I am haunted by sophomore year in high school. By "mediocrity".
In my sophomore year, our school put out a literary/poetry/arts magazine/publication. It featured poems and other writings and photos by students.
I had some poems published.
So did KB, an upperclassman.
Later that year, KB wrote in my yearbook "(blah blah blah) you inspired my favorite poem Mediocrity."
I was shattered. You see, I had read that poem. It was about a woman/girl with great aspirations who never quite made it past (or to) the middle of the pack.
I asked KB, how?? did I inspire that poem?
And she said, oh, no I think you are great, you are so talented, (blah blah blah) it's just that I can't imagine anyone I know actually "making it."
I still feel haunted by that poem.
I'm having a rough day today. My social media feeds are full of "back to school" bulletins of former students, of former colleagues-- and I am not headed back to school to teach (due to the economy, due to - blah blah blah). Others that I *know* are not close to as gifted as I in teaching, or directing, are going back to jobs, are getting tenured at jobs.
I have- voluntarily- retired from my artistic directorship of the youth theater troupe I founded. Which was absolutely the right decision: the position was eating more and more of my time and energy for fewer and fewer delights and rewards. Still, I don't know when my next artistic gig, or my next professional gig, or my next professional artistic gig, will be.
I am happy for the ones who are enjoying successes and new beginnings.
I just wish I could see mine.
2 comments:
For every woman there is another woman in the past (usually the school age past) who has said or done something so awful that we are all haunted forever. At these times, I find it helpful to go back in my mind to the incident, put my adult self next to my child self, and say, "Tell her to shut the f-- up." And my little kid self, with big glasses and fuzzy braids, looks that mean girl right in the eye, and says, "Shut the f-- up." And then I give her a high five, and we go get cupcakes.
Not knowing what the next thing is is really hard. You've already done very significant work, and there is more to come. Think of all the opportunities you've made for yourself before. If you find yourself needing a new one, you're going to make it happen.
I hear you. And I love you.
And prove KB wrong. Prove every KB wrong. MAKE your next opportunity: write it, dream it, do it. And let me know how I can help. :)
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