daily grind

I've been working a lot at the public charter school around the corner from where I live. My Dear Husband is the director of finance there.

I have been substitute teaching there when it fits with my schedule over the last several years. More recently, I have been working in the finance department as well. So now, I work most days at the school, either as a substitute teacher, or as a finance assistant, or as both at different times during the day.

Most days. On Mondays, I babysit for my grandson. It's a little less than an hour's drive to my son's home. It is a great pleasure- most of the time- to have a flexible schedule that allows me to do this.

Saturdays and Sundays, if we are home, DH and I usually have one day to ourselves and another day for errands or visits. When we aren't home, it's because we head out for a visit to our children in Chicago.

Evenings we go out to eat more often than not, these days. We come home and watch TV - often episodes of NCIS or Pawn Stars that we have watched many times before- each of us with our computer screen open in front of us. We comment on what we see on the computer, or on the inanity of the commercials on the TV. Sometimes I am reading- when I have a good book going. Often we have a glass or two of wine while we watch.

We go to bed. I usually read for awhile in bed.

There are some good things about this routine. It's comfortable and comforting. We are together, and this is comfortable and comforting.

There are some not-so-good things about this routine. We're eating out a lot and I am sitting on my ass a lot.

This is a marked contrast to other times in my life.

When I was a girl, growing up in my parents' home, we didn't go out to eat. At all. Ever. We had cereal for breakfast, and my mom, staggering around with sleepy eyes and bed-head hair, would pack sack lunches for all of us. We had dinner at home.

I believe my mom knew 1001 ways to fix ground beef.

If we kids had homework, we did that. Mostly, we roamed around outside, until it was dark.

The TV was on, but my dad was master of the house and we watched what he watched or we didn't watch at all. It was literally true that a kid might be watching a program and my dad would come in and change to a program he wanted.

He was home. It was his castle.

When I was 12 or 13, I saw a couple of episodes of Star Trek at some friend's house, and I fell in love with the show- and that was the main reason that I saved up my babysitting money and allowance and gave all that I had saved towards what was my main Christmas present that year- a little TV that could go in my room so I could watch Star Trek.

I felt very rich.

I went to college- I think I took my TV with me, but I'm not sure. My memory of my life is so foggy- I have often thought that either I had a terrible time and repressed it, or it was so unremarkable as to be forgettable.

In any case, the years of later high school and college and post college study in London were so consumed with theater and socializing that I didn't watch TV, probably for 6 or 7 years. I was physically active, and once I got out of the dorms, I was back to making my own meals.

Then I worked in restaurants. I made my own breakfasts, made my own whole wheat bread for toast, and eggs, and orange juice, and coffee. I ate at the restaurants where I worked. And I went out to bars and restaurants with girlfriends and others. I waited on tables, and I danced to the jukebox. I was living in Chicago, I didn't have a car, I walked everywhere.

When I met DH, he and I were both working in restaurants. We ate out at restaurants a lot, but I also cooked. When we were on oppositive schedules, I would come home from working the lunch shift, prepare delicious meals timing them to be ready at 2:00 in the morning when DH would arrive from the dinner shift. We would sit on the balcony of his condo and drink wine.

So I was physically active then, too. And I cooked.

When we married and had children, we were broke. In fact, for a number of years, I thought that DH losing his job was a symptom of pregnancy. I cooked our meals and took care of our kids.

I watched daytime TV for a while, until my Dear Daughter, age 2, while I was nursing her brother on one side and she was balancing on the other side,  announced she was going to give me a kiss "like on Love Boat," grabbed my face with both hands, and ground her lips against mine from side to side.

That was the end of daytime TV for me.

Mortality

My friend Michael died on December 14, 2012. He was 50 years old.

On that day, 20 children and 6 adults were shot and killed at Sandy Hook Elementary school in Connecticut.

I just learned a few hours ago that the parent of one of "my" theater kids died in a car accident yesterday. She leaves behind a husband and six childen, ages ranging from 3 to 16.

Over the last several weeks, I have been working on the labyrinthean paperwork required in applying for Social Security Disability Benefits for my sister and her husband. My brother-in-law has multiple myeloma, and while we are hopeful and he is getting the best treatment available, it is scary for him and his family.

I will be making soup.

This is a hard winter.

I am cold, and cannot get warm.

Up and down

I am working on making 2013 a better year. I am working on being grateful. I have been reminded recently of The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz that I read a number of years ago.

The four agreements are:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

***
I've fallen back into some of the habits that aren't helpful-- I am taking things too personally and I've been assuming rather than just letting things be.

I am working on doing my best, although lately I have been tired and putting my efforts into frustrating exercises.

I am working hard to only use my words for good. I want to use my words-- for good-- and use my words-- well-- and use my words--

more often.

2012- review of the positives

I hope to come back and add more events and detail to this review, but for now, here is a quick summary of blessings.

January 2012- A new year is a new opportunity. I accepted a job directing a musical. (I later dropped the job for very good reasons.) I started teaching two classes- to upper classmen-- in my major! I loved that! A trip to Chicago--always fun.

My mom, who had moved in with Dear Husband K and me following a series of surgeries, found in January that she had recovered from her surgeries and was able to move back to her own home!

February 2012- I signed a contract to teach Intro to Theatre online for the Spring semester

March 2012- Dear Husband K and I made a road trip south to see Dear Daughter's play win an award in Tennessee and then visit my dad and his wife on the Alabama Gulf Coast.

April 2012- I resigned from the directing job for good reasons. My mom had another great report from her doctor.

May 2012- I had a fantastic Mother's Day. A trip to Chicago to see my kids perform their music. A trip to Pittsburgh to attend the wedding of one of my alterna-kids. And... he just couldn't wait... in the small hours of May 31, my first grandchild was born a bit earlier than anticipated!

June 2012- We learned my grandson's name at his bris. We saw lots of our favorite people when they came in to town to meet our grandson. I had a trip to NYC to see a play I may direct in the Midwest, and stayed with one of my alterna-kids- who asked me to officiate at her wedding!

July 2012- After DH K's hernia surgery, and several procedures for me, we learned he and I had a clean bill of health.

August 2012- Great visits with DH K's goddaughter and her family, and with one of my alterna-kids and her fiance

September 2012- I started babysitting for my grandson once a week. Such a treat!

October 2012- Celebrated my mom's 75th birthday.

November 2012- Another wedding trip, this time to Cinncinnati. Went to Chicago to see Dear Son A in a play, and saw another play as well-- a gift from DS A, Dear Daughter C and her Significant Other K. Another great Thanksgiving. Then a rockin' concert of DD C and her SO K at a local cafe. ALSO participated in NaNoWriMo and wrote a novel. And started helping out in DH K's department (finance) at the local K-8 school where he is an administrator.

December 2012- Triumphed over bureaucracy as I helped my sister and her hubby with difficult paperwork in applying for various kinds of assistance due to his illness. We covered all the gift bases. We made it through another year, a challenging year.

I feel stronger already.

(not) shopping early for Hannuka!

This was so wonderful that I couldn't WAIT to not buy it for you!

Yes, you read that correctly! This is a a vacuum cleaner for your ears!

I bet you don't have one (yet)!

I actually saw an ad for this on TV. Today.