Holiday in the season of sorrow

While Christmas is not my holiday, it is for many that I love. This entire season is triggering on many levels since Ken died.

Thanksgiving was hugely challenging. The kids and I planned to gather in Chicagoland in homes and hotels. We knew it would be tough. We worked hard to make choices that would make it easier on all of us: only cooking or baking the foods we really wanted to make, and ordering pre-cooked items for the rest; a more relaxed timeline; easy games with the grandkids. 

My son J and his family in Ann Arbor tested positive for Covid the morning of the day that they were to leave to join us in Chicagoland. 

Hard missing Ken, and then hard missing our son/brother and family to grieve together, to play together with grandkids/cousins. 

We made it through with full hearts, full bellies. We literally cried in our beer. We had some breakdowns and some build ups. We came out the other side.

Since then, there has been  a trip for me to North Carolina to visit my friend SJR and Chanukah. 

The trip to North Carolina was great. Walking every day, sharing our losses- the good memories and the hard memories- laughing some, weeping some. Cherishing each other. We've been friends for more than 50 years. There is a special ease in sitting with someone who knows your history. 

Chanukah was tough. Emails and calls with the out-of-town kids. CMK and KG were staying with me- mostly. JE and family came up from Ann Arbor for the first night on Thursday and we were together, with grandkids and that eased me a bit. Friday, the second night, was at my temple, with dinner and Shabbat service, which was lovely.  I felt the shared community.

The next night was a gathering- a Chanukah party at the rabbi's house. Attending that, in retrospect, was a huge mistake. I felt isolated and set apart from my community. Not feeling any party vibe. Feeling alone in a room of couples- and those who are solo for a long time. I sneaked out early.

CMK and KG left Sunday morning. That night was hard, lighting Chanukah candles in the darkness all alone for the first time in my life.

I muddled through the rest of the week- met with my sister once, went to grandson J's band concert, lots of grading of my students' papers and projects as they made a mad dash to somehow pass the class. 

On Thursday, the last night, I drove to JE and family in Ann Arbor and we had dinner, and candle lighting, and some gifts. Grandson J was sick. We were pretty sure it was a reaction to vaccines and sedatives that he'd had that day, but we masked and distanced anyway. J was fine the next day, so we are confident that is what it was. In an odd way, this made it seem even more family, more like home. Daughter-in-law J cradling her son J's head, while I was masked and rubbing his feet wasn't the typical holiday, but it was family.

The next night's service, Friday Dec 15, had been intended to be led on Zoom by 88 year old Bob and me. Bob called the night before to say he wasn't up for it. We were able to hand off to the rabbi (who had been wanting that service anyway) and that freed me up to do more grading. The 16th and 17th I was grading, grading, grading.

Except on Saturday, when I took a break to drive to Hurley hospital to visit my friend KD who had broken her hip *replacement* inside her body. She was going to have a hip replacement-replacement in the next couple of days. 

On the way home from visiting her in the hospital, I stopped by my sister's house. Her son and daughter-in-law M & M were there and we visited and shared a dinner. That was a good visit. 

I came home and was talking with son J in Ann Arbor figuring out plans for getting my car in the shop and my dog to stay with J and family. We talked to Diane too and since it was agreed that we could leave later on Monday, we decided that J would drive to my house and we would take my car to the dealership and then Diane would pick me up from my house. J had to be at a computer by 9:00 am for a work meeting.

It worked out almost like that. 

J headed out but there was snow, traffic, and the highway was shut down. So I took the car in later, Diane picked me up from the dealership, and took me back to my house, where J had arrived and was on the computer with his meeting. We loaded up- later than Diane wanted- headed out. J kept working, then took my dog with him on his lunch break to Ann Arbor.

Diane and I had a long drive from Michigan to Tennessee. We had some snow and traffic in Cincinnati, but otherwise made good time. We stayed at our cousin's that night. We stopped for a drink at S & S palatial home, then on to cousin SL with her son KL. Stayed up late talking. Made ice cream drinks (Hummers). Diane was able to spend some individual time with our cousin. 

We spent most of the next day with our cousins. We left after lunch for the first of two legs of the trip to Alabama near the Gulf where my dad and his wife winter.  We arrived at lunch time Dec 20. My dad's birthday was on the 23rd, then Christmas Eve and today, Christmas Day.

Every place I go, I remember Ken. This is the trip we had been making for years- down south, stopping in Tennessee with my cousin- last year with both my Aunt B and Sherri, it was me and Ken- and now, my sister and I with my cousin and her son. My aunt died in April, Ken in September. 

I am ready to say goodbye to 2023. I'm sure there were good things that happened this year, but for me this year is stamped with loss and conflict.