest again. (Ken had brought him in and fed both him and Jasper and brought them back into the bedroom.)
Fine. I would let out Jackson and Jasper for their post-feeding romp and ... er... release... er ... relief... THEN I would go back to sleep for at least another half an hour.
I stumbled out of bed and took them downstairs and they bounded out eagerly-- Jackson in the lead--
to grab up his big, dead rabbit.
YUCK.
I tell him to drop it. He does, but stands over it, growling when Jasper comes near it.
Poor, food obsessed Jasper. He can tell that what Jackson has is something that contains food, but he is completely baffled as to how one might get at the food. Isn't there a bunny wrapped around it?
I start to approach and Jackson grabs up his kill and runs INTO THE HOUSE followed by Jasper.
Double YUCK.
I go inside and get the broom and a rag. I chase Jackson away from his kill with the broom, grab the carcass with the rag, and storm outside to fling it out of the yard and into the weeds outside of fence.
I go back inside and wash up and resign myself to being up early.
Because I can't go to sleep NOW.
YUCK.
I would have roused and made myself presentable if I had received a call asking me to substitute teach, but barring that occurrence, I planned to loll in bed for awhile and then have a leisurely day.
Relax.
At a little after 5:00 a.m., Jackson's whining drove me to get up and let the dogs out- actually just Jackson, because Jasper could care less about an early morning pee. Jasper has figured out that the 5:00 a.m. outing has nothing to do with getting fed, so he keeps sleeping. Jackson, however, continues to insist on these pre-dawn romps in our fenced-in backyard.
I got up to let Jackson out, knowing that I would have no trouble getting back to sleep. I stumbled back to bed and was soon asleep; I roused just enough to hear Ken getting ready for work. Ah! I had not received a call to substitute teach- I snuggled back under the covers.
But.
Within minutes of Ken's leaving for work, Jackson was whining in earnest again. (Ken had brought him in and fed both him and Jasper and brought them back into the bedroom.)
Fine. I would let out Jackson and Jasper for their post-feeding romp and ... er... release... er ... relief... THEN I would go back to sleep for at least another half an hour.
I stumbled out of bed and took them downstairs and they bounded out eagerly-- Jackson in the lead--
to grab up his big, dead rabbit.
YUCK.
I tell him to drop it. He does, but stands over it, growling when Jasper comes near it.
Poor, food obsessed Jasper. He can tell that what Jackson has is something that contains food, but he is completely baffled as to how one might get at the food. Isn't there a bunny wrapped around it?
I start to approach and Jackson grabs up his kill and runs INTO THE HOUSE followed by Jasper.
Double YUCK.
I go inside and get the broom and a rag. I chase Jackson away from his kill with the broom, grab the carcass with the rag, and storm outside to fling it out of the yard and into the weeds outside of fence.
I go back inside and wash up and resign myself to being up early.
Because I can't go to sleep NOW.
YUCK.
Friday, April 29, 2011
game plan
Today I must grade papers and projects ALL DAY.
GOAL #1: all grades for Introduction to Theatre posted
Tonight/tomorrow I must finalize my very first syllabus for an online class.
GOAL #2: Clear, comprehensive syllabus posted.
Tomorrow is my LAST session of LOL (Ladies of Lemonade- the few, the brave few, who came out to audition for Children's Hour - since we did not have enough to mount a production, I offered the "consolation prize" of actor's workshop series); and my LAST session of rehearsing the TT (Travel Troupe)
Goal #3: Hand off Travel Troupe responsibilities
Sunday is the MYT board meeting. I hope to collect the check for directing Travel Troupe.
Goal #4: Collect payment for TT
THEN:
I need a game plan. I need a comprehensive, step-by-step plan to get me to the next step in my life. I need to carve out time to create this plan while I sometimes-substitute during May-June at Ken's school, AND stay on top of my 100-student online course- which I estimate will take about 50 hours a week!
Goal #5: Make May-June profitable and successful through work and planning. Develop long-term goals and plans to realize them.
I *really* want to conquer goal #5, since beginning mid-June I am working on my LAST MYT summer show, quite possibly with the addition of summer-camping/mentoring one of my young relatives. This means approximately 200 hours of my life from mid-June to early August.
By August, I want a road map for my future.
GOAL #1: all grades for Introduction to Theatre posted
Tonight/tomorrow I must finalize my very first syllabus for an online class.
GOAL #2: Clear, comprehensive syllabus posted.
Tomorrow is my LAST session of LOL (Ladies of Lemonade- the few, the brave few, who came out to audition for Children's Hour - since we did not have enough to mount a production, I offered the "consolation prize" of actor's workshop series); and my LAST session of rehearsing the TT (Travel Troupe)
Goal #3: Hand off Travel Troupe responsibilities
Sunday is the MYT board meeting. I hope to collect the check for directing Travel Troupe.
Goal #4: Collect payment for TT
THEN:
I need a game plan. I need a comprehensive, step-by-step plan to get me to the next step in my life. I need to carve out time to create this plan while I sometimes-substitute during May-June at Ken's school, AND stay on top of my 100-student online course- which I estimate will take about 50 hours a week!
Goal #5: Make May-June profitable and successful through work and planning. Develop long-term goals and plans to realize them.
I *really* want to conquer goal #5, since beginning mid-June I am working on my LAST MYT summer show, quite possibly with the addition of summer-camping/mentoring one of my young relatives. This means approximately 200 hours of my life from mid-June to early August.
By August, I want a road map for my future.
Monday, April 25, 2011
bread and roses
Today it was raining and I was tired and I wasn't happy with my doctor's appointment or with the class I am teaching.
A gray day.
I stopped at the store and there were bouquets of flowers on special, half off. Big bundles with colorful roses, asters, fresia and palm fronds.
I bought two bunches: one for my mom and one for myself. My mom loved them and I love mine too.
When I was in Moscow, I saw flower stands on every corner. I was told that in Russia, if one is down to the last few kopeks, and the choice is between bread or bouquets, more often than not the roses win.
Because it is important to feed the soul.
A gray day.
I stopped at the store and there were bouquets of flowers on special, half off. Big bundles with colorful roses, asters, fresia and palm fronds.
I bought two bunches: one for my mom and one for myself. My mom loved them and I love mine too.
When I was in Moscow, I saw flower stands on every corner. I was told that in Russia, if one is down to the last few kopeks, and the choice is between bread or bouquets, more often than not the roses win.
Because it is important to feed the soul.
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