5786/2025 On the eighth night of Chanukah, I did not give to you...

The Eighth Night

The last night has passed* and I have as yet to not-give you what I have not-bought for you.

It's this: 

Total Cluster Fudge Candy Store

Your very own candy store, a Total Cluster Fudge. A conflicted confectionery. Where you could be half-baked- or not.

After all, this year- hell, the last [insert your number here] years- have often seemed like a total cluster fudge. Lots of nuts. Sometimes salty.

Sometimes messy.

Sometimes dark.

But.

When we keep smiling, keep bringing love, keep moving toward the light- we can find the sweetness in this year, and in this life.

So why wouldn't I buy you this Total Cluster Fudge?

It wasn't for sale.

Wishing you sweetness, even when nutty, messy, and sometimes dark.

*This year, the last night of Chanukah was Dec 21- which also happened to be the winter solstice. More light is on its way!

5786/2025 On the seventh night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 Chanukah is the Festival of Lights, so it is only appropriate that I not-give you some light-themed gifts. I have in the past given you a light-bulb flashlight, and light sabers that will feed your sci fi fantasy.

On the seventh night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you:

oops! Left the price on...

The Festival of Lights deserves some gifts of light! While I fancy these posts themselves both light hearted and enlightening, I am surprised that I have not given you light-themed gifts more often!

I know you bike- or scoot- and sometimes the darkness does sneak up on us*. 

Why not light up the wheels while they're spinning? Surely this will spoke some fun at our biker friends!

Well...

First of all, there are too many choices! I saw the above-pictured not-gift at the end cap of a grocery store ** and I thought, okay, some failed attempt at merchandise that got shipped off to end-cap end-of-days! But no! 

While researching (gotta love that ad copy), I found a plethora of wheel lights varietals! Disco wheel lights! Waterproof! Rechargeable! For Boys Girls Women Men...

Which led me to this ad copy:

Essential Burning Man Gear. WheelBrightz lights ensure you shine on the playa, making your bike both a beacon of safety and a piece of moving art. Perfect for Burning Man, these lights help you stand out in the vast desert landscape

This led me down another rabbit hole, wherein I found the true reason not to give you this for Chanukah:

While Chanukah is near the Winter Solstice, Burning Man is around Summer Solstice. 

Both involve gifting, so I really should not-give you this around Summer Solstice.

One more night!

* "darkness does sneak up on us..." Dang. I didn't mean to get philosophical this time. 

** I keep meaning to do another blog series: Not-groceries at the grocery store.  A fine entry here.

5786/2025 On the sixth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 As with many festive holidays, families gather to celebrate with food and fun.

Games are a favorite way to spend the winter evening after a delightful latke dinner.

In honor of this time honored tradition, on the sixth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you:

Game: It's Bananas

Consider this ad copy: 

AS SEEN ON TIK-TOK | 250 MILLION VIRAL VIEWS: It’s Bananas is the viral, award-winning party game that will have your friends and family howling from your first monkey thrust to your last backward squat. 

They even mention the hilarity enjoyed by Ryan Seacrest and Vanessa Lachey enjoying the game on Live with Kelly and Ryan.

Not only that, this game is 100% carbon neutral! It is sustainable!*

Eco-friendly!

Action photo with banana (tokens).

Our family loves games! YOU love games! I love games!

Why WOULDN'T I buy you this game?

Actual photos of players of game. **

I have a few objections to this game. 

- It requires subtitles. "The monkey tail game"- Okay, is it bananas or monkey tails? 

- For 2 or more players, but only 2 tails, belts etc. Not enough tail to go around...

- Family fun? Really? I don't consider myself a prude but I pause at considering "monkey thrusts," "Strap on," and "tail" as great game goals for six year olds.

- The game lies. It boldly claims: It's Bananas! but there are no bananas. Not even plastic bananas***. There are only banana tokens. What self-respecting monkey would work their tail off for a token?

- Viral? I'm sorry, that word triggers me these days.

- Honestly, I don't think it's a game. I think it is a sinister plot to get me to exercise by pretending to be a game. Backward squats? I don't think so. My center of gravity forbids it.

Happy Hanukkah!

*Sustainable? That energy level is not sustainable! Maybe for the 4 or 5 year olds in the group!

** Or AI images. I cannot tell. Maybe you can.

*** Although, plastic bananas might make it even LESS family appropriate...

2025/5786 On the fifth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you....

The fifth night of Chanukah has its own traditions as well. Consider last year's mellifluous fifth. Or that year that when I took a shot at a not-gift. Or the diminished or demolished fifths of 5781.

In keeping with this spirited tradition, this year on the fifth night of Chanukah, I am not giving you this:

T

his whiskey-tasting kit might be just the thing for your fifth night! It has whiskey tasting glasses! Whiskey stones*! Velvet bag**! A 32 page whiskey tasting guide! Your own whiskey tasting journal!!

And I know you taste whiskey from time to time. I have tasted and toasted with you on more than one occasion.

WHY OH WHY would I not buy this for you!?

Because this kit is missing one critical ingredient:

WHISKEY.

So, this kit remains a gift that I did not buy for you.

