You have been invited...

 I received the email reminder that I sent myself:

“You have been invited to an event: Take Out the Trash…”

I am invited to this event weekly. I need the reminder, because it just doesn’t stick in my brain. 

I’ve been able to turn off the reminders to feed my dog daily in the morning, but I still have a daily reminder in the evening to feed her. 

Time doesn’t make sense to me right now. 

I just sent an email to the university -not Byzantine U, we’ll call this 3rd U, since it is the third university at which I have taught with some regularity- to 3rd U that I will not be available to teach the class that I had been asked to teach this winter. It is a synchronous class, meaning I have to be in an internet-active place at a certain time for two hours every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon. I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth for that time commitment. 

Time doesn’t make sense to me right now.

I have commitments that are important to me in my family, and in my faith-and-friend community, and I am barely holding it together there. 

I just vacuumed the living room for the first time in at least a month. 

I just started a load of laundry for the first time in at least two weeks.

I am struggling to assist my struggling (asynchronous) students. We will get through the semester somehow.

Thanksgiving is next week. It feels like the first major holiday since Ken died- although it isn’t. We had Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Simchat Torah— but Rosh Hashanah was just days after Ken was buried and that entire month is a blur of pain and loss and forgetfulness.

I’ve started therapy. The jury’s still out, but at least I am setting aside an hour a week to focus on my journey.

Hard hard day

Today  (October 30) I am feeling unwanted, unneeded, unnecessary. I'm feeling my imposter syndrome- if I am such a good teacher (I AM!) why do they (University admin) keep abusing me.

The (interim) chair of my department at Byzantine U, where I have been teaching (first as a graduate teaching assistant, then as part-time faculty) for over 20 years, has casually informed me that they "don't have a class for me" due to a senior tenured faculty coming "back" and therefore needing a class to teach and therefore taking the class I would have been teaching.

This was dropped in the midst of a message: "I've been thinking about you, about your loss, is there anything I can do..." then "Oh by the way..."

Yeah right. Lots of help.

That stung. 

I know I’m fragile and vulnerable. I try to take it into account. It’s still a struggle.

Push/pull

 I'm proud of myself, I'm getting so much done.

I'm a mess, I'm falling apart.

It seems both things are true. 

I have been having a series of challenging days.

I am hunkered down at home today for most of the day. Yesterday I ran around and around and ran errands. 

I have a long, long list of Things To Do. I am chipping away at the list. 

Yesterday morning I cleaned out a a towel cupboard and two kitchen cupboards. I wrote thank you cards.

Later, I took thank you cards and mailed them at the post office.

I went to pick up my two aged, broken computers that I had dropped off for data transfer. The nice tech guy said he had really tried, but he wasn't able to access the hard drive of the oldest computer. I took it anyway, to work on it at home, give it one more try. 

I went to the school where Ken worked, to drop off paper recycling and check on the tree planted in his memory. I went to Goodwill and dropped off a box and three bags of discards. I went in to the grocery store, and bought coffee and a couple more items.

Then I came home, and later my sister came over and we made one of our Hello Fresh meals. 

Today I've been feeling overwhelmed with plans for Thanksgiving, with my teaching work, with my responsibilities as ritual chair for my temple, with upcoming Chanukah. 

I was feeling so overwhelmed. I kept chipping away.

Today I made another of the meals, with a portion for my lunch and a portion for my dinner. 

Today I walked the dog. I worked on another cupboard. I'm trying to organize my lists. 

I reserved tickets for a show I'll attend with my son and his spouse. 

I had a long phone call with my favorite youngest daughter.  I had a FaceTime call with one of my alterna-daughters and her newborn.

Today I asked for help with Chanukah- and had several responses.

Today I wrote an article for the quarterly temple bulletin, and identified people in photos.

Today I tried to transfer the data from the oldest computer- and I was successful! What I had forgotten to mention to the tech guy is that this particular computer has to be plugged in the entire time- the battery doesn't charge. Not only that, but also you have to make sure that the plug is actually connecting.

Data transfer- accomplished!

I noticed that the deadline was coming up to post proof of flu vaccination at the University. I looked up how to do it, and I posted that proof.

I still have a number of things that I really must do before I sleep. I still feel overwhelmed. 

I will keep chipping away.