5778: On the fourth night...

On the fourth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

The fourth night of Chanukah- the half-way point. That was last night, so today is the fourth day of Chanukah*.

What not-to-buy on the fourth night of Chanukah?

Oh, this is hard. Harder than night three...

Let me drink on it. 

What am I drinking? Not beer, for the hard stuff. But the hard stuff for the hard stuff- hard liquor. So on the fourth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you:

This is an ice cube tray that encourages you to get hammered.


According to the label, you can use the handle to stir your drink.

Really.

Now, I am far from the handiest lass in Chanukah-ville, but even I know that you don't hold the hammer by the hammer end. You HANDle it by the HANDle, hence the NAME.

So, you can't touch this**.

I'm not buying this for you. Reasons:

1. Although one may MARVEL at the ingenuity and the audacity of  an icy hammer that encourages you to get hammered, nonetheless I know that you will be deeply disappointed to learn that the hammer has no connection to Asgard***. So there's that.

2. This is inappropriate to the holiday. Chanukah is festive, but you are supposed to over-eat, not over-drink. Over-drinking is Purim (I'll catch up with you on 14 Adar- I mean, February 28).

3. Having previously not-bought you Balls of Steel, I trust that your libations are already chill.


Also not buying you this:

Because it's mislabeled. It's encouraging you to "pound" your drinks, but the ice cubes are clearly hashtags. Duh. #soobvious. #holidaydrinking. #hashtags.

* Because that's how we do the Jewish calendar thing: We START when the sun goes down. Yes we do.

*You knew it was coming. Na-na-na-Na, na-na, na-na

** I know my audience. Yeah.