It's getting harder, gifts, and a good day

 It's getting harder. 

The first few weeks and months after Ken died are a blur. I'm glad I wrote things down, and kept emails and texts, because my memory was/is unreliable. I was in denial, nothing was real, all was surreal. 

Those blurred months changed to months when I had so many tasks to accomplish that I kept moving and kept functioning. I hurt, but at the same time I still felt that numbness. Also, in a strange way, Ken was still so present in my life. 

I do not feel him so strongly now.

It's becoming more real now. 

************

The above was from April 14, 2024. It is now two weeks later and two weeks harder.

I don't know if I can keep doing this. It's too hard.

I'm trying to remember the gifts, and the good day, from this title. 

A friend wrote: I'm touching base because I know that you are approaching a tough couple of months of "firsts." 

I answered: We are not approaching a couple of rough months, we are in them for sure. April 5 was my wedding anniversary. April 23 started Passover, which has been a challenge for all of us. In a week and a half, it will be May 7, which would have been Ken's 75th birthday. May 12 is Mother's Day, June Father's Day, July my birthday and daughter CM's and grandchild E's, and then August- a month that Ken and I would have spent with daughter BI's family, August- the month of unveiling of his memorial stone, and then it will be September.

And then year 2.

The start of these particular rough months of firsts was early April.  I had a trip with my friend SR. She flew in from North Carolina to be with me on my first anniversary without my love. 

 We went to Holland, Michigan, just to be somewhere different. Pampered ourselves. Cried some, laughed some.

We went to a hotel with a hot tub and pool. We took turns taking each other out for delicious meals. We pampered ourselves with manicures, ice cream, wine flights. 

We laughed a little, wept a little, reminded each other that there is still love in the world. We went out to dinner with live music. We toasted to love and friendship and supporting each other as we find a way forward. 

When we got back, there was a gift from my Illinois kids. They had sent flowers- carnations- for my anniversary.

They had worried that the flowers would be damaged, as they were on my doorstep for a day and night before I arrived.

It (almost) always snows on my early April anniversary. It did this year.

The flowers, tight buds, were fine. Sheltered on my porch, and insulated in their cardboard box, they survived just fine.

As the days - and then weeks- went by, the tight buds opened and bloomed.

Maybe the good day was when SR and I toasted to friendship. Maybe the gift was the flowers. 

Remembering another gift of flowers, from Ken- and then from daughter CM and our friend KG. When I came home from Chicagoland August 31- it would be my last night spent sleeping with Ken- he had a bouquet of flowers waiting for me. The bouquet was there in my empty house the long week that we camped in motels near the hospital. The bouquet was joined by other flowers and plants after Ken died, after the funeral, after shiva.

After the funeral, CM and KG were thoughtful enough to dry those flowers, and preserve them in a frame.

Back to the current month: Once back from my trip with SR, and SR on her flight back to NC, I traveled with my son JE and family to Oregon, Ohio to see the total eclipse. Terrible hotel, wonderful to experience the totality.

Then I was prepping for an International Shabbat April 12, on Zoom in 8 different spoken languages plus ASL (different languages in different parts, except the Shema in all the languages).

A band concert for grandchild JD on April 16; a conversion ceremony for a friend on the 18th. Final classes, grading papers, grading finals.

Passover. It's still in Passover. Had the Congregational Seder Friday night- it was my FOURTH Seder, and I was essentially in charge, stressed, and Sedered-OUT.

Yesterday my nephew WH came over and did some yard work for me. I gave him our chest freezer in the fall, as he hunts deer and fishes and they needed it for their food storage. In exchange, he was going to do the yard work. He cleared out the weeds/ growth all around the perimeter of the house 8-12 inches- including taking down a number of bushes/ trees/ vines that were crowding the A/C unit and giving roadways for rodents to access the attic. 

Now I have to get motivated to put down weed-suppressing fabric, and stones, to keep it clear!

I am feeling guilty because I missed my friend CR's orchestra concert last night. I literally forgot until it was an hour past the start time. To be fair to me, I don't think WH had left by the start time, and - another wrinkle- I had a call from my dad that morning that his wife DH was in the hospital with appendicitis.

