On the third/fourth/fifth/sixth night of Chanukah I did not buy for you...

 

This year Chanukah is early** but I am late.

Sorry, it happens.

I got off to a great start! Unfortunately, life has been... chaotic, I suppose? After night #2, as they say, sh*t happens.

While every night I lit the candles and thought of you, dear SIL and Dear Reader, I have not been able to not-give you the gifts that I did manage to not-buy for you. 

So LOTS tonight!

Since we were handling a lot of #2 on night #2, it's time to wash our hands. So on night #3, I am not buying you soap. Not just any soap, but soap that goes along with the gardening theme (sort of) from the previous night.

 

 

 

This is Corn Soap. It not only looks like corn, it not only feels like corn, it also smells like corn. Or, so says the promotional copy.

Does it clean like corn, though? 

I guess we may never know, for two reasons: 

#1 I'm not buying it for you.

#2 I have not previously cleaned with corn, so I have no basis for comparison.

I have never understood why these are called ears of corn. Not necessarily the body part I would have thought of first. In fact, I wonder if "ears" of corn might be featured in the gift that I'm not-buying you for night #4:

 

 

 

This calendar is beautiful, as so many of these pictures-of-nature calendars are. I'm not-buying you this calendar. Yes, it's timely. Yes, it is (apparently) all natural in its beauty. However, I'm not sure I'm into Nature au naturel. Or au naturelle-- something is just wrong about Mother Nature's dick pics. 

Or maybe not. If anyone is non-binary, I'm guessing it's Nature.

 

For night #5, I am not giving you this:

 

 

 

Can you guess what this is? I bet you can't. Okay, I'll tell you. This continues the themes already introduced of gardening, dicks-that-aren't-dicks, and things I am DEFINITELY not buying you for Chanukah. 

This is a yodeling pickle. 

The ad copy for this reads:

• Hours of mindless entertainment
• Batteries included
• Great gift for the person who has everything except a yodeling pickle

 

While I feel certain you don't already have a yodeling pickle, I am also confident that you don't have everything (yet), so this gift is not perfect for you. While "batteries included" is quite the enticement, I also feel certain that you are not mindless, and therefore this entertainment would be wasted on you. 

Or maybe  not. I could be wrong about that last bit.

 

Which brings us to night #6. Tonight. ALL CAUGHT UP! (with my not-gift giving, if nothing else.)

Continuing with the shape of things to come:

I give you:

 

This is Accountability Banana. It is an actual thing, but it is not an actual banana.

The ad copy promises that this guy will "keep an eye on you while you are working at home."

He can perch on your work station! On your liquor cabinet! 

I'm not buying Accountability Banana for you. This has no aPEEL. 

(You knew I was going to say it.)

If you need accountability, grab a potato. 

It will keep an eye on you.

 

** Actually, Chanukah is not early this year. It once again arrived on the 25th of Kislev. KISLEV was early on the Gregorian calendar this year. Or maybe Greg was late. You decide. 

* A single asterisk stands for the letter "i"- still.