writing: updates to my life

So Dear Husband K is recovering from his surgery- every day is a bit better. This past Monday, I had a follow up with my doctor to learn that all is BENIGN.

But

(or should I say, BUTT)

Thursday I got a call literally minutes before I took the first pill that would start the process of "cleansing" my colon prior to my Friday morning colonoscopy.

Apparently, one doctor's office or the other has lost the referral paper work so I couldn't have the procedure Friday morning.

Now, I am grateful that the call came before the process of "cleansing" started, but I am angry that the procedure will now be in AUGUST.

Along with my annual Pap test.

I had so looked forward to having this behind me. (forward, behind, whatever)

In other news, I continue to monitor my mood. Mostly okay, so far.

I am monitoring my mom's mood, too. She is pretty definitely depressed. When I went with her to her doctor on Wednesday, he found that her blood pressure was low, especially for the late afternoon time of day (100/58). He listened to her symptoms: feeling generally "sick," general weakness, arms "heavy" and weak, no appetite, bad taste in mouth, dry mouth, waking early and unable to get back to sleep, good days and bad days, worse in the morning. He ordered blood work, to make sure he isn't missing something like anemia, or kidney function, but his feeling is that most of her difficulties can be traced to depression. He has cut back her blood pressure meds, and taken her off the Prozac (which she had only been taking for two weeks, after having *on her own* taken herself off of her previous anti-depressant) and on to a newer, quicker acting medication Viibryd. She will go back to see him in 2 months.

dreams

I dreamed a dream tonight.

And so did I.

And what was yours?

That dreamers often lie.

Dream 1
... I dreamed that I was waiting to go in to  a spa but I had to use the bathroom. I went in the bathroom, but it wasn't a bathroom, in spite of the signs, but a fitting room and the woman in there and her daughter were looking at pink tutus. So I wandered the ?mall? and came to a room that had a bathroom with shower - there was a child peeing in it dragged out by his mom.
At some point I found soft flannel gowns/blankets to wear back to the spa; and at some point, but before I headed back to my spa wrapped in flannel I was talking to one of my actors from My U, LW- telling her as we discussed fear, and I said think of it like stage fright- it is energy that you can use.


Dream 2
...I dreamed I was at My U and over hearing that there was a real need for professors and I was saying, hey, me, ME! And no one listened- and then they started talking about needing professors for playwriting and other courses that were JUST MY STYLE and I was saying me Me ME! and my one time mentor BA said no, no matter what, not you.

Ouch.

And in this dream or some other I was looking in the mirror and cutting my hair and it was wild. I had to force myself to stop.

mini rant

So, I didn't get the advising job- did I mention that here? Mostly I am very okay with it. Advising is not my field.

Nevertheless, another rejection stings a bit.

So I must WRITE! Must discipline myself to WRITE EVERY DAY! And not just grocery lists!

While advising is not my field, theater- teaching, directing, writing- *is* my field. And it looks quite like I shall be languishing idle from that field- unless, of course, I WRITE EVERY DAY!

I expressed my frustration to my friend CH this way: I was raised to believe that if you do what it is that you do in an excellent fashion, you will excel- you will succeed- you will be a success.

"If you build a better mousetrap, the world will beat a path to your door."

Instead, it turns out, that if you build a better mousetrap, the other mousetrap-builders will turn on you viciously, destroy your mouse-trap prototypes, beat you bloody, and leave you for dead.

Even, or especially, if their own mousetraps no longer trap mice (if they ever did).

write anything, still

I continue to struggle with my "time off" although, what kind of a vacation is taken up with what seem to be weekly hospital visits?

Last week was my trip; this week, DH K's surgery is... tomorrow.

Next week, me again.

The following week is August already-a signal that my summer is nearly over! Not fair!

write anything continued

Dear digital diary... how are you today?

I continue to monitor my mood, since going off my meds. Today, I have set my timer for 20 minutes and kept moving for all 20 minutes. I am looking forward to visits with my kids and seeing my grandson.

I've been thinking, and it seems to me that this is my first summer off in like, forever. Since I was a kid, anyway.

When I went to college, I was able to get my undergrad degree in three years, because I had taken Advanced Placement exams that gave me credit for ALL of freshmen language arts, and because I went to school through the summer as well. I worked- I had a campus job- and I did the acadmic thing.

Then, I worked 80+ hours a week for a year to pay for my study abroad at the acting conservatory in London. Well worth it- but it was a LOT of work.

Then the year abroad ended with a production in NYC and in San Francisco, then I was at my parents' home for a couple weeks before moving to Chicago and finding a job.

Once you are working, you don't get summer vacations. I feel that the school system is grotesquely unfair in setting up these expectations for leisurely summers which DO NOT HAPPEN in the grown-up world.

Then, I had kids. Once you have kids, whether you have an outside-the-home job or not, you do not have summers off.

Or nights. Or weekends.

By the time my kids had all left the nest, I had established my youth theater troupe and a tradition of a large cast summer show. So I was rehearsing all summer long.

Well.

I retired from my directorship this year. There were a couple of job possibilities here and there... but, long story considerably shortened, I have most of the summer "off".

And I am trying to figure out what to do with myself.

write anything

I've been away too long, so I will jump in and write randomly. Little by little, perhaps, getting back to the habit of writing.

I am worrying. I am a worrier. I come by it honestly; my mom is a champion worrier, and I have been practicing my worrying for many years.

I'm worrying about my friend, who spent well over 12 hours in surgery yesterday in his latest round of his battle with cancer.

I'm worrying about my kids, praying for health and happiness for each of them.

I'm worrying about my so-called career. I have no "work" this summer. Several medical issues- none, at the moment, thank heaven, really serious- encouraged and led me to this path. I feel at odds having no structured demands on my time.

I'm working on getting back in the habit of writing- witness today's return to the blog.

I'm back in the habit of reading. Right now I'm on the most recently published book from the Song of Ice and Fire series. Frustrated that there are at least two more books in the saga that ARE NOT  YET PUBLISHED!

I'm working on developing better health habits. My weight is UNBEARABLE. I feel like I am walking around in a fat suit. I am drinking over 70 oz of water a day, eating at least one bowl of oatmeal or oat cereal a day, and building up activity every day. Today I set the timer for 20 minutes and did active housework until the timer went off.

I know, me, housework, right?

Bleed

I no longer bleed
in the manner of women
following the moon

It is my heart's blood that flows now
invisible
in a secret cycle
whose phases are not found
by almanac or calendar

Seeking spiritual sunshine
to chase shadows from my heart
longing for smiles that promise
tomorrow will be better
than
today