On the third/fourth/fifth/sixth night of Chanukah I did not buy for you...

 

This year Chanukah is early** but I am late.

Sorry, it happens.

I got off to a great start! Unfortunately, life has been... chaotic, I suppose? After night #2, as they say, sh*t happens.

While every night I lit the candles and thought of you, dear SIL and Dear Reader, I have not been able to not-give you the gifts that I did manage to not-buy for you. 

So LOTS tonight!

Since we were handling a lot of #2 on night #2, it's time to wash our hands. So on night #3, I am not buying you soap. Not just any soap, but soap that goes along with the gardening theme (sort of) from the previous night.

 

 

 

This is Corn Soap. It not only looks like corn, it not only feels like corn, it also smells like corn. Or, so says the promotional copy.

Does it clean like corn, though? 

I guess we may never know, for two reasons: 

#1 I'm not buying it for you.

#2 I have not previously cleaned with corn, so I have no basis for comparison.

I have never understood why these are called ears of corn. Not necessarily the body part I would have thought of first. In fact, I wonder if "ears" of corn might be featured in the gift that I'm not-buying you for night #4:

 

 

 

This calendar is beautiful, as so many of these pictures-of-nature calendars are. I'm not-buying you this calendar. Yes, it's timely. Yes, it is (apparently) all natural in its beauty. However, I'm not sure I'm into Nature au naturel. Or au naturelle-- something is just wrong about Mother Nature's dick pics. 

Or maybe not. If anyone is non-binary, I'm guessing it's Nature.

 

For night #5, I am not giving you this:

 

 

 

Can you guess what this is? I bet you can't. Okay, I'll tell you. This continues the themes already introduced of gardening, dicks-that-aren't-dicks, and things I am DEFINITELY not buying you for Chanukah. 

This is a yodeling pickle. 

The ad copy for this reads:

• Hours of mindless entertainment
• Batteries included
• Great gift for the person who has everything except a yodeling pickle

 

While I feel certain you don't already have a yodeling pickle, I am also confident that you don't have everything (yet), so this gift is not perfect for you. While "batteries included" is quite the enticement, I also feel certain that you are not mindless, and therefore this entertainment would be wasted on you. 

Or maybe  not. I could be wrong about that last bit.

 

Which brings us to night #6. Tonight. ALL CAUGHT UP! (with my not-gift giving, if nothing else.)

Continuing with the shape of things to come:

I give you:

 

This is Accountability Banana. It is an actual thing, but it is not an actual banana.

The ad copy promises that this guy will "keep an eye on you while you are working at home."

He can perch on your work station! On your liquor cabinet! 

I'm not buying Accountability Banana for you. This has no aPEEL. 

(You knew I was going to say it.)

If you need accountability, grab a potato. 

It will keep an eye on you.

 

** Actually, Chanukah is not early this year. It once again arrived on the 25th of Kislev. KISLEV was early on the Gregorian calendar this year. Or maybe Greg was late. You decide. 

* A single asterisk stands for the letter "i"- still.

On the second night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Welcome to the second day of Chanukah! 

Last night we lit the second candle. 

Candle number 2.

Number 2 is something of a tradition.

In the first year of not-giving, on day #2, it was underwear in a T.P. can.

In the following years, we enjoyed not-buying a variety of items:

woodsy T.P.

 fart filters and mitten butt wipes

reindeer pooping chocolate raisins..

Notice a trend?

What number two themed gift could I not-buy for you this year?

Well...

I noticed that you have been gardening. Not now, during Kislev, but earlier in Elul (you know, August). You were hefting some major mulch as you worked. 

You know what is even better for a garden?

Sh*t.

Manure, actually. It's all natural! It's building the soil! Improving your garden!

Goes** with our theme.

 There's slow release compost poop.

 

 

There's spiritually uplifting compost cow poop. This is called Wholly Cow.

 There is mildly insulting compost poop***.

 

 

You can let your doggie doo doo do it.

Or you can even do it yourself.

With all these options, and all these benefits, why wouldn't I buy this for you?

Simple, really.

I don't want to give you sh*t.

No sh*t.

Have a wonderful day Number Two of Chanukah! Hope everything comes out okay!
 

