5778: On the eighth night...

Chanukah is over. The last lights were lit last night, and I did not buy for you...

Well, I had to think about it. There are a few wrap-ups that I didn't wrap up for you.

I didn't buy for you this:

I didn't buy this for you, because I have some concerns. We did have an adult beverage theme going for a while, but even though it's an electric wine bottle opener, it might be confusing with the "One simple switch with up/down functions" and the "opener penetrates cork"... and the distracting booty in the background...possibility for misdirection.


Also the foil cutter... which brings me to another gift I didn't buy for you:
'

Spiral cut your dog? Slice the salami?

NO!

On the topic of food (we were talking about food, right?), I also did not buy you this:

Make these delicious campfire treats over STERNO? The point of  'SMORES is outdoors! Nature! Crackling fire! Wood smoke!

Not sterno chemical smell and a plastic graham and marshmallow dispenser indoors!

That's it for this year. Chanukah is over, and there is no 'smore.

5778: On the seventh night ...

On the seventh night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

This is a SPRAY chalk set! Honestly!

I am not buying you this because it is WRONG. Chalk does not come in a can. You do not spray chalk. You do not spray chalk "up to 80 linear feet per can."

Because CHALK does NOT come in a CAN.

Granted, I am more than a little bit of a crunchy-granola-tree-hugging-environment-loving gal. So I'm not fond of aerosol in general. (Even my non-stick "spray" in the kitchen, and my hairspray, are both pump bottles without propellant). So I'm offended by aerosol cans where none are needed. But beyond that--

SPRAY CHALK??

How do you blend and smear spray chalk? Huh? Tell me!

How do you break your can of chalk so you can share it with a friend?

How do you get chalk dust all over your fingers and the cuffs of your sleeves?

You DON'T. You just shake and spray.

Although, it claims that it "dissolves naturally with the rain." So, perhaps it is temporary.

So let's have truth in advertising... call it a "Temporary Tagging Kit."

It's not chalk. So there.

5778: On the sixth night...

Whoops! Falling behind in the festivities!

It must have been that fifth....

On that subject still*, on the sixth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you ...

I did not buy for you this- or rather, these- drinking buddies.

Why not?

1. Well, it themes to me-- I mean, it seems to me**-- that we're on a roll here with not-buying you drink accessories.

2. You have plenty of drinking buddies already. I've met some of them.

3. I've met drinking buddies, and these Chippendale- I mean, chipper- guys don't look like drinking buddies. Nope. They look like gym buddies. Beach buddies, maybe.

4. They are marketed as "drink markers." Listen, if you have to haul a bobbing beach boy out of your beverage to scrutinize his-- swim trunks-- to figure out if it's your drink or not, maybe you should not be drinking that beverage in the first place.

Not to mention it seems odd to have action figures in your alcohol- especially when their spandex doesn't feature any MARVEL-ous logos.

Seventh night, coming up!


* I don't have a still. Stop asking.

** Don't judge.

5778: On the fifth night...

On the fifth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

a fifth. Although a fifth comes in Kraken.

However, a fifth is a lot of booze. Where would you put it*, since I did not buy you this?

This is a stainless steel flask. Of the type known as a "pocket flask" or a "hip flask". This flask even has the slightly curved shape designed to comfortably follow the curve of one's - um- er- flank.

A flask, a "pocket flask," a "hip flask".

And there, holding this flask, is my thumb.

My thumb. Not Gargantua's thumb. Not Sasquatch's thumb**. My normal human-sized thumb.

So I didn't buy this for you.

1. This flask fails as a pocket flask, because it would cause a pocket failure, a wardrobe malfunction, if you tried to shove this into your pocket.

2. This flask fails as a hip flask. At least, it fails for most hips I've seen. Maybe as a hipS flask, it might succeed.

3. Unless it comes with a matching stainless steel funnel (it doesn't), it may very well fail as a flask. The function of a flask is to hold your precious libations securely, and I think this flask is challenging to fill without spill. Of course, I could be wrong. I didn't take it for a test drive***. 

4. Also, this type of flask is meant to be discrete****, and clearly this is anything but discrete.

5. Plus*****, this flask does not know its place. I found it at the grocery store. Not the one-stop-shopping store that masquerades as a grocery store, but the straight up grocery store. And not in the adult beverage aisle, either. No. It was on the shelves lining the produce section. Go figure.

So no, I am not buying this for you. You'll just have to find a glass and use your thumb- your normal, human-sized thumb- to judge your jigger, as you pour forth from your fifth on the fifth.

 Happy Chanukah!


* Okay, so you do  have an idea where to put the booze. I meant, between sips.

** Sasquatach has his own flask. Engraved. So now we know his name and birthday. 

*** Driving, even test driving, should never get NEAR this flask.

**** Discretion being the better part of valor and the flask being filled with liquid courage.

***** PLUS SIZED, am I right?

PS: Have you noticed when you type a word many times, it starts to look wrong? Are you sure it's not spelled "flasque"?

5778: On the fourth night...

On the fourth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

The fourth night of Chanukah- the half-way point. That was last night, so today is the fourth day of Chanukah*.

What not-to-buy on the fourth night of Chanukah?

Oh, this is hard. Harder than night three...

Let me drink on it. 

What am I drinking? Not beer, for the hard stuff. But the hard stuff for the hard stuff- hard liquor. So on the fourth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you:

This is an ice cube tray that encourages you to get hammered.


According to the label, you can use the handle to stir your drink.

Really.

Now, I am far from the handiest lass in Chanukah-ville, but even I know that you don't hold the hammer by the hammer end. You HANDle it by the HANDle, hence the NAME.

So, you can't touch this**.

