On the eighth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 This is it! The last night of Chanukah- all eight candles, plus the helper shamash candle, have been lit.

Perhaps the most beautiful night of all.

And my last opportunity in 5785 to not buy you a Chanukah gift. 

So before I go, for when you gotta go, I did not buy for you:

This is the crap-strap so that you can poop in the woods with ease. 

It zips into itself so it's discreet and also holds POOP  BAGS! So you can clean up after yourself just like you do for your pooch!

Crap (Krap) Strap zipped and with supplies

Why did I not buy this for you? And why did I not not-buy it on night Number Two?

Reason Number One, it's winter. I don't think you're the hiking, hunting, camping-in-the-woods in January kind of guy. I could be wrong. Feel free to correct me if I am.

Number Two (heh heh), I wanted something special for the end of Chanukah. Something special to bring up the rear.

And this is designed to bring up your rear.

Rear view of rear

On the seventh night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 It's the penultimate day of Chanukah! As I've mentioned before, Chanukah, like most Jewish holidays, begins at sundown and lasts until sundown of the next day. So last night was the seventh night of Chanukah, and today is the seventh day. 

What didn't I buy you for the seventh night?

This year, the colliding overlapping holidays meant that the seventh night of Chanukah was also New Year's Eve. 

The New Year is a traditional time for making resolutions, setting goals.

Here is something I did not buy for myself, which I am happy to not buy for you as well:

Just in case you are stuck for a resolution or goals for the new year, here is a handy list of multiple suggestions for the various areas of your life!

For you, specifically, for this year, specifically, I did not buy this motivational refrigerator magnet for a great new year's resolution.

You're welcome.

ONE MORE CRAZY NIGHT!

On the sixth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 I may have fallen just a bit behind on my posts. So many overlapping holidays this year, and travels, and shopping, and not-buying... you understand.

Almost all holidays have traditional foods associated with them, and Chanukah is no exception. Remembering the miracle of the oil and light, it is traditional to eat foods fried in oil. Latkes, for instance, are a favorite of the season, as are sufganiyot, jelly donuts fried in oil.

YUM!

I didn't buy you latkes- if you and I were in the same location, I would absolutely make you latkes. But alas, many miles separate us.

However, it's not latkes that I didn't buy you on the sixth night of Chanukah. Instead, I didn't buy you these:

Possum flavored candy canes

These are possum flavored candy canes. Lest you fear that I did not buy you these because of their association with the other holiday in December, rest assured that it is not so. I could have bought you, but I also did not buy you, these:

These possum flavored candies, individually wrapped, are not candy canes. They are just candy.

Possum flavored candy. Sweet gray and pink striped possum flavored candy.

I have not tried this candy, so I don't know if they truly taste like possum, although to be honest, I've never tried possum either, so I wouldn't be a very good judge.

The ad copy says, though, that the candy does taste like everyone's favorite marsupial. "Garbage fed, gourmet taste!" Also from the ad: "Some describe the flavor as being like pork, but with notes of piquant swill."

Piquant swill. Flavor like pork.

Inappropriate for a Jewish holiday, I say.

Although the ad also says that it's artificial possum flavoring, if that helps. Wondering why the artificial flavoring, with so much available source material along the roadways...

On the fifth night of Chanukah I did not buy for you...

 It's night five! The fifth!

There is also a tradition for the fifth night... something involving a fifth... or ways to imbibe from a fifth...

So on the fifth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Violin decanter for a spirited fifth

This lovely decanter is just the thing for your fifth of whiskey, or bourbon,  or other fine spirits. 

I'm not buying this for you, on the fifth night, for the following reasons (take note):

The violin holds 1000 milliliters. A fifth is 750 milliliters. When you pour in your fifth, it looks like you got shorted. Is the violin 3/4 full or 1/4 empty? Or is it in 3/4 time?

