5779: On the fourth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

On the fourth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Well, strictly speaking, on the fourth night of Chanukah, I didn't not-buy you anything. I was busy... but, fortunately for all of us, all Jewish holidays begin at sundown and then continue through the next day until sundown. So, I'm still on time! AND today is THURSDAY, so we can do a little Throwback Thursday action.

For instance, remember when I didn't give you this:

 

You can read all about WHY I didn't give it to you HERE 

There were a few reasons, including NOT WANTING YOU TO BE DEVOURED, which is in part while I am not giving you this one this year:

I must confess that with this particular photo, I am not sure if the dragon is eating the child, or regurgitating the child*.

Also, I am charmed at the specificity of the GREEN dragon. Also a MAGICAL character.  To differentiate between this and the GRAY shark, which is an UNDERWATER character.

Continuing to THROW BACK** on this Thursday, remember all those times I didn't buy you drinking accessories? For instance, when I didn't give you the BOOT? When I didn't give a chill option to get HAMMERED?

 When I didn't get you what you FLASKED for***?

So, perhaps we should sober up****. Therefore, I will not give you:

This is SOBERDOUGH. According to the website,

Home baked bread --- Just add beer --- No Baking skills needed!

 Okay, I added the emphasis. That exclamation point is all me!

Why didn't I buy this for you? Several reasons:

1. The DOUGH gets to drink, but you don't? Unfair! 

2. This implies that you have no baking skills. I would never suggest such a thing.

3. This display was an impulse-buy display at the check out counter of the HARDWARE STORE. Who shops for fine cuisine at the hardware store? Who impulsively bakes?*****

So no, didn't buy this.

One last TBT gem:

Remember when I didn't buy you POO-POURI? When I didn't buy you the SQUATTY POTTY? 

LOOK what I found on recent shopping trips!

AND

The POO-POURI gift sets were in the aforementioned hardware store near the Soberdough (another reason not to buy SOBERDOUGH-- just saying!). The SQUATTY POTTY stack was at Costco! (I think Costco. Maybe Meijer?)

I'm NOT not-giving you either of these to you this year; that would be redundant. I'm just including them to show you how trend-setting we are! Our not-giving gifts are mainstream these days!

So, happy Thursday and happy fourth day of Chanukah!

Talk to you soon!
__________________________________


*Are dragons like owls? Pellet-puke instead of poop? Although, I am pretty sure that dragon fewmets are poop.

** THROW BACK! Get it? See what I did there?

*** Not apologizing. Nope.You can take it. You have BALLS OF STEEL. 

**** Or maybe not. It's the holidays! Eat, drink, and so on!

***** Okay, forget that last one. I have been known to impulsively bake.

family stories

It's freshman year in a very liberal, progressive college and my son is taking a course that teaches about Shakespeare.

The professor says: many of you may not realize that to "die" in Shakespeare's time had another meaning.

My son's hand goes up.

The professor: Yes?

My son: I know what it also means.

The professor (indulgent): Oh, you do?

My son: Yes. It means to experience sexual climax.

The professor (surprised): Why yes it does! Where did you learn that?

My son: From my mommy.

(I feel certain he didn't say "mommy" but it is much funnier that way.)

stories: why I became a theater artist

I struggle in my relationship with my father. Ever since my brother was born, it was clear that as the only son, my brother was also the favorite child.

My dad has tried to be supportive from time to time. My dad is NOT a feminist, but he has tried to be enlightened from time to time.

For instance, when I came home with some extraordinarily high score on some standardized test or other, my father urged me to broaden my horizons.

He said, "These are great scores. You could do anything. You don't have to feel limited because you are a girl. You could do anything... you could become a doctor, a lawyer, an engineer... as long as it didn't require talent, you could do it."

So I became an actor.

family stories- death bed promise

I always wondered why my first cousin once removed never married, and even now lives with her nearly-90 year old father and her dysfunctional brother in his forties (who also never married).

Talking with my mom recently I heard that on her deathbed, my great aunt made my cousin promise to always take care of her (my cousin's) father and brother.

HOW could a mother do that to a daughter? According to my mom, our cousin (my mom's cousin) has at least twice had a relationship with a man who wanted to marry her...but she didn't wouldn't couldn't due to this deathbed promise.

This particular great aunt was one I always cared for... it is hard for me to imagine her doing something like this.

Families are strange.

family stories: switched at birth

this is the story that my mom told me about her paternal grandfather:

There were two women who gave birth at the same time at the same hospital. One of the mothers died; the baby of the other mother died. So the ?nurses? switched the dead baby to the dead mother, and gave the live mother the live baby...

So that although I can do the genealogical research, without DNA I won't know FOR SURE how far that line goes back...