I am low today, and I would love to unburden but to whom?
To my mom? I am busy being her support post surgery- two spinal surgeries in as many months!
To BK, D1? Or to friend KD? Both have their own struggles....
To SR? Her own struggles as well, and so far away...
To MW? Her own struggles as well, and she has so little support, and her advice is usually trying to encourage me along her path, rather than mine.
To DH KK? Somehow he does not see my pain, and the response is usually, "Well, you shouldn't feel that way!"
But I *do* feel that way.
Triggers are multiple.
I had a board meeting of the troupe I founded and from which I am now retiring. It is difficult to go to these meetings on so many levels. I am letting go, letting go, letting go-- yet it is hard when it seems that those who want to "carry on" don't seem to "get it". I have the sadness of loss, the fear of what the next step might be...
I went that night to an anniversary celebration of friends. I was happy for my friends, and glad for the community that they share. On the other hand, I looked around at the beautiful, larger and better furnished home than my own, and I wonder, will I ever have the home that I long for? with beautiful furnishings and large rooms to host gatherings of family and friends?
The next day I went to a play directed by SO, who once was one of my students/actors. It was quite good- some directing tips that I would like to share- but all in all, quite good. And I was happy for my friend-- and envious of the money and connections behind the show. The production standards were high- beautiful set, and in an intimate and lovely theatre.
And I wonder- will I ever direct or perform in a lovely theatre? Will I ever direct or perform... at all, in future?
And as I struggle with the high stress of the online course of 95 students, I wonder if I will teach again? I have another application in, for another university job, but I am still hurting from the rejection of the recent application, unsure whether I will get even an interview with this one...
On the one hand, part of my dream is to be an outstanding, highly regarded educator with a salary to match BUT- I am wondering if it isn't time to have some unstructured time for writing-- BUT-- will I write with that time?
So I'm okay if I get the job, and okay if I don't-- not the sense of loss that I had with the other one-- BUT--
My mentor, and former chair of my department, has not responded AT ALL to my emails requesting letter of recommendation and teaching evaluation. I have other letters of recommendation, but truthfully he is the only real source for teaching evaluations.
Plus it feels like rejection to not hear at all from him.
AND my weight and my age and my worries about my mom and my kids and retirement and my teeth and and and
It's just a rough day. And I know why, and I don't know why.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Overwhelmed.
I feel like I'm playing catch-up all the time. Frankly, I've been, and still am to a certain extent, overwhelmed.
My mom has had TWO major spinal surgeries in as many months, and I have been her main support/advocate. My schedule is flexible enough that I can take her to the hospital, stay with her there, take her home, spend the night, do her laundry and shopping and so on.
I don't mind. She did it for me AND changed my diapers too! Although that was many years ago ;-)
Then, I am teaching Intro to Theatre online. This is how it came about:
I was teaching Intro to Theatre at X State when I was told about a full-time assistant professorship that looked to be tailor made for me! It was organizing, teaching and administrating all the Intro to Theatre classes! What I've been teaching and refining for 8 years! So I looked at the qualifications, and it described me to a T- except for having published. But, I thought, I have plenty of teaching experience and administrative experience-
Long story extremely shortened, I not only didn't get the job, I didn't get an interview. Didn't make the first cut. A friend who is on the search committee made a special point to talk to me and the bottom line is: they want someone who is published, who will bring fame and honor to XSU- not someone who can teach. They are looking for another professor like the one detested by students, who falls asleep in class- but, when he was hired, had published a book based on his research- and he now has tenure.
Not that I'm bitter.
My friend had the grace to say that she didn't think that those priorities serve the needs of students.
SO- I figured that was it, done with X State, on to something else. You see, once the "Intro Czar" was hired, the plan was to get rid of part-timers such as myself.
Then- I was contacted to see if I would be willing to teach Intro online for the Spring session.
Heck yeah, I said. I am ready to learn something new! And look- gas is $4 a gallon, and now I don't have to commute!
So, after saying yeah, I met with those already teaching the course and got some tips from them. And I signed up for a workshop called "Moving Your Course Online." The instructions said, bring your syllabus with you. Which I did. And it was never even referenced.
Meanwhile, I've learned that Spring session, instead of being 15 weeks, is the intensive 8 weeks version that is supposed to cover everything. And classes are starting in less than 3 weeks.
I go to the workshop. The other participants are saying, I'm nervous, I've got so much to do with this class before Fall-
I say, I'm teaching Spring. Intensive.
Nervous smiles.
Then another participant, after hearing the workshop leader go on about *small* groups of TWO or THREE students, asked, but what if you have a larger class?
The leader says- The research says it's best to have a class of 12 to 15; but, if you must, 20--
The questioner says- but what if you have a BIG class, say 50?
