On the [blank] night of Chanukah, I did not give to you (part 7 of 8)

On the seventh night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

(Wow, it feels so good to write that on the seventh night, to be, you know, caught up.)

On the seventh night of Chanukah, I did not give to you these:

These are ninja-bread men cookie cutters. They look sort of adorable. And they're ninjas!

These are the reasons that the ninja-bread man cookie cutters didn't make the cut.

1. Require too much frosting painting. If you don't frosting paint them to look like ninjas, they just look like senior citizens having a bad day on a slippery sidewalk. I'm getting too old for that to be amusing.
2. Under accessorized. No throwing stars! No nunchucks! NONE CHUCKS! (Unless it's Chuck Norris- but that would require too much frosting painting* - see #1).
 3. Taking away jobs from honest gingerbreadmen. I will not tolerate the ginger prejudice - ask Tim Minchin or let him sing it to you here.


* Notice that I always say "frosting painting". Because that's what you do with [blank]bread men. It needs to be frosting. Not acrylic. Not watercolor. Not tempura. (Well, maybe tempura. Oh, wait, that's tempera- no not that either.)

On the [blank] night of Chanukah, I did not get for you (part 6 of 8)

Here it is the seventh night of Chanukah, and you still don't know what you didn't get for the sixth night!

NEVER FEAR! We are almost caught up!

For the sixth night of Chanukah, I did not get for you:

Now, I know you are now a proud papa! (Daddy to a delightful daughter! One I'm grateful to call granddaughter!)

Also, I've been a parent to an infant. I know that sometimes (often) sleep is in short supply. So coffee may, in fact, be in order.

(Who is kidding whom? WE KNOW COFFEE IS NEEDED!)

So why am I not giving this to you?

1. Prescribed by Dr. Harold Feelsgood. Never trust a doctor named after a comedy improv form.
2. TOO SMALL. Twelve ounces? Even if there are refills! Surely you jest!
3. It's not prescribed for you. It's prescribed for Mr. Java Joe Espresso. You should never take someone else's prescription caffeine.

As soon as I find that prescription in *your* name, I'm on it! (Actually, your name would be on it, and I would be about to buy it... oh, you knew that...)

On the [blank] night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you (part 5 of 8)

Gifts, whenever possible, should be personalized. For you, dear SIL*, I want you to know that I work really hard to not-get you just the right gift.

So I thought long and hard about not-getting you the gift for the fifth night of Chanukah.

I almost not-bought this gift months ago. I finally decided to not-give it to you just recently.

For the fifth night of Chanukah, I did not get for you:

Here's the back:

Now, anyone who knows you, dear SIL, knows that you are an aficionado of all things comic book, super hero, graphic novel and more. So this notebook is absolutely right for you, am I right?

Write?

Wrong.

A few reasons:

1. The creativity of my dear SIL knows no bounds. Not confined by boxes.
2. NO BOUNDS! The creativity of my SIL will not be tempered by templates!
3. Besides, the notebook is not your medium. As is well documented, you are Prince of Post-its.

* For those of you who are new to this blog series, I started not-giving my Dear Son-In-Law these Chanukah gifts years ago, when he was still my DDSO (Dear Daughter's Significant Other). This shopping for just the right not-gift keeps me on alert all year.

On the [blank] night of Chanukah, I did not give to you (part 4 of 8)

As I may have mentioned, these gifts that I do not give you, dear SIL, are gifts that I seek all year long. The gift for the fourth night is one that I found months ago.

At a truck stop.

(Don't judge me. Bargains are where you find them.)

On the fourth night of Chanukah, I did not give to you:

This is a set of shot glasses,that look like trash bins. As stated, they are for getting trashed.

And, you are not getting them.

Because, I'm familiar with all three of these styles of trash bins. And without exception, a few times going bottoms up, and they are tipsy.

Seriously, these trash bins lose their wheels. The bottom falls out. And then, you can't get rid of them (have you ever TRIED to throw away a trash bin?).

I fear a similar fate for trash-bin-shot-glasses.

Not something I would wish for you.

PS: I also did not give you this:

Shot glasses for getting bombed. Also at a truck stop. These look awkward. Hard to handle. You do NOT want to drop the bomb.

On the [blank] night of Chanukah, I did not give to you (part 3 of 8)

On the third night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

Sometimes, there is a gift that I didn't give you that is just so special, it just demands that I not give you something to go with it. A companion piece.

(Or sometimes, a gift that I discovered and didn't give you is later discovered by someone else- for example, the Shitten, which I didn't give you here, way back in December 2014, and just this year, my hero George Takei featured the Shitten on his Facebook page.)

But I digress. Sometimes, as I said, a gift that I did not give you demands that I do not give you a companion piece. So you can have a set, you know? So here you go:

Remember when I did not give you Salt-n-Pants? This year, for the third night of Chanukah, I do not give to you:

Like the Salt & Pants, Mr. TEA is also multi-cultural (or at least bilingual). He's a guy who is okay with getting deep into hot water.

It's almost like your tea cup is his little hot tub. So the little man gets into your tea cup and ...

your clear water slowly turns...

brown.

Not going to get it.

You are welcome.

On the [blank] night of Chanukah, I did not give to you (part 2 of 8)...

Even though I'm late this year, I am thinking about these gifts all year long. I'm not buying you things in every season. Truly.

For instance: Last year, we made a road trip to Alabama in January. We stopped at a lot of truck stops. Would you believe, at nearly every truck stop, I was able to find something not to buy you!

Truly.

So, on the second night of Chanukah this year (although I'm very late in posting) I actually didn't buy this for you almost a year early!

Truly!

Why didn't I buy these colorful sugar skulls for you? Because it's the wrong holiday? NO! Because it's the wrong culture? NO! WE EMBRACE DIVERSITY!

No. It's because they lied to me.

The sign says: AUTHENTIC SUGAR SKULLS.

They aren't sugar. They are ceramic. I checked.

Never, ever, will I give you authentic sugar skulls that are not authentic.

However, I will not-give them to you, for the second night of Chanukah. Truly.

On the [blank] night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

The 2016 edition is definitely the latest edition of this tradition yet. It's the SEVENTH night of Chanukah, ALREADY, and I have YET to not-give you your FIRST night gift.

[Insert excuses here]

On the assumption that later IS better than never, here goes:

On the First Night of Chanukah, I did not give to you:

What's not to like? It's super-hero soap! Fun foam!


They even give a nod to the ladies with Wonder Woman:

Except that- really? Do you want someone vomiting you clean? Even if it's a super-hero?


What I DEFINITELY didn't give you:

Rudolph, the snot-nosed reindeer. Because, that would blow.