*What oh what are whiskey stones?***

**A velvet bag for your stones, perhaps?

*** Apparently, whiskey stones are supposed to chill your whiskey without watering it down. Much like balls of steel, which I did not buy for you in 2015.

2025/5786 On the fourth night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 After Night Number 2 messing about with dirty doggy doo-doo, and Night Number 3 considering poop logs before waxing philosophical, perhaps it's time to clean up our act. So, for Night Number 4, I did not buy for you:

Notice that this soap not-gift that I will not-give you picks up on the Naughty/Nice dichotomy of our previous night's philosophical offering, provides an opportunity to clean up from any messy Number 2, and provides fresh philosophical fodder. 

How, you ask?

WELL!

It begins with the binary: Naughty/Nice

Then it proceeds to FOUR soaps for ALL types of men*.

Is 4 breaking the binary? Or is it binary squared?

Do all men need four types of soap? OR are there just four types of men?

To explore these questions further, let us examine the back of the box:

Four soaps- each presenting another pair of opposing concepts! "Mountainside jaunt" vs. "parking ramp in Philly"- "lake up north" vs. "retention pond in Jacksonville." 

This soap takes sides, definitively. It embraces a properly aged oak cask, and looks down on the "something" in a brown paper bag. 

And while all the soaps are Big Ass bars of soap, please note that the Lump of Coal is the Biggest Ass bar of soap.

Not that size matters.

For soap.

Alas, this gift is also tied through literature and tradition to the Other December Holiday**, and so this will be added to list of gifts that I did not buy for you.

*Not trying to be sexist or gender-ist- it's what it says on the box.

**Not only because the soap's association with the Other Holiday- I also firmly believe you to be a man who is one in a million- not one in four.

2025/5786 On the third night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 I'm late! I have been caught up in the holiday frenzy, and while I may be behind in my posting, I have been busy not-buying for you nonetheless! 

ACTUAL PHOTO FROM NIGHT #3

On the third night of Chanukah, I considered not-buying a few more poo-related items- such as 

this lively game of Toilet Trouble- 

or perhaps this literary gem- 

But(t), these gifts truly should be not-given on Night #2.  Inappropriate for Night #3*.

Of course, The Christmas Poop Log** also has the distinction of belonging to the other December holiday, so we wouldn't want to give you this for Chanukah.

If we were going to go to the other holiday, instead of literature, how about philosophy? Specifically, this bit of philosophy:

PHILOSOPHY: Schrodinger's shirt

Philosophy? you query. But that's a shirt!!

Perhaps. But consider: 

We begin with the binary: Naughty/Nice

We add mystery and tension: I tried.

Did you try to be naughty?

Did you try to be nice?

Did you try to be trying?

Did you try? Really? Or are you just being cute?

What is "Nice"? What is "Naughty"?***

And could this become a Chanukah bit of philosophy, if we changed the colors to blue and white?****

I found this item at a gas station- er, excuse me, a rest stop that sells gas/ gives you gas (if you eat there). When did rest stops become the commercial hubs of the nation?

You can buy anything at the gas station- er, rest stop- for only 3 times the price as at a regular grocery store (check your Fritos (R) ).

Returning to the topic at hand: As intriguing as this bit of philosophy is, as exotic as the locale in which it was discovered, and in spite of the long standing Talmudic tradition of embracing both sides of the dialectic- in this case, Naughty vs. Nice- the garment remains firmly embedded in the non-Chanukah tradition, so it will remain non-bought.

*Some might say that these gifts are inappropriate on any night. One person's inappropriate is another's...propriate?

**This is an actual book about an actual Christmas tradition involving a log that "poops" out gifts after being beaten.

***'What is Naughty?" is a rhetorical question. Do not answer. This is a family blog. Much like Cards Against Humanity (R) family edition. Especially on Night #2.

****NO.

2025/5786 On the second night of Chanukah, I did not buy for you...

 Last night was the second night of Chanukah and so today we are still in Day #2.

And there is a tradition for Chanukah Day #2 to celebrate Number 2. Last year, for instance, we were on a roll! In 5783, look what popped up! 

Or that time we considered the artistic pursuit of becoming a poopy-Picasso.

So many tremendous Number Twos!

As I was mulling over what to not-give you this year, I happened to be shopping at my local pet supply store for my dog's food. I was looking for some special food, because my dog at that time was experiencing intestinal distress leading to poop-soup. Butt-hose spray. 

NOT festive.

But(t) I digress. I was at the pet supply store, and I saw this at the check out lane- at the impulse purchase station:

These are holiday themed dog poop collection bags. 

From the ad copy: "Picking up after your dog...during the holiday season is easy with these Merry & Bright Gift Wrap Waste Bags."

They admit it! It's *gift wrap*! And though some people, when Doggy does his duty and deposits doo-doo, may exclaim over "what Precious did" for Mummy or Daddy, I am not one of those people who view my dog's deposits as gifts worth wrapping.

I don't think you are, either.

Also, these Merry & Bright Gift Wrap Waste Bags are clearly designed to wrap Christmas Crap, not handle Hanukkah Ca-Ca. 

Note the festive red & green, the Christmas trees, the Christmas lights.

No dreidels. Not a latke to be seen.

Although... depending on the design choices, a latke might look a lot like the gift inside...

So, not buying it.

No sh*t.