The leader says- Oh! Well, then get grad assistants! Aim for that 12-15!
I say nothing. I have 100 students enrolled at that moment. And NO chance of getting any graduate assistants. Hey, giving me, adjunct, the job, is a COST-CUTTING move.
Fast forward to now, about 3 or 4 weeks in. I have 94 students. I've never taught online before (I can't bring baked goods!). AND it's the intensive version. AND I had only 3 weeks to prepare.
I can see a light at the end of the tunnel now (I should hope so, the class ends at the end of this month!), but it's been a struggle. I put in 40+ hours in 3 days- Thurs, Fri, Sat- just this past weekend, which has meant that I can just about keep up now if I put in ONLY 4 to 6 hours a day.
And I've been subbing at the local K through 8 school when I can- which is where I am now. And going to my mom's after work-which I am doing tonight- don't know where I will find my 4-6 hours today.
AND I'm working on applying for a position at another university. We'll see if I get the interview this time.
Really, ideally, I think I would teach online, publish a wildly successful book or two, go do guest lecturer/artist spots, and laugh my ass off at X State for being so stupid as to NOT EVEN GIVE ME AN INTERVIEW.
Not that I'm bitter.
My mom has had TWO major spinal surgeries in as many months, and I have been her main support/advocate. My schedule is flexible enough that I can take her to the hospital, stay with her there, take her home, spend the night, do her laundry and shopping and so on.
I don't mind. She did it for me AND changed my diapers too! Although that was many years ago ;-)
Then, I am teaching Intro to Theatre online. This is how it came about:
I was teaching Intro to Theatre at X State when I was told about a full-time assistant professorship that looked to be tailor made for me! It was organizing, teaching and administrating all the Intro to Theatre classes! What I've been teaching and refining for 8 years! So I looked at the qualifications, and it described me to a T- except for having published. But, I thought, I have plenty of teaching experience and administrative experience-
Long story extremely shortened, I not only didn't get the job, I didn't get an interview. Didn't make the first cut. A friend who is on the search committee made a special point to talk to me and the bottom line is: they want someone who is published, who will bring fame and honor to XSU- not someone who can teach. They are looking for another professor like the one detested by students, who falls asleep in class- but, when he was hired, had published a book based on his research- and he now has tenure.
Not that I'm bitter.
My friend had the grace to say that she didn't think that those priorities serve the needs of students.
SO- I figured that was it, done with X State, on to something else. You see, once the "Intro Czar" was hired, the plan was to get rid of part-timers such as myself.
Then- I was contacted to see if I would be willing to teach Intro online for the Spring session.
Heck yeah, I said. I am ready to learn something new! And look- gas is $4 a gallon, and now I don't have to commute!
So, after saying yeah, I met with those already teaching the course and got some tips from them. And I signed up for a workshop called "Moving Your Course Online." The instructions said, bring your syllabus with you. Which I did. And it was never even referenced.
Meanwhile, I've learned that Spring session, instead of being 15 weeks, is the intensive 8 weeks version that is supposed to cover everything. And classes are starting in less than 3 weeks.
I go to the workshop. The other participants are saying, I'm nervous, I've got so much to do with this class before Fall-
I say, I'm teaching Spring. Intensive.
Nervous smiles.
Then another participant, after hearing the workshop leader go on about *small* groups of TWO or THREE students, asked, but what if you have a larger class?
The leader says- The research says it's best to have a class of 12 to 15; but, if you must, 20--
The questioner says- but what if you have a BIG class, say 50?
The leader says- Oh! Well, then get grad assistants! Aim for that 12-15!
I say nothing. I have 100 students enrolled at that moment. And NO chance of getting any graduate assistants. Hey, giving me, adjunct, the job, is a COST-CUTTING move.
Fast forward to now, about 3 or 4 weeks in. I have 94 students. I've never taught online before (I can't bring baked goods!). AND it's the intensive version. AND I had only 3 weeks to prepare.
I can see a light at the end of the tunnel now (I should hope so, the class ends at the end of this month!), but it's been a struggle. I put in 40+ hours in 3 days- Thurs, Fri, Sat- just this past weekend, which has meant that I can just about keep up now if I put in ONLY 4 to 6 hours a day.
And I've been subbing at the local K through 8 school when I can- which is where I am now. And going to my mom's after work-which I am doing tonight- don't know where I will find my 4-6 hours today.
AND I'm working on applying for a position at another university. We'll see if I get the interview this time.
Really, ideally, I think I would teach online, publish a wildly successful book or two, go do guest lecturer/artist spots, and laugh my ass off at X State for being so stupid as to NOT EVEN GIVE ME AN INTERVIEW.
Not that I'm bitter.
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