a sense of loss

There are of course no guarantees in this life. And *this* fall, I hadn't officially been offered the class to teach and signed a contract. I had only "unofficially" been asked via email.

So I shouldn't feel this heart-sick disappointment when I checked in at the University website and saw that a tenured professor will once again be teaching "my" Intro to Theatre class.

Last year, I had the contract in my hand-- I had signed it and was awaiting the Dean's signature, when I got a call that due to the budget cuts, etc, etc. a tenured prof would have to teach the class (since he already had to be paid in the budget) and many apologies, no reflection on my work.

*sigh*

Still, I was more than a little bit counting on this job. It has been great for my self-esteem to say I am employed using my PhD. It is helpful income. AND I am at a transitional point in my life when I want to move on to being more professionally employed and stop giving myself away.

I am trying to figure out my next step. Do I write to my department chair and say I noticed what has happened and I would like to meet to go over my teaching portfolio to make me more marketable? Do I ignore it and focus on my writing?

Do I give up and apply for a job at Tim Horton's Donut shop?

I am weeping inside, even though this is not a total surprise. I had been thinking, when I know *for sure* that I have the Intro to Theatre job, maybe I will look at buying a little used truck so we have a second super-useful vehicle.

I can, of course, continue to sub at Ken's school. It's something-- about as much as babysitting.

I could start up a kid's day care camp/pre-school.

I could go back to school to get a Master's in Education (literally backing up to school, to go back and get a Master's after a PhD).

Really, I want to go back to bed and curl up and cry.