She had the surgery yesterday afternoon, and is recovering. I exchanged Wordles with her this morning. Her daughter RL flew in to hang with Dad and DH during recovery.

I still feel guilty that I didn't go to the concert- but I'm somewhat relieved that I forgot, because the last time I went to one of her concerts it was with Ken, and I also was all peopled-out yesterday. Today, too, to a certain extent.

I have completed grading for the one class I had at Third U- a win. Got to count them when I have them.

I currently have no idea if I have any teaching gigs in the future. At Third U, the professor that wanted to teach "my" class Fall 2023 "one more time" before retiring* is listed as teaching again for Fall 2024, and I am listed for "my" class at Third U Winter 2025- on campus. Since I expect to be traveling and/or moving, I have no interest in teaching on campus. I have an inquiry in to the Chair about what all this means, but have as yet received no response.

Byzantine U is another painful mystery. I was checking the Byzantine U site, and discovered that a Part Time Faculty with less seniority than I is listed as teaching one of "my" online courses Fall 2024. I should have been offered that class. I wrote to the chair (yes, the same one who said in November-ish, how are you doing? So sorry for your loss! BTW, you won't be teaching Winter 2024 due to tenured faculty...) and said to him, since my leave of absence ends April 30, is there a Spring class for me? A Fall class?

No response yet. 

I am conflicted about both. It may be time, I don't know, for me to stop teaching- but I would like that to have been my decision. I would have hoped to at least teach Fall 2024- for the $$ and also for the identity, the continuity, to finish out the year. If I have to fight for the classes, and / or bump other faculty, or if it's a hostile work environment, it is simply not worth it. Or at least I feel that way at the moment. I may fight the fight anyway, with the Union, for the sake of other union members. 

I don't know... I am so ambivalent, conflicted, frustrated.

I'm leading services- in person- this Friday night. *sigh* Hoping to line up others for the rest of May and most of June. 

Son AJ is coming in a week from Monday (May 6)  to be with me- and hopefully son JE- on Tuesday, Ken's birthday. We hope to go to a Mudhen's game. AJ will stay the week, and then we will travel to Kalamazoo for Mother's Day with JE and family, with BI and family, and AJ's love JP, joining us from Chicago land. JP will drive AJ home from our Kalamazoo visit. 

Daughter CM is bouncing around- sometimes in South Carolina, sometimes camping, sometimes volunteering. Homeless, like me. I have a house, but no home.

I am worried about losing connections with my friends, with my family. I see JE usually once a week, when I go in on Mondays for grandchild LC- we talk some, but he is hurting but not communicating about many of the questions that I have. Daughter BI texts pix of the kids, but I haven't really had calls or Zooms. AJ calls once a week, determined to check in. CM sometimes texts, and we call about once a week- we are both hurting. 

We are all so protective of each other, trying not to impose our pain on each other. We have yet to grieve all together, in one place, since September. Thanksgiving, JE missed due to Covid. In March, Spring break, JE and kids came to Chicagoland but CM was in Guatemala.

Another friend texted: Hope you are letting your support in... so many are here for you.

I know this is true, but though many want to help it is not necessarily in the ways that I need help. The friend who texted would like me to come to stay in her cottage by the beach. She, and many others, would like to spend time with me and offer emotional support. I do need that, yes, but I also need help in boxing up clothes and dishes, and help with deciding what to ditch, donate, repurpose, hold on to. I need help figuring out what happens next.

I am also struggling because I don't know where I will live. Not here, not for much longer. BI and JE have each said I can live with them- but I still feel a need for autonomy.  I can't afford my own place in near either of their more affluent communities. My temple community is near me, not too far to move, and not too expensive- but the temple is diminishing as many of the members are moving to be closer to grandkids or for retirement communities.

I'm a mess. My house is a mess. I am struggling, and some days I just don't know WHY I should keep struggling. It is all so much effort, it is so hard, and there seems to be little purpose for it. 

I am having trouble looking forward.

I am having trouble finding a good reason to look forward.

It's getting harder.

*************

 

* You may remember the professor taking back the Third U class Fall 2023 ended up as a blessing in disguise, as that happened before Ken went into the hospital, and I had therefore only the two Byzantine U classes- asynchronous and online. The asynchronous online classes have been a great boon to my mental health, grounding me with tasks and deadlines- although, of course, not without their stresses.