The decanter is described as elegant, like a proper violin. Somehow, fine bourbon or whiskey puts me more in mind of a lively fiddle than an elegant violin- but, poe-TAY-toe, poe-TAH-toe, amiright?

After describing the fine craftsmanship and elegance of the decanter, the add goes on to say "its tuning peg functions as a leak-tight cap that you can remove to pour yourself a drink or chug straight from the glass violin." 

Chugging? From your violin's NECK? 

Even though this decanter is described as perfect for your friends who love music and drinking, and I know you love music and drinking, I'm not buying it.

If you still want to try a spirited fifth with the violin, don't fret- try this instead:

Mozart's Violin Concerto No. 5

No strings attached.

On the fourth night of Chanukah I did not buy for you...

 Fourth night- the midway point!

On the fourth night of Chanukah I did not buy for you:

These are a full dozen itty bitty rubber chickens. A dozen! Just like you buy EGGS!

I'm a fan of rubber chickens, actually. They are funny. I have one in my basement right now.

Everyone should have a rubber chicken!

So why wouldn't I buy this for you?

I'm sure there are many reasons, but basically it boils down to the fact that these biddies are itty bitty. 

Teeny tiny itty bitty biddies. If you had one in your pocket, you could reach for your keys and accidentally choke the chicken!

Let's face it, for these particular peckers, size matters.

If you think that is fowl, you are correct.

On the third night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 Happy Chanukah! Welcome to night three!

On the third night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you:

Grow a boyfriend. Also available in Grow a Girlfriend.

Behold! If you are stuck for a date (or a companion) you can grow your own.

Seriously, the DIY movement and Grow Your Own movement are both in full swing. 

Why not Create Your Own Companion? Grows up to 6 times its original size! Just add water- classic easy recipe!

WHY NOT?

Well there are a few reasons.

1. First of all, and I do hate to be picky about this, but grammar matters. This packaging reads "it's" when it should read "its" and this is simply not acceptable. I am an educator, after all.

2. I know you have lots of companions, as well as your own wonderful partner (after all, you are my DSIL*). You are never without a companion when you want one- and if you happened to be without a companion, I know you are great at making friends. Note: you make friends, and grow friendships. You are already great at this!

3. Finally, you and I both know that growing your own companion can go horribly wrong. And if you, dear reader, do not know this, you should immediately buy this book**!

Click this link to order!

See you tomorrow night!

*Dear Son in Law- to whom this blog was first dedicated in 2012 and to whom it is still addressed

** This is not shameless self-promotion. While I admit that in this promotion I have no shame, I am not promoting my own work. I am promoting my daughter's work. 

On the second night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

Welcome to the second night of Chanukah! Night Number TWO! Night number two has traditionally been themed in this recurring blog series around... Number Two. 

In keeping with tradition, I am not buying you this:

This toilet tissue is ULTRA STRONG, so it should stand up to your crappiest day. 

It's apparently the Meijer* store brand, so it's economical**.

It's SIX double rolls - equal to TWELVE regular rolls***!

Best of all, it is THC infused to calm your ass down. Instead of rolling papers, it's rolls of paper.

So why not buy it?

1. It's a store brand. When I don't-buy for you, I don't-buy the top of the line!

2. I'm not saying you need to calm your ass down. You make that assessment yourself.

3. I may need to calm my own ass down. I may keep this.

4. That is, if I can find it. The truth is, I have not seen this product at my local Meijer store. I strongly suspect some AI is having some fun with us. I need to go to the "library" to get to the "bottom" of this. Although, this product from the Brits seems legit- but is out of stock (and also out of THC- just CBD, just saying)-

So- on night number two, clean up, calm down, light up...

YOUR MENORAH! Light up your MENORAH!

* Do you even have Meijer in your neck of the woods? Is it just a Michigan thing?

** Since this is a store brand- which is usually the equivalent of generic, right?- what is the national brand? Why have I not heard of this before?

*** Except - are there even regular rolls anymore? I feel like all I see on shelves are double rolls.