good things come in small packages

I struggled with the title for this post.

I thought of "jealousy".

I thought of "money".

I thought of "struggle," "frustration", "competition," "self-esteem," "success" and a few other words that currently escape my memory (short term memory REALLY sucks lately).

Here is the deal:

Another youth theater organization is in the running for a million dollar prize through a giving community. This organization has been very successful financially. I've only seen a few of their shows, which have been engaging. They do good work; they deserve support.

And they have gotten it. They have received several grants and awards that have helped fund their organization. They have several corporate sponsors. They currently have an annual budget of over $350K.

My youth theater organization is smaller and has had significantly less financial success. On the plus side, we have always operated in the black. We have more than twice as much money this year than we had last year.

BUT

We don't pay me, really. We haven't enough money to pay me, or any other staff (we could really use a producer and a stage manager). We haven't enough money to get a reliable rehearsal/storage/performance space.

The reasons for the differences in financial success are several that I understand: geography (we have no specific location, they have an urban location), grantable population (partly due to our origins, we are far too middle class white bread), length of time (partly- as they started about 8 or 9 years before we did) and size (hence today's title). There are probably other reasons that I am unaware of-- or I fear-- my self-esteem struggles-- are they better than we are?

I struggle with the idea of success. Is my group a success? Am I?

I struggle with community. My group grew out of family and friends and a cohort working outside the traditional educational community. Our best times, our best seasons, our best years were those times that a core group of young artists had been working with me and with each other deeply and personally for a number of shows, even years. We achieved true excellence, I believe.

I have resisted getting bigger and growing corporate when it seemed to threaten that community; and even so, that community has had to be rebuilt again and again.

Is it time to deliberately move away from this personal, family-feel artistic community to something larger?

I feel frustrated by these questions. Part of my theory of art-- theatrical or otherwise-- is that not competition, but collaboration, feeds art. Also, I believe that the more theater there is, the more we all benefit... BUT I am still jealous of this group's success.

If I'm so good why ain't I rich?

There has been good-- great good-- that has come out of my group, and the all-volunteer group that it grew out of. This great good has been highly individual, however.

One of my friends-- a founding member and partner of both the all-volunteer group and the current group-- has been urging me for a number of years to let both groups go.

You have your PhD, she says. You have gotten all you can get out of it. Now it is just more of the same.

And she is right, I suppose. I have "gotten all I can get out of it." But that sentiment feels hugely selfish to me.

But maybe I should be more selfish.

Maybe I should make my group smaller but more expensive.

Maybe I should make it bigger, more diverse and find corporate sponsors.

Or maybe I should just get a job at Tim Horton's.