On the sixth night of Channukah, I did not buy for you...

On Monday night, I was busy not-buying your Channukah present! Guess what I didn't buy for you on the sixth night?

I did not buy you a Flash Light Friend.

True, it is the Festival of Lights.

True, we all could use a friend.

True, this is HUGGABLE! and LOVEABLE!

And a flashlight.

However...

 

Read the fine print: It shuts off after 20 minutes and never gets hot.

 

 

All that cuddling, and then it shuts off before it gets hot?

 

Besides, the friends you have already are quite enlightening. Or enlightened. Or both.

On the fifth night of Channukah, I did not buy for you...

I'm still behind, *butt* not as far behind as(s) I was in the last post...

Okay, enough with the scatological references.  On the fifth night of Channukah, I did not buy for you:

YES! This is a Twinkies Maker! With this you can make your own fresh, hot, cream stuffed twinkies!

 

(insert inappropriate joke here)

 

WHY wouldn't I buy you such a device?

 

 Comes with its own oven.

 

This is why: Twinkies are the one edible item with a shelf life of like, a gazillion years. The POINT is not FRESHNESS! The point is SHELF LIFE! This machine is not a Twinkie-maker, it is the Anti-Twinkie!

 

At least, that is my story and I am sticking to it.

 

On the first/second/third/fourth night of Channukah, I did not buy for you...

Channukah came quite early this year on the standard calendar. So of course I am behind on my not-buying gifts this year. (As you may recall, last year I blogged on all eight nights of what I was not-buying for my Dear Daughter's Significant Other).

So, here is a mighty mega-post with ALL FOUR OF THE NIGHTS SO FAR in one post.

DDSO: I don't know why, but many of the items I am refusing to buy for you are scatological in nature. For instance:

These are fart-filtering underwear. I kid you not. I did not buy this for you for a few reasons.
1. These are called Shreddies. How could I buy you something called Shreddies?
2. These are imported fart-filtering underwear. I am trying to buy American.
3. Apparently these have been fart-tested butt the reviewers say nothing about the sound-baffling abilities of the undergarment. Insufficient, I say.


On the second night of Channukah, I did not buy for you:

This multi-pack provides woods-ready TP with Deer Flask / Shot glass. I did not buy these for you for following reasons:
1. The TP looks suspiciously like bark, especially the green-brown roll.
2. I don't like the voyeuristic buck watching the wipe in action.
3. Deer flask? Really, I don't think we should be enabling alcoholic deer.
4. It says there is a "Handy Loading Funnel Included". It doesn't specify loading what. Loading your rifle? Getting the deer loaded (not to be encouraged- see #3 above)? A funnel for your "load," pre or post wipe? One shudders to think.

On the third night of Channukah, I did not buy for you:

This is Poo-Pourri. It is a real product with several funny videos marketing it. Why didn't I buy it for you? Too hard to choose between fragrances: Sh*ttin' Pretty? - apparently too feminine. Could have gone for manly scents like Royal Flush or Trap-a-Crap...

On the fourth night of Channukah, I did not buy for you:

This is a Squatty-potty. Apparently, this is the solution to all our poop problems. This footrest can prevent appendicitis, diverticulitis, and who-knows-what-all!

Why didn't I buy this for you? I'm not sure.

But, I hope this one post will get rid of all the sh*tty gift ideas.



Adventures of a Substitute Teacher

This is a really existential job.

Every day when I come in, I ask, "Who am I?"

I've been working as a substitute teacher at the local public charter school (where my Dear Husband KK is the director of finance) for more than five years now. When I am asked to substitute, I'm not told until I arrive what class I will be teaching. For whom will I be substituting?

Who am I?

Last night I dreamt...

I am coming back to this several weeks after I the night when I dreamt this: I dreamt that I was at a bakery and someone (my mom?) had said that I should apply for a job there, because I needed a job.

But this bakery was very far from my home. Over an hour.

But I was there, right? I was there because I had given someone a ride. To a funeral, I think.

So I decided to apply for the job. I could always decline, if offered, right?

So I came in and I announced to one of the teen-aged staff, I am here to interview for the job.

And the teenager acted deaf. She didn't want me to get the job.

So when I saw the manager-looking person go by, I announced, very loudly, I AM HERE TO INTERVIEW FOR THE JOB.

(this is where I am coming back to this so I am not sure of these details) I think I might not have been married?

The manager wanted me to work one day a week ten hours.

There were dead bodies with braille IDs on them.

101 tiny actions

Little things. Tiny actions. They may not seem like much, but added up in the hundreds or thousands of repetitions, the hundreds of activities, these actions accumulate to mean something. I’m not even going back to our grandparents or great-grandparents’ days when everyone had to plow, plant, walk or hitch up horses. I haven't made it to 101 yet, but here are my first 21. 1. Cooking: mashing potatoes 2. Cooking: rotary beaters OR spoon mixing 3. Cooking: making dinner 4. Cooking: making bread 5. Cooking: chopping vegetables 6. Home: beating rugs 7. Home: pushing a lawn mower 8. Home: shoveling snow 9. Home: Hanging laundry 10. Home: Washing dishes 11. Daily Life: Changing the station on the TV 12. Daily Life: Answering the phone 13. Daily Life: Walking to the mailbox 14. Daily Life: opening the garage door 15. Daily Life: washing the car 16. Daily life: changing a tire 17. Daily Life: research in real books 18. Cooking: opening cans 19. Daily life: typing or writing (and rewriting) vs. word processing 20. Daily life: Walking from one office to another 21. Daily life: winding your watch or clock

Time is gobbled up

I have about two weeks to: * clean my house from top to bottom * shop and prep for Thanksgiving * complete the fantasy novel I am writing Panic much? My house is in disarray in part because I have been directing a play during all of October. The rehearsals (and the show itself) took place an hour or more from my home - depending on traffic. Then I was working most days with my Adventures in Substitute Teaching. Luckily, just got a message from my sister that my nephews are looking to earn some money. Looks like I have a cleaning crew- now I need to schedule them!