I'm not buying this for you. Reasons:

1. Although one may MARVEL at the ingenuity and the audacity of  an icy hammer that encourages you to get hammered, nonetheless I know that you will be deeply disappointed to learn that the hammer has no connection to Asgard***. So there's that.

2. This is inappropriate to the holiday. Chanukah is festive, but you are supposed to over-eat, not over-drink. Over-drinking is Purim (I'll catch up with you on 14 Adar- I mean, February 28).

3. Having previously not-bought you Balls of Steel, I trust that your libations are already chill.


Also not buying you this:

Because it's mislabeled. It's encouraging you to "pound" your drinks, but the ice cubes are clearly hashtags. Duh. #soobvious. #holidaydrinking. #hashtags.

* Because that's how we do the Jewish calendar thing: We START when the sun goes down. Yes we do.

*You knew it was coming. Na-na-na-Na, na-na, na-na

** I know my audience. Yeah.

5778: On the third night...

On the third night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you:

 It is a beer boot. It says so, right on the box (en deux langues, s'il vous plait!). "Kick back," it says, "with a cold one!" It's XL, which I am certain is the beginning of X-L-ent!

It holds THREE BEERS*! So it's the perfect gift to not-buy you on Night Three!

WHY would I not buy you the beer boot, when I know perfectly well that you enjoy a good brew?

I'm glad you asked! Here a just a few reasons you might pour over...

1. Beer drinking with the beer boot could lead to putting your foot in your mouth. There's enough of that going around without you joining in!

2. What if all your friends wanted one, too? And you had to smuggle them their own beer boots? You might become a boot-lager.

3. At the bar, your friends would expect you to foot the bill.

Besides, I like you. I would never give you the boot.

Then again, you might not like a beer boot. If you didn't like it, and decided to re-gift it--- would that be a reboot?**

* Night three, three beers, three sheets to the wind... 

 ** I swear these all sounded HILARIOUS after I emptied my X-L-ent beer boot!

5778: On the second night...

On the second night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

The second night of Chanukah is night Number Two, so in honor of Number Two* I did not buy you this:

This is Oh Deer! The Super Dooper Reindeer Pooper.

It comes with "piles of yummy jelly beans."**

The "sweet surprises" are dispensed when you lift the reindeer's tail. Apparently. So it says. I didn't actually TEST DRIVE this gift before not-buying it for you. There were no demo models available.

There are any number of reasons not to buy this for you, but let's stick with two.

1. It's a reindeer, with a red nose-- I'm sure there's some copyright infringement happening somewhere. It's seasonal, true, but not CHANUKAH season.

2. However, the main reason is this. Reason NUMBER TWO***: You lift the reindeer's tail, the reindeer poops, and you eat it. This is the design. BUT- You have a toddler. You don't want to model picking up poop. And eating it.

SOMEONE thought it was a good idea. But not me. So I didn't buy it for you, on the second night of Chanukah. The NUMBER TWO**** night.

Happy holidays! See you after candle lighting for night number three!



*Number Two- get it? heh heh heh Something of a tradition of NUMBER TWO. For instance, this.  Or this.

** Those don't look like jelly beans to me.

*** I'm subtle.

**** SO subtle.

5778*: On the first night...

It's once again that time of year. Here in Michigan, the snow is falling, and the latkes are frying, and it's time, once again, to open up the gifts that I did not get for you** ...

Do you realize I'm about to NOT get you special Chanukah gifts for the sixth year in a row? It's true! Check out 5777, 5776, 5775, 5774, and 5773!***

This tradition is special to me, and I hope special to you. Unfortunately, it is becoming an unintentional tradition that I'm always playing catch up with the holiday. Here it is, Day 2 of 8, and I'm already late! That's just great! But I know you can relate...

ANYWAY:

On the FIRST night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you:

Whose brilliant idea is this?

Here is a smiling child, being devoured by a silver satin and plush SHARK.

Then read the captions. I must believe that whoever wrote the copy had no previous view of the image. Maybe.

It's "the Fun Blanket that brings Imagination to Life!"

If, in your imagination, you are being devoured by a SHARK.

"Perfect for reading, a book, watching a movie, playing games, and more!"

What book- or movie- JAWS?

What games, pray tell? WHAT MORE?

"Wraps You in your Favorite Underwater Character!"

I'm sorry, but that child is not being  WRAPPED. Or SNUGGLED. That child is being SWALLOWED WHOLE.

So, no. I did not buy this for you. ****

Second night, coming up!

*5778 is the current year of the Hebrew calendar. Tradition holds that the Earth was created 5,778 years ago. However, like many of us, the Earth lies about her age. You can look up the current Hebrew date here.

** "You" being originally my Dear Son In Law, who in The First Blog was still my Dear Daughter's Significant Other, but by "You" I also include YOU, Dear Reader

*** For some of the earlier years,  you may have to page down in December to read the Chanukah blogs. Because, I actually used to blog then.

**** Other reasons I did not buy this for you: 1. Not available in your size. 2. Not available in Kraken.

December

It's December, so it's almost time for my return to the blog so that I can NOT give the most special gifts to my SIL, and also share with all of you.

Truly, I always intend to keep on writing come January. Maybe this year.

I am popping in now, though, just to mention that it is tough to be Jewish in December, sometimes.

I am substitute teaching in a public school. The regular teacher has left behind gingerbread house pictures to color and turn into ornaments for your Christmas tree. Santa Claus bulletin boards. A "Santa Cam" worn by the teaching assistant. An Elf-on-the-shelf for the kids to find in its new location each morning. Christmas carols- instrumental- as background music during quiet work times. Secret Santa assignments for the students.

Perhaps there is a "War on Christmas," but it certainly has not made it to this public school.