low tide/ tongue- tied

I am low today, and I would love to unburden but to whom?

To my mom? I am busy being her support post surgery- two spinal surgeries in as many months!

To BK, D1? Or to friend KD? Both have their own struggles....

To SR? Her own struggles as well, and so far away...

To MW? Her own struggles as well, and she has so little support, and her advice is usually trying to encourage me along her path, rather than mine.

To DH KK? Somehow he does not see my pain, and the response is usually, "Well, you shouldn't feel that way!"

But I *do* feel that way.

Triggers are multiple.

I had a board meeting of the troupe I founded and from which I am now retiring. It is difficult to go to these meetings on so many levels. I am letting go, letting go, letting go-- yet it is hard when it seems that those who want to "carry on" don't seem to "get it". I have the sadness of loss, the fear of what the next step might be...

I went that night to an anniversary celebration of friends. I was happy for my friends, and glad for the community that they share. On the other hand, I looked around at the beautiful, larger and better furnished home than my own, and I wonder, will I ever have the home that I long for? with beautiful furnishings and large rooms to host gatherings of family and friends?

The next day I went to a play directed by SO, who once was one of my students/actors. It was quite good- some directing tips that I would like to share- but all in all, quite good. And I was happy for my friend-- and envious of the money and connections behind the show. The production standards were high- beautiful set, and in an intimate and lovely theatre.

And I wonder- will I ever direct or perform in a lovely theatre? Will I ever direct or perform... at all, in future?

And as I struggle with the high stress of the online course of 95 students, I wonder if I will teach again? I have another application in, for another university job, but I am still hurting from the rejection of the recent application, unsure whether I will get even an interview with this one...

On the one hand, part of my dream is to be an outstanding, highly regarded educator with a salary to match BUT- I am wondering if it isn't time to have some unstructured time for writing-- BUT-- will I write with that time?

So I'm okay if I get the job, and okay if I don't-- not the sense of loss that I had with the other one-- BUT--

My mentor, and former chair of my department, has not responded AT ALL to my emails requesting letter of recommendation and teaching evaluation. I have other letters of recommendation, but truthfully he is the only real source for teaching evaluations.

Plus it feels like rejection to not hear at all from him.

AND my weight and my age and my worries about my mom and my kids and retirement and my teeth and and and

It's just a rough day. And I know why, and I don't know why.