1. Navigating my grief

 Today, September 27 2023, marks 18 days since he died. My partner, my soul mate, my beloved, my lover, my friend, my counselor, my companion. 

In Jewish tradition, 18 is a significant number. It means "life"- each letter in the Hebrew aleph-bet is also a number. The word for life, "chai," uses the letters *chet* (8) and *yud* (10)- 18. Life.

Eighteen days without the life that was twined with mine. A lifetime of loss. Only a moment- he was just here. He was fine. He was gone.

I am navigating life without my partner, my teammate, my soul mate and I am truly lost, lost, lost.

I need to find a way to chart my path. I need to see where I have been and where I am and where I hope to go.

I will try, beginning now, to write it down. To check in with myself.

I am still reeling in denial and shock. People say "You are so strong!" and I am, it is true, but that is not what this is. This is taking one careful step at a time, trying to move forward in a fog. I cannot believe what has happened, I reject it utterly, and so my body/mind/soul has wrapped me in fog and cotton batting and and drawn the curtain on what is real. Later, whispers my soul, we will look there later.

I am afraid of later. 

I can feel my grief rolling under my skin, prodding at my heart, sucking at my lungs, twisting around my guts. 

Waiting.