Holiday in the season of sorrow

While Christmas is not my holiday, it is for many that I love. This entire season is triggering on many levels since Ken died.

Thanksgiving was hugely challenging. The kids and I planned to gather in Chicagoland in homes and hotels. We knew it would be tough. We worked hard to make choices that would make it easier on all of us: only cooking or baking the foods we really wanted to make, and ordering pre-cooked items for the rest; a more relaxed timeline; easy games with the grandkids. 

My son J and his family in Ann Arbor tested positive for Covid the morning of the day that they were to leave to join us in Chicagoland. 

Hard missing Ken, and then hard missing our son/brother and family to grieve together, to play together with grandkids/cousins. 

We made it through with full hearts, full bellies. We literally cried in our beer. We had some breakdowns and some build ups. We came out the other side.

Since then, there has been  a trip for me to North Carolina to visit my friend SJR and Chanukah. 

The trip to North Carolina was great. Walking every day, sharing our losses- the good memories and the hard memories- laughing some, weeping some. Cherishing each other. We've been friends for more than 50 years. There is a special ease in sitting with someone who knows your history. 

Chanukah was tough. Emails and calls with the out-of-town kids. CMK and KG were staying with me- mostly. JE and family came up from Ann Arbor for the first night on Thursday and we were together, with grandkids and that eased me a bit. Friday, the second night, was at my temple, with dinner and Shabbat service, which was lovely.  I felt the shared community.

The next night was a gathering- a Chanukah party at the rabbi's house. Attending that, in retrospect, was a huge mistake. I felt isolated and set apart from my community. Not feeling any party vibe. Feeling alone in a room of couples- and those who are solo for a long time. I sneaked out early.

CMK and KG left Sunday morning. That night was hard, lighting Chanukah candles in the darkness all alone for the first time in my life.

I muddled through the rest of the week- met with my sister once, went to grandson J's band concert, lots of grading of my students' papers and projects as they made a mad dash to somehow pass the class. 

On Thursday, the last night, I drove to JE and family in Ann Arbor and we had dinner, and candle lighting, and some gifts. Grandson J was sick. We were pretty sure it was a reaction to vaccines and sedatives that he'd had that day, but we masked and distanced anyway. J was fine the next day, so we are confident that is what it was. In an odd way, this made it seem even more family, more like home. Daughter-in-law J cradling her son J's head, while I was masked and rubbing his feet wasn't the typical holiday, but it was family.

The next night's service, Friday Dec 15, had been intended to be led on Zoom by 88 year old Bob and me. Bob called the night before to say he wasn't up for it. We were able to hand off to the rabbi (who had been wanting that service anyway) and that freed me up to do more grading. The 16th and 17th I was grading, grading, grading.

Except on Saturday, when I took a break to drive to Hurley hospital to visit my friend KD who had broken her hip *replacement* inside her body. She was going to have a hip replacement-replacement in the next couple of days. 

On the way home from visiting her in the hospital, I stopped by my sister's house. Her son and daughter-in-law M & M were there and we visited and shared a dinner. That was a good visit. 

I came home and was talking with son J in Ann Arbor figuring out plans for getting my car in the shop and my dog to stay with J and family. We talked to Diane too and since it was agreed that we could leave later on Monday, we decided that J would drive to my house and we would take my car to the dealership and then Diane would pick me up from my house. J had to be at a computer by 9:00 am for a work meeting.

It worked out almost like that. 

J headed out but there was snow, traffic, and the highway was shut down. So I took the car in later, Diane picked me up from the dealership, and took me back to my house, where J had arrived and was on the computer with his meeting. We loaded up- later than Diane wanted- headed out. J kept working, then took my dog with him on his lunch break to Ann Arbor.

Diane and I had a long drive from Michigan to Tennessee. We had some snow and traffic in Cincinnati, but otherwise made good time. We stayed at our cousin's that night. We stopped for a drink at S & S palatial home, then on to cousin SL with her son KL. Stayed up late talking. Made ice cream drinks (Hummers). Diane was able to spend some individual time with our cousin. 

