Birthdays and crises and panic attacks

 I think I am having a panic attack. I am having trouble breathing and my anxiety is soaring and I want to cry, I want to run, I feel like I can't move, I feel like I might throw up.

I'm writing to sort through it, to find a way to breathe, to sort out all the many triggers and let them rest, try to let them go.

The trigger, without a doubt, is that I sent an email to my kids with a proposed date for the unveiling of Ken's gravestone. 

I'm terrified that the date won't work for one or another and I will hurt feelings and cause problems. I can't breathe.

There is so much pressing, pressing, pressing on me. Good, bad, indifferent, it is all too much and I cannot hold up, I fear.

So many people that I feel I should be helping. 

My dad is not doing well. He literally cannot catch his breath; there is scarring in his lungs and the damage is accelerating and in months or possibly (not likely) years, this will almost certainly be what ends his life. 

I'm not ready. Selfishly, I want him to hold on. 

I feel the pull to be there to help him, and his wife DE. I go when I can; I feel it's not enough.

Another family member will need surgery, will need my help.

A friend has had surgery, could definitely use some help. Another friend is going through major life changes, I feel that I should be more help. Another friend is hurting, I feel I should do more.

I want- need! - to see my grandchildren.

I have several responsibilities at my place of worship- I need to meet with the soloist, I need to meet with the committee, I need to line up service leaders.

I have signed a contract to teach at Byzantine U- once again, a class brand new to me that I have never taught before and therefore must create ex nihilio.

I need to review all the different accounts I have, so that when I go to a meeting this week with a financial advisor I can ask intelligent questions and understand my financial situation, so I can plan a path forward from here.

I need to tidy the house, so that I can schedule a house cleaner. I need to clear out my house, so that I can get it ready to sell, so I can be ready to move. 

I need to find another house. I need to find a vision of what home might be. 

My dog threw up this morning.

My car needs an oil change- how can my car need an oil change? It just had an oil change!

I'm sure I'm forgetting something.

That's just my personal life. Then my nation and my world are in crisis, in flames, chaos, a dumpster fire. 

It is so hard to stay centered in this moment: in this moment, I have enough, and I could be at peace if I were to be just in this moment and no other, for at least one moment.

In my last post, I wrote about the challenges of Father's Day, and family gatherings- especially the 4th of July, a long tradition in my family that was so much harder than I thought it would be- and I thought it would be hard. I found that I spent a day and a half, almost paralyzed, recovering. 

I wrote that post on the eve of my birthday.

My birthday was hard and also sweet. My friend SR came in from North Carolina, and we did a three day trip. We didn't stick to our original plan- in part because my schedule is so uncertain now, considering my dad's health. We had originally planned a trip to Mackinac Island. Instead we went north to Frankenmuth for a nostalgic chicken dinner and found a new wine bar (on Wine Wednesday! Half off!). Then we went west. We found some nice restaurants and visited the Frederik Meijer Sculpture Garden.

We came home, spent the night, went to brunch. SR went to family commitments; I went to some of mine, including an unplanned trip to my dad's. We will get together again in the next week, clear out a closet, empty a drawer...

I nibble at the edges of the things that must be done, never ahead, always behind, hopefully not too far behind, hopefully a last-minute 11th hour sprint will see me through- on whichever crisis is the most urgent- in the moment.

Navigating my grief: 9 months in- now 10 months-

For a while, I was cruising along. Getting things done. Reconnecting with friends. Now...

The holiday of Shavuot began on June 11, Tuesday, and our Temple observed the holiday on Friday night with a dairy dinner followed by the service. I was anxious about the food, and we also had no staff that night, so I did essentially all the set up, and then I and CR and MS and MB and maybe some others helped clear. It was a long day but all went off fairly well. 

Father's Day was that Sunday, June 16. I went with son JE and his kids to a Toledo Mud Hens game. Ken would have loved it. 

My own dad was en route back to Michigan from his and his spouse DE's winter digs in Alabama. DE's son RF and his spouse picked Dad and DE up from Alabama and brought them as far as Tennessee, and then my brother flew to Tennessee to pick them up and drive them in their car to Northern Michigan. I then drove, with my dog Princess, to say hi to Dad and DE, spend the night, and bring my brother back down state.

My dad isn't doing well. He is short of breath on any exertion. We did manage to go to the casino- a favorite past time of theirs- and when Dad sat on his walker (the four wheeled kind) we could push him to where he wanted to go. That worked out well enough.

I was home for a short time, then my friend CR watched my dog and and son JE's dog at my house while I went to Camp Michigania  with  JE and his family. I did all the things- horseback riding, archery, riflery, crafts, swimming, yoga, meditation, and attending guest lecturers. I especially enjoyed the Anishinaabe speaker.

Then home on June 29th, and a visit at my brother's house on the 30th, as his son BE was in from Japan with his spouse and their 21 month old identical twins. My sons AJ and JE, and JE's son JD, also joined to visit.

Since AJ was in from Chicago, we also went to visit our friend KD, back from a North Carolina hospital from having a dislocated hip while she was attending a family event.

Then after one day home, I was off again to the North country for our family's traditional gathering on the 4th of July. While there were many great moments, all in all this was extremely hard. I was missing Ken so much. My dad's condition is serious and was evident- he'd seen his doctor, and it turns out he has scarring in his lungs that cannot really be treated, won't get better, and maybe in 2 months, or maybe in 5 years, this will almost certainly be what ends his life.

I came home Monday, the 8th of July. I waited until I'd made sure my dad had lunch, as DE had errands and then Mah Jong, and then I headed home for the 3 1/2 hour drive.

I still haven't recovered. I am despondent. It is so hard to find hope. I have so many things to do, but feel no desire to do any of them. 

Monday my sister took me out for my birthday once I got home from up North. 

I took today off, more or less. I did a few things: finished unpacking, made an appointment for my dog to go in the kennel (my friend SR is coming in for my birthday and we will plan an overnight adventure or two), balanced the check books. It is taking a tremendous amount of effort to just make myself make a LIST of what I should do.

I wasted some time on Facebook, too. I'm wondering what's up/ has been up with Byzantine U. I've been remote, and I am glad of it. I've seen a couple of posts from students / grads of Byz U commenting about a need to get together and process what they went through (more than just Covid, it seems) and then today I saw a post from a past (guest) faculty member saying: Faculty, BELIEVE your students when they tell you the harm your theatre program has done to them...

So cryptic.

Anyway...

I am despondent. Part of it is I feel like I should be helping at least three of my friends, at least three of my relatives, and I am feeling like I am letting them all down because I have no emotional reserves of my own. 

Part of it is the world and the nation: climate crisis and rise of fascism.

It is hard to stay centered in doing my part, as best I can, and releasing the anxiety- knowing that the best I can do is the best I can do, by definition. 

I miss Ken.