* the single asterisk stands for the letter "i"

** "Goes" - get it? Gotta GO...

*** Because it's chicken sh*t

On the first night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you (5782 edition)

 It is that time once again! Chanukah begins tonight*! 

Even though it has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year** in so many ways, there are always moments to lift us up and light our way.

Chanukah, the festival of lights, should bring light into our lives. So to you, dear SIL***, and you, dear readers, I once again will not buy for you at least eight gifts for Chanukah.

 Beginning with this:

This is a gift (that I'm not buying) of Fitness Dice. It takes the WORK out of your WORK OUT.

You roll 6 of the dice to find out how you'll be working out. Then you roll out the 7th to see how many reps**** you will do.

Why would I not buy this for you? I know that you work out. I know that in this pandemic year, you haven't been able to go to the gym. So, why not Fitness Dice?

Basically three reasons:

1. Misleading advertising. Takes the "work out of working out." Quite honestly, choosing what exercises to do is the very LEAST of the WORK in a workout*****. 

2. Dice is one thing  - well actually, DICE is PLURAL things, and that 7th one is a DIE. I will not offer you to die, even if it is a mere homophone.******

3. Finally, you are rolling the dice, which is gambling. You should not gamble with your health.

So, stop begging, it's no dice.

* Did you know that Chanukah ALWAYS starts on the 25th? It's true. The 25th of Kislev. Not December.

** Such a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year that I did consider moving to Australia. Except their borders were closed. Also, apologies to Judith Viorst.

*** This tradition began in Kislev of 5773 (that would be December of 2012) when my now S-I-L (Son-in-law) was my DDSO (Dear Daughter's Significant Other).  This gift has kept on giving.

**** "Reps" = "repetition of the exercise". I looked it up. You're welcome.

***** Seriously, choosing the exercise is work? Just THINKING about the exercising is such work for me that I'm considering not-not buying (I mean, buying!) this nice Nap Anywhere pillow - for myself!

 

 

I can nap anywhere, and almost any time. It's a gift. I try not to brag.

 

****** I am not homophonic. I swear.

 

Write it all down

 I'm better when I'm journaling. If I could go back and give young me some advice, it would be WRITE IT ALL DOWN. 

There is so much I have forgotten. If I had written it down, I could look it up. Maybe. If I indexed my writings.

Now as we are well into the second year of the Covid-19 Pandemic, I admire those who have been chronicling their experiences. Black Girl in Maine is one I particularly admire. 

I am aiming to write more in the coming days/weeks/months. Know that as I write, the Pandemic is the background. Sometimes referenced, sometimes not, it is still there- for me.

For some it's OVER. For some IT NEVER WAS or IT WAS NO BIG DEAL.

For me, it is still impacting me daily. For myself, I'm fine. I am fully immunized. However, because I have a mom in treatment for cancer, and grandchildren too young to be vaccinated, and because so many have delayed / refused vaccination there are now variants of the virus surging so the plague is not over. Not for me, anyway.

Samuel Pepys was my original inspiration for writing down my thoughts on everyday life. He lived through a plague as well. Here is a link to a site with Pepys' diary. The plague is referenced in some of the entries from 1665.

Coffee tasting: First shipment plus second shipment!

My kids know me- and my beloved- we're being supplied with caffeine as we continue to camp out.

#1 daughter and his family had us shipped BIG tin of coffee-- and tin of buttery cookies to go with*.

#1 son and his family sent us a coffee subscription, the first shipment arriving after we'd finished the big tin :-) Grandchildren created deep mugs for us to use to enjoy!

Here are my first impressions of the coffee roast of the month:

 January 29th- still the first month!

Lazy Bird

Top notes: Candy, Black Cherry, Pear

Process: Honey

Whole bean ground just before brewing.

Prepared in stove-top percolator. 

Color: Dark amber

Fragrance: Rich, dark

Flavor: Smooth, light, hint of sweetness.

February 20: Second shipment arrives

I had the coffee pose for picture with stove-top percolator in the background, as well as the decorated mugs from the grandkids!

Frog girl 

Top notes: Honey, pomegranate, praline

Process: Bourbon

Whole bean ground just before brewing.

Prepared in stove-top percolator. 

Color: Dark amber

Fragrance: Smokey, dark

Flavor:The process must have more to the flavor (for me) than the top notes; this was deeper, more smokey. Delicious!

More as the flavors arrive!