We spent most of the next day with our cousins. We left after lunch for the first of two legs of the trip to Alabama near the Gulf where my dad and his wife winter.  We arrived at lunch time Dec 20. My dad's birthday was on the 23rd, then Christmas Eve and today, Christmas Day.

Every place I go, I remember Ken. This is the trip we had been making for years- down south, stopping in Tennessee with my cousin- last year with both my Aunt B and Sherri, it was me and Ken- and now, my sister and I with my cousin and her son. My aunt died in April, Ken in September. 

I am ready to say goodbye to 2023. I'm sure there were good things that happened this year, but for me this year is stamped with loss and conflict. 

You have been invited...

 I received the email reminder that I sent myself:

“You have been invited to an event: Take Out the Trash…”

I am invited to this event weekly. I need the reminder, because it just doesn’t stick in my brain. 

I’ve been able to turn off the reminders to feed my dog daily in the morning, but I still have a daily reminder in the evening to feed her. 

Time doesn’t make sense to me right now. 

I just sent an email to the university -not Byzantine U, we’ll call this 3rd U, since it is the third university at which I have taught with some regularity- to 3rd U that I will not be available to teach the class that I had been asked to teach this winter. It is a synchronous class, meaning I have to be in an internet-active place at a certain time for two hours every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon. I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth for that time commitment. 

Time doesn’t make sense to me right now.

I have commitments that are important to me in my family, and in my faith-and-friend community, and I am barely holding it together there. 

I just vacuumed the living room for the first time in at least a month. 

I just started a load of laundry for the first time in at least two weeks.

I am struggling to assist my struggling (asynchronous) students. We will get through the semester somehow.

Thanksgiving is next week. It feels like the first major holiday since Ken died- although it isn’t. We had Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Simchat Torah— but Rosh Hashanah was just days after Ken was buried and that entire month is a blur of pain and loss and forgetfulness.

I’ve started therapy. The jury’s still out, but at least I am setting aside an hour a week to focus on my journey.

Spring forward

I've been struggling with my demons again. Feel like I've lost my way. I will get back to posting. I have plenty going on in my head, and I need to get it out.

I haven't posted since last year. In that time:

*December 31: My furnace died the day my mom came home from the hospital to live with us- the day the cold snap really started. Happy New Year! Happy Space Heaters!

* Our New Year's present to ourselves: New furnace.

* My mom moved in with us with her two dogs. We are now a family of 3 and host a dog pack of 4.

* I started teaching a second semester of two classes at Byzantine U. Still adjunct- over worked and underpaid. Loving the students and hating the commute.

* My brother-in-law lost his battle with multiple myeloma. He died on February 13, and I, along with the rest of my family, am providing what support I may to my sister and her sons.

* I have been writing my morning pages faithfully since December 19. Perhaps this blog is moving on with those efforts.

That's some of what's been going on. I am sure I'm forgetting some things; I know that I am deliberately omitting/suppressing other struggles that are ongoing.

I'm planning to get right on writing Varsity Shakespeare: the Play Book for Bard Games and Timeless to Timely. I am. Right after I grade these 20-some midterms and read 18,000+ words of blogs from my students in the other class.

and the world goes on

how is it that the world goes on when it feels like the world has fallen apart?

Other people go for walks, buy coffee, make plans--

When all the world seems on hold for me-- while I seek some means of leveraging us off this spot-- this focus on pain--

I need a really long lever--

and God give me someplace to stand.

darkness

I have been here before.

I know this place too well.

The days are long here, and the nights are longer still.

Nothing has value; shades of gray with no contrast.

No light.

The geography is too familiar-- the terrain rough in its eternal sameness.

How is it that I find my way here so easily-- and cannot find the way out.

warning signs

http://www.healthyminds.org/cmhdepression.cfm

How do I know if I have major depression?
The symptoms of depression include:

• persistently sad, anxious, irritable, empty mood
• loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
• trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
• significant appetite and/or weight changes
• difficulty thinking, concentrating, remembering, making decisions
• feeling tired, rundown, loss of energy
• feeling restless, agitated or physical slowing
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, hopelessness, helplessness, emptiness
• persistent physical symptoms such as a headaches, digestive problems, chronic pain that do not respond to routine treatment
• recurrent thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts

Not everyone with depression experiences every symptom. The number and severity of symptoms vary among individuals and over time.