On the eighth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 The candles are burning! My DH's* favorite night is night eight, when all the candles are glowing.

 

(If you ask me, night 4's candle looks a little drunk. Hide the Manischewitz.)

It's the Festival of Lights, so I thought about getting you this:

Festival of Lights, Light Sabers, get it?

Also CHOP STICKS, just in time for the Jewish Christmas Holiday tradition of eating Chinese food!

 

What, you thought Jewish folk don't celebrate Christmas? Well, we don't celebrate the religious holiday. Let's face it, though, Christmas is a legal holiday here in the USA. There are traditions.

Here's SNL's take on Christmas time for the Jews. 

I don't know that SNL got it 100% right, but the eating Chinese food has been a thing. 

So, why wouldn't I buy these for you?

I'm not great with chopsticks to begin with, and now we're adding electricity to this adventure?

Also lightsabers are a weapon, am I right? We're looking for Shalom! 

Somehow the blue light in the mouth reminds me of my dentist (although I am told they come in other colors as well. Kylo Red, I think).

No, I'd rather go with a nice, safe, traditional holiday gift for the People of the Book.

A book.

May the Farts be with you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

*On this particular night, a single asterisk is just to draw your attention to this note, to let you know that DH is my Dear Husband. 

On the seventh night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 I'm late, I know, I apologize. 

I thought I'd have time between grading papers and wrapping gifts and grating potatoes for latkes, but I clearly overestimated my time management skills.

Sorry about that.

This what I did not buy for you YESTERDAY. Last night. Night 7.

This is the Gotta GO Flamingo. Its neck wiggles when you feed it. It repeats what you say. Best of all, when you feed it it does a MAGIC POOP.

 

 

Who doesn't want a flamingo that poops a MAGIC POOP? 

EVERYONE wants one!

Why wouldn't I buy this for you?

Silly question!

This was the gift I didn't buy for night 7, because clearly this is a gift for night #2.

 

 

On the third/fourth/fifth/sixth night of Chanukah I did not buy for you...

 

This year Chanukah is early** but I am late.

Sorry, it happens.

I got off to a great start! Unfortunately, life has been... chaotic, I suppose? After night #2, as they say, sh*t happens.

While every night I lit the candles and thought of you, dear SIL and Dear Reader, I have not been able to not-give you the gifts that I did manage to not-buy for you. 

So LOTS tonight!

Since we were handling a lot of #2 on night #2, it's time to wash our hands. So on night #3, I am not buying you soap. Not just any soap, but soap that goes along with the gardening theme (sort of) from the previous night.

 

 

 

This is Corn Soap. It not only looks like corn, it not only feels like corn, it also smells like corn. Or, so says the promotional copy.

Does it clean like corn, though? 

I guess we may never know, for two reasons: 

#1 I'm not buying it for you.

#2 I have not previously cleaned with corn, so I have no basis for comparison.

I have never understood why these are called ears of corn. Not necessarily the body part I would have thought of first. In fact, I wonder if "ears" of corn might be featured in the gift that I'm not-buying you for night #4:

 

 

 

This calendar is beautiful, as so many of these pictures-of-nature calendars are. I'm not-buying you this calendar. Yes, it's timely. Yes, it is (apparently) all natural in its beauty. However, I'm not sure I'm into Nature au naturel. Or au naturelle-- something is just wrong about Mother Nature's dick pics. 

Or maybe not. If anyone is non-binary, I'm guessing it's Nature.

 

For night #5, I am not giving you this:

 

 

 

Can you guess what this is? I bet you can't. Okay, I'll tell you. This continues the themes already introduced of gardening, dicks-that-aren't-dicks, and things I am DEFINITELY not buying you for Chanukah. 

This is a yodeling pickle. 

The ad copy for this reads:

• Hours of mindless entertainment
• Batteries included
• Great gift for the person who has everything except a yodeling pickle

 

While I feel certain you don't already have a yodeling pickle, I am also confident that you don't have everything (yet), so this gift is not perfect for you. While "batteries included" is quite the enticement, I also feel certain that you are not mindless, and therefore this entertainment would be wasted on you. 

Or maybe  not. I could be wrong about that last bit.

 

Which brings us to night #6. Tonight. ALL CAUGHT UP! (with my not-gift giving, if nothing else.)

Continuing with the shape of things to come:

I give you:

 

This is Accountability Banana. It is an actual thing, but it is not an actual banana.

The ad copy promises that this guy will "keep an eye on you while you are working at home."

He can perch on your work station! On your liquor cabinet! 

I'm not buying Accountability Banana for you. This has no aPEEL. 

(You knew I was going to say it.)

If you need accountability, grab a potato. 

It will keep an eye on you.

 

** Actually, Chanukah is not early this year. It once again arrived on the 25th of Kislev. KISLEV was early on the Gregorian calendar this year. Or maybe Greg was late. You decide. 

* A single asterisk stands for the letter "i"- still.