On the fifth night of Chanukah I did not buy for you...

 It's night five! The fifth!

There is also a tradition for the fifth night... something involving a fifth... or ways to imbibe from a fifth...

So on the fifth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Violin decanter for a spirited fifth

This lovely decanter is just the thing for your fifth of whiskey, or bourbon,  or other fine spirits. 

I'm not buying this for you, on the fifth night, for the following reasons (take note):

The violin holds 1000 milliliters. A fifth is 750 milliliters. When you pour in your fifth, it looks like you got shorted. Is the violin 3/4 full or 1/4 empty? Or is it in 3/4 time?

The decanter is described as elegant, like a proper violin. Somehow, fine bourbon or whiskey puts me more in mind of a lively fiddle than an elegant violin- but, poe-TAY-toe, poe-TAH-toe, amiright?

After describing the fine craftsmanship and elegance of the decanter, the add goes on to say "its tuning peg functions as a leak-tight cap that you can remove to pour yourself a drink or chug straight from the glass violin." 

Chugging? From your violin's NECK? 

Even though this decanter is described as perfect for your friends who love music and drinking, and I know you love music and drinking, I'm not buying it.

If you still want to try a spirited fifth with the violin, don't fret- try this instead:

Mozart's Violin Concerto No. 5

No strings attached.

On the fourth night of Chanukah I did not buy for you...

 Fourth night- the midway point!

On the fourth night of Chanukah I did not buy for you:

These are a full dozen itty bitty rubber chickens. A dozen! Just like you buy EGGS!

I'm a fan of rubber chickens, actually. They are funny. I have one in my basement right now.

Everyone should have a rubber chicken!

So why wouldn't I buy this for you?

I'm sure there are many reasons, but basically it boils down to the fact that these biddies are itty bitty. 

Teeny tiny itty bitty biddies. If you had one in your pocket, you could reach for your keys and accidentally choke the chicken!

Let's face it, for these particular peckers, size matters.

If you think that is fowl, you are correct.

On the third night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 Happy Chanukah! Welcome to night three!

On the third night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you:

Grow a boyfriend. Also available in Grow a Girlfriend.

Behold! If you are stuck for a date (or a companion) you can grow your own.

Seriously, the DIY movement and Grow Your Own movement are both in full swing. 

Why not Create Your Own Companion? Grows up to 6 times its original size! Just add water- classic easy recipe!

WHY NOT?

Well there are a few reasons.

1. First of all, and I do hate to be picky about this, but grammar matters. This packaging reads "it's" when it should read "its" and this is simply not acceptable. I am an educator, after all.

2. I know you have lots of companions, as well as your own wonderful partner (after all, you are my DSIL*). You are never without a companion when you want one- and if you happened to be without a companion, I know you are great at making friends. Note: you make friends, and grow friendships. You are already great at this!

3. Finally, you and I both know that growing your own companion can go horribly wrong. And if you, dear reader, do not know this, you should immediately buy this book**!

Click this link to order!

See you tomorrow night!

*Dear Son in Law- to whom this blog was first dedicated in 2012 and to whom it is still addressed

** This is not shameless self-promotion. While I admit that in this promotion I have no shame, I am not promoting my own work. I am promoting my daughter's work. 

On the second night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Welcome to the second night of Chanukah! Night Number TWO! Night number two has traditionally been themed in this recurring blog series around... Number Two. 

In keeping with tradition, I am not buying you this:

This toilet tissue is ULTRA STRONG, so it should stand up to your crappiest day. 

It's apparently the Meijer* store brand, so it's economical**.

It's SIX double rolls - equal to TWELVE regular rolls***!

Best of all, it is THC infused to calm your ass down. Instead of rolling papers, it's rolls of paper.

So why not buy it?

1. It's a store brand. When I don't-buy for you, I don't-buy the top of the line!

2. I'm not saying you need to calm your ass down. You make that assessment yourself.

3. I may need to calm my own ass down. I may keep this.

4. That is, if I can find it. The truth is, I have not seen this product at my local Meijer store. I strongly suspect some AI is having some fun with us. I need to go to the "library" to get to the "bottom" of this. Although, this product from the Brits seems legit- but is out of stock (and also out of THC- just CBD, just saying)-

So- on night number two, clean up, calm down, light up...

YOUR MENORAH! Light up your MENORAH!

* Do you even have Meijer in your neck of the woods? Is it just a Michigan thing?

** Since this is a store brand- which is usually the equivalent of generic, right?- what is the national brand? Why have I not heard of this before?

*** Except - are there even regular rolls anymore? I feel like all I see on shelves are double rolls.

On the first night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Happy Hanukkah 5785!

After a hiatus, I'm working on a return to this tradition - sharing with my DSIL* what I did not buy for him for Chanukah.

Which I also did not buy for you, dear reader.

This year, the winter holidays overlap. As you know, Christmas is on December 25th. This year, as every year, Chanukah begins on the 25th- of the Hebrew month of Kislev. This year, the evening of December 25th is the beginning of the 25th of Kislev.

On this first night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you... a Festive Holiday Flamingo.

Of course, I have not-bought you Chanukah Flamingos in the past- witness for example the Gotta-Go Flamingo. **

Why the semi-repeat? Well, the previous flamingo was festive but not holiday specific. Also, that one was Gotta-Go, and this one, you gotta blow... it up.

This one is definitely holiday specific. In fact, not only does this Festive Flamingo sport a jaunty Santa cap, the Flamingo hangs out with Santa! This is the full picture:

So why am I not buying these for you?

1. It's not in a store. It was on someone's lawn. If I acquired it for you, I'm pretty sure that's theft.

2. This Flamingo is sitting down on the job. Flamingos are FAMOUS for standing- like, on one foot. Which is sort of Talmudic, which almost could overcome the next objection- if indeed this dang Flamingo was standing on one foot***.

3. Even though it is holiday-specific, it is once again the wrong holiday as so many gifts seem to be... in December.

*DSIL= Dear Son In Law

** Past non-purchases have reappeared in this blog from time to time- and some have become purchases! This year, I did buy for my DSIL something I did not buy years ago- socks. In 2013, I did not buy a squatty potty and Poo-Pouri, both of which were revisited in 2018- when we discovered what trend setters we were, seeing these items on store shelves everywhere (or at least at Costco)! Fun fact: DSIL has actually purchased some of the items that I did not buy for him, after becoming intrigued by the product in this blog!

*** According to Talmudic legend, a man asked the great sages to teach him all of Torah while he stood on one foot. He first went to the great sage Shammai, who heard the impertinent question and smacked the guy upside the head. Recovering, the guy went to Hillel, who answered: That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is the whole of the Torah. The rest is commentary. Go and learn it.